Checking In Before Weekend

I'm Day 5 into logging calories/carbs/fat, and trying to keep my streak for 30 days (even if I go above the goals I'm aiming for).

As with anytime you really stick to a restrictive way of eating, I've lost a few pounds.  I was at 280 this morning, which is the lowest I've fluctuated in a while.  I'm really wanting to leave March under 280.  If I can stick with this, I should be able to reach that goal no problem.

The weekends kill me though.  That's why I wanted to check in quick before the weekend.

I've really stuck to plan all week despite circumstances being not-so-great for success.  We were out of town last weekend, and I left with a pretty bare fridge.  I haven't been able to shop much at all this week, but have still managed to scrape together some meals.

At any rate, I'm hoping to do decent over the weekend and still be able to log a 280 (or less) weight next week when I check back in.

Have a great weekend.

I Wear My Seatbelt (Unless It Doesn't Fit)

I’m in a rut.
Not a stall or anything, but a life rut.

It’s daunting to need to lose a good 80 pounds.  Even 50 is daunting.  It sounds exciting, because it would CHANGE MY LIFE.  But it is a LOT of work.  Time that I might not have.  Or maybe it’s faith or patience that I don’t have.  Maybe more than I want to give.

I have a dear friend who is right around the weight I am.  She struggles, too.  Every time we get together we talk about our weight and why we can’t change it, and what we might be missing.  This last time it was rides.  Carnival rides.  Being too fat.  That was the major tangible thing we could come up with.

I can think of others, but we were a couple cocktails in and that stood out.

Did I ever tell you about riding in my dad’s truck?  How the seatbelt didn’t fit around me?  It wasn’t a big truck, and the seats didn’t slide back.  He’d pick me up on more than one occasion and I’d have to tuck my seatbelt in next to me, or hold it down so it looked like I had my seatbelt on.  And – it’s not like my dad is an unloving jerk.  But I didn’t want to tell him.  I didn’t want to say it out loud that I couldn’t fit that darn belt around me.  This was when I was 330 pounds, give or take.  I’d just given birth not too long ago.  It was before I lost the 50 pounds that I never found again.

It was horrible.

Because, I WEAR MY SEATBELT.  So, not only was I hiding from my dad, I was terrified for my own safety.  My dad is a bit of a reckless driver, which never helped the situation.

It was a horrible, shameful feeling. 

I just can’t find the time or desire to get over this hump.  I do know it will happen, but it hasn’t happened yet.  I’ve maintained at 283 for too long.


I’m taking steps, and I’ll talk about that next time. 

Quick Check In

Hi.

Today is Thursday.  No, Wednesday.  Today is Wednesday.

Today I woke up!  Kidding, not kidding.  Waking up is the start.  Everything you do after that is gravy or gravel.

I can't talk weight because mine looks not so good on the scale, but I can talk habits.  The first week of the new year,  I broke the eat-whatever-you-want-start-tomorrow habit of the holidays.  That's good.  I haven't had sweets, I wasn't having beer.  The second week, I kind of strayed.  I still kept with the idea of week 1, but I had a stress-inducing event coming up, and I just couldn't get a grip all the time - I ate more carbs than I should of.

This week, I'm doing OK.

There's a lot of things I'm working on, and trying to make habit so that I'm a happier ME than I've been.

MAKE EXERCISE A PRIORITY

Today - January 18 - I woke up and did a quick work out.  That's something new.  For a while I was doing 5-minute Walk Away The Pounds videos in the morning, just to get the blood flowing, and to create habit.   It didn't stick.

I think, though, beyond weight loss, I need to think more of my own health and what the benefits of regular exercise do.  I forget that piece sometimes and/or it falls away when the sidewalks are covered with a generous heaping of ice.  So, I forced myself to do a 1-mile walk.  Nothing I can't do in the 15 minutes I would normally use to Facebook stalk, right?

