tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-315083582024-03-13T11:36:23.154-05:00Bonita GorditaFitness For a Fat GirlBonita Gorditahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02211749482909459856noreply@blogger.comBlogger271125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31508358.post-35134015081062662402022-10-17T10:50:00.003-05:002022-10-17T10:50:44.639-05:00I Had Sleeve Surgery! <p> Hello! </p><p><br />My last post was almost 2 years ago and right now I'm about a week out from VSG aka <a href="https://www.endobariatric.com/gastric-sleeve/" target="_blank">Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy</a>. It took me a while to get here, but I'm here.</p><p>Surgery went fine and well after a 2 week liquid diet. I was in the hospital for 1 day and then home. The goal is to have 64 oz. of liquids each day and it took me 5 days to get there (this includes broth, jello, popsicles, protein). I haven't had too much protein because it sits really heavy in my stomach right now. Bone broth and half water half Propel (or other electrolyte drink) has been my go-to so far. And, now I can finish a whole popsicle, as long as I'm not loaded up with water or other before.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiP8tIZ8e7vHXZXChH-W3K65i7B3fXhSRFxhE2H5ZEQ36XSoioX3QJNdwDUdQeE7kwFwiBaDbPnJDLbwy6yjhrtqN0_zFtIvbqaU6G9GUHz5VofZnZ7fka-Rr04pE0JxMXp-eJgA2Bg2tLbXjoWpHGfaJy5-JEwz0vbdF6La9ZQ8tLV7wjikOA/s649/vsg.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="649" data-original-width="649" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiP8tIZ8e7vHXZXChH-W3K65i7B3fXhSRFxhE2H5ZEQ36XSoioX3QJNdwDUdQeE7kwFwiBaDbPnJDLbwy6yjhrtqN0_zFtIvbqaU6G9GUHz5VofZnZ7fka-Rr04pE0JxMXp-eJgA2Bg2tLbXjoWpHGfaJy5-JEwz0vbdF6La9ZQ8tLV7wjikOA/w200-h200/vsg.jpeg" width="200" /></a></div><p></p><p>It's a lot of trial and error and diligence. I made a chart for myself so I can make sure I'm accurately accounting for my movement, my vitamins (there's SO MANY), and my intake.</p><p>I feel pretty decent, getting out most days for either a walk around the neighborhood or around a store. I'm not up to pushing a cart, so I carry my food or whatever I'm looking for. </p><p>I pooped, once. On day 4 I believe -- I had gas on day 1, which is a good sign apparently. My poop was not anything remarkable, more of a small explosion. But it's something. I suspect there will be more. I just want to make sure to document some of this.</p><p>I've been hovering around 289-293 for quite some time. There are some points where I've gotten up to 304 (from my records), but for the most part held in at 289ish. </p><p>Here's a few stats.</p><p>Start of liquid diet: 294</p><p>End of liquid diet: 283 (day of surgery)</p><p>Day after surgery: 285 </p><p>(Almost) 1 week later: 276</p><p>So, since starting the liquid diet I'm down close to 20 pounds. I haven't been at this weight in years (see sidebar). I can definitely feel it when sitting criss-cross-applesauce and when wiping my butt already. I'm still sore in my tummy, but I'm able to move better each day, which is nice. I've been cooking and trying to clean here in there. I do still enjoy cooking -- it's almost kind of freeing when I'm not eating it. I just cook to enjoy cooking and there's no worry about should I or shouldn't I or whatever. I've been freezing little bits here and there in 2oz containers for later. I did lick some food off my finger (a very tiny amount of sauce) and even that felt like it sat heavy.</p><p>So there's all that in a nutshell.</p><p><br /></p>Bonita Gorditahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02211749482909459856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31508358.post-43704056745568360362021-01-26T22:33:00.000-06:002021-01-26T22:33:05.578-06:00Weight Loss Surgery Program! <p> My last post was 3.5 years ago. A lot has happened since that, but a lot has stayed the same, too. Actually in the weight category it's mostly stayed the same.</p><p>I was riding around barking on 300's door for quite some time, hanging in around 297. It was frustrating. I'm not saying I didn't have any part in it. I was maintaining by just allowing myself the grace not to pay attention to my health through nourishing foods. I don't eat junk food, but even good foods can keep weight on.</p><p>At any rate, I somehow pulled the reigns a bit and logged food, etc. and got myself in a better direction. I also started the bariatric program at our local hospital. End goal: Weight Loss Surgery.</p><p>It's always been at the back of my mind, honestly, but I never wanted to go to that "extreme." Besides, I couldn't afford it, and our insurance did not cover it, so it wasn't really even worth thinking about, so I also convinced myself not to even think about it.</p><p>But now it is a choice. Everyone calls it a TOOL just like anything else (trackers, programs, diets). It's no miracle, you have to work with it or it won't work. Unless you're one of the "lucky" ones that ends up basically starving to death and can't consume foods like a normal human anymore. Believe me I've read about those. The good stories outweigh the bad. But the bad sit heavy on the brain.</p><p>I'm not going to talk too much about all of that, but just to say that I'm in the running for it, and looking to get approved after my last session in February.</p><p>Then... who knows. With Covid, who knows how long it would take to get in. I'm not entirely sure. But sometime this spring could be my time.</p><p>Some days I'm so excited I just want to have the surgery, already! And other times I'm like, <i>girl you are not getting this surgery who </i>are<i> you kidding?</i></p><p>Today I'm somewhere in the middle of that, but I'm also working on completing the things I need to to have it be an option. I just need them to "pass" me and my insurance to approve it. Then we're a "go."</p><p>But I also need to decide between the Sleeve (VSG) or Bypass (RNY). Everyone has their own reasons for their choice, and googling will tell you some ways to narrow it down. But it's a weird thing for a surgeon to let you decide. So I need to talk to mine about that.</p><p>I was totally for VSG when I started all of this. Less tinkering with the toolbox, I guess. But as I read on, I wonder if "going all the way" might be the best option. I'm not yet 50, and I hope I have a good 25+ years of health and mobility left in me. I don't want to be in the hospital for all kinds of issues related to this surgery.</p><p>In fact, I've never had surgery. Well, C-section. But that's it. </p><p>The whole thing is weird to me if I think on it too much. And, though I know it would be the fight of my life (since I've been fat and battling the foodieinme for<i>ever</i>. </p><p>But I remember saying that it would be wonderful to wake up at a healthy weight and just have to maintain it. Not that it would be easy, but goodness it would be wonderful. This is kinda sorta like that, but you get a jump start before surgery, a baptism-by-fire while recovering, and then you have the job of using what you've learned to maintain it.</p><p>I like to write so you might see more posts of me writing about this. Mostly it's just me getting my own words out. But I've been helped tremendously from others who have journaled (videos, writing, etc.) so maybe this will do the same for others. I may or may not leave my old stuff published, I don't know. OR I'll make a fresh start.</p>Bonita Gorditahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02211749482909459856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31508358.post-91417259932867699782017-10-18T09:11:00.002-05:002017-10-18T09:11:49.384-05:00I Started Metformin AgainI want to leave myself a little note.<br />
I started Metformin again.<br />
I'm on Day 3.<br />
<br />
