Bonita Gordita

Eating My Vegetables

2012-02-01T21:26:00.000-06:00

Hello.

I'm doing well. Maintaining within a few pound range. Not really lost anything for January, but not gained anything significant, either.

Well, except some more notches in the tool belt of positive thinking.

I have struggled. I have not journaled my food. But I maintained. Simple focus on the positive kept me from slingshotting into abandoned weight gain last month. Interesting. But, I do feel I need to kick it up a notch this month. Add a new twist, bring in a new element. Choices:

Journal food and exercise
Return to counting calories
Exercise at least 3 times a week
Counting calories and staying within a specific range

None of these I particularly favor, to be honest. They are all a means of keeping myself honest. They are all time-consuming. But as I look at them, I do see that they are necessary for me to gain accountability. Journaling my food is helpful, as is journaling exercise. In a way I feel as if just simply doing that, without setting a goal for either is not much of a help. But, I have to look at things in a different light. In a long-term light. In a way of changing and refocusing.

So, my goal for the month, on top of viewing the positives, will be to journal everything I eat and journal what I do for exercise. No goals in mind, but simple reflection. That step is a gentle nudge into the next level of counting calories (and probably staying within a range) - we'll see.

I am pleased that I've been able to stop the scale. I felt good when I woke up and sweated things out this morning. I'd like to get to a place where I were moving more. I'll get there.

Oh - and I've been clearing my head a bit more. Meditating, I guess you would say. But clearing my head, allowing myself to just be and not think. Too often I'm constantly churning, thinking, planning, assessing, ruminating over something-- anything, at all times. My brain needs rest, desperately. I need to allow for that.

Today I beefed up my menu with veggies. I'm not saying I could do that every day, but for two meals I added 1 cup of mixed (frozen) vegetables to my meal. For instance, for dinner I had Lean Cuisine Chicken Masala. I mixed in 1 cup of veggies in there. I think it "cost" me 80 calories or so. But, it also filled me up. It didn't change the flavor, or leave me feeling deprived - it did the opposite. It filled me up and I was less hungry today. Realistically I could do this more often, but not always.

Mind And Spirit First

2012-01-05T21:05:00.000-06:00

So, how's that JOY thing going for me?

FANTASTIC!!!

You can't hear my sarcasm, so it doesn't matter.

But, here's the thing: I'm trying. I'm working. I'm shifting my thoughts. I have a hump that need to get through. To power through. A funeral. I don't do very well with that stuff.

And then some other things.

My eating has been OK. But my mindfulness on the disastrous state of crankiness is at an all-time high, which makes me think I'm onto something.

I sincerely believe if I can tackle some of my joy-sapping behaviors, the food part will follow.

It's not quick, easy, or painless.

So, my JOY for today?

Cooking dinner for my family. (Food-related, I know this.) Chicken, rice, macaroni and cheese, and kale. Bacon. All of that. But getting some hearty food on the table for my family amidst the chaos. And watching my kids eat happily. Not to the point of being stuffed, fat and unhappy, but healthfully. That means SO much. They can lead by example and I can follow.

I had more than I should have (especially in the wine department). But I'm allowing myself to wallow in some greif. To get it out.

I'm still thankful for a nice view out a hospital window.
The smell of clean laundry.
A new appliance being delivered soon.
Healthy, happy kids.
Beautiful weather.
A doggy that loves me unconditionally. Who is soft and special.
A boss who is willing to let me off early so I can wallow in my sadness.
A renewed sense of being comfortable with who I am.

I'm on my way. Slowly.

Mind and spirit first, body second.

Hello 2012 JOY

2012-01-03T14:07:00.001-06:00

I don't really know what I weigh right now. Could be somewhere around 295. It doesn't matter really. I'm uncomfortable, depressed and miserable in my own skin. But what else is new?

So, that's not really why I'm writing. I'm writing because it is a new year. New Years bring on a battery of emotions for fatties and fitties alike. Wanting to change, renew old vows of fitness and better eating... all that fun stuff.

I'm not exempt.

Not at all.

I'm scarily still motivated, even though my recent stint of eating well and exercising didn't budge much on the scale. Go figure. But still, what I am thinking about right now, as I ponder taking the financial and meaningful jump into the world of paid fitness memberships is - JOY.

Yeah. JOY. I keep reading blogs and posts of people who have lost HUGE amounts of weight and feel great and blablbla and why can't I be like them is the question in my brain most of the time.

I'm not JOYful at all. I'm rather a negative, depressive person. There's a connection there. It seems almost easier to change the body than the brain. For people who just make bad food choices, getting on a simple path of eating well can bring on (nearly instant), satisfying results. But for people like me, who eat more with the brain, the heart--emotions... it isn't just about "sensible choices." Which leaves me to wonder if I try to change the brain, then maybe I can find some success in my body (and life) as well.

I also have to give fair thought time to wondering if I just flat out like being a negative depressed person. What a joy I must be to be around, eh? But my joy (or learned comfort) is in misery. And when I'm happy, wondering when the next misery might come. Not wanting to start off the new year saying, "It's going to be a GREAT one!!!" because what if it isn't? What if it is laced with a cloud?

Because it is 2012 and I'm unhappy about a whole world of crap, channeling my misery constantly. I have legitimate things to be unhappy about. Severe crosses to bear. My spirit is messed up. I focus on that misery and miss the JOYS that come my way. I allow myself to smile, and enjoy a moment, but I don't really bask in it. I'm afraid to be happy. I'm wired to be negative.

No fitness blog worth reading is channeled in negativity. None. There is no success. That's where the fatness comes in. Connection? Must be.

So maybe my NYR needs to be one with less of a weight-related slant and more of a positive/joy related slant.

Happy no matter frigging what. You can be miserable, but then when someone comes along to cheer you up, you fight it because that misery is comfort on some level. You don't want to smile, you want to cry and whine, and kick and scream and pity.

What kind of life is that? Where have I been short-changing myself to partake in such misery constantly? Is it just me and I need to settle and that is just who I am and be Scrooge? Or can choosing JOY change a person?

What if I didn't satisfy that pity party for a while?

Weigh In - 287

2011-12-12T13:17:00.000-06:00

Lean Cuisine Indian-style Masala. I like it. As much as I don't like microwaving foods in plastic containers, I do it. It's a compromise.

One of my hangups with better eating is the time and brain power it takes to track my food and exercise, plan (so that I don't resort to what is the easiest, and often less healthy), plan meals, and basically just to feed myself appropriately. I do purchase pre-portioned, packaged meals to grab for times like these. It is very easy for me to fail simply because I don't want to think. Today is one of those days.

Weigh In: 287. No change. Stayed the same. I did well. I ate under my calories and exercised. But the weekend came and I was busy and from sundown on Saturday to Sunday evening I didn't pay much attention. I hate to think that in the span of 24 hours I completely undid all of the good work from earlier on in the week. I'm still a bit confused on that one.

It was frustrating to see the scale make no change. I feel OK. Maybe slightly better. I don't know. I feel like I've kept on track. That's about it.

I also feel like when I let myself go, it makes it harder to pull back in. Which is why the pre-packaged meal came in handy.

What I DO like, though, is that my habits are taking a better path. I have to look at that. And I'm not gaining. I'm not on my way up to 300, like I was so fearful I would be.

So, those are little non-scale victories, which is what I can cling to today. Twice in the past 7 days I've gotten up and exercised early in the morning. That's something I simply Do Not Do. That's cool.

Continue.

That's the operative word for today. Just simply continue. Don't get frustrated, don't give up. Just keep going this week and don't worry about it.

287 - Discipline And Balance

2011-12-05T12:11:00.001-06:00

I made it through 1 week of tracking my calories. Tracking them and staying within my range. Yesterday I went over by 20 I think, but in the scheme of things, that was OK, because I was under a couple days ago, too.

I truly wish I knew what it was that allows me to accomplish a week of sensible eating. Take a life-long snapshot of anyone who struggles with weight loss and see them jumping on and off the wagon. It's a true battle.

Right now my motivation is really how I feel. I don't like how my clothes fit. A year ago this time I felt so much better in my own body, and in my clothes. I was happily buying a smaller shirt size, and close to needing a smaller pant size. It frustrates me to have to be back-tracking, but it also frustrates me to have let myself slip.

I freaking love food. This week has been a victory food-wise, but I haven't been enjoying what I eat so much. Strangely, though, I also haven't really cared. My focus hasn't been on what I eat. It's almost like I have to not care to succeed. Last night I was going to indulge and splurge on some ice-cream. But I didn't. I stayed the course, came home and had one of my low fat ice creams. Probably wasn't as good, but I also didn't have regrets.

I'm hoping to continue this streak of better eating. I do know that we are set to have a dinner and drinks out this weekend, and I will probably go over. My goal is to do well this week and kick up the exercise so that I can relax a bit (still making sensible choices when we dine out) but not get too frustrated either way (frustrated because I'm not enjoying my food, or frustrated that my emphasis is too much on the food).

Balance.

I think I only walked twice this week. Right now our finances won't allow for a gym membership, but I really need to have something that burns more calories than walking. Something I can hop on quick during the day (treadmill or indoor bike). But we also need a major appliance and money is tight.

If only weight-loss was my only issue. Again, it is balancing everything. My eating, my exercising, my finances, on and on. Discipline. Balance. That's what will help me make progress everywhere in life. That, apparently, is what I need to learn.

OMG I'm Two-Ninety-Threeeee!!!

2011-11-29T20:41:00.000-06:00

Well. Technically I'm 292. But it didn't rhyme, and at this point... whatever.

I weighed in on my Wii and was literally disgusted. I can't believe it.

I wish I were anorexic.

20 Pounds

2011-10-11T16:14:00.002-05:00

I guess I'll write it out since it makes it all the more real. Not that a summer spent in stretchy pants doesn't make it pretty freaking real. Jeans that feel like they are cutting off circulation; real. Shoot, my own skin feels tight on my body. Reality.

I know how I gained it. Same way I lost it, just the opposite. I lost sight of caring, really. Food was more important. Dear God, I HATE this. I'm so tired of it. The struggle. Being thinner really is better than the food I've eaten to put on weight. I know it is. I remember how it felt. How good it felt to put clothes on and have them be loose. Everything felt good.

I knew the struggle would come back. Bit by bit, slice by slice, day by day. It's always there, like a crack-addict. It was easier to quit smoking, I tell you. Easier! I haven't smoked in over a decade. Don't really miss it, either. But then I don't have to smoke five cigarettes a day, no less no more. I have to eat.

I also have to buy food. I have to balance checkbooks. I have to make dinners, keep schedules, earn money, clean house, fix broken things, wash my hair, bathe my dog... sometimes - MOST times - it is just flat out easier to not care what I'm eating. Hard enough to make meals that are nutritious, delicious and cost efficious (not a word, but it's a rhyme-ier way of saying "efficient" so let it go)!

Here I go grumbling again.

I feel like a broken record. Like an addict that keeps falling off the wagon, over and over and over.

Maybe I needed to gain this weight to appreciate what I had. Not that I didn't appreciate it. I did. Oh how I did. Shopping for clothes at the thrift store. Fitting into them so much better.

I have to remember what I liked, what felt good, how good it felt... or I'm going to continue heading down the path of self-destruction.

I was less self-conscious.
My clothes felt great.
I felt great.
I had more energy.
I didn't worry about where I sat.
I was more comfortable.

This was just 20 pounds. Twenty. Simple. Pounds. Right now I am the opposite of all of those things. Even though I'm not nearly as heavy as I was at my highest weight, I've been on the other side of 270 and it felt happier there. I was closer to 250 than 300. I liked it.

I want to go back.

Stress Eating

2011-07-03T00:12:00.000-05:00

I've had SO much going on over the last couple of weeks. Life changes, family challenges, work. It doesn't matter, though, as if I were unique. We all have these things happen. We all experience the challenges and joys in life. I'm not looking for pity. I'm reflecting.

I did well for a bit there, biking a lot, walking a lot. Being active, eating sensibly while still enjoying the fruits of summer. And then the stressors hit. I ate because it was easier than thinking about it. I ate, because it was comforting.

I can be sure that the scale would reflect my "comforting" if I were to step on it today.

But the real reason that I come here at midnight to pound out a quick post/note to self is to document the fact that:

I've had fast food for 3 days straight (eeeew).
Today, on a day of massive stress and sadness I made popcorn with butter and salt, ate brie with honey and a yummy crusty bread. Drank half a bottle of wine.

... and I yearn for more.

I found myself doing the weirdest thing ever. Instead of reaching for the 6-pack of Hershey's chocolate bars I have stashed in the cupboard for s'more making, I grabbed a bag of lettuce, ripped it open, put a few handfuls in a bowl.

Ate a leaf of lettuce. Chewed.

Totally skipped the dressing. No olive oil and vinegar, no Ranch, no nothing. I ate that baby naked. And I liked it. I could probably stuff the whole bag down my throat if I wanted to. I just... I wanted to chew. I wanted something. And I got it from a bag of lettuce.

Bike Ride: 6.88 miles

2011-06-08T10:28:00.000-05:00

Only by the grace of God. Yesterday I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown from heatstroke and PMS. I got my period. I had a stressful day at work, stress with family.

I wanted to hunt, kill and eat. Drink. Cry.

I went over my calorie intake, but darnit I JOURNALED EVERY BITE, EVERY CALORIE.

This morning I woke up and went on a bike ride. In the horrific heat, or shall I say despite the horrific heat. I biked, I sweat, I made it.

Praise God.

A-Z Meme

2011-06-07T08:18:00.002-05:00

Stealing a fun little meme from The Tortise...

A: is for Apple, what's your favorite variety?
Oh goodness... probably Pink Lady.

B: is for Bread, regardless of nutrition, calories, or whole grains what is your favorite type to have a nice big piece of?
It depends on what I'm eating it with. If it is peanut butter and honey - a nice grainy whole wheat bread, brie... a crusty Italian, soup - sourdough... I love bread.

C: is for Cereal what is your favorite kind currently (just one!)
Oh no. This is a list of favorites and those are always hard for me, so dependent on my mood. Um... oatmeal. Very versatile.

D: is for Doughnuts, you might not currently be eating them but what kind do you fancy?
Fritters!

E: is for Eggs, how would you like yours prepared?
Generally fried, but I like scrambled and omelettes, too.

F: is for Fat Free, what is your favorite fat free product?
Probably nothing. Twizzlers? :p

G: is for Groceries, where do you purchase yours at?
It depends on where the deals are at. Local grocers, Wal-mart, Costco.