BETTER USE OF MY TIME

READ MORE

I love to read.  I don't set aside enough time to do it.  Period.

TAKE BETTER CONTROL OF MY MONEY

EAT SIMPLE FOODS AT HOME

I've been so stressed for years now that my money flies out the door in the shape of cheezy fries, beers, and "eating out" because I just don't have time.  Eating out is nice, and should be done sometimes for fun and leisure.  But it shouldn't eat up your entire salary.   I have to ditch the idea that every meal should be plated as if it were going to a king, and just throw stuff together.  It's usually healthier, and it's almost always cheaper.

LOSE WEIGHT

I don't feel the need to lose so much that people don't recognize me, but I do feel like I need to fit in my clothes and feel good in them.

LEARN SOMETHING NEW

I need to do this this year.

MY JOB

We'll see about my job, and what I do with that.  I love my job, but the bad management has made it a horrible, stressful place to work.  I can't have my life lead like that.  I just can't.

Anyway.  I think better life management will help.  After some struggles years ago, at times where we lived crisis to crisis, it kind of became our lives.  I don't want that.  I want to live accentuating the good moments in life, not just coping between the bad ones.  It's a rut, it's a habit.  But, I also have to believe things can change - I CAN CHANGE - and that I have control of that.

I hope you're having a good start to the new year!

The Things I Am

This has been another year of "getting by" for me.  More of me holding my life together, than me focusing on my own health.  I'm not sure if that will change or continue come 2017.

In a staff lunch we were talking about taking care of self.  It was our department, about seven of us, all in similar jobs.  We're all stressed out (some of us more than others).  We talked about how SELFISH you have to be if you want to take care of yourself.  It's easier when you don't have kids to look after.  It's easier if you don't have a spouse.  It's easiest if you only have to take care of YOURSELF.

I was doing that a few years ago, successfully.  I lost a significant amount of weight and felt better in my own skin.  I definitely struggled, but I was on a good path.

I no longer feel that way.  I drink almost every day (mostly from stress, and needing to "come down" from the day).  I feel unhappy in my relationship, and dedicate NO time to fixing that.  I feel time is slipping away with my kids (they are all almost adults now, and I feel like there's been so much wasted time).

As much as I love how far I've gotten in my "career" in the past few years, I'm not really happy with where I am in my life outside of that.  I've met new people, learned new things, accomplished goals (the job I'm in now is the job I couldn't even get an interview for a few years ago).  But, I wouldn't say I'm happier.  I have more knowledge.  As much as I love-hate my position, it's not who I am.  I've sort of lost myself in all of this.

The Things I am
I'm a mother.
I'm a crafter.
I'm spontaneous.
I'm a reader.
I'm a caregiver.
I'm a church-goer.
I'm a camper.
I'm a singer.
I'm a homemaker.
I'm a cook.
I'm a writer.
I'm a wife.
I'm a sister.
I'm a daughter.
I'm an animal-lover.
I'm a gardener.
I'm a photographer.
I'm a friend.

I'm literally none of those things anymore.  I am that person in tiny increments, sometimes.
I'm too consumed by my M-F, 9-5 job.
I only have so much to give, and I give most of it when I'm at my job.
Then I come home tired, angry, frustrated, and burnt out.

I know I'd be unhappy letting my job go.  I know it.

So, as much as this is the year to better myself, enjoy my family, and get back to my own roots... this is the year that I also quit my dream job and find one that accommodates my life, rather than having my life accommodate my job.  I want to travel.  I want to be healthier.  I want to explore more of the things I enjoyed before I threw myself into this crazy ring of work-work-work.

None of the Things I Am can be replaced by someone else.
But my position at work will have a replacement within two weeks, if I quit.



Nobody Wants to Hear This

I don't write much anymore because I don't have anything substantial to say.
I mean, I do, but not as it pertains to actually doing better, losing weight, or doing well.

