It's Been a While: 285

Today I weighed myself and it was 285.

I wasn't peeled down to my skivvies, my preferred way of weighing, but I wanted to make something "official" and put it over there, and call it a day.

I can't keep telling myself this is transitional and not official.

It's my official weight right now.

As I moved around my day yesterday I thought, I have to document how absolutely crappy I feel right now.

I hate looking in my closet for clothes
Everything feels like it shrunk (though I know it's ME that has grown)
I feel uncomfortable in my own skin - it's really not my clothes
I feel unhealthy... sluggish, slower

It's very strange.  Kind of surreal, to be here again.  I'm feeling a bit baffled and hopeless.

I haven't been eating that bad.  I'm certainly not eating with abandon.

Basically if I want to stay at a certain weight, or lose weight, I have to put a LOT of time and effort into it and deny myself a LOT.

Part of my downfall is that I haven't been able to do that.  I've been stressed, tired, and simply haven't been able to put my time and effort and energy into giving so much focus to my weight-management.  That's the bottom line of things.

Will I have more time now?

What can I do to make time?

My health is important to me.  

At any rate, yesterday I did OK - better.  These few days here I'm putting in odd hours, and things are not predictable.  My new job does not have a refrigerator that I can put my meals in, which is not a big deal when I'm working a part-time day, but when I'm working a full day like I've been lately - it doesn't really work out so well.  There is a cube-sized one there now.  I'm thinking of bringing a larger one simply so I can have that available to me.  We'll see.

I need to get past the next couple weeks without gaining any more weight.  Things will even out for me - although it will still be a challenge (I have to recognize this).  But they will settle into a routine.

I don't like how I feel, and I don't like food more than the feeling of fitting into my own clothes, and looking in a closet without wanting to rip my own skin off.  This is nothing new.  I've been in this spot with the same feelings.  But now I need to remember how this feels, and charge towards it again.

I'm excited to get there again.

283

I don't really want to talk about my weight.  I'm sick of it.  I'm sick of working on it, thinking about it, and dealing with it.

I wish I could wake up tomorrow and have gastric bypass surgery.

I have a few friends that have had it and they all look great.

They are all living life.

I am. Sort of.

I did get another job.  Very part-time.  I guess I should be happy.  I don't know what I want, which doesn't help.  This gives me the flexibility to figure that out while still providing a bit of cash to the flow, I suppose.

I'm semi-excited.  All in all it's probably the best.  I'm so blessed in that area, yet I seem to snub my nose at it.  I've been off for a bit and it's been nice.  It wasn't really enough time, though.  I was hoping to leave town, visit family, do some things I've been wanting to do for a while.  It's not going to happen though.  New job starts.  Even if it's part-time, it's a new job, and it's exhausting.  But I did get to a good point last year with my old job where I was able to find some time for me, get a routine, and pay more attention to taking care of myself.

Right now I'm just trying to hit 8000 steps on my tracker. That's about it.  My weight remains a dismal 283.  Last year this time I was 30 pounds lighter.  I just need to have the scale start winding back that way.  10 pounds I'd feel better. Ten stinking pounds.

It's amazing how hard that is!


Day By Day

I don't know what's happening to me.

I quit my job.  It was hard and liberating at the same time.  It will put financial burdens on us.  Period.  I couldn't hold out any longer.  Every day I woke miserable and every night I dreaded the next day.  Maybe a lot of people feel like that?

It's not one of those things where I'm "lucky I can quit my job."  It's going to suck.  It already does.  Life is uncertain, I will have to throw myself into interviewing.  Again.

I wish I knew what it all was.

I wish I could find someone to talk to that would help me figure it out.  I don't think I'm doing very well.

I looked back at my posts and last year June when my job started to look sketchy.  Then they told me I might not have a job.  Then I had to really start looking.

Then I had a moment's peace, thinking maybe I'd explore something else - write a book, do something, and try to make something positive of it.

And then I got offered the full-time job of my dreams, and life was busy and fast and I took the job.

And nearly a year later I'm miserable and jobless.

And... you know what?  I'm sitting here at home by myself, having a pity party.  What the heck IS that?

I went back and read my old posts.  I was going along well.  I was in shape better than I have been in 20 years, looking and feeling good.

I hit a BUMP with my job.  That's it.  Grand scheme of things - I tried it, it didn't work.  I need to MOVE on, not run it over in my head so much, and take it as it comes and have FAITH that God is on my side. He has good things in store for me.

Period.

I can't sit here and dwell on this for hours at a time.  Maybe I need to go see someone and talk it out.  Then I do it.  Whatever the rate - I'm done.  I quit --which I've wanted to do for months-- I should rejoice and take advantage of it, instead of sitting here feeling crappy about it.

Yes.