H: is for Hot Beverages, what is your favorite hot drink?
Coffee. Black.

I: is for Ice Cream, pick a favorite flavor and add a fun topping.
Hmm. Another difficult one. Depends on my mood. But I like Butter Brickle. Hard to find, though.

J: is for Jams or Jellies, do you eat them, and if so what kind and flavor?
Not usually. If I do, a mixed berry or strawberry.

K: is for Kashi, name your favorite Kashi product?
Probably none. They usually have soy and proteins that I don't care for. I buy the bars sometimes.

L: is for Lunch, what was yours today?
That is yet to be determined.

M: is for microwave, what is your favorite microwave meal/snack?
Not a big fan of microwaves. If I had to choose I'd say popcorn.

N: is for nutrients, do you like carbs, fats, or proteins best?
All of the above? Carbs with some fat and salt.

O: is for oil, what kind do you like to use?
EVOO. Love me some olive oil.

P: is for protein, how do you get yours?
Usually eggs, meat.

Q: is for Quaker, how do you like your oats?
With walnuts and a smidge of sweetness.

R: is for roasting, what is your favorite thing to roast?
Corn! Not for me to do it, but for me to eat it. Yum.

S: is for sandwich, what’s your favorite kind?
Right now I'd have to say tuna. But my flavor tastes do change.

T: is for travel, how do you handle eating while traveling?
If I'm being good I continue to track food, take stairs as much as possible and get out for walks. If I'm not being good I enjoy the heck out of the local cuisine.

U: is for unique, what is one of your weirdest food combos?
Hmm... I can't think of anything too strange right now, but I'm sure I have some that others would find weird. I do like to dip fries in mayonnaise or ranch dressing.

V: is for vitamins, what kind do you take?
None, usually. Occasional B and Multi or D.

W: is for wasabi, yay or nay?
Only with sushi.

X: is for X-RAY. If we x-rayed your belly right now, what food would we see?
Water, orange, eggs, toast.

Y: is for youth, what food reminds you of your childhood?
Too many. My life in food has been quite a journey.

Z: is for zucchini, how do you prepare it?
Usually just sauteed or roasted, sometimes in bread.

275... Again

2011-06-06T12:03:00.000-05:00

Dangabbit. Back up at 275. Well, my "regular scale" says 280, but it is 5pds off from what my Wii scale says, so I'll go with the 275 (2pds for clothes, 3 for adjustment). I feel 280, so it really doesn't matter.

I've been tracking food, and am shooting for doing it faithfully for the next 5 days. It is a busy week with kids getting out of school and everything, but I think I can do it. Prioritize. How was it so easy when I was doing it a year or so ago? Why can I not get that mojo back?

I'm a'working on it.

Today I went out in the heat and took the doggie for a walk. He could only do about 20 minutes, but that was better than nothing, and we hit a hill on the way, too. I came home and did some sit-ups and plan to be consciously active throughout the day.

Hope you have a great day!!!

My Addiction To Food

2011-05-19T14:52:00.000-05:00

My addiction to food both disgusts and amazes me.

I love food in good and healthy ways. But (sometimes) I use it in ways food is not intended to be used. Don't go all mind-in-the-gutter on me. I mean that there are times when I can prepare my oatmeal and walnuts, pack a shake for lunch and a piece of fruit and use food to nourish my body. This is fine, good, and controllable. But when I come home, whip up some waffles, reheat some pork chops and gorge, it doesn't feel good.

It doesn't even feel right.

Strangely, I cut out all the fat on the chops, and was reasonable with the waffles, but it was a big production of food-making, planning, anticipating... and then a frenzy. I ate fast and hard, like I've seen my kid do (and don't like because it is a reflection of me). I enjoyed the sweet, salty, chewy, buttery flavors mixed together and washed down with ice-cold milk. I knew I wouldn't journal my food because it was already a failure.

I caught myself gobbling.

It's disgusting.

I finished off with one more small waffle, lathered with peanut butter. I totally didn't need it, and could have powered through, not eating it. But I did. I wanted it.

I tell myself I'm fine, but I'm not sure if I am. Either by habit or by emotions that I've blocked, I managed to cancel out my thoughtful eating this morning with a few minutes of feasting. I feel full. Heavy with food and drink. Satiated. Disappointed in myself. Wanting to shed the pounds I've gained (about 7). Wanting to get past the goal I made months ago.

I'm not letting myself do it. Why?

Well Hello

2011-03-07T09:31:00.000-06:00

Last time I checked in I was 272 pounds. Prior to that, I was 277. The holidays I let my hair down a bit, indulged in cookies and the like, and paid the price.

Three months later, I'm back to my lowest weight. Again.

And I'm ready to rock and roll.

It's hard not to look at time past and kick myself for not staying on track. I could have been under 250 right now, had I stayed the course. Assumably. But, then also, I could have been topping 300 again. Either way, I could have gone.

One year ago I was 293 pounds. I'm almost down 30 from that one year later. If I can be down 30 from here a year from now and hold it - that is a victory.

What delights me is that my body came back down to where it was before. The maintaining of that weight for a while seemed to make it my new "normal" for weight. I didn't so much concentrate on what I was doing to lose weight, but I snipped out the bad practices of the holidays, and the weight came off. I guess.

I'm back to tracking on Spark. Right now my calorie range is to eat between 1630 and 1980 calories per day. Honestly, that seems a little low to me. But, since I've gone down, so has my calorie allowance. I've always tried to eat on the high end of the calorie range. As long as I lose weight, that's fine. The more I can have, the happier I am. Heh.

I've done pretty well the past few days with eating. Not so great with exercising, though. Have to get back into that. One step at a time, though.

First goal: 257. I'd like to get there by the end of May.

One Day At A Time

2011-01-13T08:05:00.001-06:00

I feel a bit better because I stepped on the scale for weigh-in and it said 272. Whew. Sigh of relief, but in no way am I out of any danger zone yet.

I need to figure a way to keep exercise and eating healthy a priority, even with a busy schedule. My hours at my job have increased, leaving me less "me" time, which actually isn't good. But it IS good financially (another area of struggle). I need to learn to accommodate, adjust and be more flexible instead of always thinking on how I can change things. That would be more productive.

I managed a walk yesterday, but I don't think I managed to stay within my calorie range. Today I plan to journal everything (something that inevitably helps), and stay below my range.

Wish me luck. And good luck to you!!!

10 Pounds

2011-01-06T08:37:00.000-06:00

I gained 10 pounds. First it was 6, which didn't seem like a huge deal. But, yesterday (or the day before), I got on the scale and there it was: 277.

That's 10 pounds from my lowest weight of 267 (or 11 from 266, but I just don't want to go there).

I knew I was in for it after the holidays, and I'm trying not to get too upset about it. Just hopping back on the wagon of counting my calories again. My motivation isn't huge, but it isn't completely vanished like it was for a while there while I was maintaining.

I have grown comfortable with being able to fit in new kinds of clothes. I've grown accustomed to shopping for a certain size. I don't see myself (well, kind of sort of) as the "oversized" person I used to be. I can by off the rack now.

I need to keep chugging forward. And that's what I'll do. Wish me luck - and best wishes to you in 2011. Let's make this a year of better health.

Holding

2010-10-21T08:03:00.002-05:00

I'm holding. Still fluxing between 266 and 267ish. Not too bad. I guess maintaining for a bit isn't horrible, but still I'd be happy with another 10 pounds gone. Would like to see the other side of 250 before the end of the year. Seems easy enough, but whatever ball was rolling before seems to have slowed down a bit. Thank goodness I'm not rolling backwards, packing on the pounds. I can be grateful for that.

Balancing between trying to be thrifty and healthy is delicate. Cooking meals for growing boys, while being creative with the pantry doesn't always allow me the time to run back to SparkPeople and plug it in the recipe calculator. My best bet right now is to try my darndest to remember portion sizes and stick to them.

Dragging out the winter clothes reminded me of the changes in my body.

Meeting up with the girls for semi-monthly bookclub reminds me of the changes in my body. I get complimented every time, which reinforces the fact that I've lost weight. I forget, you know. I see it in my saggy skin and feel it in my clothes, but forget it in my mind because it is still my body.

Ten pounds would feel better. Ten pounds. Can I tackle that?

Decisions, Decisions

2010-09-21T20:26:00.003-05:00

I'm around and kicking. Every time I feel like updating, I change my mind.

Not a whole lot going on.

Except that I'm doing pretty crappy. Emotionally.

Life has been difficult. I've been dealing with some things that, in my little bubble of life, people don't seem to have to deal with. Maybe it is my slant on life. Maybe I'm a little depressed and have a skewed interpretation of digesting my circumstances. On one hand I feel like hunkering down with a bottle of booze and the saltiest fried food the world can imagine up for me, and doing myself in with a big, ol' pity party, table of one. On the other hand I feel incredibly blessed, and am thankful for the lessons and learning I am learning about life. Hopeful to chip away at my cynical exterior to reveal a better, more loving me.

I tend to flip-flop quite often.

Today I choose booze. I also chose to pop a Xanax. Not at the same time. But I'm obviously choosing to damper my emotions with something. Too bad it isn't a treadmill. Or a bike ride. Good thing it isn't a pizza. Happy medium of sorts.

I find that my lows are rather low. My highs are rather middle-of-the-road, and my potential to seriously need an anti-depressant are... viable.

But.

Yeah.

Here's the thing. I tried one (Celexa), and quit it after 2 days. By day 2 I was having flashbacks of why I actually quit the drug years ago in the first place. See, back then I went on it for a year or so, just to get out of a slump. Nausea, jaw tension and lack of desire for bedroom activities were an issue. Oh - and sweating like a pig. But, emotionally I was in a better place. If you call flatlining a better place. OK, OK. "Flatlining" is a little strong. But, I just remember not feeling... me. Feeling a bit hindered emotionally.

Either way, I got off. Moved on, and did OK.

And then a couple weeks ago I felt myself slipping and tried it again. After two days of headaches, nausea and fear I stopped. Even though I've been slipping for a couple years now.

Talked with my psychiatrist (I say "my" but I've only seen him once and then followed up with a phone conversation a couple weeks later) and he said I should give the Zoloft a try (since I already had a bottle on hand, prescribed from my primary care doc months ago). I took that for 2 days and stopped it, too. It was better than the Celexa, really. I didn't have the same side effects right off the bat. But I did have a nagging concern that I was building up in my body something I might not like, and if I didn't - I'd have to wean myself off of it. And I've heard that weaning off Zoloft is akin to stopping heroin cold turkey. Nice.

You really don't need to know all this, but guess what? Here it is.

And with a trip to a winery planned for the weekend, I really didn't want to be in anti-depressant land. Silly? Maybe.

Again, here I go with the flip-flop, wishy washy. I want to do this on my own. I want to do it without the meds. They scare me a bit. But they could improve my quality of life.

Decisions, decisions.

On the weight front... I've maintained. Fluxing between 266 and 267. Go me. Good deal. I'd really like to lose, though.

Self-Care

2010-08-18T09:53:00.005-05:00

The cooler air has been a relief.

Forget the blues in winter, I get them in summer. The oppressive heat, humidity and blaring sun do not do good things for momma. I'd much rather be wrapped in a sweatshirt, simmering soup on the stove, baking, cleaning without sweating and sucking fresh air.

Yes, the drop in temperature is welcomed here.

---

My Wii broke. I've been using it to weigh myself, which makes it breaking kind of a sour deal. I don't know what is wrong with it besides the fact that it will not turn on. Pretty basic. I've had the kids look at it (they know more than me about these things) and they weren't able to fix it. I weighed myself on my shipping scale (the back up), and I look to be about the same. Maybe a bit of a loss, I don't know and can't quite remember.

Wii takes off 2 pounds for clothing. I think my shipping scale weighs in 3 pounds heavier. If I weighed 270 on the shipping scale, then I'm about 265? If I remember right. Which I'm not sure that I do. Still, it is a lesson in not being completely married to the scale, or the system, but to rely more on the the process as indication of progress.

Which I am, and am watching what I eat. Shifting here and there, trying to spice things up with new recipes. I've been pretty good about it, making new meals the past few days, shopping ahead (better for finances, too). I think I may have glugged down a half bottle of wine one evening, though. Not the best for calories. But I stayed within my range, crazy as it is.

I've been going for walks. I've been trying to be more active. Consciously.

My wellness is not whole. It isn't just the eating (although it is part of how I comfort myself). The eating is a symptom. The chaos is a symptom. I have many parts of my life that need better balance -nutrition, exercise, finances, household, spirit, self- and I need to maintain focus and better balance. Self-care.

As I tighten up on one area of my life (my eating), I see other parts start to fall in line. But, then, I also see the potential for other areas to become less manageable if I become too focused or immersed in my physical (eating, exercise) well-being.

Right now my immediate concern has to do with work. Last year my hours were cut. I was not happy about it, but learned to live with it, and eventually ended up enjoying it. My hourly cut gave me the opportunity to look beyond my day job--which is just a job, not a career-- to see what other options were available to me. Finishing my degree? Putting time into other areas of my life (self, household, volunteer, my "freelance" work)? Go back to doing some crafting?

Now, my job is wanting me back for the hours it took away. I'm not entirely sure if that is what I want right now. I have a couple of other opportunities that are open to me that, I think, might bring greater fulfillment than the measly dollars I would make stacking on more hours. I have an offer for some freelance work, and I still could finish up my degree. Both would be good, for different reasons. I will pray on it, chew on it and hope I can find some answers and some peace about it.

All of this falls under the "self-care" umbrella. Me, taking care of myself. Making a decision largely based on myself, and less based on everyone else. Not something I generally do. I've dodged out of a million commitments and opportunities simply because I put everyone else in front of me. But in the process of that, I've lost the delicate balance of regarding the family needs as well as my own in my decision-making -- and in that have lost some of myself. Compromised to the point of being nearly suffocated, depressed and lost. For me to be a better mother/wife/sister/human being, I have to regard myself, my boundaries and what is healthy for me, so I can be a better person to other people. As cliche as it sounds, it is true.

Manure Hits Fan

2010-08-04T21:14:00.005-05:00

My emotions are tied to my eating. I know and recognize this. Part of my (gag-cliche-gag) journey in all this is facing things head on, sacrificing my pride, and relearning.

I've done good. 70 pounds down, not shabby. But the last couple weeks I've been sliding. The scale hasn't much reflected it, but the way I've been eating has, and the scale is sure to follow. OK. That's a lie. The scale isn't going down. That's how it is reflecting. I'm no longer losing. I'm maintaining, and soon I will be gaining.

