254.6

Two pounds down. Interesting.
Kind of humbled because I was ready to start whining about how frustrating it is when hard work doesn't pay off on the scale, and then Mr. Scale shoves that right back in my face.

I was completely prepared, although ready to revolt, for another 256/257 weigh in today. I was scared because I can't seem to figure things out, or get results from what I feel like is hard work.

The past week has gone OK, but I have been dealing with some old issues and cravings. Like I said in the post a couple days ago, I drank too much on Friday night. Or I ate too little. Combo of both. We had Mother's Day. I didn't go too crazy, but I did "splurge" and get these:

It was a compromise between eating the sugary version, the sugar free version, or nothing - and letting my cravings run wild. Have I told you I've had cravings? It's been kind of a scary week. So, I settled on those babies and ate 3 of them. My boys ate the other ones. It hit the spot.

I don't miss too much right now as far as food goes, but I also know that I'm going to be losing for a while, and then trying to maintain. I can't get stuck in the rut of being militant about things to the point of failure, which is kind of my tendency. I need to find that sweet spot happy medium.

For the record, the past few days I really ramped up a couple things:

• Fat intake (adding coconut oil to my coffee, along with the cream, 2x per day). Remember I'm doing a Low Carb, High Fat way of eating (more on that in another post). My calories have bumped up a bit to between 1800 and 2000, and my fat intake has been about 160, carbs less than 70g. When I factor in fiber, it's been less than 50g per day.*

• Water intake (shooting for at least 64oz. - I'd like to up it from there). When I feel thirsty, I know I haven't given myself enough water. I feel thirsty often. 8-8oz. glasses of water really isn't cutting it, and is my bare minimum. Oftentimes I don't hit that mark. I'm really working to exceed that daily.

• Movement/exercise (just ramped it up a bit - have slacked off). I normally shoot for 3-20min. walks per week or 3 miles. I want to, in the end, be more active than that, though. With my sedentary job, I think I need to fit in more exercise. I'm not running or doing anything like that at this time, but shaking it up a bit. I could do 3-20min. walks when I was 330 pounds. I should be able to do more than that, now.

*One thing I notice about this Holy Grail of Fat/Water/Movement - my skin. I think it's mostly the fat and water, but it feels so much better. When I started upping my fat I noticed that my skin almost felt like it had a protective layer on it when I shower. It's great.

I don't know if that kick-started things for me, or the combination, but I'm happy to have been able to lose a bit again. Still shooting for getting below 250 this month. I know I shouldn't have my goals married so directly to the scale, but I also know that I don't want to hang out here forever. The longer I hang out here, the more I've been feeling like my body is inclined to start pushing upwards again. It settled so nicely in that 265 zone that I feel it pulling back there again. I want to get far away from that and reset my "meter" again, God willing!

My FitBit is helping a bit, though it's only been a couple days. I like that it tracks my steps, though I don't think it is the most accurate, but it is still another tool for me. I'm definitely below that 10,000 step range. This morning I got up and did a 2-mile Walk Away The Pounds and got some steps in right off the bat, but it registered me as doing 1.5 miles. A little frustrating.

Summed up - today was a good weigh-in day. They aren't always good, as we all know.

I Bought A FitBit Zip

I bought Fitbit Zip. I've used it for a day, and so far find it interesting. It will take a bit getting used to (last night I fell asleep with it pinned to my shirt), but I really don't notice that it's there.

Anyone else have one?

I Could Go Either Way

I'm at one of those resting points again (mentally).

I could go either way.

Up, or down.

I'm working on down, but I'm in the mental mode of visioning.

At the beginning of 2013 I was 272 pounds.

I hope by the middle of this year (June) I can be 252 pounds. I don't know if it is likely, because the pounds are having a hard time getting off again. But I'm very close. So close I can start to fantasize about it. With the way the past few weeks have gone, though, it feels like it is draaaaaaaaaaging and each pound is a miracle.

My old me starts wondering why I'm sacrificing so much for a couple pounds. I have to fight that old me away with a stick. Get back!

When my head starts those games, I have to tell it that if I keep going, I could leave the year 20 pounds heavier, or 20 pounds lighter (I've written about this before). I don't want to keep yo-yoing. The reality is I don't want to be in my 250s for life, or my 270s. So, sure, I could go back up - but eventually I'll want to get back down. It's getting harder and harder to re-lose weight. -- Or to lose it PERIOD.

I can see from some of the blogs I go to - people losing 100 pounds in a year. It just isn't me. I'd love it, but it isn't me. I have to work with what I have, as frustrating as it is.

I have to start envisioning myself 20 pounds down the line - a place where I haven't been in as long as I can remember. That would put me at 100 pounds down, which is a HUGE GOAL OF MINE. It's almost like a lottery win, because there's a part of me that feels it is unattainable. That the hard of it will be too hard.

