I Hate It

Not much has changed, weight-wise. So I won't talk too much about that. I've stayed around 255 pounds, give or take (more give than take). I'm eating OK, but have had some slips.

What's been terribly difficult for me is this work week.
I get up and go to work and it's just getting light out,
I come home and it's just getting dark out.

I take my work clothes off.
I pick out my clothes for the next day.

I unpack the carcass of my lunch.
I scrape through the fridge to pack a lunch for the next day.

I eat.
I get ready for bed around eight. I try to sleep.

The first few weeks, all that ran through my head was work, work. Stress dreams, waking up in the middle of the night. I was so tired. So very tired. It got better, and I don't have that so much anymore. But I am tired. I'm falling behind. I have no time for anything.

You know how it is, Friday's wasted - Saturday I usually have something to do, and Sunday I'm already getting back to work.

After being a stay at home mom for so long, and then working part-time (but my emphasis was really on being at home, and not at work), this is quite a drastic change.

I like my job, but I wish it required way less time out of my life. The things that are important to me (cooking, cleaning, taking care of my children and my family), all fall to the wayside.

It's disappointing. I don't really want to admit it because it's not necessarily the mainstream thoughts or feelings.

The majority of my day I spend at work.
I like it OK, but it isn't fulfilling. Actually I like it. It's right up my alley. But it isn't fulfilling. I come home and I have bills, dinner, planning, cleaning, and I have to ignore the majority of it.

I hate it.

And I have nobody to talk about it to. I've isolated myself with my husband as my friend an confident, and it's not enough, and it's not working.

So here's my prayer:
I don't think God would have brought me here to torture me. I believe he has something good on my horizon with this job. I believe that things will get better, I will be useful, I might make some new friends, or find a purpose in my position.

My prayer is for things to be be better at my job.
My prayer is for less fatigue so I can be a better mother.
My prayer is for my husband to help out around the house. I can't bear all of this alone.

My prayer is for God to hear my prayers.

Life Update - Weigh In

Hello. Just doing a quick check-in.

The most important: my weight.

254 was the last registered weight. That's fine by me. I mean, yeah, I'd rather lose, but I'm very thankful that I'm not gaining because I could jolly well be doing that since I feel like I'm not paying much attention to what I'm eating and I've had more beer than anyone should be allowed on a "low carb" way of eating.

I'm a few days into my new job. I'm tired, yes. But I'm also excited to be doing something different. I don't really feel like I'm working sometimes - but it is a very busy job, and there are times where I feel like I'm completely screwing up constantly. I'm not accustomed to having a line of people to see me, but I'll have to get used to it I guess.

So far I've had help/someone training me. Now I'm on my own.

My days start earlier than I'd like (I'm so NOT a morning person). I guess the alternative would be me working until 6pm. I don't want to do that, either. Trade offs.

So far I haven't really missed out on anything but sleep and watching Netflix. But I'm only a few days in. The paycheck will be helpful, surely.

My eating is a pain. My other job was 5hrs per day (the new one is 8), and I was able to get a breakfast in, and any lunch I wanted. This one I have a break, but it's still very busy, and my prep-times are much smaller. So I worry a bit about making lunches/snacks 5 days a week and having them be low carb appropriate, but I'll try to take it day by day and not fret too much over it. That just makes things worse.

Hope everyone out there is doing well. I regret I'm unable to be doing my blog surfing like I used to. I'm accustomed to a pretty cush life of having days at home, and being able to be online at my old job (not really surfing blogs, but Facebook, email, etc.).

A New Job

I haven't posted in a while, but I don't think anyone's noticed. It's been so quiet lately.

I've been hanging in there "maintaining" within 5 pounds. But I feel fatter, and less happy in my clothing. Maybe that's a good thing. I'm hoping that I can continue to lose some weight over the next few months. Twenty pounds and I would feel so much better in my clothes, my skin, I think.

But I'm definitely concerned because I have not been able to break the 250s (I'm 255 right now). I can't imagine dropping my calories lower right now, either. We'll see.