I could wax poetic for a bunch of paragraphs, but I'll just claim the truth of it and work with that.

So here it is: my depressed and anxiety-prone adult child is living with us again. For four years we went through, (dragging us with) a nightmare with her as she entered her teen years, barreling through them with drugs, alcohol, risky behavior and excitement, with disregard for everyone around her. I haven't healed from all of that yet, and now we find her back with us. I still have kids in the house who are not grown, which sets off a whole different dynamic.

I'm scarred, and not yet healed from the trauma that we went through. Having her here again has re-opened wounds. The only good thing about having her home is that we know where she is at night, and we know she's not out on the streets doing who knows what. Been there, not easy, but you learn to live with it. I'm not saying it's right or good or even going to "work" letting her stay here in the long run. I'm just saying it is what is now.

Through all those years I never went to counseling. I survived, I got through. I learned and grew as a mother and a human being. I suffered. A lot. More than I care to think of right now. I believe I have a some PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) from all of those years of trauma, lies, fear.

Just as I started to find some peace and healing, acceptance... it comes crashing down again. I've been taking Xanax, occasionally. I went to a counselor for the first time two weeks ago. I'm anxious and irritable, depressed. Feeling the stress in nearly every corner of my world.

I feel horrible, complaining like this, which is why I haven't said anything about it. But today, as I looked at my nearly expended calories, felt stuffed to the gills, poured a Guinness (drank half, then poured it out), climbed in my car for a chocolate run (with a kid in tow to run into the store for me -- I look a hot mess), came back and ate 200 calories of Hershey's (half of that in the car, and half on the couch, still within my calorie range) - and then within a half-hour decided to completely blow it, made an egg bagel, slathered with butter and a dash of grape jelly (I never eat this crap, so I know I'm on a binge), eat it furiously and sit down to type this? I know I have to face it, claim it, name it, pray about it, give it up to God -- whatever I can do to not be consumed by it.

This is where the tough part comes in, honey. And it is tough. Because the most wicked saboteur is not friends, family, commercials, celebrity or anything else. It's SELF. And I was wondering when it would kick in. I was wondering when my willpower and drive would fail. And it is now. When the manure hits the fan.

If I can't keep on the path, despite my unhappiness, then I have problems. I need to face this problem, whatever it is at the root, dig it up and get rid of it.

I don't know how yet. But I'm standing in the hole with a shovel, ready to cut into the root, or pull the dirt over my head.

Not a Plateau

2010-07-25T10:28:00.004-05:00

I wouldn't say I'm at a plateau, but I have maintained my weight this week. A plateau would mean that, despite my continued weight-loss efforts, my body refuses to lose weight. I can not say that I was entirely diligent in the weight-loss effort department this week. And that's OK. Maybe subconsciously I need a bit of a break.

I went to lunch with one of my bosses this week. I don't normally do that, even though the opportunity is constantly there. I work in an office of people who love to do lunch. Lunch out of the office or take-out brought into the office, doesn't matter. 99.9% of the time I turn down lunch offers. I always have. Be it money or me watching what I eat, or the fact that I'm working and need to get things done. Last week, though, came to a point of You Can't Refuse The Boss. So I didn't. My resistance was down anyway. It was an excuse not to work on a slow day, it was dinner on the boss, and I like my boss.

And I like food, not to mention.

So I went. Ate reasonable. Enjoyed it. Moved on. Saved my Lean Cuisine for another day.

There's no way I can make it practice, of coarse, or it would be a sabotage of my good habits.

But last week was filled with experiences somewhat like that. Two weeks of this is not good, as far as losing weight goes. I'm tickled to have lost last week and maintained this week, but time has come to gather the discipline despite the food-eating opportunities that summer brings. The heat has been an unfortunate factor for me, too. I haven't gone on the walks I normally do.

So my goal for this next week will be to journal my food every single day and to exercise. Pretty simple. All of this, of coarse, to see the needle on the scale bob a bit lower, which is the whole point of things right now. I'm ready to be out of my 26 pants, feel them getting looser.

It is a delicate balance of motivating myself to move on, but being in tune enough to know not to push to much. Technically, I should be able to stay at 266 for a year. 266 is better than 298, which is better than 338. Using that broader perspective, I am at a better place than I've been in years. I don't want to push myself so much that I throw in the towel.

So we'll see. My hope is continued weight loss. But bigger picture I don't ever want to be back where I was at 298.

Cocktails and Conversation

2010-07-21T15:36:00.004-05:00

First and foremost: my dog stinks. He's sitting right next to me, wondrous companion that he is, and reeks of doggie stench. Love him anyway.

Speaking of doggie, he's great. Haven't had him for too long, a couple months, really. But it is so nice to have someone to walk with. He's not big, so I couldn't take him for much more of a walk than I do (3 miles maybe 4 tops). A guard dog he is not, but a joyful tag-along he is.

Yesterday we went out for drinks and chatting with a couple of friends. Prior to cocktails and conversation I hauled donkey on a 40-minute walk, purposely hitting a few hills and keeping the momentum at a nice clip. All this so that I didn't have to worry too much about what I ate, knowing I'd have to burn some calories just to make up for it.

Sitting on my barstool, I enjoyed the looseness of the cotton shirt I was wearing. Last year it was snug on my hips, this year it hangs loosely. Must make note of these things and continually remind myself how much better it feels to be comfortable in my skin.

I ended up having a couple of drinks and splitting an appetizer with my husband (mini burgers and a scotch egg). Not so bad, could have been worse. Can't make it a nightly event, but for something special it was nice.

Today I'm back on track, and making sure to journal my intake. I'm wearing a pair of shorts that didn't fit me last year. They're still a little snugger than I'd like. I intend to change that.

Have a great day.

266

2010-07-20T16:26:00.002-05:00

Through the grazing and the stress, I'm still managing to (slowly) melt away fat (or brain cells, who knows).

OK, OK. Sarcasm aside. Another pound gone. One I don't feel too deserving of, honestly. I feel like I went piggy this past week and didn't put in the exercise time because of the blazing heat. I figured I might stay the same, or go up a pound. So when I stepped on the scale, it was a bit of a surprise to me.

Until I gave it more thought.

The me now is different from the me then, six months ago. Even if I miss a couple of days journaling (I'm not saying it is good, I'm just saying it happens), I try and make up for it-- or I'm really diligent about getting it done for the next few days. Even if I miss a day or two of walking, I put in work another time.

My walks are longer.

My "pigouts" pack less punch.

My food choices are better.

This week we did some pizza pick-up, those $5 special ones with a side of jalapeno cheese bread. Love it, but it is most definitely the devil's food. Greasy, salty, a bit spicy. But falls under the "live to eat" food and not the other way around.

After placing the order, I went and cut up a bell pepper and a tomato, doused it with a tablespoon of Newman's balsamic dressing (light) and ate up, making sure to get my veggies in and fill my tummy on something good.

Pizza comes and I grabbed 3 cheese sticks and a slice of pizza. I ate it all and was stuffed. That... was a pig out.

While feeling the strain of my over indulgence, my mind began to spin (as the norm). I felt like a royal pig with a douse of guilt. But then I contemplated. I stayed within my calorie range that day. No, not the greatest food choices, but still within limits (calorie limits, I think I hit the ceiling on the fat quota). I also noted that I did not go back for seconds. Something that I would normally do. I ate what I put on my plate, and I was done.

Hmm.

Interesting.

Practice breeds habit. Going for walks is becoming a habit. Eating one serving is becoming a habit. Eating smaller more reasonable portions is becoming a habit. Enough so that I'm able to still lose weight, while not being as good as I could be. I'm not saying it is optimum or preferred, but it is a step in the right direction.

Years of lazy eating habits being chipped away at. Never will I get cocky because, like a drug addict, slipping back can make for a sad spell off the wagon.

Versatile Blogger Award

2010-07-19T11:52:00.004-05:00

Hey, lookie here. My very first blogger award! How very exciting. Thank you, Allan. Now, with great power comes great responsibility, says Spiderman. Muhahahaha, power. Heh. Deal is, I need to thank the person who gave the award (waves again to Allan), also I need to nominate 15 other bloggers for the award (and tell them about it). Play it forward, so to speak. I also need to tell 7 things you may not know about me.

Seven things about me:

I love coffee and red wine, but they're both hard on me delicate tummy.
I hate the sun. Well, not hate. If it is cool outside, I can handle it, but on a hot, humid day... oh no. Sun, sun, stay away.
I talk to myself. A lot.
I love to wear flip-flops, and would wear them all the time if I could.
I'm a night owl.
I have so many nicknames for my dog it's probably not normal.
My toenails are always painted.
I hate taking my contacts out of my eyes. No matter how many times I do it, it still ookies me out and I often end up cursing during the process.

So I went above and beyond on the 7 things because I'm going to condense the 15 nommies. Sorry, folks. I'm a loner, Dottie. A rebel.

And for my nominations...

Almost Gastric Bypass

Who Ate My Blog?

365 Days with the 330 Pound Woman

Stuffing My Feelings

Bye Bye Fat Pants

Deflating

2010-07-14T10:46:00.005-05:00

" I am sitting on the porcelain throne, dropping the deuce, and here to give all the fans a play by play..." -- Allan

Gotta be my favorite line from a blog in a long time. Was peeling through some archives, and couldn't help but feel the need to share that one.

-------------

The other day we were at a family get together and I noticed my auntie-in-law had lost some weight (intentional weight loss, I have to note). I told her how fabulous she looked. "You bet your (string of obscenities) I lose weight," she said, "I lost seventy fricken pounds!!!"

I commended her again, while my head chewed on what a 70-pound loss looks like on her, also noting that I myself had lost 70 pounds. She did look good. Better. Thinner. She looked like a shrunken down version of herself. The same rolls, sags and pillows. Just... smaller rolls, sags and pillows.

Hmm.

That's what straight up weight loss does for you. Shrinks you. Doesn't tone or tighten you, it just takes the air out of the dough. That's... well, that's me. On a less obvious scale. She was maybe where I am now when she started losing weight. And I lost mine in phases of years.

But back to the whole shrinking thing. Right now that's all I'm doing. I'm shrinking myself. In the shower the other day I could feel that my body was smaller. My brain finally caught onto that, feeling my stomach, and noticing it was smaller than before. Shaving my legs, there's less surface. What a strange feeling. I'm not toning, not yet. I can't handle all that yet. One mountain at a time. But I'm thinking about it more and more, thinking I should set some kind of milestone at which I will start to tone. When I reach my goal weight?

My walks are getting longer. Instead of being satiated at 20 minutes, it now takes me about 40 to feel like I've gotten a good amount in. I enjoy my long walks, providing the weather is nice (nice meaning less than 80-degrees and shady). I struggle on the days when it is hot, especially if I have my hair blown out. But my walks are getting longer, and on my long walk the other day I started to think about the fact that I'm going to need to tone up this deflated bag at some point.

In addition to my walking, I'm adding on 3 sets of 50 situps 3 times per week. Not a whole lot, but some foundation work to get me going. My sagging tummy is my worst enemy, and there's no reason not to add that to my "todo" list along with my walking.

I'm glad to say I'm feeling those situps 2 days later, so I know I worked my tummy well.

30 more pounds and I'll have lost 100 pounds. It's not sinking in yet, though. Every goal I reach, I'm always looking for the next one. Right now I can't wait to be on the other side of 200 -meaning being under 250. I'm pretty well motivated to get there, but always wary of the obstacles that await.

Serving Size of Dry vs Cooked Pasta

2010-07-12T20:39:00.007-05:00

Figuring out the serving sizes of dry vs. cooked pasta has been a bit of an issue for me. The box says 2oz of dry pasta. Great. That's easy enough, but considering you boil the pasta prior to eating it, dry measurements aren't very helpful. When it comes time to count my calories, I can get a little neurotic trying to figure it all out. So today I did a little experiment.

Below, 2oz. of DRY pasta. Not much to it, just 2oz. of pasta, weighed out. Not very impressive, and doesn't amount to a whole lot.

I boiled this in a small saucepan, separate from the big batch boiling for the rest of the family.

Here it is after being thrown into boiling, salted water for a bout 12 minutes.

Not a huge difference visually. Maybe doubled. But less pasta than my kids would eat in a sitting. More importantly, is the weight.

The COOKED pasta comes to 126 grams.

Dry pasta: 2oz (aka 56 grams)

Cooked pasta: 126 grams (aka 4.3 ounces)

So, a simple calculation would be that you can measure out 4 ounces of cooked pasta to equal the 2oz. serving size of dry pasta.

When eying it up in my bowl, I figured it was about the size of a Lean Cuisine or other pre-packaged foods for fatties. It's a normal serving size. I ate it, with a little bit of sauce, some olive oil and parmesan cheese, contemplating the me a year ago who would probably eat double that amount. Most restaurants give double or triple that for their portion sizes.

Hope that's helpful to someone else. It sure helped me.

Whaap

2010-07-09T22:51:00.002-05:00

I know it's not exactly what anyone wants to hear about when they visit a blog, but I'm pretty sure I'm getting my period soon. I hope to God I am. Not because I don't wanna be pregnant (secret is, I'd love to have another baby, unfortunately vasectomies tend to work in the other direction), but it would explain why I feel like walking around with a rolled up newspaper, bonking people over the head with it.

Whaap!!! Whaap!!! Whaap!!!

Lovely.

Drink, You Fool

2010-07-06T07:02:00.003-05:00

It's been so hot out the past few days. Our air is not working (going on over a week now) and my mood is suffering because of it. Heat, humidity and me don't make good company.

But I haven't done anything radical. Not yet. I'm hanging in there.

Amazingly I've still managed to get out and exercise here and there, despite the fact that you could fry an egg on my head (if you shaved my hair first). In the cool of the morning right now I'm contemplating a quick walk with my doggie. Contemplating. Haven't quite worked up to it, yet. But it is nice out right now, almost on the verge of raining. Perfect walking weather. The mosquitoes, though, will kill you. Literally. So walks have been hard. After taking yesterday off, though, it is a necessity.

Also a necessity is me drinking oodles of water today. I've slacked off on that (no clue why, still trying to figure it out) ever since the heatwave hit. Does not make sense at all, really. I notice it in my legs, though. I had cramps the other day and couldn't figure out what I'd been doing to give myself leg cramps.

Um.. not drinking water, and existing in a jungle for the past 7 days?

So, the goal today is to drink water and get a nice walk in. I should be able to manage that.

