Post Weigh In Droppage

Out of a whim, I got on the scale this morning:  285

Interesting.  I'd love to change my official weigh-in to that number, but I'm going to wait and hope and pray it sticks (or drops even more) by next Wednesday.  Motivation.

It was an exciting number to see, but I'll be nervous a bit until it's official.

Strangely, my husband asked me if I'd lost weight.  It makes no sense because weight loss doesn't show up on a fat person that quickly.  I think he might have been trying to make me feel good.  I don't really care either way - I know my pants feel a little better.  Maybe it's wheat bloat.  What will be good is if I can keep that number or drop by next week because, right now, I don't feel like how I've been eating is unmanageable in the long run.  My bigger fear is that it's not enough and I'd have to drop even more, which I'm not sure would be manageable.

So I'm going to work on continuing a similar course of action and see what the next week brings me.  I've also been going through my food journals from a few years back to see what my patterns were.


Weigh In: 287 (Week 4 and n/c)

I don't know if I should laugh or cry?!

Week 4, same weight, no change.  I've DEFINITELY taken in less calories, people.  I've definitely changed my carb/fat ratio.  I could have done NOTHING and been where I am.

The upside is that I have felt better.  That's for sure.  Except for the past three days.  I really haven't done anything different, but I noticed that my energy was down, and my mood was kind of sucky.  I don't know if it is hormones - I'm on the other side of my period - or just  coincidence.

Who knows.  Hard to say.  I don't really know what exactly to change, or how to get my body to release some of this weight, though.  It's very frustrating.  But, I'm still not giving up.

One thing I definitely feel is hungry.  I don't want to eat, but my body is constantly telling me to.  I can finish eating a salad and it will growl, and I feel like I need something.  So maybe there is something I'm just not doing right (not enough fat, or not hitting the right nutrition combo).  Either way, it might be out of my reach right now.  I've just got too much to do, and not enough time to sit and micro-analyze my nutrients.

Last time I lost significant amount of weight I had to put enormous amounts of time into myself - something I just flat out don't have.

Weigh In: 287 (Week 3 and n/c)

It always frustrates me when someone is waiting for me when I come into work.  I usually try to get to work a half hour early just to get settled, get my tea -- just get ready for the day.  And sometimes there's a person just standing there.   Waiting.

What I want to do is point to the sign indicating the office's hours, walk past, and shut the door.  I'm not getting paid during that time.  That's MY time.  I need it.  I come early to have it.  The worst is my boss shares an office with me, and sometimes I get things thrown at me the second I walk in the door.  "When I get settled." I try to say - hint, hint.  It works some of the time.

I just know I need that time.  I know it about myself.  But I can't make the world understand this.  Anyway.  This was on my mind this morning.

MY WEIGH IN SUCKS!!!!!

Son of a biscuit, I can't believe it.  Literally on week 3 of tracking my food and that scale isn't budging at all.  It's really hard not to just give in and be this:



I knew it was coming because I weigh myself almost daily.  It's seriously nuts.  I KNOW I've been eating less than normal.  I know it.  I've been consciously moving more and eating less, and it's been going on three weeks and nothing has changed.  I just need to document that.  'Cause I actually go back and read this stuff sometimes.

I have no idea why the scale hasn't changed.

My eating has been lower carb.  This past week it's been under 100 carbs.  I literally can't drop my calories any more than I have.  To maintain my weight it tells me I need to eat under 2700 calories (I'm a big girl).  I don't think I've eaten 2700 calories in 3 weeks (maybe one day I did?).  I surely haven't this pas week, and I've been moving a lot more.

And nada.

Not to mention I'm starving.  That's frustrating, but I'm literally starving many of the days.

Here's the interesting part - I feel better.  Maybe it's cutting out the sugars, breads, wheats?  Maybe it's other things?  But I feel better, my attitude has been better.  I have no idea what it is, but I like that.

But, I really need to lose weight.  I really need to have my clothes feel better.  I've been focusing so much on this tracking/eating thing, it's SO frustrating to have the needle stay the same.  I could be not focusing on it, eating what I want, and have the needle stay the same.  I mean, that's what I've been doing for the last how long?!

I'm not giving up, but I can't lie and say that it's not disheartening.  How can I plateau right now?

Weigh In: 287



It is highly frustrating to be intentional and have it not show up on the scale.  Especially during the first part of being intentional.  Sub the word "intentional" for "diet" and you'll understand.

I tracked calories.
I walked.
I paid attention and ate better.

And the needle remains the same.

OY.  Surriously?!

But, I'll admit, I wasn't trying to drop my calories below 2000 (which I need to do).  I was just trying to pay attention and track calories, and walk more.  Mission accomplished.  What doesn't show up on the scale is that I felt decent this past week.

So my next step in my mission would to pay better attention to that.  To feel better.  To be healthier.

I'm using this calculator again, and following these guidelines for a lower carb, but not ketogenic way of eating for the week, and see how I feel.


This past week I was so hungry most of the time, so we'll see how I feel using this.  I need to drop breadcrumbs or I forget what I've done.


New Day - Try Something New

A million times, I "Start Again."

Two of my very good friends have lost some weight.  Seeing the change in them reminds me of where I've been.  It wasn't long ago that I was hearing, "You look smaller!" or "You look great!" and "What are you doing?!"

