Nobody Wants to Hear This

I don't write much anymore because I don't have anything substantial to say.
I mean, I do, but not as it pertains to actually doing better, losing weight, or doing well.

I'm still hanging on by a thread.  Things in my work life were making progress, and then the rug was pulled out from underneath me.  Personnel changes, and all projects working towards something good are GONE.  Poof.  Like that.

Again.

So, the past few years has seen me 3 new job changes, and multiple weird situations that I can't make heads or tails of besides the fact that they are normal to life, and life is difficult.

My weight is the same, fluctuating between 279 on a good day, and 283 on a FATTY day.

Today, after suffering major work-related blow while trying to handle life as it comes daily, I've resorted to cocktails and carbs as a way of coping.  Add my period, and I'm nearly committable to a mental institution.

I don't want to feel this.  I want to be that beacon of light for the people around me, but I can't be.  I'm taxed to the end with no outlet at all and a head that runs in circles, confusing the most hard to confuse.

I wonder if I should start popping an anti-depressant or something like that.  I wonder a lot of things.  I also wonder if I should just tank my job, enjoy my life, and quit letting the corporate idea of what's important mandate my happiness.

I wonder a lot of things.

But today, as I gorge on liquor and noodles, I just feel badly for myself that coping becomes edible, and screen time on Blogger takes place of a real-life friend/mom/person to just talk to.

I trust nobody at work because nobody really cares about anyone but themselves.  So, hi.

Weigh In - 281

I have to rush off to work this morning, but I wanted to make sure I got this in.  I did weigh in last week at 281.  I wasn't sure if it would hold, but it did.  It was crazy.  I weighed in at 278 twice, but my scale was acting crazy.  So then when I finally weighed in and it said 281, I really didn't want to believe it.  So, by the time I got around to recording it for a solid weight, I never updated here.

Today is an important number.

I feel like I've been hovering at 285 for a long time (while not caring what I've eaten).  More than the scale, my clothes were very, very uncomfortable - my fat clothes.  To have my regular clothes feel better, I think I need to get to around 270/272.  But, clearly it's going to take me a while.  That will open up my wardrobe a bit.

So, I've dipped down to 282/283 before, but not 280.  I feel like I might actually be making some sort of a dent, and I'm thrilled about that.  Like maybe there's a possibility I could lose 10 more pounds.  I am going on vacation in a week, so I'm a little nervous about what that will bring.  But I'm not going to worry about it, since that's not going to get me anywhere.

I haven't really instituted exercise yet - not even walking.  The fact that I've held on over the last few weeks is simply amazing.  If I can manage my stress at work, and still continue on the path I'm on, I'll be pretty happy.  We'll see.  I'd love to be out of the 80s next weigh in.



Weigh In 282 (3rd Week In A Row)

The title says it all.

I'm 282 for the 3rd week in a row.

I didn't leave May under 280, which I was hoping for.  In face, this 282 I'm stuck at isn't too much of a prize, since this is around where I've been hovering the past year (between 284 and 289).  It's really frustrating.  To be on spot a way higher percentage than I'm not and to just stay the same is always frustrating.

But I guess I'm maintaining, is the way to look at it.  Maybe I was maintaining a slightly higher weight before.  At this size, five pounds can still make a wee difference.

It's a lot of work to just maintain. Sad face.

I don't know what gets me.  The next couple weeks will be telling, if I can stay on track.  Last weekend I had too much beer, and too many "off menu" items, I would say.  I need to see what a weekend without that brings me.  I guess I'm glad to say that I'm back to where I was before last weekend (which was a 4-day weekend for me).  But I'm not really glad.  I'd like to have been down, obviously.

So. I'll take it as a reminder to me to stay on track this weekend.  Tomorrow we have plans, so I know I'll go over calories, have a couple drinks.  I just need to remind myself not to go too far away from what is working from me, and to know that going too far off also tends to lead to having to reset my taste buds again, which isn't fun.

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Besides my weigh-in, I'm exhausted today.  The work week has gone OK, but I'm ready to be done with this work week and turn my brain off of it for a bit.

Weigh In: 282 (No Change)

Today's weigh in wasn't a big surprise.  I knew that along with it being Hump Day, it was also right around the time I expected my Monthly Friend.  And WAZAAAAM!  there it is.  I'm trying to take things in stride and not freak out about no loss this week.  Keep on, keeping on.

I've been doing pretty good with everything, staying on plan.  Some days it's harder than others.  Some days I'm really not hungry at all, and others (like yesterday), I was famished.  But it's nothing like the ongoing crazy grazing, endless pot when I'm eating carbs and sweets.  Nothing like that.

As much as I really don't like low-carb, and would love to stick to just eat what I want under a certain amount of calories - I think it's what my body needs.  Maybe in a maintenance phase (like that will ever happen, my who life is attaining, not maintaining, lol), but I think I have to be a 90% low-carb/higher-fat kind of person.