Haven't had any issues with it as of yet. It was about 3 (which means 5) years ago that I went on it, got through about a week, bumped it up, and went off. My doctor still wanted me to give it another try, and I'm embarrassed to say it took me this long to do it. <br />
<br />
At any rate, I feel fine so far. I'm not going to bump up over 500 mg, though, unless I have a very good reason. I seem to do better on smaller doses of things.<br />
<br />
I've been tired lately - or wanting to sleep longer. Maybe it's age, maybe I'm sleeping better. I used to want to sleep, sleep, sleep when I was a teenager. The last few years I've been getting up early no matter what, and now the last few months I want to sleep again. It could be that I've been taking the sertraline and my morning anxiety is lessened? I don't really know. I never related it to that before, so I'll have to think on that.<br />
<br />
Jease, any more meds?! Haha.<br />
<br />
I've tried to keep my anxiety under control, but I can't, so I'm trying meds. They're definitely helping, no doubt. My PMS is greatly lessened. It's not a 100% turnaround or anything, but it's minimized. <br />
<br />
I still haven't gone to the gym (I renewed my membership). <br />
<br />
I've been walking more since I absolutely LOVE fall, and could spend every day outside in this weather.<br />
<br />
<br />Bonita Gorditahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02211749482909459856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31508358.post-58779926648481685662017-10-06T09:25:00.000-05:002017-10-06T09:25:06.968-05:00Old Goals<div style="font-style: normal;">
<b>I'm keeping a record of my old goals here so I can remember them. But updated my goals so I can re-achieve them.</b></div>
<div style="font-style: normal;">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div style="font-style: normal;">
<b>MAJOR GOALS</b></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;">
<img src="http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l13/bgordita/blue_heart.gif" style="font-size: 16px;" /><span style="font-size: small;"><span> </span></span><span style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span">238 (100 pounds GONE)</span></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: normal;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"></span><br />
<div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 16px;">
<div face=""" size="3" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div>
<div face=""" size="3" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Mini Goals</span></div>
<div face=""" size="3" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: small;">2016</span></div>
<div face=""" size="3" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: ";"><span style="font-size: small;"><img src="http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l13/bgordita/blue_heart.gif" /></span></span><span><span style="font-family: ";"><span style="font-size: small;"> below 280</span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal;">
<div>
<div face=""" size="3" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "; font-size: small;"><img src="http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l13/bgordita/blue_heart.gif" /></span><span style="font-size: small;"> below 270</span></div>
<div>
<div face="Georgia, serif" size="3">
<img src="http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l13/bgordita/blue_heart.gif" /> good habits through May</div>
<div face="Georgia, serif" size="3">
<img src="http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l13/bgordita/blue_heart.gif" /> size 24 pants</div>
<div face="Georgia, serif" size="3" style="line-height: normal;">
<img src="http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l13/bgordita/blue_heart.gif" style="font-size: 100%;" /><span style="font-size: small;"> clothes too loose</span></div>
</div>
<div face="Georgia, serif" size="3" style="line-height: normal;">
<img src="http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l13/bgordita/blue_heart.gif" style="font-size: 100%;" /><span style="font-size: small;"> jog 1 mile</span></div>
<div face="Georgia, serif" size="3" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div face="Georgia, serif" size="3" style="line-height: normal;">
<img src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/_EBC1U22ZhTs/S6eTb6BY_WI/AAAAAAAAAEQ/wrLA_QD83w0/s200/goldstar.gif" /> <u>Goals Achieved</u> <img src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/_EBC1U22ZhTs/S6eTb6BY_WI/AAAAAAAAAEQ/wrLA_QD83w0/s200/goldstar.gif" /></div>
<div face="Georgia, serif" size="3" style="line-height: normal;">
<img src="http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l13/bgordita/blue_heart.gif" /><strike> stay below 300</strike></div>
<div face="Georgia, serif" size="3" style="line-height: normal;">
<img src="http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l13/bgordita/blue_heart.gif" /><strike> Bike the 5-mile loop, no stopping</strike></div>
<div face="Georgia, serif" size="3" style="line-height: normal;">
<img src="http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l13/bgordita/blue_heart.gif" /> <strike>below 290</strike><span style="font-size: small;"> (8/24/12)</span></div>
<div face="Georgia, serif" size="3" style="line-height: normal;">
<img src="http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l13/bgordita/blue_heart.gif" style="font-size: 100%;" /><span style="font-size: small;"> </span><strike style="font-size: 100%;">below285</strike><span style="font-size: small;"> (10/12)</span></div>
<div face="Georgia, serif" size="3" style="line-height: normal;">
<img src="http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l13/bgordita/blue_heart.gif" /><span style="font-size: small;"> <strike>below 277</strike> (11/12/12)</span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal;">
<img src="http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l13/bgordita/blue_heart.gif" /><span style="font-size: small;"> <strike>below 269 (1/2 way to goal)</strike> (1/28/13)</span></div>
<div face=""" size="3" style="line-height: normal;">
<img src="http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l13/bgordita/blue_heart.gif" /> <strike>fit comfortably into clothes again</strike> (1/13)</div>
<div face=""" size="3" style="line-height: normal;">
<div>
<img src="http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l13/bgordita/blue_heart.gif" /> <strike>260 (lower than my lowest)</strike> 4/22/13</div>
<div>
<img src="http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l13/bgordita/blue_heart.gif" /><strike> 257 (see <a href="http://bonita-gordita.blogspot.com/2010/05/resistant-to-change-277.html">this</a>)</strike><span style="font-size: small;"> 4/29/13</span></div>
<div>
<div face="Georgia, serif" size="3">
<img src="http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l13/bgordita/blue_heart.gif" /> <strike>someone ask if I've lost weight (not family) </strike>(6/13)</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
Bonita Gorditahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02211749482909459856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31508358.post-41879868634980940022017-10-05T09:19:00.000-05:002017-10-05T09:19:15.434-05:00How Many Starting Again Posts Can I HaveHaha.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I guess I never "stopped" battling, or working on living a healthier lifestyle. But I haven't been as intentional about it as I needed to.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Truth is I've been relatively healthy with my eating, and my walking. But I need to lose weight. That's the bottom line. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
For vanity reasons (let's be honest) - my clothes are tight.</div>
<div>
For practical reasons - my body feels unnecessarily uncomfortable wrapped in so much fat.</div>
<div>