267

2010-07-05T11:12:00.005-05:00

I've maintained 269, so I can' mark that as "official" -- but I've also LOST 2 MORE POUNDS!?

Something is just not right. Maybe it is that I so much worry about failing that I figure I will. Maybe I'm so accustomed to getting on the scale and being disappointed when the numbers go up, up, up (or stay the same). I don't know what it is. I'm happy and thrilled, but scared.

I'm 1/2 way to my goal. Wow.

If I can lose the first 70, I should be able to lose 70 more? Right?

I'm not going to worry about that right now. Daily progress, daily battles.

This holiday weekend I had a couple days where I took in too many calories (think fireworks, cheeses, bread, beer...). At least I think I took in too many calories. I didn't count them and I didn't regulate what I had eaten. So I figured it would be one of those weeks where the number either rises or doesn't budge.

At any rate, I'm trying to think of what is helpful to me at this point, and what is facilitating change.

Journaling my calories. Paying attention to portions. It seems super simplified, and it is. But, for me, it's a true snapshot of how I'm eating, what I'm spending my calories on, and where I could improve. I use sparkpeople.com, but there are many other programs.
Tracking my exercise. Reality check for me, and often it is motivation. Yesterday I was burning with heat, but still called a friend to meet up at the dog park and take a little walk with the dogs. We walked at a slower pace, for about a mile. But that mile was better than me butt-sitting on the couch. I'm more purposeful in my movement. Cleaning, walking... just to get more burnage of calories in.
Eating pre-packaged meals. I'm not big on prepared meals. I've compromised because my weight loss is important; they've been a lifesaver for me. So much of my overeating and bad food choices is based on circumstance (busy, tired, can't think up a proper meal). Supplementing a meal a day, especially on the days where I'm down to 300 calories and I need dinner, has helped.

Speaking of movement. I think I have more energy.

My clothes fit much better. I still visualize myself as a 300-pound woman, though, rather than one who is closer to 250 than 300. I know I'm not up at 338 (that was a long time ago). My brain is still having a hard time keeping up with my body changes. My shape is the same, just smaller, which may confuse my brain.

I've gotten a lot more compliments recently. My mother noticed yesterday. My husband keeps telling me that I'm smaller. My kids haven't said anything. It will be interesting to see when/if they do.

In about a month we're supposed to go on a camping/canoe trip. I'm a little nervous. I don't wear shorts. I haven't even tried on my swimsuit. Just recently I wore my first sleeveless shirt. It doesn't make sense to me that at 338 I was resigned to being fat and finally got myself to the point of not caring what anyone else said - I was going to live my life and enjoy it. And now I'm 70 pounds lighter and am concerned about wearing shorts?

Oy.

I'm at the lowest weight I've been at in over 10 years (or more... I can't remember!!!) and I should be enjoying myself, my body and my family and not worrying about these things.

Today I will choose to be happy about where I am, where I've been and the hopeful goal of having to buy new clothes this fall. I can't wait to go down a pant size.

I Feel Great

2010-06-29T21:34:00.002-05:00

I weighed myself and I'm 270. But I'm not going to change the weigh-in from before, because I'm pretty well convinced I'm going to get there within the next week or so. If I don't, then I'll reluctantly change it and suck it up. But I really think I pop a Dulcolax (ahem) and make it to 269. Sorry if that's grouse, but hey.

I've been doing OK, actually. I was a little worried there for a bit because I wasn't journaling or exercising at all (after I got the stomach flu). I thought, Oh here we go... motivation gone, to return whenever? But it didn't turn out to be that way, thankfully.

Right now I'm about 30 pounds down from my February weight and I feel good. I feel great, actually. My highest weight was 338. I was buying my clothes online and had gone beyond the normal accommodations for a fat person. No longer able to buy pants in the store, hard time fitting into chairs and stalls. After getting down to 298 and riding around there for a while, I was teetering on feeling more normal, but still finding myself the largest person in the room, and feeling huge.

Now, at 270/269 I feel much more "normal" in my body. I can shop off the rack. I fit in chairs better.

[digression]

Today I was called into my boss's office and asked to take a seat for a quick conference. Normally I'd perch on the edge of the seat because the armrests were too narrow for me, rather than appear like a pig stuck in the fence, taking notes. For no reason, though, today I slid right back, utilizing the armrests.

What?!

Yeah, baby, yeah.

[/digression]

It's definitely not the end of the road, my goal, or where I want to be. I was wondering today if I could hang out here comfortably for a while, maintain, and let my body settle. I worry too much weight loss is setting myself up for disaster. But I'm not quite ready to maintain at this point. Maybe another 20 pounds and I'll hold that for a couple months. We'll see. I don't really know.

I am finding that I'm still somewhat frightened of losing weight. As much as I enjoy being able to fit into the clothes I have (gosh it feels fabulous), I'm still scared. I'm super excited, though, to have the scale dip below 250. That will be exciting. 238, 100-pounds down will be pee-my-pants hoorah. It will also probably be quite a while, though, because I'm enjoying summer and all of the fun foods, drinks BBQs, sporting events, all that good stuff.

...

On another note, I walked 3 miles yesterday and almost 2 today. I love that I have more energy.

Veggie Obsession

2010-06-28T23:29:00.003-05:00

Here's one of my current veggie obsession:

broccoli sprouts & homemade salsa (or pico de gallo from the store)

dress with oil & vinegar or Newman's light balsamic

Very yummy. I use about 1 cup of "fluffed" sprouts, and 1/3 cup salsa, or whatever combination. I ate it twice today. Very good, very low calorie.

Ups and Downs

2010-06-26T11:28:00.004-05:00

I was sick with the stomach flu, which knocked me down to 269. After I regained my health again, I went back to 270. I'll weigh myself next week to see where I'm falling.

I've also been doing some fun summery things lately, which is great for the spirit, but not always so good for my eating. I can't pre-pack a lunch where the calories are all accounted for when we hit a baseball game, or picnick with friends. I have to just allow myself to either skip counting that day or try to figure it out later. I watch my portions. Normally I'd be going for walks, but it is so hot out that my walking has been decreased. Knowing this, I have to figure out what I will do to ensure I don't explode.

But the great thing is, I met up with some of my lady friends last night and one kept commenting on how good I looked and how I'd lost weight. It was validating. Because the week before I about murdered my husband.

We met up with some of his old work friends for a little tailgaiting and a game. I was feeling pretty good, my clothes fitting nicely, hadn't seen them for a while. Surely they'd notice, right?

Never assume.

We get there, say our hellos, huggy, huggy. My man trails in behind me and that's when our friends start in. Man, you have lost weight!!! Wow. You look great, dude. You've really slimmed down. I literally wanted to step back a few yards, get down low, sweep my foot out behind me and snort a few times before I ran at the group and knocked them all off of their little chairs and coolers. And then do it again. And then barrel over my husband.

It was like that. No. He's not been struggling, journaling, denying of self, weighing in, sacrificing. No, no. His wife is just doing that. He just loses weight because of it.

But I can't concentrate on it too much or my blood boils.

So instead I think on the gathering with my girlfriends last night and the multiple compliments from one of the ladies, questions on how I was doing it. And THEN, a few days ago, I saw an old friend who lives miles away who I hadn't seen for a year and she kept telling me how great I looked. How much she noticed I had lost weight. God love both of them for noticing.

With my husband's work friends, bless their hearts, but they're all kind of centered around my husband. I'm just part of the package. So honestly, I wasn't surprised that they didn't notice anything different with me. With MY friends, they're so sweet, and they noticed because they notice me.

At any rate, that's better than what the scale is telling me. And it is motivation to continue the slow, but sure progress that being intentional, holding myself accountable (with journaling) brings.

269

2010-06-17T08:33:00.003-05:00

I don't know if I even want to make it official by putting it up here because I had to get sick to lose it. But it is what it is. I won't consider it a "goal made" until I hold it for a week, though. I just can't. But that's my weight for this week. My next kind of "mini-goal" in my head is 262.

The Bonus Of Feeling Like Crap Is That You Lose Weight

2010-06-15T19:27:00.002-05:00

I've been sick. Friday my sis-in-law came over for some wine and brie, and I ended up spending almost as much time on the toilet as I did sitting with her and my husband.

Appetizing. I know.

Saturday I pretended to feel better (that's what I usually do), went to some graduations. Came home. Felt gurgling.

Sunday I was laid out cold all day. Bathroom, couch. Couch, bathroom. Bathroom. Sleep, sleep, sleep. A little World Cup, when tolerable. But mostly for background noise to know that I was still alive.

Misery.

Yeah, so on top of having my period, I've got some nasty food poisoning or stomach flu. Nice.

I don't puke, haven't for a couple decades. But wished desperately that I did. I was so nauseous and it wasn't leaving my body fast enough. Monday, better, but not much. Popsicles, a few bites of food here and there. Today I tried getting in to work for a little bit and was not successful. Brought stuff home to do, but still haven't gotten around to it. Using most of my energy just to hold down the fort, get kids to the movies, take the dog out. I feel better, but waves of ick hit me and then I'm like, and why are you up and around acting like you feel OK?

I hate feeling sick. I'm a hypochondriac, so I just like to be better, but also I hate that it ties me down. But, looking at the bright side, I think I lost a couple pounds. Better take a picture of the scale, 'cause I'm sure my appetite will come back raging like a beast and I'll put it back on.

I've been sucking down popsicles, fruit, and today a doughnut. Craving simple carbs, apparently. My mouth wants to eat, but my digestive system is sluggish. I did try some jambalaya, though (hot and spicy - yum). Soup would do me some real good, but I've got nobody but myself to make it and myself is tired.

Oh, I'm Still Kickin'

2010-06-11T17:08:00.004-05:00

I suppose after my last post it might be assumed I jumped off the wagon and into a warm vat of gooey chocolate. With caramel. Pecans, extra please... oh, and vanilla custard. Whipped cream. And a cherry.

Wha-- Huh?

I'm sorry, was I drooling?

One of those days, I guess. :)

Thanks for the sweet, supportive comments in that last post. I'm still dealing with the stress. Trying not to eat/drink it away/pill-pop it away. I sure wish I'd be one of those freak people who exercise or clean like a nut when they're stressed out, rather than turn to food. At least it's productive. I like to drink sometimes, but wouldn't want to be drunk 24/7, so that is good. The pills, I'm scared of getting addicted to, and they apparently have a decent street value because of their ability to charm.

So I'm working on walking on the sidewalk, not the curb, and definitely not right down the middle of the street waiting to get hit. There are times when I don't know how I do it, but taking it day by day helps. And then it messes you all up, too. But whatever. I'm not trying to be all pity party me, "I've got stress" woo-hoo. It is what it is. I realize the whole world out there has pains of its own. Mine are not unique. Maybe I will get into it more sometime, maybe not.

The good news is: I LOST 2 MORE POUNDS!!!

I'm not entirely sure how it happened, really, but I guess even when I'm pigging out now it isn't to the level of pigging out from a few months ago, and, for the most part I'm eating within my boundaries. It was scary there for a few days, though, because I wasn't sure if I was taking a one-way trip off the wagon or what.

My body has settled pretty well where I am. I could, technically stay here for a good year, letting my body adjust. But I think I really would rather sit at about 250-something, or below, then what I'm at right now. I don't feel like stopping just yet. I'm slow, but somewhat steady. My pace allows me some mess-ups, but not too many. Today I'm kind of taking one, and maybe tomorrow. Graduation parties, end-of-year stuff... we'll see, though. We'll see.

One thing I have to say, though, that bugs the living bagoodles out of me is that my husband is now pulling his belt a couple notches tighter. His pants are looser (looser than mine are). He has visibly lost weight, no questions about it. No waiting for people to ask, "Have you lost weight?!" No fat-blogging, calorie-counting. Nothing. This happens, literally EVERY time I am being conscious of my eating and working towards being healthier.

When I say it bugs the living bagoodles out of me, I mean you could take each one of those letters, pretend they are glass, and smash them on the ground screaming, and that might equal the frustration that I feel when this happens. And I poo-poo you not, it happens EVERY TIME. I don't know why it happens either, but it's not fair and it needs to stop.

Stress

2010-05-27T14:48:00.003-05:00

It's been a difficult week.

STRESS

That is the operative word. And my comfort remedy is generally food, booze or shopping. I'm not one who turns to healthy means to comfort myself. I admit it.

We have no money, so shopping is out of the question. Although I've window shopped in nearly every thrift store within a ten-mile radius. I just haven't purchased anything. Well, I did pick up a 25 cent cookbook. Whoopie.

I haven't drank much because my calories don't allow, and only to add to the mix, I have stomach problems (aggravated by the stress, which alcohol and caffeine only make the tummy worse...). My doctor gave me Xanax for when my anxiety is through the roof (which has been daily), but I'm partially too chicken to take it because I fear being addicted. She also gave me a script for Zoloft, which I'm also not wanting to take (I don't want the side-effects, withdrawl and I don't want to give up having a glass of wine or beer sometimes).

So God's really working me, eh? My load is heavy, my family stress is through the roof (dealing with an adult child who has real "issues"). All of my cooping mechanisms are are basically gone right now. I have to figure out how I'm going to work though all of this. So far, it appears the same way I've limped through the last 18 months of my life - day by miserable day, grasping onto what is good. It hasn't been easy.

I don't really have any friends, not the kind that you immediately call when life is stressful, and get instant relief in the sound of their voice. No. Seriously, all of my friends have their own baggage. So it's almost a chore to call them; because I'm a "good listener" I end up sitting on the phone listening to them babble on about their husbands, kids, work and messy houses. It doesn't help. It really doesn't. My mom is wrapped up in the same stuff that is going on with my daughter (and she also has one foot in the river called DeNial), so that's not helpful. My husband is my husband. I love him, but there's strain there too. I end up resenting him because I carry the burdens of stress (mostly worrying about the finances).

I feel like I've nowhere to go and the walls are caving in on me. I wish I could eat it away, but not having my clothes fit would only add to my state of misery. I know this. I guess that's a step in the right direction.

So I type it out in my fatblog. Great. Lucky you. Lucky world.

I'm going to go take it on. Enjoy yours.

274

2010-05-24T11:03:00.003-05:00

I don't feel like it was the best week for me. It was my period week, which never helps. I had an insatiable, literally, desire for sweets, and an almost equal need to constantly eat. It is amazing I made it out of the past week alive. On top of that, there were family stresses galore (negative), and social outings (positive). All things that could have sent me spiraling into a food coma.