There's no reason I can't do it, even slow and steady.

For two months now I've been eating lower carb.

In those two months I've lost 9 pounds.

Do you know some people drop that in a week of doing low carb? Oy.

I'm thrilled to have lost the weight that seemed like it was going nowhere, but I'm frustrated that it takes so long for me. It is hard not to look at those "100 pounds in a year" people and be envious, comparing myself to them a little bit. I read Escape from Obesity the other day and her continued fight to keep/drop weight, and the calorie restrictions she has - and it still isn't coming off. I know that frustration. I can't help but be concerned that if/when I hit below 200, at what cost would that be?

At what calorie restriction would I have to put myself at to be able to hold a semi-reasonable weight?

For me, it might end up being worth it to be a porker and eat more freely. It just might. I don't know, but even the difference between 250 and 290 is pretty contrasted for me. It's the quality of life that comes into play, though.

My guess is once/if I can get down about 50 more pounds, I will have to incorporate a higher level of activity to my life on a continual basis. Right now I can't seem to do that without stalling my weight loss - but maybe in time it will become part of maintenance for me.

I hope that, at this time next year, I am riding the waves of 200 or below... I have to look at the bigger picture, even if things are slow. I have to remember where I could be if I would have stuck with things longer than 9 months. If I would have lost or maintained instead of re-gaining and re-losing. That 30 pounds I've dumped and found over and over could have been 90 pounds of loss, putting me at 210 pounds. Same work, difference outcomes.

My goals for this week:

3x exercise
1 pound weight loss
enjoy myself
Metformin?

Weigh in on Wednesday! See you then.

Oops I Drank Too Much And Ate Too Little

I haven't craved bread much since I cut it out, up until recently.

In fact, over the past week, I've been slacking. Things got busy, I wasn't paying as much attention, and I'd end up with a fridge full of milk, eggs and air, and I'd be at a loss for what to eat. Not good.

Taking care of yourself takes time. Eating any kind of "diet" takes time to think, to prepare.

Which is when I feel like I might slip.

I had a girl's night this past weekend. She made Chinese food. Not very low carb friendly. I had wine (my chosen carb), and ate a couple veggies she had sitting out. I took some sweet and sour chicken (even though I was pretty sure that there was sugar in the sauce, and it was the most sugar I've eaten in weeks). I skipped the dessert and ate a couple strawberries.

I drank a couple more glasses of wine.

By about 11pm, I felt sick as a dog. I'm pretty sure I didn't eat enough, and on top of that I drank more than I normally do. My body was revolting. Unaccustomed to the carbs and alcohol, I felt like I was going to puke in my own shoes. I cut the evening short with friends, and we headed home. I drank a glass of water and a glass of almond coconut milk. I felt horrid. I wanted to eat, but was too nauseous to do it. I took a bit of coconut oil. I went to bed.

I woke up feeling OK, but had some more water and coconut oil. I went back to sleep.

I woke up later feeling fine, but regretting the night before.

I was ill-prepared. I should have brought some sparkling water to mix with my wine, and some food to eat so I'd be sure to have something (I did bring pistachios, but that wasn't enough). I could have skipped the wine, too, but I didn't want to. I paid the price.

I don't feel too deprived. More, I get irritated at having to think, prepare, and am a little bored with what I'm eating (but some of that is laziness). I also get frustrated when my weight hangs and doesn't go down (or goes up) after days of doing good.

There's days where I don't want to pay attention, and maybe that's part of the reason I got as fat as I did. Laziness, and not paying attention. It's easier to eat what you want when you want, and not care about what's in it, how many calories/carbs, not weigh your food.

Choose your hard.

I see that all the time, in reference to sports, weight, and life.

Choose your hard.

It's easy to pile whatever I want into my mouth.
It's hard to be fat.
It's easier to fit in my clothes, having lost some weight.

It's hard to pay so much attention to what I eat.

It's hard to lose an maintain weight.

It's hard to be fat.

They are almost an equal hard, but the choice is clear.

Men Stare At You More When You Lose Weight

If my weight keeps careening upwards, next week you're going to see me running for the hills.

I've done well all week. There's no reason why I should be hitting close to 258 right now.

I'm hoping that next week I will weigh in and can look back to this entry and say, I always freak out needlessly. I really, really do.

I'm afraid I'm getting stuck again. My body likes to hang out for a while before it drops anything. This past week it has been hanging. I mean, come on.

I have been tired this past week, though, and not getting enough sleep, which definitely can be contributing. Other than that I feel good. My clothes feel good. I'm hanging in there. Today I stopped at Costco and loaded up on chicken patties, bacon, cheese, eggs, kale, rotisserie chicken... things like that. Nothing sexy, but my fridge is way fuller than it was this morning.