I do allow myself Atkins shakes.  I do allow myself some beer here and there.  But I've been pretty good at not having sweets, even chocolate.  I won't say it's easy.

The past couple weeks at work have been horrific.  Monday I came home determined to finish off the couple of wine bottles I had left - totally didn't care.  It was horrible.  You know when you get super angry at someone and you're shaking afterwards?  That's how I feel sometimes when I get done with work.  I want to run out of there so fast.

I'm getting better at leaving work at work, though.

I'm still trying to figure out what exactly I'm "learning" through this whole experience with this job.

Basically I feel like I've learned how to hold on to small things and limp through life.  Not so great.  But I also know if I ever said, ENOUGH and quit, I'd have my husband's understanding and support.  So, we'll see.  I don't plan on quitting, but I'm holding on for my new manager to be hired, and hoping that this could still turn out to be a Dream Job for me.

You never know.

In other news - I did my first 5K!  It was fun.  I walked it.  But I DID it.  Something different.  I can't say I'm addicted or anything, or that this is the start of me doing more and more.  They're expensive and I still can't entirely get over paying to walk a course.  But it was something I wanted to do, and never seemed to be able to get myself to just DO.

I haven't been walking or doing much of any exercise, though I've been quite active.  My fitbit charger is lost somewhere in the house, so I've been without that all week, which sucks a bit.

Well, off to work.  Happy Hump Day!

Weigh In: 282

I'm going to put this weight down (which would mean a 1# loss), but I am suspicious.

See, I was actually UP in weight at the beginning of the week.  I had been naughty.  I just was.  Between going a little off track, and stress, I just figured I had to face facts.

I stepped on the scale Tuesday and it said, "Lo."

Batteries.  I need batteries.

But there was no time to mess with them.  I tried stepping on it 3 times, and it still balked at me, Lo.  Wednesday morning I tried again, hoping someone else took care of the scale's battery issue, but still, Lo.  I had an early morning appointment to get to, so I left it alone.  I also knew I was going out with the girls that night, and really didn't want to weigh in after that.  But whatever - such is life.

So today I tried to find batteries and we're completely out.  But I tried again.  And it did it's little search-y thing where the zeros dance in a circle for a bit before it displays 0.o.  OK?  I stepped on.  Maybe someone DID take care of the battery thing - finally.

282.(something)

Not really believing it, I stepped off and touched it with my toe again.  Lo.  I tried a couple more times (I like to weigh myself more than once in case it's a fluke).  Lo.  So, I'm just going to take it.  To trust.  To not get too wound up about the number, and just hope it sticks.

I'm battling a cold.  Never fun.  I'm sure the stress of my job situation doesn't help.  It's absolutely beautiful out today, though.  If things weren't turned upside down at work I might consider staying home, actually.  I hardly ever take a sick day.  I told myself I'd go in today and if I felt lousy, or if it became too nuts - I'd come home.  I have to remember my whole, "Take Care of Myself" mantra.  It's real.  And I feel cruddy, lol.


Weigh In: 283 (Down 1 More)

It's only a pound, but that's OK.

I'd like to say that I'd be out of the 80's by the end of May, but it is doubtful.  It would be WONDERFUL - but, given that things are a bit up-ended, I should (technically) be satisfied if I can hang on to 283 and not balloon up to 383.

Another unfortunate turn of events - my bossy-boss/manager took all of his stuff (including the mini-fridge, microwave, coffee maker).  This is not a good thing.  All of those items were "community items" shared by our small department - and used nearly daily by ME.  But they were also in his space.  I have very little space to put such items, but I'm going to.  I NEED to, if I'm going to keep on track with how I've been going.  There are other microwaves in our building, but sometimes the harder it is to manage something, the less likely it is that it will happen.

I need to plan for me, take care of me, and not be worried or ashamed of doing it.

Stress Is Not Good For The Eats

I haven't done THAT bad, really.

But, there is room for improvement.

My immediate manager was fired.  Sometimes that can be a good thing.  I won't know if it is good or bad, until I can look back on things, but it definitely creates a ripple in life.  We work very closely together to oversee a department, and though I'm not his "equal" I've always been treated as one; we were a team.

So, it's a bit scary.  The Unknown.  The Transition.  The Temporary Manager.  My interim manager is someone who transferred out of our department.  Many strengths,  and a disaster left behind.

Needless to say, it's been an interesting week.  I don't think I did stellar in the staying-on-track (with eating) department - BUT - I did stellar in the don't-quit-your-job department.  I'm hanging in there.  I'm trying to dig out whatever positives I can find (even if they aren't immediate).

I drank more beer than is permissible on a low carb diet (just one day, though), and I might pay for it on the scale tomorrow. However!  I had a highly active weekend, and a very enjoyable Mother's Day.

And I'm back at it (or was back at it) Monday.  A bit painful, but I managed to stay the course.  That's what it's all about, staying the course.

Stress can throw you off, though.  I'm definitely more tired.  I feel completely draggy, which I didn't feel last week.  I'd like that energy back, thankyouverymuch.