We had friends over Friday. As usual, out came the drinks, cheeses and munchies. My favorite was the brie, second the hummus, and I feasted on them both. The next day was a grill out at the cousins. I did well during dinner (turkey burger, a couple chips), but overdid it later by chomping on chocolates and potato chips (don't ask). The next day was BBQ at the inlaws. I snarfed salad early to fill up my stomach, skipped the chips and beer, but indulged in the ice cream cake dessert. Compromises.

BUT...

Prior to going to the inlaws yesterday I WENT ON A 5.8-MILE BIKE RIDE!!! I've been wanting to do this loop for a long, long time. It is right by our house; daily I see people tooling down the path, hearts pumping, legs cycling. I longed to do it, too.

Admittedly, I had to walk my bike up the major hill. But I did it. There was no call made to home to have someone pick me up because I couldn't make it. There was, however, a bit of humble pie eaten as a silver-haired couple rode their bikes past me as I pushed mine. Yeah. That felt really good. I told myself that someday I, too, would make it up that hill.

It took me almost an hour to complete the windy, semi-hilly ride. It is a beautiful ride. But the beauty took second seat to my huffing, puffing, leg-aching, constant "I-think-I-can" chant going on in my head. The hottest day of the year and I decide to hop on my bike for the first time to conquer a ride I've never even tried. Smart.

By the time I arrived home I was shaky, wobbly, sweating like an animal, and exhausted. It took me an hour and a cold shower to stop sweating.

But I burned over 400 calories. And I accomplished something pretty big (for me).

And, by making little tweaks to my normally abandoned eating behavior, I managed to hold my weight through a stressful, hormone-laden, socially eventful week.

Mission accomplished. Those little changes are what I will need to do all summer long to be able to hold or lose weight (I'd like to lose, obviously).

But, I saved the biggest news for last. It happened. I finally had someone ask me if I've lost weight. It was, bless her heart, my sister-in-law. She told me I looked great, said she could see it in my face, and we had a nice conversation on the struggles of weight loss.

Now I can check that goal off my list. Next goal? - 269.

This week I'm keeping away from desserts/sweets. Five days, M-F. I have to do it. I have to break myself from it for a few days.

Little Changes Everywhere

2010-05-19T08:49:00.003-05:00

Today I am pleased that I have been able to make strides in my health, to be more intentional about my eating. I feel blessed to see visible reward for that effort. It is slow, and the changes are small. But there are changes.

Yesterday my cousin said I looked "slim" - not quite "have you lost weight" but getting close.

It'll happen.

Frustrating to me, though, is that not only has my weight spiraled out of control, but so has my house, my finances, and my life. As I continue to be thoughtful about my eating and exercise, my desire is to extend that intentionality to other areas of my life.

My cluttered house.

My sagging checkbook.

My overextended schedule.

I need to make tangible moves to change those other areas of my life so that my weight loss and health advances can continue. My cluttered house stresses me out. My bills, constantly being paid late (or forgotten), stresses me out. Having so much on my plate, too many commitments, stresses me out.

My goal over the next few months is to correct some of this. It overwhelms and depresses me. Like, seriously. I feel oppressed. I don't like it. God's purpose in my life is weighed down by fat, clutter and "things I need to do." Little changes everywhere. I need to make a clearer path for myself.

275

2010-05-17T22:46:00.003-05:00

I weighed in the yesterday and it say 274. I about fell over. I've been so bloated an miserable (IBS) that I was certain I was gaining weight. It didn't reflect on the scale, but I'll tell you when your pants start cutting off valuable oxygen to your brain, you start to wonder if you've overindulged too much.

Horrible feeling. But I had to keep my head. Even though I had bookclub and other fun eatery occasions over the weekend. Even though there's some weird little thing in my mind that really would rather me just slide back up, than continue to go down.

So much of what I'm going through is mental. Physically I can conquer more than I think. Mentally, emotionally -- that's where my difficulties set in. If I continue tracking my calories and movement, I'm fine. But if I think too long on the whole weight thing, the clothes and the way they fit. The fact that I continue to go down?.. I start to lose my mind just a little bit.

No. Probably not normal. I realize that.

And I'm not saying I'm not happy about it. But, in a way it all feels like a lie. Like, sure, I'll lose some weight - AND THEN I'LL PACK IT BACK ON. Fear of failure, maybe. Fatbloggers (or "fitbloggers" if that makes you feel better) die off like a bad germ at a Purell convention. Half my link list has stopped updating or dropped off the map. Most of them making such remarkable progress, too. Inspiring.

Weight loss is one beast. If you can conquer the weight loss part, there's a whole new world of maintenance. I hear it is worse, actually.

Also, if you lose a significant amount -- like over 100 pounds, people notice. And, God forbid, you gain it back, people will notice that too.

Stinkin' thinkin' though, and I have to stay away from that thought pool. Not even drip my toes in to see how it feels. Walk past it, look at it and shrug it off. Deceptive. Waiting for failure.

But, I'll tell you, when I weighed in yesterday and saw the 274, I immediately knew I wouldn't record it as my weight. I knew I'd re-weigh again, until I got the result I needed (which wasn't 274) and use that. Weirdness.

But, hey. I'm creeping closer to 259 than 299, now, right? Interesting. Presently, I'm pretty focused on 269. It's only 6 pounds away. A month or so. That would put me 1/2 way to goal. Crazy talk. Just crazy. I literally can not believe I'm almost there. I don't believe the scale, I don't really believe my pants (but mostly I don't believe the scale).

I just have to focus on what I can: calories. And ignore what inhibits me from getting to the goal(s) I'm aiming for. But how do you ignore yourself?

Reality Check

2010-05-12T09:22:00.004-05:00

Here is why it is good to journal. It keeps you accountable. Sometimes it shows you how far you've come, and sometimes it is a mirror to show you what work you need to do. Either is good.

This is a journal entry from a year ago (slightly abbreviated):

Springtime... I decided I might just break out a pair of capris from last year. Why not?

I took out a pair that I picked up from Fashion Bug. They're super comfortable. I slid them on. No. That's not true. I went to slide them on an realized that I more had to stuff them on. And I could barely zip them.

I tried on 2 more pairs - my looser pairs. They were uncomfortable. Oh my gosh. UNcomfortable. Like - what the heck am I going to wear in a few weeks?! I'm devastated... I seriously need some prayer and support. Don't we all? What is the magic key that had me start this so long ago? How did I, at 330 make a decision to go down instead of be lazy and keep gaining?

... I was happier when I was simply 20 pounds lighter. I felt good. Clothes felt good - they fit better. I am not so weak that I can't lose 20 pounds.

Right now I'm 299. I want to hit 279 before summer...

Last year was rough around this time. I'll admit. I don't blame myself for needing to focus on my family instead of my eating. But I'm still glad I wrote about my struggles with my clothing. It was such a disappointment to me to take out the wardrobe I so proudly accumulated, only to bust the buttons off of the jeans and rip zippers. I kept having to go back to the few faithful "fat" pants that I had. I refused to buy any new clothing to fit my expanded body

And today I can fit back into those clothes. I'd like for them to be loose on me very soon.

Resistant To Change (277)

2010-05-10T22:27:00.005-05:00

My insatiable appetite today had me running for a calendar to see if I was pre-menstrual. It was that bad. I'm not, though. I'm just coming off another weekend out of town.

This past weekend I can't say I did very well, but I can't say I did horribly. Saturday night dinner out I split a meal, had a moderate amount of appetizer - AND I went for a long walk (hauling butt) Sunday morning that brought me to sweat in 50-degree weather. And I had Chinese for Mother's Day. I indulged, but not to the extent that I would have if I weren't paying more attention.

Today I scrubbed floors, went for 3 walks and kept under my calories (OK, over by 6) to make up for it.

All of these things I could live with. Since I'm on the path to better lifelong choice-making, I guess I feel OK with it.

Today I weighed in at 277. My strange mental problem won't let me make it official. I thought on this off and on through the day, wondering what my malfunction is.

Fear, probably. I've lived a very fat lady for years. 300 pounds is heavy. Heavier than most. As much as an obstacle as it has been, frustrating, embarrassing (at times) - it's me. It's what I've been comfortable with. I've grown accustomed to accommodating my girth. Not having to work around that obstacle on a continuous thought wheel means making new accommodations in other places of my life -- opening doors that have always been closed off to me.

I think there's a part of me that is scared. Like, really scared.

Sixty pounds ago I would have not done everything I do now. Thirty pounds ago I don't know if I would have even made it out to dinner with friends the other night (I arrived late, and have been groomed to be fearful of fitting my big body into too-small places - arriving late could have presented a very embarrassing scenario). I would have made an excuse as to why I couldn't make dinner with the group, and spent it solo.

Not this time. I arrived late, feeling more confident than I've felt in a long time.

It's all good. Changes in the right direction. But it is still change, something I'm not always entirely comfortable with. If I have the strength to get down into the 250 zone I will literally poo in my pants. I'm 20 pounds away from 257, and 20 pounds away from 297.

Which will win out?

Not Normal

2010-05-04T22:24:00.004-05:00

Though I've been busy, I'm still on track. With weekends out of town; still on track. Constantly making little changes in my behavior (eating and otherwise). Taking the stairs to my hotel room 3 floors up. Walking, intentionally, instead of sitting around during downtime. I overindulged a bit, but still managed to hold my weight -- actually lose in the process.

We need to talk about that losing.

I'm starting to get weird.

See, I started weighing myself with my Wii Fit. It was unintentional, really. I purchased the 'Fit and the board, and went through the process of making my character. Weighed in. Fine. I just grew accustomed to it. I liked the way the line moves down and it's much funner than weighing myself on the shipping scale in the basement.

None of that is weird.

What's weird is this hang up I have over being 279. See, I technically hit that goal with the Wii Fit last week. In fact, I hit 278 - surpassing one of my first BIG goals (my lowest weight in 20 years). But it didn't feel official. I couldn't allow myself (and still can't) to celebrate that goal until my shipping scale reflects the same.

The shipping scale says 280. The shipping scale fluctuates, the Wii Fit does not. I truly think the Wii Fit might be the better scale. But I can't get over the fact that the shipping scale is still stuck a little higher.

Instead of celebrating, I'm obsessing.

I shouldn't do this to myself. I shouldn't put so much on the number of the scale. Because, realistically, I could visit the doctor and have the scale say 285 and crap my pants right there, if I want to get technical.

I DO NOT WANT TO BE MY OWN WORST ENEMY.

This is how I failed at Weight Watchers. I couldn't' stand that when I went to my evening meetings, I always weighed in heavier than I did when I'd to my own (un)official weigh-ins (in the morning, after using the bathroom, and generally in my bra and underwear). It frustrated me to no end, and became the downfall of my efforts. I'm sure there were other issues that added to my distress, but the scale thing I really couldn't get over.

So you're telling me that when I weigh in at home on my scale and I'm celebrating my 5-pound weight loss, I can't have my little badge?!

Not for me.

The good thing is that my clothes are looser. I feel like I have more energy. Did I say my clothes are looser?

My next goal is to have someone notice and ask me, "Have you lost weight?" Because, so far, it hasn't happened. I don't really understand it, honestly. To me it feels like I'm walking around with a horse leg sticking out of my head and nobody's noticing. I know the big (but apparently subtle) changes that have gone on with my body, but people haven't caught on yet. I'm waiting.

Not A Stellar Day

2010-04-22T21:31:00.003-05:00

Yeah, so today was kind of a reckless day for me. Not a bad day in a whole, but I'm guessing I didn't make any strides in the right direction.

I'ma put it to you straight, momma: I'm on my period. So I literally, like, literally, might need to have PDOs once a month.

Period Day Off.

Because I just have to go wild one day, it seems, or I end up either raging on the world, or crying in the fetal position in line at Target. Neither is really good.

For lunch I went to the Indian buffet and for dinner I ended up chowing down on take-out Chinese.

Neither dinner came from a box that said Healthy Choice, Lean Cuisine or anything, so as you can imagine, they were filled with fat and calories. It was way more laziness and less craving, really. And I allowed myself that. No excuses tomorrow, though, I gotta be a really (really) good girl if I want to make my goal.

I did not gorge, though, at either meal, which is still a shift to a better way of being. I would have taken a walk if I weren't busy shopping and feeling like I was walking around with lead in my butt.

OH. But I did get a pedicure. And if it weren't for that lead feeling, I'd take a picture and show you how cute my toes are. Trust me, they're cute. And it was a good pedicure. Splurged an extra 5 bucks for the leg massage, foot massage and extra pampering. Worth it, totally. Although I had some stubble on my leg, so the dude who gave me the pedicure had to cut his hands while he massaged my calves.

All in a days work.

Making A Better Choice

2010-04-21T13:58:00.004-05:00

Today I ate at one of my favorite sub places: Milios. Instead of ordering my regular sub (Godfather on wheat with extra turkey and mayo), I checked out their nutritional information and calculated a turkey & ham sub (this is on the "light" menu at Subway -- I've gotten it twice before). True, in the past I always preferred the Italian version of any sub, and would always have extra sub sauce, or would come home and put olive oil and vinegar on it to make it my own. But, I'm working on changes right?

So I got my turkey sub, hold the mayo (I planned on putting my own on at home so I can use my light mayo, but also so I can know exactly how much is going on it). I added banana peppers, Italian seasoning and my Newman's Own Light Balsamic Vinaigrette, too. I ended up with a very tasty sub, at about 1/2 the calories of what my standard normal would have been. Here's the comparison:

Old sub: 1315

New sub: 573

Quite a difference, eh? It is an 8" sub, and I can eat about 2/3 of it, saving the rest for a quick snack later.

That's still a lot of calories, but I feel good about making a better choice. Again, concentrating on slow(er) weight loss, aiming for solid changes that are going to get me where I need to be in a way that I'm able to reasonably stick with in maintenance (which is a whole 'nother beast in itself).

I also worked out this morning, and then spent 45 additional minutes exerting energy scrubbing the bathroom down.

Weigh In: 281

2010-04-20T08:40:00.004-05:00

I lost 2 more pounds. I hesitate to say it because I never feel like it is real. I feel like I've been totally naughty and someday I'm going to step on the scale and will see this:

SUCKAH!!!

I don't really know why that is. I still hope to make that goal of 279 by July, and it is looking good so far. Today when I plugged my weight in at Sparkpeople it told me I should adjust my caloric intake a bit. I have to admit, one of the sheer pleasures of being obese is that you are allowed to consume a LOT of calories to keep your lively shape. Right now there are days where I feel like I can't possibly eat all my calories, and days where I feel like I could open my mouth and funnel the entire kitchen right into it.