For health reasons - carrying around this much excessive weight can't be healthy for me.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So, I've been intentional in other areas - like just trying to stay afloat of life, enjoying my time off, enjoying family, taking walks... but I really do need to TRY to shed some weight. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I'd love to see 220, but I don't know. Right now I really do need to start over. I'm in another chapter of my life, and have NO reason not to focus on myself right now.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
My short term goal is to get below 280. I was balancing at 283 for a long time, and then started on Sertraline this summer and hit 290, which was where I seemed to hover, getting as high as 293 quite a few times.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I don't know if it was/is the Sertraline, or if it's the vacation that I took early in the season - or if it's hormones, or laziness. I honestly don't know.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
What I do know is that four short years ago on June 17, 2013 I was 249 pounds and felt A GREAT DEAL BETTER. And now, a little over 4 years later I am 40 pounds heavier.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
What changed?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
My job changed. I left a part-time job that I had for 6 years, and moved to full-time work.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I would have to say that was the major change in my life. The good of that is that I've learned new skills, challenged myself in the workplace, and have met new people. The not-so-good is that I've had a stressful time of things. The first two jobs I had were stressful and one of them occupied way too much of my time. The second one was a stepping stone, and the third brought me to a position that I've been trying to land since I took the first job. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Though this current position is my "goal position" - it's been ladled with stress. There's been a lot of turnover, and it was somewhat of a clean-up job when I started. By this year, it was to be smooth sailing for me. It's not there yet. I come home stressed and edgy. I take work home with me. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Bottom line is if I can't find a work/life balance this year, I think I will give up what is to be my "dream job" - which I don't want to do. But I worry that the balance weighs heavy on the job part, and not on the life part, and don't want to miss out on the second chapter of my life because I'm so wrapped up in my job.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I'm also trying to grow as a person and NOT give so much of myself to my work that I can't have a life on any day but the weekend. A big part of that, for me, is losing weight so that I'm more comfortable to do the things I want to do, and I have to be intentional and have the energy to do that.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I have to figure out how because I don't want to wait a year to make that happen.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
This post is a lot of babble, but writing it out helps me work through it. That's one of the ways I focus on myself, I think. </div>
Bonita Gorditahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02211749482909459856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31508358.post-4370604274475890062017-03-10T06:48:00.005-06:002017-03-10T06:48:57.428-06:00Checking In Before WeekendI'm Day 5 into logging calories/carbs/fat, and trying to keep my streak for 30 days (even if I go above the goals I'm aiming for).<br />
<br />
As with anytime you really stick to a restrictive way of eating, I've lost a few pounds. I was at 280 this morning, which is the lowest I've fluctuated in a while. I'm really wanting to leave March under 280. If I can stick with this, I should be able to reach that goal no problem.<br />
<br />
The weekends kill me though. That's why I wanted to check in quick before the weekend.<br />
<br />
I've really stuck to plan all week despite circumstances being not-so-great for success. We were out of town last weekend, and I left with a pretty bare fridge. I haven't been able to shop much at all this week, but have still managed to scrape together some meals. <br />
<br />
At any rate, I'm hoping to do decent over the weekend and still be able to log a 280 (or less) weight next week when I check back in.<br />
<br />
Have a great weekend.Bonita Gorditahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02211749482909459856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31508358.post-72252733127836020362017-02-08T20:40:00.002-06:002017-02-08T20:40:35.514-06:00I Wear My Seatbelt (Unless It Doesn't Fit)<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m in a rut.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Not a stall or anything, but a life rut.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s daunting to need to lose a good 80 pounds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even 50 is daunting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It sounds exciting, because it would CHANGE
MY LIFE.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But it is a LOT of work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Time that I might not have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or maybe it’s faith or patience that I don’t
have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe more than I want to give.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have a dear friend who is right around the weight I
am.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She struggles, too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every time we get together we talk about our
weight and why we can’t change it, and what we might be missing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This last time it was rides.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Carnival rides.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being too fat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That was the major tangible thing we could
come up with.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I can think of others, but we were a couple cocktails in and
that stood out.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Did I ever tell you about riding in my dad’s truck?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How the seatbelt didn’t fit around me?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It wasn’t a big truck, and the seats didn’t
slide back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’d pick me up on more than
one occasion and I’d have to tuck my seatbelt in next to me, or hold it down so
it looked like I had my seatbelt on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And
– it’s not like my dad is an unloving jerk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But I didn’t want to tell him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
didn’t want to say it out loud that I couldn’t fit that darn belt around
me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This was when I was 330 pounds, give
or take.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’d just given birth not too
long ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was before I lost the 50
pounds that I never found again.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was horrible.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because, I WEAR MY SEATBELT.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>So, not only was I hiding from my dad, I was terrified for my own
safety.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My dad is a bit of a reckless
driver, which never helped the situation.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was a horrible, shameful feeling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I just can’t find the time or desire to