I miss that.

I miss how I felt.

It's been a long haul moving from job to job the last few years.  Stress, stress, stress.  Everything kind of hit a head at the same time, plateau, job loss, job search, new job (hated it - consumed me), job search, job get (horrific co-worker, new I'd have to suffer through the year and transfer), job search, job get.

My current job is decent.  It's in the department I initially applied for years ago.  Twice!  But it's all-consuming, too.  There's no time to relax, from the second you strap yourself in your work chair, you're go, go, GO! until it's time to leave, and then I'm almost running out the door before someone can ask much more of me.

With all of these changes, it's been difficult to continue the focus on myself.  But, I have to.  And, honestly, if that means I have to find another job, it means it.

My kids are almost grown.  They have one more year of high-school. I'm so frustrated that the last 3 years of my life have been pretty miserable.  I've been so stressed out, so haggard, so much living on a day to day.  That's not living.  That's waiting to die.  Waiting to get old enough.   That's not me.

Well, partly it IS me.  It's who I am.  I only have so much in the tank. If I put in an exhausting day at work, I'm in a vegetative state.  I don't have much left for anything else. I have to ask myself if this is what I want, what I can tolerate, if I'm living enough life - or if I need to make a switch.

I don't know yet.

What I do know is that, for the last week, instead of trying to put solid meals on the table, my focus was (purposely) shifted to counting calories.  To paying attention.  To taking a couple walks.  Nothing major.   If I can manage to find a balance, that would be nice.

I haven't made a real dent in my weight, but this was one of the first weekends I didn't spike up to 289.

I'm just going to try for a bit.

On another note, I got an airplant.  I haven't had one before.  Mine looks like the one in the top left-hand picture.  I haven't figured out where exactly to put it yet.


I Wish I Were Addicted To Heroin

I wish I were addicted to heroin.
Cocaine.
Crack.
Meth.
Weed.
Liquor.
Anything.

Food addiction is the WORST.

I quit cigarettes cold turkey.
But none is none.  I just don't smoke any more.

I have to eat every single day.
Every evening when I get home from work the agony sets in.
What am I going to pack for lunch tomorrow?

I would rather never eat.
I have to eat, or I die.

I can live without heroin, crack, coke, meth, weed, liquor, Xanax.

I can't live without food.

Tell a drug addict that they have to responsibly use their drug of choice.  A little a day, but DO NOT go overboard.

Good luck.  See you in the morgue.

Nobody will ever get this.  Nobody.
There's a different between being fat, and having a physical/mental addiction to food.

I don't have cases of Mountain Dew or Ho-Hos, or anything else to omit.
I eat healthy.
I choose wisely.

The older I get the harder it is to lose.
And so I stay the same because I can't just quit my job and focus on myself.

Sappy-sap-sap-sap-sappy.
Daily I struggle.  Daily.  Minute.  Hours.

I hate it.

Staying The Same

New Year.



I don't see last year as a failure.  Though it's frustrating to start 2016 in relatively the same weight class as I did 2015, and 2014, I can be somewhat satisfied that I didn't start it at 338.  I've been there.  It's not pretty.

But I want to go back to 2013, where things were better.

The last 3 years has been a whirlwind.  Mostly for ME specifically.  I've had THREE jobs in THREE years.  When I was able to get some consistency of time for myself and get my weight down, I was working part-time, in a job I'd had for years.  It was great (for that piece).  It wasn't so great for our checkbook, but it was great for me.

When that job folded, I had to get out and find another one, and worked on breaking into a company that I'd tried to for years.  I tried twice for my preferred position in the company, but didn't get the job either time.  I landed one job (different position), worked there (super stressful).  Quit that after a year.  I found another (very dysfunctional, toxic environment); quite that.  Now  I am finally at the place and position I wanted to be in this company.  It's still more hours and more stress than I really want in a job.  But there's nothing else I'd want to do in this company.

So here I am, trying to get a grip on my own life.  My kids are almost all grown, and part of me is frustrated that the last three years have been so much stress, and less focus on them.  I've done my best.  I didn't want it to have to be way after my kids were out of school for me to get to a better place, but I really can't control that.

I've done my best with what I have.

Here I am, now, again.  I've been so frustrated with my clothes and how they fit, how I look.  I really would like to be at a place where I can get even 20 pounds off.  It made a difference in that.  Right now getting dressed for work is depressing.  Getting dressed for anything is.  I hate my belly sticking out.  I know it's better when I weigh less.  I just have so little time (and energy) to focus on making my eating a priority.

I've done good the last 3 days (I hit 289, but am back now to 285), but it's a daily struggle.  Minute by minute.

One thing I know for a fact is that I continue to be (unexplainably) exhausted.  I do plan on seeing my doctor about it, I do.  But a few years ago I did the same thing (did a sleep study, endocrinologist, etc.) and came up with basically nothing.  I'm fat.  End of story.  Life's problems solved if fat is gone.

Right.

I know, though, that I can't do much to change this.  And I can't really say that I'll ever be below 200 pounds, I just don't know.  Not with the lack of energy that I have, I don't think.  But I'm working on being at least back to 260.  And then we'll go from there.