Calories In A Chinese Buffet

2010-04-18T23:03:00.004-05:00

I really don't know how to count how many calories are in a Chinese buffet. I'm counting it as 1200. All I do know they seriously are NOT worth it. My kids like to go there, and I'm not going to be a sourpuss that goes to the buffet and eats nothing.

But seriously? I think everything is doused in movie theatre butter and canola oil, laid under the hot sun for 45 minutes, shelved for 8 hours, then reheated in a wok, let out to cool enough to put a skin on the top, and put out for grazing. Poopy pants at table one?

Just not that into the buffet anymore. Sorry. I used to like it, even though it was like a Valium to me, putting me to sleep about 1/2 hour after eating it. But now, it's just straight up gastro-torture.

I have to say, I did better today. Sampled, but gorged on nothing. Skipped dessert, and my favorite -- peanut butter chicken (which, I think is rolled in sugar first, fried, dipped in sugar, peanut buttered, thrown in more sugar, doused with high-fructose peanut butter glaze, and put out to offer).

'Skipped the sugared doughnut and ice cream (another favorite). It's improvement. Totally not eating would be unrealistic (even though I literally feel like I drank a cup of movie theatre butter). So I ate, was conscious of what I put in my mouth, and there it is. I'm not going to dwell on it much more. But I am going to wash it down with a couple glasses of wine so I can forget about the nagging urge to puke. Never said I was normal.

Turnstile Tourture And Overcoming The Fear

2010-04-16T12:21:00.007-05:00

Like a moth to a flame. That's the only way I could describe it.

St. Louis, 2010. The Gateway Arch. My fear of heights, swirling in my belly, telling my bladder that a bathroom might want to be close. The desire to conquer my fears, trumping it all.

I don't know how I did it, having a palatable fear of both heights, small spaces, and a periphery distaste for crowds. A trip to the top of the Gateway Arch involves all three. I was with my child and his friend, both teenagers, both able to sense my discomfort, but unaware of the extent I was truly battling.

See, fear has driven many of the decisions I've made in the past 10 years or so of my life. Anxiety over the unknown, of the possible, and of the absurd. All equal, all giving reasons for me not doing this, or avoiding that. Embodiment of who I am, who I've become.

It is exhausting.

I haven't taken my kids to amusement parks because of the fear of not being able to fit on rides. I would have gone, long ago. But I know better. Not... that I couldn't take them and sit, watch. We do that at our local fairs, the kids go on rides and we watch them ride. But the big-daddy parks that are few hours away? No.

Surely there's more I've avoided, but if you're fat--and maybe if you're not-- you get it.

So, the day I ventured to the Arch was a day purely inspired, because it didn't come naturally.

I realized it might be my only chance, and made my move. We arrived, we walked up the stairs, past the metal detectors, and I steamed ahead, without asking many questions. OK. I lied. I went up to the lady in the Information booth and said:

So. About 4 minutes to the top, huh? And you sit in what? I mean... how many people can sit together? And what about a big girl? Could a large momma fit? Yes, me, I'm the big girl. Really? You think so? No problem, eh? Mmmkay. Oh? That's a replica over there? OK I'll check it out.

I quickly scuttled over to a small, globe-like cage; the simulator. It looked like a full circle version of those globe chairs? But it seats five. I climbed in it taking the corner seat. My neck had to bend down, the ceiling too short for me to sit straight. Wave of claustrophobia.

I bought our tickets before I could back out. I figured if she sold me the tickets, I must not be too big. Right?

We waited in line and I scanned the crowd for people with girth comparable or larger than my own. Radar tuned; state of perspicaciousness. Zeroing in on any and every fatty that walked past us having already survived the experience.

As we closed in on the front of the line, I noticed a fat persons bane of existence: a turnstile. I looked to the workers as they shuffled around, commanding the people in line, asking how many riders and handing us our car number. I locked in on their eyes for any signal of distress -- any hint that they may be questioning my ability to fit, to ride, to be caged in with four other passengers. Images of walkie talkies and secret conversations about having a rider to big to fit playing over in the back of my mind.

I prayed. Prayed just a fervently that I would fit through that turnstile as I would live, and not be blown up by terrorists while at the top of the Arch. Both were equally as important, at this point. If I had to be turned away by the Gateway Arch employees for "failure to fit" right in front of my kid and his friend, I would literally throw myself off the top of the Arch anyway (after climbing up the outside of it), so it was a lose-lose situation.

I nearly broke out in a cold sweat. Mouth dry, bladder screaming, I began to grow concerned that the entire line was wondering the same thing I was: Would She Fit? More than likely nobody else cared or even gave it a second thought, because they weren't fat and they had other things to concern themselves with. More than likely it was me, thinking the world revolved around my circumstances, and if I noticed, then surely there was an audience taking note as well.

For ten long minutes, I held in my nervous pee, glancing from turnstile to worker, back to worker (one of whom I engaged in nervous, poodle-like chatter, in hopes that they wouldn't deny me). Between my yippy comments to the worker, my child, the friend, the wall, the carpet, I played over and over in my mind how I would own that turnstile and defy the odds. There was, after all, an escape. Right next to the excruciatingly narrow turnstile that was not made for childbearing women (seriously, it was abnormally narrow -- I had already resigned to the fact that there was no way I'd fit head on and I would need to shimmy through sideways), there were 3 crate-like boxes propped between the turnstile and the wall. Oddly, peculiarly, propped. As if an escape hatch for the rejected fatties to exit through.

I'm sorry, sir. You won't fit, therefore you can not ride. George?! Move the crates - a reject needs to make way for the rest of the riders!!!

A wave of the hand from the supervising Arch worker, a well-crafted, thought out move by this Gordita, and I was through the torture device.

What? I was going to ride?!

I made it!!!

There were 2 more checkpoints to get through, but none as painful as the first. The final stop before riding was to stand, waiting in front of one of 8 doors for your round spaceship to take carry you to the top. But it isn't worth discussing, as I made it, it's over. I rode it to the top, and I made it back down. I conquered a fear that I did not think I could. Literally. I still, looking at pictures, have no clue how in the world I made it through all that, given the anxiety and fears that I have.

Prayer. I prayed a lot.

I am proud of myself. And, more than making it to the top, I learned a lot about me, and I felt like a person again. I didn't have to give something up because of my fatness and my fears.

Saving The Best For Last

2010-04-14T21:48:00.002-05:00

Sometimes it's a good idea to save the best for last. Sometimes... not so good.

If you save the best for last, for instance, the cheesiest part of the lasagna, or the butteriest section of the potatoes on your plate - you've pretty much guaranteed that you'll be eating everything to get to that last, cheesy or buttery bite.

(I dug this up from last year. Timeless.)

Rewarding Myself With Bodywash And Trying To Stay On Point

2010-04-14T10:52:00.004-05:00

Today I got up, sat on the couch, checked email, decided I:

1. Was awake enough

2. Had procrastinated enough

and I busted out my recently purchased My Fitness Coach for Wii and took it for a second spin. Verdict is still out on it, but initial reaction is quite sour. But that's not the whole point of what I'm talking about today, and I'm trying to do a little better with staying on point.

Not working so well in the first few minutes here.

Ah well. So anyway, I was up, exercised and ready for my day, which is not normal. And I'm not saying it's going to BE normal. I'm just saying I did it today. Living in the moment... Then, I had my breakfast, and hopped in the shower. Slightly excited to hop in the shower, because I had a new body wash. Nothing fancy, just a Softsoap creamy something that's supposed to moisturize. It was $3 at Wal-mart.

And then I realized how, in the past few weeks of counting calories and a bit of self-denial, I had made a subtle switch. I said "subtle" honey, not groundbreaking; keep that in mind. But I realized that for $3 measly dollars, I totally brightened up my morning, and rewarded myself for a workout well done. It wasn't a food reward (which is my normal way of doing things), it didn't cost me calories, or make me feel guilty later.

See, I often tell myself that my food rewards are somewhat "passable" because, well, ya have to eat, right? So going out to dinner is a necessary evil -- why not enjoy it? Right? Weak, I know. But that led to my fat self weighing in at linebacker stats. And it isn't cheap either.

But... a woman's also gotta shower. So why not enjoy that? I'm not saying that I need to go spend oodles of dollars on body washes, scrubs and such, but responsible spending on little non-food items that make me happy aren't hurtful.

After my shower I lotioned up with some new Jergen's Natural lotion, and felt pampered and happy.

And then I pondered on the patience that weight loss requires and how I really wasn't blessed in that department. But we can talk about that later, because I'm trying to stay on point today.

Scared to Lose?

2010-04-13T08:18:00.003-05:00

283

That's the number on the scale as of yesterday. I thought that's what it was last time I weighed in but apparently not. There was a little fluctuation between weigh-ins, and the mind gets foggy.

But here's the thing between me and you: I'm scared.

I don't know. When I plugged in my weight here, and changed my numbers, my tummy did a little flippyflopping. I'm pretty sure that's not normal, pretty sure I'm a freak. Most people are happy to lose weight. Goodbye fat!!! see ya later!!!!! -- But not me. I mean, I'm happy. I like to see that my sacrifices and changes are working, but I'm kind of scared to change.

I've been fat for so long. Not that I'm worried about not being fat, 'cause as I've said before -- I'll always be a "big girl" by society's standards. My goal isn't 150, or 125, it's like, 175 and that's not "skinny" in most eyes.

It's a commitment, it's a change. I'm accustomed to stuffing my face wherever I go. I'm accustomed to being fat, having a fat buffer.

It's like losing your hair, even if you hate your hair.

I can't put a finger on it. I'm trying to. Give it time. Maybe it is the commitment. If I lose this, I need to continue to work on keeping it off. Like getting a new job. If I take this new job, I can't just quit whenever I want to. I have to continue to work.

In the end, I'm not complaining. I'm interested in the changes I see in my body. They aren't wildly different. Not yet. Little things, though. Like, riding in the car and being able to rest my forearms on my legs. Normally they'd fall on my big pillow tummy, obstructing them from falling to my lap. My shirts all feel loose in the shoulders. Basically I keep my spare tire midsection, and lose my narrow shoulders and breasts. Sexy, I know. My legs, when I'm standing I can cross them farther and easier than 20 pounds ago (which is where my body adjusted recently).

You know what, though? I can't believe I'm 5 pounds away from being the lowest I have in YEARS. It is exciting and frightening at the same time.

I Lost 5 Pounds, And I Think I Like It

2010-03-31T12:01:00.003-05:00

Well, the Wii Fit says 5, but it's really 4 since my last weigh in.

I said I "think" I like it because I have a hard time mentally with this kind of stuff. Like, I have 2 scales, so I needed to make 1 official. I chose the Wii Fit because it seems to be more accurate than the shipping scale that needs new batteries. (My shipping scale is about the same, by 2 pounds) But I get weird. Like, I see the scale says I lost weight, but then I worry. I don't want to commit to it, because what if it's wrong, or what if something else..?

It's ridiculous.

I'm weird, and I know this.

So I'm happy on one hand, but then other the other I'm waiting for the shoe to drop, the motivation to leave, the plateau to lock in.

I'm 10 pounds down from when I first started really keeping track. I don't feel much different. My body felt different at the 279, I remember that. I have clothes from that point (the shirts were smaller). But right now I'm still feeling like I fit in my fatty clothes. My belly is a big issue. I haven't been toning or anything, or doing many situps, but my husband says that's my next step. Until I hit 279, I won't believe really that I can "do it." 6 more pounds to go. For some reason I need to hit that mark, as my brain is telling me I've achieved nothing until I do.

If I stay the course, I can do that by May. God willing.

Oh How I Wanted A Nutella On Toast

2010-03-24T22:03:00.004-05:00

Today has been a frustrating day. I was frustrated at the daily stress of managing a household, working, and simply struggling to get through the day. I'll spare all of the particulars, but bottom line was, at the end of the day, all I wanted was a Nutella on toast.

After running here, running there, disappointments and frustrations, I got the kids in bed and sat down to eat my pre-packaged, less-than-300-calorie meal. I counted up my leftover calories, and figure I have more than enough for a nice piece of wheat bread, toasted warm and slathered with the creamy, nutty, chocolately sweet goodness that is Nutella.

The more I wanted it, the more I became frustrated with myself. I wanted, needed and DESERVED to treat myself, didn't I? I could almost taste it.

I opened the fridge and thought a beer sounded dandy, too.

I admitted to myself that I was not hungry and I was totally in the midst of an emotionally-charged eating crisis. And I felt like punching myself in the face, disgusted.

I brushed my teeth.

I connected with God.

And I avoided a Nutella on Toast today.

Mochachochafattywattylatte

2010-03-22T10:57:00.005-05:00

Something interesting to note.

A coworker was telling me about a friend of hers who stopped drinking all liquids besides water for Lent. No coffee, soda, beer, wine, juice. Just water. And guess what?

She loses weight. 10 pounds so far.

Don't worry, I'll try not to get hysterical. So as my coworker is telling me this I'm thinking in my head how I've been counting calories and exercising, refocusing, being thoughtful... and have lost, well. Less than TEN POUNDS. My eye started twitching a bit, and my smile felt like a tight rubber band, ready to snap. My throat began forming words that had no way of coming out kind.

I continued to hold my grimace, "oooh-aaahed" at the fact that this person had simply given up drinking water, and WOW!? - then blurted something about how I could not believe that people are so ignorant to consume half of their daily caloric intake in liquids and totally NOT REALIZE IT. And then I remembered that, I may be fat on the outside, but I'm probably about as nutty as a food-conscious anorexic on the inside.

I'm not a "oops, I drank 1000 calories of Mountain Dew a day" fatty. I'm an "emotional-eater, obsess-about-food, body-likes-me-plump" fatty. I actually eat healthy. Healthier than anyone else I know (and I'm bigger than them). My body/brain likes to be fat, and works to keep me there. I don't sit on the kitchen floor with 5 chickens, a liter of soda and a tray of Oreos, eat it in 5 minutes, and then cry about it.

I don't really know why I'm saying this all, besides the fact that I'm on my period and sometimes I lose my grace a bit. But come on, now.

I get the part that she said that certain things don't taste the same when you're drinking water, so you're less prone to eat them. So instead of having a soda and pizza, she'd drink water and eat less pizza. Instead of a tea at night, she'd drink water and go for a walk. I'll give her credit for that. And I'll slap her upside the head for not realizing that drinking a mochachochafattywattylatte three times daily can probably keep you in your fat pants. Duh.