get over this hump.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do know it will
happen, but it hasn’t happened yet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve
maintained at 283 for too long.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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I’m taking steps, and I’ll talk about that next time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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Bonita Gorditahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02211749482909459856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31508358.post-64486947940516469522017-01-18T08:38:00.002-06:002017-01-18T08:38:29.553-06:00Quick Check InHi.<br />
<br />
Today is Thursday. No, Wednesday. Today is Wednesday. <br />
<br />
Today I woke up! Kidding, not kidding. Waking up is the start. Everything you do after that is gravy or gravel.<br />
<br />
I can't talk weight because mine looks not so good on the scale, but I can talk habits. The first week of the new year, I broke the eat-whatever-you-want-start-tomorrow habit of the holidays. That's good. I haven't had sweets, I wasn't having beer. The second week, I kind of strayed. I still kept with the idea of week 1, but I had a stress-inducing event coming up, and I just couldn't get a grip all the time - I ate more carbs than I should of.<br />
<br />
This week, I'm doing OK. <br />
<br />
There's a lot of things I'm working on, and trying to make habit so that I'm a happier ME than I've been.<br />
<br />
MAKE EXERCISE A PRIORITY<br />
<br />
Today - January 18 - I woke up and did a quick work out. That's something new. For a while I was doing 5-minute Walk Away The Pounds videos in the morning, just to get the blood flowing, and to create habit. It didn't stick.<br />
<br />
I think, though, beyond weight loss, I need to think more of my own health and what the benefits of regular exercise do. I forget that piece sometimes and/or it falls away when the sidewalks are covered with a generous heaping of ice. So, I forced myself to do a 1-mile walk. Nothing I can't do in the 15 minutes I would normally use to Facebook stalk, right? <br />
<br />
BETTER USE OF MY TIME<br />
<br />
READ MORE<br />
<br />
I love to read. I don't set aside enough time to do it. Period.<br />
<br />
TAKE BETTER CONTROL OF MY MONEY<br />
<br />
EAT SIMPLE FOODS AT HOME<br />
<br />
I've been so stressed for years now that my money flies out the door in the shape of cheezy fries, beers, and "eating out" because I just don't have time. Eating out is nice, and should be done sometimes for fun and leisure. But it shouldn't eat up your entire salary. I have to ditch the idea that every meal should be plated as if it were going to a king, and just throw stuff together. It's usually healthier, and it's almost always cheaper.<br />
<br />
LOSE WEIGHT<br />
<br />
I don't feel the need to lose so much that people don't recognize me, but I do feel like I need to fit in my clothes and feel good in them. <br />
<br />
LEARN SOMETHING NEW<br />
<br />
I need to do this this year.<br />
<br />
MY JOB<br />
<br />
We'll see about my job, and what I do with that. I love my job, but the bad management has made it a horrible, stressful place to work. I can't have my life lead like that. I just can't.<br />
<br />
Anyway. I think better life management will help. After some struggles years ago, at times where we lived crisis to crisis, it kind of became our lives. I don't want that. I want to live accentuating the good moments in life, not just coping between the bad ones. It's a rut, it's a habit. But, I also have to believe things can change - I CAN CHANGE - and that I have control of that.<br />
<br />
I hope you're having a good start to the new year!<br />
<br />Bonita Gorditahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02211749482909459856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31508358.post-19038408834964969532016-12-20T09:00:00.002-06:002016-12-20T09:00:30.288-06:00The Things I AmThis has been another year of "getting by" for me. More of me holding my life together, than me focusing on my own health. I'm not sure if that will change or continue come 2017.<br />
<br />
In a staff lunch we were talking about taking care of self. It was our department, about seven of us, all in similar jobs. We're all stressed out (some of us more than others). We talked about how SELFISH you have to be if you want to take care of yourself. It's easier when you don't have kids to look after. It's easier if you don't have a spouse. It's easiest if you only have to take care of YOURSELF. <br />
<br />
I was doing that a few years ago, successfully. I lost a significant amount of weight and felt better in my own skin. I definitely struggled, but I was on a good path.<br />
<br />
I no longer feel that way. I drink almost every day (mostly from stress, and needing to "come down" from the day). I feel unhappy in my relationship, and dedicate NO time to fixing that. I feel time is slipping away with my kids (they are all almost adults now, and I feel like there's been so much wasted time).<br />
<br />
As much as I love how far I've gotten in my "career" in the past few years, I'm not really happy with where I am in my life outside of that. I've met new people, learned new things, accomplished goals (the job I'm in now is the job I couldn't even get an interview for a few years ago). But, I wouldn't say I'm happier. I have more knowledge. As much as I love-hate my position, it's not <i>who I am</i>. I've sort of lost myself in all of this.<br />
<br />
<u>The Things I am</u><br />
I'm a mother.<br />
I'm a crafter.<br />
I'm spontaneous.<br />
I'm a reader.<br />
I'm a caregiver.<br />
I'm a church-goer.<br />
I'm a camper.<br />
I'm a singer.<br />
I'm a homemaker.<br />
I'm a cook.<br />
I'm a writer.<br />
I'm a wife.<br />
I'm a sister.<br />
I'm a daughter.<br />
I'm an animal-lover.<br />
I'm a gardener.<br />
I'm a photographer.<br />
I'm a friend.<br />
<br />
I'm literally none of those things anymore. I am that person in tiny increments, sometimes.<br />
I'm too consumed by my M-F, 9-5 job.<br />
I only have so much to give, and I give most of it when I'm at my job. <br />
Then I come home tired, angry, frustrated, and burnt out.<br />
<br />
I know I'd be unhappy letting my job go. I know it. <br />
<br />
So, as much as this is the year to better myself, enjoy my family, and get back to my own roots... this is the year that I also quit my dream job and find one that accommodates my life, rather than having my life accommodate my job. I want to travel. I want to be healthier. I want to explore more of the things I enjoyed before I threw myself into this crazy ring of work-work-work.<br />
<br />
None of the Things I Am can be replaced by someone else.<br />
But my position at work will have a replacement within two weeks, if I quit.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Bonita Gorditahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02211749482909459856noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31508358.post-69990961271617228122016-11-01T19:07:00.001-05:002016-11-01T19:09:10.495-05:00Nobody Wants to Hear ThisI don't write much anymore because I don't have anything substantial to say.<br />
I mean, I do, but not as it pertains to actually doing better, losing weight, or doing well.<br />
<br />
I'm still hanging on by a thread. Things in my work life were making progress, and then the rug was pulled out from underneath me. Personnel changes, and all projects working towards something good are GONE. Poof. Like that.<br />
<br />
Again.<br />
<br />
So, the past few years has seen me 3 new job changes, and multiple weird situations that I can't make heads or tails of besides the fact that they are normal to life, and life is difficult.<br />
