New Week

Whatever it is has me paying more attention to my weight.

Most of it is the discomforts, looking at my wardrobe and not being able to fit into things like I used to.  I need to lose 30 pounds.  I need to lose more but 30 would do me well.  I've been walking more, doing a 100 day challenge.  My aim is to walk 5 out of 7 days a week.  Last week I hit my mark.  I didn't lose any weight, but it's simply healthier to get those walks in.  I'm still aiming for 10, 000 steps on my fitbit, too, but my walks are the most important to me right now.

This week I'd also like to journal my food.  What helped me keep accountable every time I was able to shave off pounds was journaling.  I don't like it - it's a pain and a time consumer, but so is this closet thing - looking at my clothes.

So this week:

Walk

Journal

Aim for 275.  That's my first goal right now.

It's hard to have a gazillion spokes in a wheel.  We're also needing to be financially smart.  My preferred mode of eating is very low carb, but that hasn't been sustainable for me diet-wise or pocketbook wise.  But I'm going to keep an eye on it and cut out some major offenders, see where that gets me.

Today's lunch: Salad (lettuce, cheese, lemon and olive oil)

We're Falling Apart

Today at church the pastor was talking about life.  He said that most of his life is not very good.  He has moments of joy and happiness, but most of it is aches, pains, concerns, and things that aren't enjoyable.

It was refreshing to hear (for someone like me).

I know a lot of people that, for the most part, enjoy life.  They would say things are the other way around.  Most of it is comfortable, and times of discomfort.

I'm mostly comfortable, and there are some hard times.  But I'm often very sorrowful, anxious, and uncomfortable.  I don't think most people would know this besides my husband; maybe my kids.

I've talked to my husband a lot about things, shared my frustrations, my feelings, the struggles I deal with.  I've talked until I was blue in the face.  My husband takes me for granted.  He hears what I say but doesn't listen.  Last night I explained to him, again, as we are going through a rough patch (family, financials - we have a lot of rough patches) that it was hard for me.  I have some physical concerns that have flared up and are causing me trouble, work is an irritation and a dread.

For a few years now, I've really needed a break.  Like a sabbatical.  Honestly.  Where my schedule is none.  I know that sounds like a fantasy, but I really need that.  I was hoping my new job would allow me that, almost, because the hours are so small.   But the person I work with is a bully and the small community I am employed in is very dysfunctional.  I suspect many communities are.  I think with how things have been for me the past few years I just didn't really need this.  What I needed was for my old job to have just continued, I suppose.  The work I could have done with my eyes closed.

But without discomfort, there is no growth.  I'm growing, I get that.

Back to my conversation with my husband.

So I explained to him everything that wasn't working for me, and how I was not in a great place.  How smiles were coming harder than sadness right now.  I know it will pass, but I'm trying to get through it.

What he does is makes it about HIM.  He sees me unhappy and makes it about him.  "What did I do now?" he asks.  I just don't need that.  I remind him of EVERYTHING WE TALKED ABOUT, how I'm hurting and having trouble, and he still just doesn't get it.

He buries his head in the sand.  5 years ago I could have (did) told him our marriage was in jeopardy.  That I was concerned about us "making it" much after the kids were grown.  He gets hysterical and overly-emotional (dramatic), but nothing comes of the talk.  Nothing changes.

The same topic arises a year later, another year later, another year later.

Same.

It takes two to make a marriage work, but I feel like it's all up to me all the time.

I guess that's what I think about a lot.  I think about how everyone looks to us like the perfect couple, the ones who stuck it out, how everything in life is about our family - and how really we're falling apart.

It's scary and sad at the same time.

There's every sign in the world that our marriage is fractured.  I wish he paid more attention to it.

Yeah, I'm scared.

---

I'm maintaining.  I'm making a point of walking more.


Treading Water

I don't want to write this in my regular paper journal so I will leave it here.

I don't think I'm rapid-cycling bipolar, but boy it feels like it sometimes.