Better in BETA, and Over-using "Airquotes"

2010-03-21T22:47:00.005-05:00

Sunday is my "free" day. I don't know why I say that, because I'm not really on any "program" or anything. I've just mentally put myself in this weird "BETA" mode of fitness and health. Like I said, it all started with Lent. And Sunday is a day where that you can break your "fast" if you choose. Interestingly enough I haven't really went on a "binger" (I'm totally just over-using the whole "quote" thing now I hope you know - imagine "airquotes").

I didn't "officially" start my fast at the onset of Lent, and I really don't like/want to discuss it too much because it is personal. But since we're friends, I'll share a little bits regarding my fast from bakery items/sweets/desserts. It started out rough, but is now very easy. My cravings are way down, but the habit remains (example: St. Patrick's Day dinner, being handed a cupcake, and accepting it out of habit... or automatically eyeing up the bakery items when I'm buying a coffee).

Last Sunday I had ice cream; this Sunday I did the same. It was nice, but a lot. I'm just not accustomed to all the sugar. I felt doped-up after eating it. But enjoyed it. Wasted a lot of calories on it, but whatever.

So, what I'm actually getting at is that today I took the kids to a movie. Got popcorn. I didn't completely deny myself because I wasn't sure that would be the best bet. But I got a little junior-sized portion with no butter and extra salt. It was a far, far cry from my regular butter-soaked bucket that I normally eat. Normally I'd have eaten more popcorn than I did today and would have tripled the calories with extra butter on top. So, hey. Go me.

I went for a walk, too. And later (gosh, what a day of JUNK) we ordered pizza, and I didn't eat it right away out of "habit" but instead waited until I had the kids in bed, and then grabbed 1 piece (rather than 3), ate it, and was done with it. No beer (even though I could have - I instead decided to just drink water) Followed it up with a grapefruit topped off with some Sun Crystals, and called it a day. It was not a stellar day, but it is a slow continuum of a more thoughtful, intentional way of nourishing my body. I journalled every bite.

Step In The Right Direction

2010-03-18T08:31:00.003-05:00

I did OK last night.

Wha-Whaaat?! Raise the roof, raise the roof.

I stayed within my caloric limit last night. I'm not sure how. Convinced that the calculations are wrong... I'm not saying I ate the best foods, or that the 3 Guinness beers aren't going to congregate amongst my mid-section and hang out a little longer than another calorie-comparable food. But that's OK. I went for a long, long walk, which should counteract the nibbles I had with my last beer, and should have increased my metabolism for a while.

I actually thought more about what I put in my mouth, and that's a step in the right direction.

I don't know how some times in my life it seems to fit so good to be more thoughtful on my eating and fitness, and then other times I just flat out don't care.

I don't know, but, by the grace of God, I am grateful for the reprieve of being a slave to food. It is exhausting.

Soda Drinkers

2010-03-17T08:29:00.003-05:00

Excuse me while I rant a bit.

You know what ruffles my feathers? Is when I hear someone say, " I lost 40 pounds and, you know, I really haven't have to modify my diet very much yet. Basically, I just stopped drinking soda and the weight melted right off."

That's some crazy stuff. That's not a "weight issue" that's seriously an educational issue. If you're drinking so much sugared soda that your body packs on over 40-pounds of weight? I mean, more power to ya - it's a simple change that makes a BIG impact. I wish my problems were that easy. I can't even tell you the last time I drank a full-on, sugared soda. My mom had my pudgy butt sucking down the first sugar-free sodas that made your feet turn to flippers from the corrosive chemicals they contained. That's not even on my radar anymore. It's not an option.

Don't hate the player, hate the game. I know, I know. I'm not hating on you soda drinkers that are shown the light. OK, maybe a teeny bit.

- - -

On another note, I'm still in the semi-obsessive start-zone of getting my fitness back on track, so I'm finding myself on the scale more than I normally do. I will note that my Wii Fit (which I use, along with my shipping scale) weighed me in at 289.something. Which would mean I've lost 2 pounds (question mark, question mark, exclamation point). I'm aware that weight fluctuates throughout the day. But I'm pretty positive that I will make and pass that weight, so I'm trying not to worry about it (by "worry" I mean, lend myself to being concerned that come next weigh-in it will have all been a fluctuating lie and I will weigh 300 pounds again).

At any rate, Happy St. Patty's Day.

Processed Food Diet

2010-03-16T21:00:00.003-05:00

Little rice cakes, lean Hot Pockets, breakfast shakes, 100-calorie popcorn...

And a Guinness beer. For the 2nd night in a row. If that's wrong, I just don't wanna be right. OK, maybe I do, but I'm having a hard time of it. Guinness gives me the most pack for the least punch, and I would like a beer every now and then. I'm worried, though, that even if I stay within my caloric intake, the beer is going to stagnate my weight loss. Has happened before.

I did take two (count 'em) two walks. And now I will go eat a salad to get my greens on.

I love that there's these low-calorie options out there, but I also feel like I'm eating the word "processed" with a capitol P. It might be what I need right now to keep things simple, and to stay on track. But my longer term goal would be to eat simpler (read: less-processed) foods, in moderation that still allows for a healthier way of being.

For the record: I did not buy the pre-packaged 100-calorie snacks. I bought the BIG bag and divided them up into the portions myself. I mean, come on now. Why am I going to pay all that just to have it in those little packages (if I don't have to)?

Two Blogs in One Day

2010-03-15T21:40:00.002-05:00

I'm hungry. Has been the case the past week. The only day I didn't feel pangs of hunger was the day I went and ate out and gorged (well, not "off-the-wagon" kind of gorge, though). I look at the food I've eaten and it seems like a decent amount. I could just tuck it in and not eat, bank up the calories.

But I don't think I'm there yet.

I worry if I get too severe on myself I will suddenly detach my jaw like a python and swallow the kitchen in one fell swoop. And then move on to take-out.

So I think I'll have a bowl of cereal or something. Stay within my limits, but use every calorie I'm allotted (which right now is 2300, give or take a little bit).

Weighing Everything, Including Myself

2010-03-15T08:32:00.004-05:00

I don't trust the scale. I weigh in on 2 different scales. Maybe it is a mind game I play with myself, or maybe it is because one of my scales is too inconsistent for me. So the scale I've been weighing in on for months says I'm down to 291. I like it... but it makes me nervous. Because the other scale reads in 2 pounds heavier. I have to get over it and just use one and forget the other.

Get over it. Get over it. I digress and obsess, though. But need to remind myself that I'm looking at a way too narrow picture. Pound-by-pound weight loss is such a narrow view. When I get hung up on it I begin to sabotage myself.

So instead I'll focus on the BIGGER picture: last week I journaled every food that went into my mouth. Monday through Friday I stayed within my limits, Saturday I broke even and Sunday I went over. But I didn't lie to myself about what I was eating and I was much more thoughtful on what I put into my mouth, why and when.

It wasn't easy, either. There were times when I'd be disappointed with having to see how many calories I had left. But I need to know these things. I've tracked points and carbs before, which was helpful. But tracking calories along with that paints a different picture. It's harder than carbs and points, I think, but it gives a broader scope.

So I'm going to continue tracking this week as well. It is going to be a challenge because I have 3 social-eating events coming up (St. Patty's Day, Book Club, and a night out with friends on Saturday). I'll want to have wine, I'll want to have snacks... and I'll have to remember everything I put in my mouth. I'm hoping that being really good on the other days, diligently getting out for a walk, etc. will enable me to still lose weight, or at least maintain. I'm going to try not to sweat it too much, but I'm also going to try to remind myself to be thoughtful of my eating.

Another "lesson" I'm learning - WEIGH EVERYTHING. I had some Annie Chun's yesterday--yummy, easy Asian meals-- and eyeballed the allotted 1/3 of a box (the serving size). I think I even low-balled it, really, since I made 2 boxes and fed 4 of us last night, but still have at least an entire box left. So this morning I went to have some of the leftovers for lunch but this time I decided to weigh out the actual 77g of noodles.

What a difference weighing makes.

The 77g of noodles in my bowl was nearly nothing. By weighing the amount, I realized that I would really like/need 1.5 servings. I'll have to track that as such. I know this is no new news to most people, and not even myself. It was a good reminder.

Have a great day!!!

Hello, Old Friend

2010-03-12T14:39:00.002-06:00

I know. It has been a while. Funny the world. Sadly, I have not done much blogging, not here anyway. Well, not anywhere, actually.

Fantastically, I'm right where I need to be. I've not fallen off the wagon (though I've come close). I'm not walking every day. I'll admit that. But I am still doing my daily Bible readings. So, hey. I'm here.

Lent brought on some introspection for me, as I focused on my eating and the lack of discipline I have in that area. The thoughtfulness turned me to SparkPeople, and I've been tracking my food diligently for the past few days. Denying myself abandon with something I lso dearly love and rely on is not easy. But it was good (and necessary) for me to do.

First it was just desserts. Not all sweets, just simply bakery items (cookies, cakes, bars) -- the "extra" lovies I pick up when I go for coffee or eat out. Finishing with a sweet, buttery, salty, fatty (something) is habit to a fault. I will supplement my diet simply to eat a sweet. Like, I'll want a morning bun so I'll scramble some eggs to eat with it to lower the glycemic blow. What?! Yes. Seriously.

So then that rolled into tracking my food intake, which I felt inspired to do one day - not for any reason. It hasn't been long (only 5 days), but it is an excellent way to take a snapshot of my eating behaviors, making me more conscious of what I'm doing. I like it better than paper journaling at this point because I can track so much more (calories, fats) without much work. I'm not saying it's forever, but I am saying it's for now.

I lost a pound or two. Last I remember was hovering at 295, staggering towards 300 at times, but maintaining a pretty steady 295. I weighed in on my Wii the other day and was 293. How badly I want to get down below 290 right now. How badly I want to be able to fit the clothes I wore 2 (3?) summers ago (and looked so cute in). It was only 10 pounds away. I can get there, 10 pounds. If I really tried maybe I could get there in a month?

Day by day by day. When I think it it seems so easy. But when I do it, minute by minute - it is really hard. And weight doesn't come off so easily right now. But anyway. I was just checking in. With myself, probably, 'cause there's a lot of fat people dropping like flies.

Day 122

2009-12-01T22:29:00.003-06:00

Today is day 122 of my daily walking.

I'm still doing it. I may have missed a walk or two, but I haven't missed a daily Bible reading, and honestly, that's just more important.

I haven't lost any weight. But that's OK. Actually I think I gained a few and re-lost them. So I guess I'm back at One. Again.

I'm doing OK. Not bad, not good. The same. I got a Wii Fit, which is fun.

365 Days of Exercize... I think today is day 33

2009-09-02T18:08:00.003-05:00

Who knows what day I'm on. If I weren't so bloody lazy, I'd figure it out. But I think it is 33, and though I've contemplated quitting, I haven't been able to muster up the will to do so.

Not quitting reading. I'm determined to read the Bible through. But walking. Every day. Some days this week, out of fatigue and sheer lack of time, I walked in place for 5 minutes, and then later did the same. It wasn't even about the act of walking, it was about obedience, and doing it, regardless. And obidience, I have to say, sometimes SUCKS.

I'm finding that this has more to do with me and God than me and my fat behind. As I go through some of the most trying times of my life, I find myself leaning on the rock that is Jesus, depsite myself.

But I'm not a wussy. As much as I'd love to say that I am, surrender, and dive into a vat of liquor and high-fat-content food and not come out. I'm more defiant than that. Satan can't suck me down without a fight. I do believe the struggles of this world are not against flesh and blood but against the powers and spiritual wickedness of the world.

365 Days of Exercise - Days 17-23

2009-08-24T10:37:00.004-05:00

I knew I should have popped in here and logged my walks. Happy to say, though, that I have kept up. Even though I've been on vacation, I got in my daily walks, for the most part 20 minute ones. I think I only used up 1 10min walk during my blogging-absence. One night, after cocktails and munchies with friends, at 12am, I still fit in my walk. At my son's sports game - while I waited, I walked.

It is starting to be ingrained into my brain. Twenty-four days in, I would hope so.

I've also kept up on my daily Bible readings. It is a day-by day effort and right now I'm just trying to manage the bare minimums. Walking, reading.

I haven't thrown in anything about my eating. It has not been on task, either. In fact, in weighing myself today I hit over 300. No big surprise, since my pants all feel tight and I feel like a bloated calf. It is a little disturbing to me, though. Increasing my movement, while eating in the same manner as normal, actually made me GAIN WEIGHT.

It makes no sense.

I'm quite accustomed to my body making absolutely no sense at all. Seriously, I am. According to the doctor, I quite possibly also have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome--or not. Maybe I'm just a chunky-butt who has a hard time losing weight, and in aging has even a harder time?

Either way, I'm almost at the end of August and I really don't intend on finishing it out fatter than I started, while walking my butt off EVERY FREAKING DAY OF THE MONTH. If you can hear my frustration, it is because it is tangible.

Sometimes I feel like someone has a boot on my back, while I'm lying face-down in the dirt.

365 Days of Exercise - Day 16

2009-08-16T11:59:00.000-05:00

11 minutes, walking in place
10 (or more) minutes of vicious weed-pulling gardening (intentional)

__________

Today my readings talked about the sovereignty of God, saying to reflect on the times in life when it felt like God had lost control, and to instead insert that God was completely in control and was there.

365 Days of Exercise - Day 15

2009-08-16T11:02:00.005-05:00

Had to force my walk today.

It is amazing how much you can fall into a routine, when you do it daily. The majority of this month I've walked with my husband, my walking partner. After our late family dinners, we'd set off for a 9:00 or even 10:00 walk (sometimes later), in the dark, along quiet streets. We'd talk.

Digression, here, but generally I won't exercise at night; it keeps me up. However, our walks don't keep me up too terribly, but what they seem to do is curtail my indigestion.

With the husband working more hours, he has not been home lately for the nightly walks, which throws me off, even if it has been a routine only as of late.

With the heat, I don't enjoy or partake in a hot, steamy mid-day walk under the sun. And with the affliction of not being a morning person, I'm not an early-rising exerciser, either. I suppose I could haul over to the gym, seeing as I am paying for a membership and all, but time has not really permitted that either.

So last night, I really felt I needed to actually walk my 20 minutes and not resort to a 10 minute one. I waited until after 8pm, when the sun was going down, the bugs were vicious. And I set off on our path. With my husband on the phone. Which was actually nice. We were still able to "talk and walk" together, some of the way. I kept a good, healthy clip and felt better about getting out and pounding the pavement.