<br />
My weight is the same, fluctuating between 279 on a good day, and 283 on a FATTY day.<br />
<br />
Today, after suffering major work-related blow while trying to handle life as it comes daily, I've resorted to cocktails and carbs as a way of coping. Add my period, and I'm nearly committable to a mental institution.<br />
<br />
I don't want to feel this. I want to be that beacon of light for the people around me, but I can't be. I'm taxed to the end with no outlet at all and a head that runs in circles, confusing the most hard to confuse.<br />
<br />
I wonder if I should start popping an anti-depressant or something like that. I wonder a lot of things. I also wonder if I should just tank my job, enjoy my life, and quit letting the corporate idea of what's important mandate my happiness.<br />
<br />
I wonder a lot of things.<br />
<br />
But today, as I gorge on liquor and noodles, I just feel badly for myself that coping becomes edible, and screen time on Blogger takes place of a real-life friend/mom/person to just talk to.<br />
<br />
I trust nobody at work because nobody really cares about anyone but themselves. So, hi.Bonita Gorditahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02211749482909459856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31508358.post-48308116872548050552016-06-15T07:29:00.000-05:002016-06-15T07:29:15.214-05:00Weigh In - 281I have to rush off to work this morning, but I wanted to make sure I got this in. I did weigh in last week at 281. I wasn't sure if it would hold, but it did. It was crazy. I weighed in at 278 twice, but my scale was acting crazy. So then when I finally weighed in and it said 281, I really didn't want to believe it. So, by the time I got around to recording it for a solid weight, I never updated here.<br />
<br />
Today is an important number.<br />
<br />
I feel like I've been hovering at 285 for a long time (while not caring what I've eaten). More than the scale, my clothes were very, very uncomfortable - my fat clothes. To have my regular clothes feel better, I think I need to get to around 270/272. But, clearly it's going to take me a while. That will open up my wardrobe a bit.<br />
<br />
So, I've dipped down to 282/283 before, but not 280. I feel like I might actually be making some sort of a dent, and I'm thrilled about that. Like maybe there's a possibility I could lose 10 more pounds. I am going on vacation in a week, so I'm a little nervous about what that will bring. But I'm not going to worry about it, since that's not going to get me anywhere.<br />
<br />
I haven't really instituted exercise yet - not even walking. The fact that I've held on over the last few weeks is simply amazing. If I can manage my stress at work, and still continue on the path I'm on, I'll be pretty happy. We'll see. I'd love to be out of the 80s next weigh in.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Bonita Gorditahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02211749482909459856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31508358.post-58585055417881258972016-06-03T06:45:00.002-05:002016-06-03T06:45:37.655-05:00Weigh In 282 (3rd Week In A Row)The title says it all.<br />
<br />
I'm 282 for the 3rd week in a row.<br />
<br />
I didn't leave May under 280, which I was hoping for. In face, this 282 I'm stuck at isn't too much of a prize, since this is around where I've been hovering the past year (between 284 and 289). It's really frustrating. To be on spot a way higher percentage than I'm not and to just stay the same is always frustrating.<br />
<br />
But I guess I'm maintaining, is the way to look at it. Maybe I was maintaining a slightly higher weight before. At this size, five pounds can still make a wee difference.<br />
<br />
It's a lot of work to just maintain. Sad face.<br />
<br />
I don't know what gets me. The next couple weeks will be telling, if I can stay on track. Last weekend I had too much beer, and too many "off menu" items, I would say. I need to see what a weekend without that brings me. I guess I'm glad to say that I'm back to where I was before last weekend (which was a 4-day weekend for me). But I'm not really glad. I'd like to have been down, obviously.<br />
<br />
So. I'll take it as a reminder to me to stay on track this weekend. Tomorrow we have plans, so I know I'll go over calories, have a couple drinks. I just need to remind myself not to go too far away from what is working from me, and to know that going too far off also tends to lead to having to reset my taste buds again, which isn't fun.<br />
<br />
-------<br />
<br />
Besides my weigh-in, I'm exhausted today. The work week has gone OK, but I'm ready to be done with this work week and turn my brain off of it for a bit.Bonita Gorditahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02211749482909459856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31508358.post-81719594239265158772016-05-25T09:12:00.000-05:002016-05-25T09:12:15.821-05:00Weigh In: 282 (No Change)Today's weigh in wasn't a big surprise. I knew that along with it being Hump Day, it was also right around the time I expected my Monthly Friend. And WAZAAAAM! there it is. I'm trying to take things in stride and not freak out about no loss this week. Keep on, keeping on.<br />
<br />
I've been doing pretty good with everything, staying on plan. Some days it's harder than others. Some days I'm really not hungry at all, and others (like yesterday), I was famished. But it's nothing like the ongoing crazy grazing, endless pot when I'm eating carbs and sweets. Nothing like that.<br />
<br />
As much as I really don't like low-carb, and would love to stick to just eat what I want under a certain amount of calories - I think it's what my body needs. Maybe in a maintenance phase (like that will ever happen, my who life is attaining, not maintaining, lol), but I think I have to be a 90% low-carb/higher-fat kind of person.<br />
<br />
I do allow myself Atkins shakes. I do allow myself some beer here and there. But I've been pretty good at not having sweets, even chocolate. I won't say it's easy. <br />
<br />
The past couple weeks at work have been horrific. Monday I came home determined to finish off the couple of wine bottles I had left - totally didn't care. It was horrible. You know when you get super angry at someone and you're shaking afterwards? That's how I feel sometimes when I get done with work. I want to run out of there so fast.<br />
<br />
I'm getting better at leaving work at work, though. <br />
<br />
I'm still trying to figure out what exactly I'm "learning" through this whole experience with this job. <br />
<br />
Basically I feel like I've learned how to hold on to small things and limp through life. Not so great. But I also know if I ever said, ENOUGH and quit, I'd have my husband's understanding and support. So, we'll see. I don't plan on quitting, but I'm holding on for my new manager to be hired, and hoping that this could still turn out to be a Dream Job for me.<br />
<br />
You never know.<br />
<br />
In other news - I did my first 5K! It was fun. I walked it. But I DID it. Something different. I can't say I'm addicted or anything, or that this is the start of me doing more and more. They're expensive and I still can't entirely get over paying to walk a course. But it was something I wanted to do, and never seemed to be able to get myself to just DO.<br />
<br />
I haven't been walking or doing much of any exercise, though I've been quite active. My fitbit charger is lost somewhere in the house, so I've been without that all week, which sucks a bit.<br />
<br />
Well, off to work. Happy Hump Day!Bonita Gorditahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02211749482909459856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31508358.post-90648013612665043332016-05-19T09:05:00.002-05:002016-05-19T09:05:37.910-05:00Weigh In: 282I'm going to put this weight down (which would mean a 1# loss), but I am suspicious.<br />
