I Think I'm Going To Quit My Job

I said it.  I know I have to, I just don't know how or when.  I know that, optimally, it would be nice to do it and have a break.  Maybe a month.  It would be hard (financially), but I think that's where I'm at mentally and emotionally.  If I don't do it soon I might have a nervous breakdown.

It's hard because I sincerely love it.  I'm proud of what I do, I do a good job, and I enjoy it.  I add value to the workplace.

But my reasons for needing a change are larger than my reasons for staying.  They mean more to me.

I hope that I don't look back and regret it, but I don't think I will.  I regret the time I would have away from my family for the next few years, and that is time I will never get back.  I don't need to be with them every second, but I do want to be there for the milestones, the dinners.  The long run, if I can.  There will be time in my life, I suppose, for a full-time job, or one that takes more of me than my off-time life - but now isn't the time.

It's going to take strength in me to do this.

On another note, I haven't lost any weight since the beginning of the month.  It started out looking promising, but I'm no better off half-way through.  I'm disappointed.  Frustrated.  I'm starting to get depressed, wanting to just curl up in a ball and not move for a long, long time.

I don't know if a shift in schedule (my job) will be what I need.  I really don't.

Decent Week

This week (well starting July 1st) I was able to track all of my food with about 95% accuracy.  I'm happy with that.  It's a step in the right direction.  I didn't do perfect on my eating, but I did better.  I also did better on my movement.

This is good.  I feel better about things.

One thing that helped, I have to admit, is my short week.  I worked Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and then had off Friday - Monday.

Another "nail in the coffin" for me at my current job.  I need to get out of there as soon as possible.  My husband would be Ok with me quitting tomorrow, if that's what I said I wanted to do.  But I really would like to have something lined up.  I hope I don't regret not quitting now.  I'll see.

We did a lot this weekend.  Things I haven't been able to muster up the energy to do since I started working. I slept in for FOUR DAYS.  We went out walking almost every day - not always a "fitness walk" but just outside, doing things, rather than sitting at home all day exhausted.  It felt really good.

I Am Back To Where I Was

I weighed in at 280.

I feel sluggish, unhappy, and like I am going to keel over from a heart attack.  No joke.

Each day I say it will be different, and each day it is not different.

My clothes don't fit.

I don't know what to say.

I had a LONG talk with a good friend, and she told me to quit my job.  Tomorrow.  She said put in your notice and don't look back.

I wish I were that strong!

Just the thought of it and I felt recharged.  Free.  Like a burden was lifted.

I looked through the job listings again, and found one that I am going to apply for.  Nothing is as powerful, exciting, and fun as the one I have, but none of them require the amount of driving and time, either.

I just simply can't take care of me, a family, and be the front face of a large organization.  I have to just admit that and let it go and allow myself to be important enough for that to be OK.

I felt SO good 30 pounds ago.  Gaining all that in one year is not healthy.  Truly I've gained most of it int the last few months where I've been the most miserable.

Please, Lord, give me the strength to do better.

I'm Not Cut Out For Full-time Work

I'm conscious of where I'm at. If I weren't, I think I'd be back where I started.

But I'm about 10 pounds back up from where I figure my "good weight" is (260).

I'm 20 pounds up from where I was, though.

It's hard to accept that my focus has gone in other places, and my health takes a back seat. It's hard for me to wrap my brain around it. I don't know how long it takes to adjust to a new job? For me? Probably forever.

I'm a complicated person. I realize this. I feel like I have personal stuff to get in order, but life keeps happening, so personal stuff doesn't get in order.

But maybe it never does.

So, my new job - I have a love/hate relationship with it. Fancy that!!! Me?! Yes.

I love the work, the feeling of helping people, being helpful, and being in my element. But I hate that it consumes my life, and that my world, 80% of it, all revolves around WORK.

From 5am, to 5pm it's work. I'm either there, or planning to be there.

Get up, get ready, go, work, come home, unpack, pack for the next day, lay out clothes, try to come down from the day.

REPEAT.

It's taken its toll on me, and I'm miserable.

It's a weird misery.

I feel useful and valuable (at work), but I'm worthless in the areas that are important to me (my home life).