I Think I'm Going To Quit My Job

I said it.  I know I have to, I just don't know how or when.  I know that, optimally, it would be nice to do it and have a break.  Maybe a month.  It would be hard (financially), but I think that's where I'm at mentally and emotionally.  If I don't do it soon I might have a nervous breakdown.

It's hard because I sincerely love it.  I'm proud of what I do, I do a good job, and I enjoy it.  I add value to the workplace.

But my reasons for needing a change are larger than my reasons for staying.  They mean more to me.

I hope that I don't look back and regret it, but I don't think I will.  I regret the time I would have away from my family for the next few years, and that is time I will never get back.  I don't need to be with them every second, but I do want to be there for the milestones, the dinners.  The long run, if I can.  There will be time in my life, I suppose, for a full-time job, or one that takes more of me than my off-time life - but now isn't the time.

It's going to take strength in me to do this.

On another note, I haven't lost any weight since the beginning of the month.  It started out looking promising, but I'm no better off half-way through.  I'm disappointed.  Frustrated.  I'm starting to get depressed, wanting to just curl up in a ball and not move for a long, long time.

I don't know if a shift in schedule (my job) will be what I need.  I really don't.

Decent Week

This week (well starting July 1st) I was able to track all of my food with about 95% accuracy.  I'm happy with that.  It's a step in the right direction.  I didn't do perfect on my eating, but I did better.  I also did better on my movement.

This is good.  I feel better about things.

One thing that helped, I have to admit, is my short week.  I worked Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and then had off Friday - Monday.

Another "nail in the coffin" for me at my current job.  I need to get out of there as soon as possible.  My husband would be Ok with me quitting tomorrow, if that's what I said I wanted to do.  But I really would like to have something lined up.  I hope I don't regret not quitting now.  I'll see.

We did a lot this weekend.  Things I haven't been able to muster up the energy to do since I started working. I slept in for FOUR DAYS.  We went out walking almost every day - not always a "fitness walk" but just outside, doing things, rather than sitting at home all day exhausted.  It felt really good.

I Am Back To Where I Was

I weighed in at 280.

I feel sluggish, unhappy, and like I am going to keel over from a heart attack.  No joke.

Each day I say it will be different, and each day it is not different.

My clothes don't fit.

I don't know what to say.

I had a LONG talk with a good friend, and she told me to quit my job.  Tomorrow.  She said put in your notice and don't look back.

I wish I were that strong!

Just the thought of it and I felt recharged.  Free.  Like a burden was lifted.

I looked through the job listings again, and found one that I am going to apply for.  Nothing is as powerful, exciting, and fun as the one I have, but none of them require the amount of driving and time, either.

I just simply can't take care of me, a family, and be the front face of a large organization.  I have to just admit that and let it go and allow myself to be important enough for that to be OK.

I felt SO good 30 pounds ago.  Gaining all that in one year is not healthy.  Truly I've gained most of it int the last few months where I've been the most miserable.

Please, Lord, give me the strength to do better.

I'm Not Cut Out For Full-time Work

I'm conscious of where I'm at. If I weren't, I think I'd be back where I started.

But I'm about 10 pounds back up from where I figure my "good weight" is (260).

I'm 20 pounds up from where I was, though.

It's hard to accept that my focus has gone in other places, and my health takes a back seat. It's hard for me to wrap my brain around it. I don't know how long it takes to adjust to a new job? For me? Probably forever.

I'm a complicated person. I realize this. I feel like I have personal stuff to get in order, but life keeps happening, so personal stuff doesn't get in order.

But maybe it never does.

So, my new job - I have a love/hate relationship with it. Fancy that!!! Me?! Yes.

I love the work, the feeling of helping people, being helpful, and being in my element. But I hate that it consumes my life, and that my world, 80% of it, all revolves around WORK.

From 5am, to 5pm it's work. I'm either there, or planning to be there.

Get up, get ready, go, work, come home, unpack, pack for the next day, lay out clothes, try to come down from the day.

REPEAT.

It's taken its toll on me, and I'm miserable.

It's a weird misery.

I feel useful and valuable (at work), but I'm worthless in the areas that are important to me (my home life).

The most important - to me - is the home life.

I can be replaced at work. I can't be replaced at home.

I only have a few years until my kids are all out of the house. Though they need me less than they used to, they don't need me tired, ornery, and useless.

I feel caught. I've got a fantastic job (I really do - I landed a job in my niche with a great company), which is why I didn't turn it down. But it was more than I wanted - which is why I'm regretting it.

I pray that it's not all for naught, and that God will send something my way. I really do. I don't care about how hokey that sounds. I'm hanging on by a thread daily. I feel regret, embarrassment, fear, when I think of moving on from this position. But I also feel trapped by where I am.

I don't want this to be me.  I want to continue taking care of myself and the people around me. I want to figure things out. I'm 40. I'm on the top of the hill riding down and I don't think I'll have myself or the world figured out in the next 20 years, but I dn't want to look back and wonder where they all went, either.