<br />
See, I was actually UP in weight at the beginning of the week. I had been naughty. I just was. Between going a little off track, and stress, I just figured I had to face facts.<br />
<br />
I stepped on the scale Tuesday and it said, "Lo."<br />
<br />
Batteries. I need batteries.<br />
<br />
But there was no time to mess with them. I tried stepping on it 3 times, and it still balked at me, <b>Lo</b>. Wednesday morning I tried again, hoping someone else took care of the scale's battery issue, but still, <b>Lo</b>. I had an early morning appointment to get to, so I left it alone. I also knew I was going out with the girls that night, and really didn't want to weigh in after that. But whatever - such is life.<br />
<br />
So today I tried to find batteries and we're completely out. But I tried again. And it did it's little search-y thing where the zeros dance in a circle for a bit before it displays 0.o. OK? I stepped on. Maybe someone DID take care of the battery thing - <i>finally.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
282.(something)<br />
<br />
Not really believing it, I stepped off and touched it with my toe again. <b>Lo.</b> I tried a couple more times (I like to weigh myself more than once in case it's a fluke). <b>Lo</b>. So, I'm just going to take it. To trust. To not get too wound up about the number, and just hope it sticks.<br />
<br />
I'm battling a cold. Never fun. I'm sure the stress of my job situation doesn't help. It's absolutely beautiful out today, though. If things weren't turned upside down at work I might consider staying home, actually. I hardly ever take a sick day. I told myself I'd go in today and if I felt lousy, or if it became too nuts - I'd come home. I have to remember my whole, "Take Care of Myself" mantra. It's real. And I feel cruddy, lol.<br />
<br />
<br />Bonita Gorditahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02211749482909459856noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31508358.post-84705741934205683912016-05-12T09:03:00.001-05:002016-05-12T09:03:45.410-05:00Weigh In: 283 (Down 1 More)It's only a pound, but that's OK.<br />
<br />
I'd like to say that I'd be out of the 80's by the end of May, but it is doubtful. It would be WONDERFUL - but, given that things are a bit up-ended, I should (technically) be satisfied if I can hang on to 283 and not balloon up to 383.<br />
<br />
Another unfortunate turn of events - my bossy-boss/manager took all of his stuff (including the mini-fridge, microwave, coffee maker). This is not a good thing. All of those items were "community items" shared by our small department - and used nearly daily by ME. But they were also in his space. I have very little space to put such items, but I'm going to. I NEED to, if I'm going to keep on track with how I've been going. There are other microwaves in our building, but sometimes the harder it is to manage something, the less likely it is that it will happen.<br />
<br />
I need to plan for me, take care of me, and not be worried or ashamed of doing it.Bonita Gorditahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02211749482909459856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31508358.post-50563901385038463332016-05-10T08:52:00.001-05:002016-05-10T08:52:50.163-05:00Stress Is Not Good For The EatsI haven't done THAT bad, really.<br />
<br />
But, there is room for improvement.<br />
<br />
My immediate manager was fired. Sometimes that can be a good thing. I won't know if it is good or bad, until I can look back on things, but it definitely creates a ripple in life. We work very closely together to oversee a department, and though I'm not his "equal" I've always been treated as one; we were a team.<br />
<br />
So, it's a bit scary. The Unknown. The Transition. The Temporary Manager. My interim manager is someone who transferred out of our department. Many strengths, and a disaster left behind. <br />
<br />
Needless to say, it's been an interesting week. I don't think I did stellar in the staying-on-track (with eating) department - BUT - I did stellar in the don't-quit-your-job department. I'm hanging in there. I'm trying to dig out whatever positives I can find (even if they aren't immediate).<br />
<br />
I drank more beer than is permissible on a low carb diet (just one day, though), and I might pay for it on the scale tomorrow. However! I had a highly active weekend, and a very enjoyable Mother's Day.<br />
<br />
And I'm back at it (or was back at it) Monday. A bit painful, but I managed to stay the course. That's what it's all about, staying the course.<br />
<br />
Stress can throw you off, though. I'm definitely more tired. I feel completely draggy, which I didn't feel last week. I'd like that energy back, thankyouverymuch.<br />
<br />
<br />Bonita Gorditahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02211749482909459856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31508358.post-55496893799625118442016-05-04T08:43:00.001-05:002016-05-04T08:43:12.660-05:00Weigh In: 284 (Down 3 pounds)Yay!<br />
<br />
Guarded excitement. SUPER happy to see vindication on the scale, but nervous. The next few weeks should be telling. I have fluctuated here, too (down to 284), while not really watching what I'm eating. But it's definitely my carrot on a stick. I needed to see some scale movement. I really do feel it a bit in my clothes, but a lot of that is probably bloat.<br />
<br />
I think my first BIG milestone (though it's not huge), will be to dip below 280. I'd love to see that happen by the end of May. I'm not holding my breath, as this went rather slow. But we shall see.<br />
<br />
I'm still eating lower carb/higher fat.<br />
<br />
Less than 100g carbs (around 60ish with fiber removed)<br />
Less than 150g fat<br />
About 100g protein<br />
Around 2000 calories<br />
<br />
That's about where I fall in, give or take a little. I still had 3 Guinness this weekend, ate a few bites of pizza. Maybe that's what slows me down a bit, I don't know. I want something sustainable, not short term.<br />
<br />
At any rate, that's the scoop - now I'm off to work.<br />
<br />
Happy Wednesday.Bonita Gorditahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02211749482909459856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31508358.post-25989637507746930492016-04-28T08:30:00.000-05:002016-04-28T08:30:01.958-05:00Post Weigh In DroppageOut of a whim, I got on the scale this morning: 285<br />
<br />
Interesting. I'd love to change my official weigh-in to that number, but I'm going to wait and hope and pray it sticks (or drops even more) by next Wednesday. Motivation.<br />
<br />
It was an exciting number to see, but I'll be nervous a bit until it's official.<br />
<br />
Strangely, my husband asked me if I'd lost weight. It makes no sense because weight loss doesn't show up on a fat person that quickly. I think he might have been trying to make me feel good. I don't really care either way - I know my pants feel a little better. Maybe it's wheat bloat. What will be good is if I can keep that number or drop by next week because, right now, I don't feel like how I've been eating is unmanageable in the long run. My bigger fear is that it's not enough and I'd have to drop even more, which I'm not sure would be manageable.<br />
<br />
So I'm going to work on continuing a similar course of action and see what the next week brings me. I've also been going through my food journals from a few years back to see what my patterns were. <br />
<br />
<br />Bonita Gorditahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02211749482909459856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31508358.post-78032483287961985342016-04-27T08:54:00.001-05:002016-04-27T08:54:22.162-05:00Weigh In: 287 (Week 4 and n/c)I don't know if I should laugh or cry?!<br />