I don't think I will have lost any weight this week, however, but this first month I'm really just concentrating on the motion/movement/discipline part of intentional body-movement each and every day. Slow and steady.

365 Days of Exercise - Day 14

2009-08-14T10:58:00.000-05:00

Today was a 10 minute day, walking in place. Busy (busy) day between work, shopping, meeting, finding out we were having a sleepover (surprise!!!), having to take young boys grocery shopping with me, feeding them pizza, keeping my sanity. You know, one of THOSE days. So, at the end of the day, I read and walked in place. At least I remembered.

365 Days of Exercise - Day 13

2009-08-13T22:55:00.000-05:00

Today we went on a family trip and did a TON of walking. It was window-shopping kind of walking, but a lot of it nonetheless. Enough that I think I can consider it my walk for the day.

We had a good time, but I ate more calories than I exerted for sure. Regardless, I kept my path.

365 Days of Exercise - Day 12

2009-08-12T10:51:00.000-05:00

It is actually the 16th, but I'm going back to journal the past few days. I shouldn't do that, because the mind is now blurry. Though I know I've held up with my daily walk/exercise, I can't remember what I did on Wednesday.

I think it was my regular 20 min. walk.

365 Days of Exercise - Day 11

2009-08-11T23:06:00.002-05:00

Is it really Day 11 right now?!! Wow. I guess so.

Today I took the kids to their sports practice and while I was there I walked between the fields, back and forth. Just one 5-minute jaunt had me roasting and my back was dripping with sweat.

You don't know how BAD I wanted to count that as my 10min. of exercise and call it a day. Like, really, SO bad.

Tonight around 9pm, though, I took myself out, figuring I'd do half the route I normally walk, which would take me 10minutes and then I could add the 10 from earlier and the 10 from my half-walk and I'd have 20. Are you following me?

Miracles happen, and not only did I walk my 10 half-walk, but my husband joined me and we were so deep into conversation that we finished the 20 as well. So, I did about 30 minutes (more, really!!!) today. Go me. Reach for the stars, baby.

365 Days of Exercise - Day 10

2009-08-10T22:28:00.002-05:00

I went. For a walk. No, I did not want to. It is hot, humid, grouse. It was very hard to pull myself out of the air conditioning and hit the pavement, knowing I'd sweat up my clothes.

I took my son with me and we walked, at quite a clip. I just wanted to get done. I enjoyed the time with him, though, and appreciate he came with me.

As we went in through the garage I felt a whoosh of cool air hit my ankles, thighs, chest, neck and face. It felt. So. Good.

I was glad I did it. Twenty minutes, not much of a sacrifice, really. And though it isn't always convenient, today I was able to do it. Praise God.

365 Days of Exercise - Day 9

2009-08-09T11:23:00.001-05:00

Walked in place for 10 minutes.

Upped my business factor around the house to compensate.

365 Days of Exercixe - Day 8

2009-08-08T23:47:00.003-05:00

Ocho dia. Vamos caminar. Veinte minutos.
_____

It was too hot for any sane-minded person to want to be in the outdoors, but there sure were plenty regardless. I went for a walk with Papi, same route we usually take. We didn't see our acquaintances, the Jogging Man and Walking Wife. In fact, we saw no one. Possibly because we were walking at 10:30pm on a warm, muggy night; humidity so thick it was like walking through mist.

365 Days of Exercise - Day 7

2009-08-07T11:37:00.002-05:00

Long day, forgot to exercise -- until 2am. (I'm post-publishing for my day 7, you might notice me doing that).

Realizing my error, I grabbed my book and walked in place for 12 minutes. Worked for me.

Made it to my first goal: 1 week of obedience and discipline in my 365 day walk. I did it.

365 Days of Exercise - Day 6

2009-08-06T17:39:00.002-05:00

Walked. 20 minutes. Nothing fabulous or spectacular. Doing the deed.

But, an "acquaintance" couple of ours has been out walking as well. Wife and husband. The husband runs laps, and she walks. He runs around and around the block, making sure she doesn't get attacked, mugged, whatever. And my husband and I walk together while I mostly complain and he (bless his heart) listens. I don't complain about walking. I complain more about everything else. I'm stressed, I'm mad, I'm frustrated, I'm confused, I'm scared. Same crap he's heard a million times. It's amazing he hasn't decided to just walk and continue walking and not look back. Or push me off the curb.

_______

It's a rainy day out today, so I'm not sure how this whole walking thing is going to go. I suppose I could go to the gym, but we both know THAT will not happen.

_______

I've been stressing about a situation that could be good, or could turn sour. A... business adventure, have you. I could stand to take on a substantial amount of new clients from another business that is retiring; closing. These clients are, right now, using my services in anticipation of "another business" closing, however, they are still hoping that someone from the "another business" starts up and they are able to (why can't I think of the word you use when you... not solicit, no... you use their service -- tip of my brain, can't think, uh... patronize!!?) patronize this ex-employee's business.

Well. I'm hoping these clients stick around and continue to use my services. And I've been milling over what I can do to keep them as clients.

So I'm reading Day 7 in my daily walk book and it is talking about God's promise to Abram, and how God told him that he and Sarai would have a kid. Since it doesn't happen, like yesterday, Abram just HAS to (listen to his silly wife's idea) take matters into his own hands and goes and gets a servant girl pregnant, which didn't really go over to well in the Abram house, even though it was Sarai's lovely idea in the first place. Women.

Anyway, somewhere in reading this, I'm thinking that my hair brained ideas (not unlike Sarai and hers) for keeping clients are probably not the best ones. Some of the ideas that have crossed my mind aren't really in line with the integrity intended when I founded my business. And though I'm heavily tempted to grovel, gossip, or use other means to drum up my own business to maintain this clientele, God might just be telling me to BE PATIENT. Continue doing what I'm doing by providing my service, upholding the values in which it was founded, and see where simple and transparent honesty, kindness and a clean way of doing business leads. NOT having to feel that constant control, and if I can just do this, this AND this, things will work out peachy, and darn it if I'm not doing it my way and doing it now!!!

This sort of control goes strictly against the grain of my earthy body. But that's the point.

365 Days of Exercise Day 5

2009-08-05T08:56:00.001-05:00

Walk. About 20 or so minutes, with hills.

365 Days of Exercise Day 4

2009-08-04T22:47:00.003-05:00

Whelp. I did it. Day 4. Contemplated cashing in on a 10min. quickie, but did the whole thing.

20 min. walk, including a hill

How are you doing? Is there anyone out there anymore? I need some links to blogs that are actually updated.

365 Days of Exercize - Day 3

2009-08-03T22:04:00.003-05:00

20 minute walk

Nothing fancy, same mindless route I always take when I'm down to doing business. I SO wanted to cash in on one of my 10min. sessions, but didn't. It was SUPER humid, SUPER hot, SUPER grouse. I should NOT have been sweating, but I was and profusely. I felt like I was wearing full-body armor in the sweltering desert.

But I survived.

My Worst Enemy

2009-08-03T19:08:00.005-05:00

I now am on Twitter. Who isn't? We'll see if I use it.

_____

Also, I'm feeling the least motivated I have in a long time. I'm also feeling very, largely fat. And sluggish. I'm not sure what to attribute that to. Could be my period. Could just be the resolution that I am going to spiral into a 500 pound mass of skin and fat that never leaves the house unless aided by a scooter.

What happened? What is happening to me? I'm sure people look at me and see a loss of self-control, probably something dirty. I see people looking at my flabby flop of a belly, too, more than I used to now that it is hanging down like dirty laundry. I hate it. I don't like my body. I can't stand it, sometimes, feeling trapped - claustrophobic - in my pounds of fat.

But, coupled with that, I'm also feeling resigned and scared. I think I'm scared to lose weight, lose what I've become and who I am. Talk about being a bipolar mess -

Oh.

Hmm. OK.

Lightbulb moment. Yeah sure, I'm a bipolar mess, but I think I know where my balls went. They cozied up to a dastardly beast called STRESS.

I can pretty much peg my descend into having a belly that droops like baby in a sling, and a weight-gain of 20 pounds - it happened this past year. The most STRESSFUL time I've had in my entire life. Like being attacked from all sides, to the point where I think I'm lucky I only abuse alcohol instead of consider it my life-blood.

Yeah, stress. I should be incapacitated by booze or my own girth, at this point, but since I gained 20 pounds and am pressing buttons on my wardrobe, I trip it up in my mind that I have failed and that I'm one cracker away from a scooter and a nurse cleaning between my folds.

Wow. What a wussy I am, sometimes. Seriously. Instead of focusing on what I've held together, I let the light shine on how I've fallen apart.

As cliche as it is, I'm my own worst enemy. My mind and the tricks I let it play.

Ephesians 6:12

12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

I need to armor-up more, and not be defeated so easily.

365 Days of Exercize - Day 2

2009-08-02T22:17:00.003-05:00

Ooops!!

I did it again.

And better than Brittany, though, since I didn't lose my dignity.

Went for a walk today, about 20 minutes, moderate walk. Not a "workout" but a heart-health pace.

I didn't really go over my "condition" (I like quotations, don't you? - These are all airquotes, too, for fun.) of this experiment, but bare minimum I need to do 10min. of exercise a day. And I'll only give myself a 10min. workout pass twice a week. That should do me for days where things are crazy busy or I don't feel like it. Unless I'm puking up my toenails, I should be able to manage 10min. of intentional movement.

Shouldn't we all?

By the way, before my walk I was literally (LITERALLY) half-asleep. My brain had already started to fizz out, checking out, really. My body wanted to crawl under some cool covers and say "nigh-nigh" - but I didn't let it, and I made it through Day 2. Raise the roof.

365 Days of Exercize - Day 1

2009-08-01T15:36:00.003-05:00

Yes. This is what I've turned into. Challenging myself to 365 days of exercise. Walking, biking, treadmill, stationary bike - whatever. But managing to do it daily, every day, for one year.

Starting August 1, 2009.

In addition and accompaniment, I will also be reading through the Bible using The Daily Walk Bible(KJV)

.

This isn't just vanity, or health. For me it is a discipline, something, at this point in my life, I feel like I am very much lacking.

So I suppose that means that I'm going to have to check in here every day and post. Which is fine, because I really don't have a huge gathering of folks checking me out anyway. But it will be good to hold myself accountable.

I hope that a conscious effort to move will encourage my body to shed some pounds. But I'm not sure it will. I also hope that my conscious effort to move with make me more accountable, and will be a good reminder to myself to be faithful and have discipline, something I lack. I hope that I learn a bit about myself as I use a small walk, ride, movement of my body to focus on centering myself.

We will see.

Week 3

2009-06-08T12:26:00.003-05:00

Weight: 293
Change: -2 pounds

Why'd that happen? I'm not exactly sure. I do think that my complete lack of control is toned down a bit. When I was eating well I was able to maintain. As I continued to throw all caution to the wind, I gained. And now as I reel myself back in, I'm losing a bit. This is good.

I'd love to see below 290 by the month's end. I definitely believe it is within my control to do so.

I feel like I had a decent week this past week, but didn't really challenge myself too terribly much.

I am...
paying attention to my water intake
being conscious of what I'm feeding myself
trying to move a bit more throughout the day
weighing myself consistently

I am not...
living up to my 3x a week exercise goal
journaling my food intake

Week 2 - 295

2009-06-01T16:43:00.003-05:00

OK. So I made it to 295. Not sure how or why, but I did.

My walking? Eh. Maybe hit 3 days last week.
My Eating? It was... It was OK. I was more conscious of what I ate. I ate less, for sure.

I attribute my nice 4-pounds down to being my time of month, weighing more in the beginning of the week and settling back to a "normal" at this weigh-in. And maybe some more conscious eating. We'll see what happens for next week under those same guides. Frankly, I'm surprised, since I felt like a ravenous garbage disposal for most of the week. At one point I had such an intense desire to chew, I was close to removing my flip-flop and chomping on the plastic. It was just crazy intense. That's how I knew, though, that I was about to get my period. Either I fly off the handle mental-patient style OR I fight weird cravings to chew on non-edible objects.

I Didn't Win, But I Didn't Lose

2009-05-27T22:00:00.003-05:00

Today was not the greatest day, but it certainly was not the worst day so I neither won nor lost.

I did not go for a walk, but that's OK. As long as I never go more than one day in between days where I exercise, I'm alright. I was conscious of my portions (for dinner I ate 1 plate and had a tiny bit more). I had a very small ice cream cone. I was never deprived or STUFFED today.

NOT being stuffed is one of my goals. Satisfied is good. Stuffed is gluttony and not necessary.

Day 1... later

2009-05-26T18:30:00.003-05:00

I'm doing OK. Yesterday I walked. Today I was pretty lazy, but then around 5pm I said, "Girl. You gotta go walk. You promised." I was going to go outside to walk, but then instead grabbed a Walk Away the Pounds video. I thought I grabbed the 1-mile one, but mistakenly did the 2-mile. I could feel myself resisting and complaining within 2 minutes of starting the workout.

But I pressured on. I put my hands on my overgrown, falling down over my thighs tummy and pushed on. Those videos are more intensified than a regular walk. And I can do them barefoot. So there's really no excuse for me not exercising.

My eating hasn't been great, but it hasn't been horrible. Instead of candy or some other delectable sweet I opted for a Kashi bar (after some grueling shopping I was in dire need of nourishment). I had an orange for a snack. I'll have dinner tonight. But most importantly -- I worked out. I got up and made a point of moving my body beyond what I normally would.

Today was a good day. Thumbs up.

Starting Over

2009-05-26T10:06:00.003-05:00

Ooopsie-poopsie.
I deleted everything.

Well, not really. I removed my old posts and tucked them away. Because I need to start over without looking back so much. A quick glance over the shoulder is fine, but I need to move forward, now.

I want you to know that I'm losing weight. And a lot of it. I fear saggy skin, but that's a silly fear, since I sag already. The funbags, the tummy... Better to be saggy and 199 pounds than saggy and 299.

My plan? Sheer determination, smaller portions and more movement. I'm ready.

All-time high: 338.
Current starting weight: 299
Goal weight: 198 (Under 200 is my first MAJOR goal -- after that, we can negotiate)

I'm 35 right now. I don't want to be 300 pounds at 40 years old. I wanted to be under 200 by now, since technically I started this journal back in 2006. I didn't make it. Life's stress got in the way. And really, I got in the way. So I'm starting over and giving myself another 2 years to lose 101 pounds.

If I lost about 1.6 pounds per week I could make goal by the time I'm 37. That would be nice.

I don't have much more in me to post about right now. I've got the main diggs in order. Watch out world.