Again, I'm hoping my body has reset itself at 250 (instead of 290), and that I can break this number soon.

Beyond my weight, I've been enjoying myself, going to the kid's games, out at social events. I love fall, the colors, the changes... but I'm a bit sentimental at how quickly things are changing, the kids are growing up. It's brought out a lot of emotions in me.

I got the job, well one of the jobs. It is a change from part time to full time. I'm nervous at that. It will take up more of my life. I'm not so much a "career person" but more of a homemaker who likes to have a small job on the side. This will change things. However, the job I am taking is in a field that I've wanted to break into for the past 5 years and haven't been able to. So, as much as there are some discomforts about it, it could be a launching pad for me.

Exciting, nervous, sad.

I'm mourning my time that I have. Right now I have days off when the kids are in school and I'm at home. I get a lot done on those days, cooking, meal-planning. That's all going to go away. Right now I'm home when they get home from school. That will all go away too. For the first time in my life my husband will get home before me. I'm abnormally envious of that.

I question if I'm giving up too much, chasing something that isn't for me. But I also know we need the money.

So there's lots of feeling surrounding it. My excitement at leaving the job I'm at now --where I love the people but hate the system-- almost trumps my fears and concerns about what I'm taking on.

We'll see.

Waiting Is Hard Work

Applying for a job is almost a job in itself.

I've tweaked my resume so many times I don't even know if it's any good because it all looks like gibberish to me now. The last two weeks have been me, in my spare time, spending every waking moment worrying about two jobs. One I've interviewed twice for, and am simply waiting to hear if they will choose me or someone else. The other I've applied for, but the deadline isn't closed yet.

I have prayed over this situation a million times. I'm still stressing.

I don't know why I'm stressing so much. I think some of it is that I put myself out there, and if they reject me, I'll feel personally about it. I'm just as nervous about a rejection as I am about a job offer. The job offer would significantly change my life.

Change it.

That's kind of scary right there.

A rejection would wound my ego. Not exactly life-changing, but a blow.

The not knowing is the worst. Waiting. Contemplating. I'm learning how much of a brooder, worrier I am. I called my mom today and she said I was overthinking.

Really?! How uncommon for me. *rolleyes*

I've literally been at a life stall for two weeks because of this silly job. My mind is racing a million miles a minute. I'm anxious. I'm on pins and needles. I hate it. I hate this about myself. My anxiety, my worries, my constantly turning mind. I wish I could set things aside more.

I haven't really gained weight, but I haven't lost. I thought I should mention that. I'm eating pretty good, but exercise has been minimal, and calorie tracking... sloppy.

But I'm still hanging in there. I want to hear from this job, and the other - and then I need to move on. I desperately need a change in my work. I'm stale, I'm bored, I'm lonely.

Stepping Out Of My Comfort Zone

Hi. I'm fine.

I survived PMS. Actually, I survived it well. My medicine was prayer and conversations with God.

I was also completely wrapped up in preparing and interviewing for a new job. It's a crazy feeling - exciting and maddeningly frightening - I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm part-time. The position is full-time. BIG change for me. But could positively impact our finances.

I went to the interview this week, and got asked back for a 2nd one. I'm nervous. Super nervous. I have the weekend to think about it, but really - it's out of my hands now. They like me, or they wouldn't have asked me back. I'm POSITIVE I could contribute well to their business. I hope I can convey that.

Needless to say my mind has been less on my eating, and more on my life, and just keeping afloat.

This is the busiest time at my work. Today I had to rush straight from work to take a skills test for this job opportunity. Wouldn't you know it - crisis, 3 minutes before I need to leave. I was assertive, and gracious, and left the concerns behind me as much as possible. I have a hard time saying "no" and felt good about myself for doing it this time.

But I'll be honest - by the time I took that test today, my brain was fried. Literally. So I'm not feeling great about how I did.

There's 2 jobs I'm applying for, and really wanting. I like this one for certain reasons, and there's another I've applied but haven't interviewed for. The later one is the one I might actually prefer, but I've really been praying to be led and content with what happens.