<br />
Week 4, same weight, no change. I've DEFINITELY taken in less calories, people. I've definitely changed my carb/fat ratio. I could have done NOTHING and been where I am.<br />
<br />
The upside is that I have felt better. That's for sure. Except for the past three days. I really haven't done anything different, but I noticed that my energy was down, and my mood was kind of sucky. I don't know if it is hormones - I'm on the other side of my period - or just coincidence. <br />
<br />
Who knows. Hard to say. I don't really know what exactly to change, or how to get my body to release some of this weight, though. It's very frustrating. But, I'm still not giving up.<br />
<br />
One thing I definitely feel is hungry. I don't want to eat, but my body is constantly telling me to. I can finish eating a salad and it will growl, and I feel like I need something. So maybe there is something I'm just not doing right (not enough fat, or not hitting the right nutrition combo). Either way, it might be out of my reach right now. I've just got too much to do, and not enough time to sit and micro-analyze my nutrients.<br />
<br />
Last time I lost significant amount of weight I had to put enormous amounts of time into myself - something I just flat out don't have.Bonita Gorditahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02211749482909459856noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31508358.post-89502823334229323932016-04-20T08:49:00.002-05:002016-04-20T08:49:35.125-05:00Weigh In: 287 (Week 3 and n/c)It always frustrates me when someone is waiting for me when I come into work. I usually try to get to work a half hour early just to get settled, get my tea -- just get ready for the day. And sometimes there's a person just standing there. Waiting.<br />
<br />
What I want to do is point to the sign indicating the office's hours, walk past, and shut the door. I'm not getting paid during that time. That's MY time. I need it. I come early to have it. The worst is my boss shares an office with me, and sometimes I get things thrown at me the second I walk in the door. "When I get settled." I try to say - <i>hint, hint.</i> It works some of the time.<br />
<br />
I just know I need that time. I know it about myself. But I can't make the world understand this. Anyway. This was on my mind this morning. <br />
<br />
MY WEIGH IN SUCKS!!!!!<br />
<br />
Son of a biscuit, I can't believe it. Literally on week 3 of tracking my food and that scale isn't budging at <i>all. </i>It's really hard not to just give in and be this:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-AYo0u8DpnTU/VxeHZyx_I1I/AAAAAAAAAWk/7sD4On0an2MdDVtVt_Q8ohE2MaYNR7bZgCLcB/s1600/Screen%2BShot%2B2016-04-20%2Bat%2B8.42.36%2BAM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="251" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-AYo0u8DpnTU/VxeHZyx_I1I/AAAAAAAAAWk/7sD4On0an2MdDVtVt_Q8ohE2MaYNR7bZgCLcB/s320/Screen%2BShot%2B2016-04-20%2Bat%2B8.42.36%2BAM.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
I knew it was coming because I weigh myself almost daily. It's seriously nuts. I KNOW I've been eating less than normal. I know it. I've been consciously moving more and eating less, and it's been going on three weeks and nothing has changed. I just need to document that. 'Cause I actually go back and read this stuff sometimes.<br />
<br />
I have no idea why the scale hasn't changed.<br />
<br />
My eating has been lower carb. This past week it's been under 100 carbs. I literally can't drop my calories any more than I have. To maintain my weight it tells me I need to eat under 2700 calories (I'm a big girl). I don't think I've eaten 2700 calories in 3 weeks (maybe one day I did?). I surely haven't this pas week, and I've been moving a lot more.<br />
<br />
And nada.<br />
<br />
Not to mention I'm starving. That's frustrating, but I'm literally starving many of the days. <br />
<br />
Here's the interesting part - I feel better. Maybe it's cutting out the sugars, breads, wheats? Maybe it's other things? But I feel better, my attitude has been better. I have no idea what it is, but I like that.<br />
<br />
But, I really need to lose weight. I really need to have my clothes feel better. I've been focusing so much on this tracking/eating thing, it's SO frustrating to have the needle stay the same. I could be not focusing on it, eating what I want, and have the needle stay the same. I mean, that's what I've been doing for the last how long?!<br />
<br />
I'm not giving up, but I can't lie and say that it's not disheartening. How can I plateau right now?Bonita Gorditahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02211749482909459856noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31508358.post-42455170010866543232016-04-13T08:53:00.000-05:002016-04-13T08:53:22.901-05:00Weigh In: 287<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-AUbbGXXs4_w/Vw5FxJu6I9I/AAAAAAAAAWE/KX0hwzca7mU16gUvLLZNaUpudHRgYqd0QCLcB/s1600/crankykid.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-AUbbGXXs4_w/Vw5FxJu6I9I/AAAAAAAAAWE/KX0hwzca7mU16gUvLLZNaUpudHRgYqd0QCLcB/s1600/crankykid.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
It is highly frustrating to be intentional and have it not show up on the scale. <i>Especially</i> during the first part of being intentional. Sub the word "intentional" for "diet" and you'll understand. <br />
<br />
I tracked calories.<br />
I walked.<br />
I paid attention and ate better.<br />
<br />
And the needle remains the same.<br />
<br />
OY. Surriously?!<br />
<br />
But, I'll admit, I wasn't trying to drop my calories below 2000 (which I need to do). I was just trying to pay attention and track calories, and walk more. Mission accomplished. What doesn't show up on the scale is that I felt decent this past week. <br />
<br />
So my next step in my mission would to pay better attention to that. To feel better. To be healthier.<br />
<br />
I'm using <a href="http://www.phlaunt.com/diabetes/nutrientCalc.php" target="_blank">this calculator again</a>, and following these guidelines for a lower carb, but not ketogenic way of eating for the week, and see how I feel.<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4Yd_87VlVS0/Vw5PHbNrrvI/AAAAAAAAAWU/VfwijyCZ2s8nsmZlk0SN0pzCTERn0l5PwCLcB/s1600/Screen%2BShot%2B2016-04-13%2Bat%2B8.51.15%2BAM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="193" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4Yd_87VlVS0/Vw5PHbNrrvI/AAAAAAAAAWU/VfwijyCZ2s8nsmZlk0SN0pzCTERn0l5PwCLcB/s640/Screen%2BShot%2B2016-04-13%2Bat%2B8.51.15%2BAM.png" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
This past week I was so hungry most of the time, so we'll see how I feel using this. I need to drop breadcrumbs or I forget what I've done.<br />
<br />
<br />Bonita Gorditahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02211749482909459856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31508358.post-33533302052939320652016-04-11T08:17:00.003-05:002016-04-11T08:17:58.417-05:00New Day - Try Something New A million times, I "Start Again."<br />
<br />
Two of my very good friends have lost some weight. Seeing the change in them reminds me of where I've been. It wasn't long ago that I was hearing, "You look smaller!" or "You look great!" and "What are you doing?!"<br />
<br />
I miss that.<br />
<br />
I miss how I felt.<br />
<br />
It's been a long haul moving from job to job the last few years. Stress, stress, stress. Everything kind of hit a head at the same time, plateau, job loss, job search, new job (hated it - consumed me), job search, job get (horrific co-worker, new I'd have to suffer through the year and transfer), job search, job get.<br />
<br />