Beyond being cursed with a huge weight problem, I also sometimes feel like I can't ever be truly happy.  There is always a gloom and doom behind it.  I'm always treading water.  Always.  I never find land.  Sometimes the waves crash at my face and I can hardly breathe, and then other days I'm just thankful that the waves are calm, even though I'm exhausted from treading, treading.



Some days while I'm treading there are beautiful skies and sunsets, and I'm in awe of them, my heart is warm and happy.

But I'm still treading.

Sometimes I tread by a beautiful island, and people are smiling and waving, and I just tread on by.

Sometimes there are sharks.

Sometimes there are dolphins.

I know I struggle with depression.  I just don't know if I can commit to medication.  There are days I don't care and don't want it, and days when I feel like I can't imagine going on like this.

So hard to explain.  So frustrating to be here.

I want something of my own.  I was hoping my job switch would be that something, but it's been one nightmare after another.

-----

In other news, I've fluctuated around 280 pounds, give or take.  Just like my mental health, some days are bad and I feel crappy (285), some days are better (278).


284

It's not a lot, but it's down and not up.

I cut off drinking during the week last week, and that was a nice experiment.  I didn't really miss it, and I ate less.  This week I tried to do the same, and ended up failing Monday and Tuesday.  We went out to dinner with friends Monday and then Tuesday... I just didn't feel like being strong apparently.

WEIGHT COMES OFF SO SLOOOOOOOOOOWLY.

It's frustrating.  But I'm determined to keep with it.  Mainly because I feel uncomfortable.  It's so embarrassing, disheartening to know where I was just one year ago, and where I am now.  Part of me wonders if I should talk to my doctor about getting some sort of surgery to help me.  It goes against what I really want, but I also really want to be around longer than most fat-fat people are around.

I don't see many ladies my size or weight that are walking around into their 70s.  Something to think about.


Looking Forward

I'm sipping my second cup of coffee and pretending I don't have to leave for work in 10 minutes.

Haha.

I'm on a good run with journaling, walking.  Just need to continue.

Continue, continue.

I've allowed myself chocolate.

Popcorn.

Other than that, it's been pretty much low carb.

I think I can do a wee bit better than what I'm doing for a small space of time.  Not forever, but... a WEEK?

A good week to cut my carb addiction a bit and kick myself into better habits.  Maybe less cravings, too.  I notice the less carbs I eat (this pas week), the less hungry I am.  The less sugar crashes, too, obviously.

It is hard, though.  It takes some of the "fun" out of things.  But it also will hopefully lead me to a better place with my wardrobe.  SO looking forward to that.

I need to remind myself of it over and over.

286 - Last Night I Had Popcorn For Dinner

I'm trying again.  I am.  Not hardcore, but hardcore-ish.

I'm trying to eat lower carb, higher fat, within a calorie range.

I've done pretty OK.  I've gone over my calories, though.  At one point I weighed in at 283.  I started the week on my period, too.  So I really don't feel like I've accomplished too much.

It's hard for me to decide what I am going to do - extreme low carb/high fat, or simply low carb.

I do think it is always good to do an "induction" where you do well for 2 weeks to kind of cut yourself away from those things that tempt you.

I didn't do a hardcore induction last week and I'm wondering if I should do that starting today - even if it's only for a week.

Last night I had popcorn for dinner.

Not exactly low carb.

But it was what I wanted.

What I really, truly want is to fit back into things again.  That's my goal.  Where my clothes felt good, my body felt smaller, and I felt better.  It's easier to eat what I want, and much funner.  But it's way easier to feel better in my own skin and not have back boobs to the extreme.

The hardest part for me is the fear of all this -- this cycle -- repeating itself again.

Lose, gain.

Lose, gain.


Better Day

I have a lot of obstacles. I don't know how many of them are what my life has in front of me, or that stem from depression/anxiety.

But - I'm making a choice for a better day today.  Not saying that people can "will themselves" out of depression, or making light of it.  But I want things to change for me.

Especially in my pant-size department.

Yesterday I went for a walk.  Every morning I've been doing  a 3-minute jumpstart.  Walk, walk, walk.

Non-negotiable.