So, unfortunately on the losing weight front I've made no progress, but on the life - and stepping out of my own safety zone - I'm making HUGE progress. That is something I can be super proud of!

Non Scale Victories Are The Bomb

It's the weekend. I'm relieved to not be working. It has been a rough week. Always busy at work this time of year.

While I was at work I got a call for an interview, by the way. I was SO happy. I felt a little like I was whispering to my secret lover or something, but I was so happy to get an interview. I don't interview well at all, but just to get my foot in the door.

But that's not why I'm writing. I'm writing because of something that happened twice now, and they were non-scale victories. I don't have many scale victories right now (unless you count staying within 5 pounds is a good thing). Actually I'll take it.

But I'm in a size 24 pants? I guess? I was 26/28 a year ago. I would be excited, but I'm honestly thinking that sizes are more generous. I can't believe that. I feel more bloated in my belly. Here's the digs, though:

  • I went to Goodwill (my resource for shopping since I'm changing sizes), and tried on size 24 and they fit. Size 26 was too big. It was weird.

  • I went to the store today and couldn't remember what size I was. They only went up to 24. I grabbed them and took them to the room. They were those skinny jeans that taper all the way down the leg. They FIT. They were actually loose in the leg. I'm an apple, so I'm big in the middle and skinny on the legs. I chose 2 pairs to take with me.

  • My pajama pants keep slipping off me. One pair I can't keep on, but another slipped off last night. Crazy?

Last year this time, that scenario would have ended with me unable to fit in those pants, sulking, picking up a Snickers, and jetting out of the store. If, at this time next year, I can be down another 40 pounds, I will be THRILLED.

I have to start being so hard on myself, and start focusing on what I've done, how far I've come, and what that means for the potential to go even farther.


I did it again.

I feel bad for anyone who has to share space with me today. Me and my gas. I feel myself rearing up on that monthly friend and the cravings were intense. It's weird, how the body works. I have to put my willpower in check here, and ask it to man up, though. Period is no excuse.

The shame is, that, for each of those three candies I've consumed - I've drank a glass of wine.


Yeah. I said that. I'm being honest because it's either that - or you don't hear from me.

I need to look at what is driving this.

HORMONES. For sure. Undoubtedly. I could ignore that, but hormones have caused women to murder their own children. I can't do anything about the hormones directly, I guess. I can take the prozac (I didn't this month), but prozac isn't a hormone. It's an SSRI. I wish they could make an anti/pro hormone pill that works similarly. I've taken progesterone, and it magnified my issues. I've accepted... well, I'm accepting this is an issue for me and I need to figure out how to work around it.  I'm not sure if holing up with a bottle of wine and a bag of Russell Stover is the way to go.

Or is it?

STRESS. That's another one. Although, I've recognized that and am trying to deal with it better. Today was a rough day at work. My boss was not in the office, but she barked at me through email like a nagging disease, constantly sending me commands. I typed up a manuscript that she wanted done, completely formatted it - and then she sent me her "revised, updated version" even though it was past the deadline for such things. I was passive aggressive and pretended I didn't get the email until about 45 minutes before I had to leave. I know that's not right, and it's not helpful. I used to be so direct with people, and now I fail to do so.

I worry about feelings, consequences, and what people think of me. If you asked anyone I know, they would not identify that as a concern with me, but I think it's something I inherited from my mother, and you know the older you get the more that stuff starts to creep out? Well, there it is. I'm becoming her, and I really don't like it. Love her, but celebrate our differences.

Whoa. This third glass of wine isn't going down so easy. And I'm not craving the candy anymore. I think I've hit my wall. I've got a million and one things to do, too (dinner, laundry, checkbook balancing, bill-paying)... but I wanted to check in here and keep myself accountable.

I'm still under calories, by the way. And instead of indulging food-wise, I ate a huge tomato salad with homemade ranch dressing. If I can balance it, I'll go for a walk tonight. All is not lost.