My current job is decent. It's in the department I initially applied for <i>years </i>ago. Twice! But it's all-consuming, too. There's no time to relax, from the second you strap yourself in your work chair, you're go, go, GO! until it's time to leave, and then I'm almost running out the door before someone can ask much more of me.<br />
<br />
With all of these changes, it's been difficult to continue the focus on myself. But, I have to. And, honestly, if that means I have to find another job, it means it.<br />
<br />
My kids are almost grown. They have one more year of high-school. I'm so frustrated that the last 3 years of my life have been pretty miserable. I've been so stressed out, so haggard, so much living on a day to day. That's not living. That's waiting to die. Waiting to get old enough. That's not me.<br />
<br />
Well, partly it IS me. It's who I am. I only have so much in the tank. If I put in an exhausting day at work, I'm in a vegetative state. I don't have much left for anything else. I have to ask myself if this is what I want, what I can tolerate, if I'm living enough life - or if I need to make a switch.<br />
<br />
I don't know yet.<br />
<br />
What I do know is that, for the last week, instead of trying to put solid meals on the table, my focus was (purposely) shifted to counting calories. To paying attention. To taking a couple walks. Nothing major. If I can manage to find a balance, that would be nice. <br />
<br />
I haven't made a real dent in my weight, but this was one of the first weekends I didn't spike up to 289.<br />
<br />
I'm just going to <i>try</i> for a bit.<br />
<br />
On another note, I <a href="http://www.airplant.com/a.html" target="_blank">got an airplant</a>. I haven't had one before. Mine looks like the one in the top left-hand picture. I haven't figured out where exactly to put it yet. <br />
<br />
<br />Bonita Gorditahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02211749482909459856noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31508358.post-21085913798306297422016-02-19T21:15:00.002-06:002016-02-19T21:15:33.914-06:00I Wish I Were Addicted To HeroinI wish I were addicted to heroin.<br />
Cocaine.<br />
Crack.<br />
Meth.<br />
Weed.<br />
Liquor.<br />
Anything.<br />
<br />
Food addiction is the WORST.<br />
<br />
I quit cigarettes cold turkey.<br />
But none is none. I just don't smoke any more.<br />
<br />
I have to eat every single day.<br />
Every evening when I get home from work the agony sets in.<br />
<i>What am I going to pack for lunch tomorrow?</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
I would rather never eat.<br />
I have to eat, or I die.<br />
<br />
I can live without heroin, crack, coke, meth, weed, liquor, Xanax.<br />
<br />
I can't live without food.<br />
<br />
Tell a drug addict that they have to responsibly use their drug of choice. A little a day, but DO NOT go overboard.<br />
<br />
Good luck. See you in the morgue.<br />
<br />
Nobody will ever get this. Nobody. <br />
There's a different between being fat, and having a physical/mental addiction to food.<br />
<br />
I don't have cases of Mountain Dew or Ho-Hos, or anything else to omit. <br />
I eat healthy.<br />
I choose wisely.<br />
<br />
The older I get the harder it is to lose.<br />
And so I stay the same because I can't just quit my job and focus on myself.<br />
<br />
Sappy-sap-sap-sap-sappy.<br />
Daily I struggle. Daily. Minute. Hours.<br />
<br />
I hate it.Bonita Gorditahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02211749482909459856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31508358.post-46751169511535553112016-01-07T08:18:00.001-06:002016-01-07T08:18:51.222-06:00Staying The SameNew Year.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3SbHeCVv4bs/Vo5xJCgjZFI/AAAAAAAAAVs/ZufZLSFVkx0/s1600/Weight-Loss-e1358205690289.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3SbHeCVv4bs/Vo5xJCgjZFI/AAAAAAAAAVs/ZufZLSFVkx0/s320/Weight-Loss-e1358205690289.jpg" width="320" /></a><br />
<br />
I don't see last year as a failure. Though it's frustrating to start 2016 in relatively the same weight class as I did 2015, and 2014, I can be somewhat satisfied that I didn't start it at 338. I've been there. It's not pretty.<br />
<br />
But I want to go back to 2013, where things were better.<br />
<br />
The last 3 years has been a whirlwind. Mostly for ME specifically. I've had THREE jobs in THREE years. When I was able to get some consistency of time for myself and get my weight down, I was working part-time, in a job I'd had for years. It was great (for that piece). It wasn't so great for our checkbook, but it was great for me. <br />
<br />
When that job folded, I had to get out and find another one, and worked on breaking into a company that I'd tried to for years. I tried twice for my preferred position in the company, but didn't get the job either time. I landed one job (different position), worked there (super stressful). Quit that after a year. I found another (very dysfunctional, toxic environment); quite that. Now I am finally at the place and position I wanted to be in this company. It's still more hours and more stress than I really want in a job. But there's nothing else I'd want to do in this company.<br />
<br />
So here I am, trying to get a grip on my own life. My kids are almost all grown, and part of me is frustrated that the last three years have been so much stress, and less focus on them. I've done my best. I didn't want it to have to be way after my kids were out of school for me to get to a better place, but I really can't control that.<br />
<br />
I've done my best with what I have.<br />
<br />
Here I am, now, again. I've been so frustrated with my clothes and how they fit, how I look. I really would like to be at a place where I can get even 20 pounds off. It made a difference in that. Right now getting dressed for work is depressing. Getting dressed for anything is. I hate my belly sticking out. I know it's better when I weigh less. I just have so little time (and energy) to focus on making my eating a priority.<br />
<br />
I've done good the last 3 days (I hit 289, but am back now to 285), but it's a daily struggle. Minute by minute. <br />
<br />
One thing I know for a fact is that I continue to be (unexplainably) exhausted. I do plan on seeing my doctor about it, I do. But a few years ago I did the same thing (did a sleep study, endocrinologist, etc.) and came up with basically nothing. I'm fat. End of story. Life's problems solved if fat is gone.<br />
<br />
Right.<br />
<br />
I know, though, that I can't do much to change this. And I can't really say that I'll ever be below 200 pounds, I just don't know. Not with the lack of energy that I have, I don't think. But I'm working on being at least back to 260. And then we'll go from there.Bonita Gorditahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02211749482909459856noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31508358.post-66886190414821118632015-07-29T17:43:00.001-05:002015-07-29T17:43:47.363-05:00Weigh In: 280 <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-dQxRpljKfPM/VblVu_tZSKI/AAAAAAAAAVM/SySSCPvJqWc/s1600/weight-loss-cartoons-107975.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="269" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-dQxRpljKfPM/VblVu_tZSKI/AAAAAAAAAVM/SySSCPvJqWc/s320/weight-loss-cartoons-107975.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
OK, so I did lose this week. I think some of that might have to do with the fact that I've been feeling so cruddy. So, even though I'm happy, I'm still a bit not feeling all victorious because I know this appetite is coming back. <br />
<br />
Don't get me wrong - I'll take that loss, and hope to make it more. Soon. I did say I wanted to leave July under 280 (I think), but I don't think that will exactly happen.<br />
<br />
Anyway, feeling a bit better. Keep plugging away, I will.Bonita Gorditahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02211749482909459856noreply@blogger.com2