267

I've maintained 269, so I can' mark that as "official" -- but I've also LOST 2 MORE POUNDS!?

Something is just not right. Maybe it is that I so much worry about failing that I figure I will. Maybe I'm so accustomed to getting on the scale and being disappointed when the numbers go up, up, up (or stay the same). I don't know what it is. I'm happy and thrilled, but scared.

I'm 1/2 way to my goal. Wow.

If I can lose the first 70, I should be able to lose 70 more? Right?

I'm not going to worry about that right now. Daily progress, daily battles.

This holiday weekend I had a couple days where I took in too many calories (think fireworks, cheeses, bread, beer...). At least I think I took in too many calories. I didn't count them and I didn't regulate what I had eaten. So I figured it would be one of those weeks where the number either rises or doesn't budge.

At any rate, I'm trying to think of what is helpful to me at this point, and what is facilitating change.

• Journaling my calories. Paying attention to portions. It seems super simplified, and it is. But, for me, it's a true snapshot of how I'm eating, what I'm spending my calories on, and where I could improve. I use sparkpeople.com, but there are many other programs.
• Tracking my exercise. Reality check for me, and often it is motivation. Yesterday I was burning with heat, but still called a friend to meet up at the dog park and take a little walk with the dogs. We walked at a slower pace, for about a mile. But that mile was better than me butt-sitting on the couch. I'm more purposeful in my movement. Cleaning, walking... just to get more burnage of calories in.
• Eating pre-packaged meals. I'm not big on prepared meals. I've compromised because my weight loss is important; they've been a lifesaver for me. So much of my overeating and bad food choices is based on circumstance (busy, tired, can't think up a proper meal). Supplementing a meal a day, especially on the days where I'm down to 300 calories and I need dinner, has helped.

Speaking of movement. I think I have more energy.

My clothes fit much better. I still visualize myself as a 300-pound woman, though, rather than one who is closer to 250 than 300. I know I'm not up at 338 (that was a long time ago). My brain is still having a hard time keeping up with my body changes. My shape is the same, just smaller, which may confuse my brain.

I've gotten a lot more compliments recently. My mother noticed yesterday. My husband keeps telling me that I'm smaller. My kids haven't said anything. It will be interesting to see when/if they do.

In about a month we're supposed to go on a camping/canoe trip. I'm a little nervous. I don't wear shorts. I haven't even tried on my swimsuit. Just recently I wore my first sleeveless shirt. It doesn't make sense to me that at 338 I was resigned to being fat and finally got myself to the point of not caring what anyone else said - I was going to live my life and enjoy it. And now I'm 70 pounds lighter and am concerned about wearing shorts?

Oy.

I'm at the lowest weight I've been at in over 10 years (or more... I can't remember!!!) and I should be enjoying myself, my body and my family and not worrying about these things.

Today I will choose to be happy about where I am, where I've been and the hopeful goal of having to buy new clothes this fall. I can't wait to go down a pant size.