As I walked out, I caught the eye of a nice man, smiled and kept walking.

Men are looking at me more. I didn't want to mention that, but there it is. 40 pounds ago, it was rare-er. Now, it is much more common. I sounds incredibly vain to even be mentioning this, but I mention it because I'm not sure what to think of it.

When I was younger, and thinner, I got a lot of looks from the men. There are times when I think that I actually packed on fat to keep that away. Keep to myself. I don't have a lot of "fat baggage" or issues that I think keep me fat, but if I had to readily pick one, it might be that.

I'm not young, I'm not a supermodel, I'm still a pretty fat beast. Sometimes when you see a fatty that can really "pull it off" at her weight, it makes you look a little longer. Maybe that's it. I don't know. But I don't know how I feel about it. At times I have this weird feeling like I want to climb back into my fat suit and cozy up.

I have read people say that, as they lost weight, they noticed more people looking them in the eye. I don't feel like I command any more attention now than I did before. Except for this. It's not new, it's an old familiar, except the men aren't 20 anymore. It's nice for people to think you're pretty, but I also apparently have some sort of issue about it because it's nice, but it bothers and scares me a bit.

Maybe I'm accustomed to being a little more incognito?

Scales And Weights

I have two scales that are very dear to me. My kitchen scale, and my bathroom scale.

BATHROOM SCALE
I know that some people forbid scales in their homes, and some weigh themselves daily.

I'm the second one.

I don't know why I do it, but ever since I got that new scale, I hop on it nearly every day. Sometimes every other day.

Today it tells me I've gained a pound. I know I ate a lot of salt yesterday. I also know I stayed reasonable with my calories, went for a walk, and shouldn't worry. I'm not too worried. Right now the scale and daily weighing seems to be helpful to me. For now.

It's scary, too. I think for the rest of my life I will always have a fear of putting my pudgy feet on a scale. They mean too much. Those numbers, they mean a lot. Kind of like important dates, the numbers signify times in my struggle.

the past decae...
338 - my highest
305 - getting stuck there, wondering if I'd ever leave the 300s again
295 - getting down there and being joyous, but wanting more... losing and being back there three times
280s and 270s - yoyo times, back and forth - frustration
260s - feeling great, feeling a difference in my body
250s - new territory for me in this decade

old territory from years ago/my late teens and early 20s...
240s - remembering this weight, lying about it to my friend
230s - post-baby, walking around here for a long time, but telling everyone I was 202
220s - vague recollections of being here, felt great at this weight
210s - huh?
180s - feeling fat, lying about it
170s - felt fat here
160s - huh?
150 - my mother telling me I looked like I was melting away
140 - hearing a famous person weighed the same, and feeling great about that, my legs barely rubbed together

For most of my life, I've been stuck somewhere in the 200s. I think even back in middle school possibly I was over 200 pounds. For a brief time I dipped into the onederland area, and it was great. I was still fat by high-school standards, but thick and beautiful by many a boy's standards. It felt great to get out of high school and have people look at me differently.

I don't know where I will settle this time around. I don't want it to be on this side of 250, though. It's a tough battle. It's a lot of work, mentally and physically. Unless there's a payoff, it's hard to keep going.

Body Tales

Weight loss is objective.

I surf around reading blogs. It's good to feed myself motivation at least once a week.

I like to look at pictures (something I have little of), and see stats of the losses. I like to read how it was done, to see someone transform. It really is impressive. Inspiring.

I like to see how people feel different. The scale says one thing, but the body tells more intimate tales of  the process of changing your body.

It probably goes without saying, but I'm looking for people who have lost or are losing a good chunk. Like 100 pounds. People who have been in body debt, and are now debt free - that inspires me because it hits closer to who I am - or who I want to be.

Usually people who have been over 250ish.

Anyway. So one thing I found fascinating is how other people felt in their 250s. Like, for those who started there. I started in my 330s, so that's another ball league. I'm feeling much better in my 250s (in comparison to my 290s). Most of it is just getting around the fat, being able to sit more comfortably, get up more comfortably, stretch, etc.

But the way some people felt at my same weight (at their starting weight) amazes me. The misery. I'm not that miserable. 'Leads me to think of the experiences and differences of our bodies. We all feel differently in our skin.

Regardless of how great I feel (because I've been even heavier than this) right now, someone else might feel miserable at 250; it might have been their beginning. It's a little bit of a buzz kill, really. And it's also a little bit of a face slap, telling me not to become to complacent.

I can't say I ever felt incredibly miserable physically at 300. I felt a bit disabled, I guess. But I wasn't suffering major health consequences, and was able to take care of everything I needed to. I feel similar now. BUT I feel more free.