I'm still hanging on by a thread.  Things in my work life were making progress, and then the rug was pulled out from underneath me.  Personnel changes, and all projects working towards something good are GONE.  Poof.  Like that.

Again.

So, the past few years has seen me 3 new job changes, and multiple weird situations that I can't make heads or tails of besides the fact that they are normal to life, and life is difficult.

My weight is the same, fluctuating between 279 on a good day, and 283 on a FATTY day.

Today, after suffering major work-related blow while trying to handle life as it comes daily, I've resorted to cocktails and carbs as a way of coping.  Add my period, and I'm nearly committable to a mental institution.

I don't want to feel this.  I want to be that beacon of light for the people around me, but I can't be.  I'm taxed to the end with no outlet at all and a head that runs in circles, confusing the most hard to confuse.

I wonder if I should start popping an anti-depressant or something like that.  I wonder a lot of things.  I also wonder if I should just tank my job, enjoy my life, and quit letting the corporate idea of what's important mandate my happiness.

I wonder a lot of things.

But today, as I gorge on liquor and noodles, I just feel badly for myself that coping becomes edible, and screen time on Blogger takes place of a real-life friend/mom/person to just talk to.

I trust nobody at work because nobody really cares about anyone but themselves.  So, hi.

Weigh In - 281

I have to rush off to work this morning, but I wanted to make sure I got this in.  I did weigh in last week at 281.  I wasn't sure if it would hold, but it did.  It was crazy.  I weighed in at 278 twice, but my scale was acting crazy.  So then when I finally weighed in and it said 281, I really didn't want to believe it.  So, by the time I got around to recording it for a solid weight, I never updated here.

Today is an important number.

I feel like I've been hovering at 285 for a long time (while not caring what I've eaten).  More than the scale, my clothes were very, very uncomfortable - my fat clothes.  To have my regular clothes feel better, I think I need to get to around 270/272.  But, clearly it's going to take me a while.  That will open up my wardrobe a bit.

So, I've dipped down to 282/283 before, but not 280.  I feel like I might actually be making some sort of a dent, and I'm thrilled about that.  Like maybe there's a possibility I could lose 10 more pounds.  I am going on vacation in a week, so I'm a little nervous about what that will bring.  But I'm not going to worry about it, since that's not going to get me anywhere.

I haven't really instituted exercise yet - not even walking.  The fact that I've held on over the last few weeks is simply amazing.  If I can manage my stress at work, and still continue on the path I'm on, I'll be pretty happy.  We'll see.  I'd love to be out of the 80s next weigh in.



Weigh In 282 (3rd Week In A Row)

The title says it all.

I'm 282 for the 3rd week in a row.

I didn't leave May under 280, which I was hoping for.  In face, this 282 I'm stuck at isn't too much of a prize, since this is around where I've been hovering the past year (between 284 and 289).  It's really frustrating.  To be on spot a way higher percentage than I'm not and to just stay the same is always frustrating.

But I guess I'm maintaining, is the way to look at it.  Maybe I was maintaining a slightly higher weight before.  At this size, five pounds can still make a wee difference.

It's a lot of work to just maintain. Sad face.

I don't know what gets me.  The next couple weeks will be telling, if I can stay on track.  Last weekend I had too much beer, and too many "off menu" items, I would say.  I need to see what a weekend without that brings me.  I guess I'm glad to say that I'm back to where I was before last weekend (which was a 4-day weekend for me).  But I'm not really glad.  I'd like to have been down, obviously.

So. I'll take it as a reminder to me to stay on track this weekend.  Tomorrow we have plans, so I know I'll go over calories, have a couple drinks.  I just need to remind myself not to go too far away from what is working from me, and to know that going too far off also tends to lead to having to reset my taste buds again, which isn't fun.

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Besides my weigh-in, I'm exhausted today.  The work week has gone OK, but I'm ready to be done with this work week and turn my brain off of it for a bit.