The most important - to me - is the home life.

I can be replaced at work. I can't be replaced at home.

I only have a few years until my kids are all out of the house. Though they need me less than they used to, they don't need me tired, ornery, and useless.

I feel caught. I've got a fantastic job (I really do - I landed a job in my niche with a great company), which is why I didn't turn it down. But it was more than I wanted - which is why I'm regretting it.

I pray that it's not all for naught, and that God will send something my way. I really do. I don't care about how hokey that sounds. I'm hanging on by a thread daily. I feel regret, embarrassment, fear, when I think of moving on from this position. But I also feel trapped by where I am.

I don't want this to be me.  I want to continue taking care of myself and the people around me. I want to figure things out. I'm 40. I'm on the top of the hill riding down and I don't think I'll have myself or the world figured out in the next 20 years, but I dn't want to look back and wonder where they all went, either.

I'm Trying

I have to re-evaluate a lot of things.

But 20 pounds ago, I felt 100% better. It's not just the will or the want or the desire. Or maybe it is. I want it, but I'm as determined as I've been before. My will is weak.

Like I said in my last post, I'm just tired.  I've committed to more than I should have with taking this job, and though I love the work, I'm consumed by it. Monday through Friday, and for part of the time on Sunday - it consumes me.  I'm not one of those people that can work and then go work out, and still keep my sanity and my family.

Actually, I don't know what kind of person I am.

Maybe the kind that needs to have her jaw wired shut.

269 - I've Gone Off The Deep End

That's what the scale said this morning. Granted, I had my pajamas on, but it's reflective of the last few months for me. Not long ago it was 262.

I've gone off the deep end.

New job has me sitting on my butt for the entire day, and though it would seem I'd have energy after sitting all day - I'm EXHAUSTED.

Even on the weekends.

I didn't want to work full-time, but here I am.

It sucks. I drink almost every day (a glass of wine, a beer, etc.).

I need to take charge of things. Mornings I'm so optimistic, but by evening I'm spent mentally and physically and I don't care.

I hate this. I hate being where I am with my weight. My gym membership sits unused.

Ugh.

Back in the saddle. Back, I say!!

I Hate It

Not much has changed, weight-wise. So I won't talk too much about that. I've stayed around 255 pounds, give or take (more give than take). I'm eating OK, but have had some slips.

What's been terribly difficult for me is this work week.
I get up and go to work and it's just getting light out,
I come home and it's just getting dark out.

I take my work clothes off.
I pick out my clothes for the next day.

I unpack the carcass of my lunch.
I scrape through the fridge to pack a lunch for the next day.

I eat.
I get ready for bed around eight. I try to sleep.

The first few weeks, all that ran through my head was work, work. Stress dreams, waking up in the middle of the night. I was so tired. So very tired. It got better, and I don't have that so much anymore. But I am tired. I'm falling behind. I have no time for anything.

You know how it is, Friday's wasted - Saturday I usually have something to do, and Sunday I'm already getting back to work.

After being a stay at home mom for so long, and then working part-time (but my emphasis was really on being at home, and not at work), this is quite a drastic change.

I like my job, but I wish it required way less time out of my life. The things that are important to me (cooking, cleaning, taking care of my children and my family), all fall to the wayside.

It's disappointing. I don't really want to admit it because it's not necessarily the mainstream thoughts or feelings.

The majority of my day I spend at work.
I like it OK, but it isn't fulfilling. Actually I like it. It's right up my alley. But it isn't fulfilling. I come home and I have bills, dinner, planning, cleaning, and I have to ignore the majority of it.

I hate it.

And I have nobody to talk about it to. I've isolated myself with my husband as my friend an confident, and it's not enough, and it's not working.

So here's my prayer:
I don't think God would have brought me here to torture me. I believe he has something good on my horizon with this job. I believe that things will get better, I will be useful, I might make some new friends, or find a purpose in my position.

My prayer is for things to be be better at my job.
My prayer is for less fatigue so I can be a better mother.
My prayer is for my husband to help out around the house. I can't bear all of this alone.

My prayer is for God to hear my prayers.