Staying The Same

New Year.



I don't see last year as a failure.  Though it's frustrating to start 2016 in relatively the same weight class as I did 2015, and 2014, I can be somewhat satisfied that I didn't start it at 338.  I've been there.  It's not pretty.

But I want to go back to 2013, where things were better.

The last 3 years has been a whirlwind.  Mostly for ME specifically.  I've had THREE jobs in THREE years.  When I was able to get some consistency of time for myself and get my weight down, I was working part-time, in a job I'd had for years.  It was great (for that piece).  It wasn't so great for our checkbook, but it was great for me.

When that job folded, I had to get out and find another one, and worked on breaking into a company that I'd tried to for years.  I tried twice for my preferred position in the company, but didn't get the job either time.  I landed one job (different position), worked there (super stressful).  Quit that after a year.  I found another (very dysfunctional, toxic environment); quite that.  Now  I am finally at the place and position I wanted to be in this company.  It's still more hours and more stress than I really want in a job.  But there's nothing else I'd want to do in this company.

So here I am, trying to get a grip on my own life.  My kids are almost all grown, and part of me is frustrated that the last three years have been so much stress, and less focus on them.  I've done my best.  I didn't want it to have to be way after my kids were out of school for me to get to a better place, but I really can't control that.

I've done my best with what I have.

Here I am, now, again.  I've been so frustrated with my clothes and how they fit, how I look.  I really would like to be at a place where I can get even 20 pounds off.  It made a difference in that.  Right now getting dressed for work is depressing.  Getting dressed for anything is.  I hate my belly sticking out.  I know it's better when I weigh less.  I just have so little time (and energy) to focus on making my eating a priority.

I've done good the last 3 days (I hit 289, but am back now to 285), but it's a daily struggle.  Minute by minute.

One thing I know for a fact is that I continue to be (unexplainably) exhausted.  I do plan on seeing my doctor about it, I do.  But a few years ago I did the same thing (did a sleep study, endocrinologist, etc.) and came up with basically nothing.  I'm fat.  End of story.  Life's problems solved if fat is gone.

Right.

I know, though, that I can't do much to change this.  And I can't really say that I'll ever be below 200 pounds, I just don't know.  Not with the lack of energy that I have, I don't think.  But I'm working on being at least back to 260.  And then we'll go from there.

Weigh In: 280



OK, so I did lose this week.  I think some of that might have to do with the fact that I've been feeling so cruddy.  So, even though I'm happy, I'm still a bit not feeling all victorious because I know this appetite is coming back.

Don't get me wrong - I'll take that loss, and hope to make it more.  Soon. I did say I wanted to leave July under 280 (I think), but I don't think that will exactly happen.

Anyway, feeling a bit better.  Keep plugging away, I will.

Checking In

Nothing much to report.

I've been not feeling well for a couple of days.  Great, I don't eat much.  No so great because I haven't hardly been off the couch.  Ack.  Sometimes I think that makes a person feel worse.



I don't know what it is.  Suspected food poisoning/ate something bad at a social outing over the weekend.  I also over-indulged and had some sweets and carbs - but I wouldn't think that would upset my gastric track for 2 days.  Blah.  I can still get up and around, I'm not completely flat out, but my house is a mess and I'm exhausted.  My stomach has been pinching up.

I also have IBS, so this could be a bout of that, with all of the stress the last few days.  I haven't had a bout in a while, though.

Makes me worry, frustrates me.  Always seems like such a wonderful thing to relax on the couch all day I should try to embrace it, lol.  But it's different when your gut is pinching up.  I feel lazy.

At any rate, I'm going to try to get out for a walk a little later when the weather cools down.  It certainly can't hurt.

Weary

I'm too accustomed to bottling things up.  It's been my survival mechanism for years.  Ten years.

I know I've said we have a family member with some pretty deep issues, and that person can destroy your day with a phone call.  Similar to some of the stuff on Intervention, but with our own mix of pain and confusion.  There are times where it feels like life might be normal, and then there are the times where it is normal -- our normal -- and I feel like my insides are crying.  Everything inside is broken and sad, but I still have to plug away and walk around like a capable human being.

I swear to everything it seems like when I feel like I've got some sort of handle on things, life goes sideways for this person.  I've really gotten better at not letting it rule me, but it's unnatural.  When someone you love is in pain, drowning, it is unnatural not to try to save them, but at some point it's what you have to do.  Instinct says throw a lifesaver, jump in with all your clothes.  Reach them! Instead, you stand on the shore and watch them bob up and down, gasping for air, arms, eyes, skin reaching for you... as they kick themselves deeper into water.  Catch me if you can.

It's a dangerous game.  It wrenches your insides in directions like a roller coaster, a sickening ride. Mental illness/addiction in families turns everything so upside-down skewed sideways that if you've never dealt with it, you never understand.

I have a love/hate relationship with almost everything.

Last week when I got the dreaded call that this person was going to face some uncomfortable consequences for their continued poor decision-making, my heart sank.  My shell instantly sprang from wherever it sits semi-dormant.  I did what I could to get through the next few hours, trying not to ride on the wave of emotion that this person is addicted to.  Tears pushed inside, confused, twisted.

After there was no more for us to do, my husband and went to get a beer.

We walked in, hoping for a moment's peace, ended up seeing people we know.

People we care about, enjoy, and would love to be with any other time.

We both locked up our secrets and emotions and played normal.  Something we've gotten good at.

Our friends sat, and for the next 20 minutes, proceeded to whine about the difficulties they are dealing with as their remodeling project drags on and on and ON.

Normally the guttural urge to simply face-punch would grip me.  But my sadness on that day was rooted so deeply that I had given up on even fantasizing about such a thing.  I listened, I consoled.  Not two seconds after that couple left, I exchanged glances with my husband.  We didn't have to say anything.

Maybe that's what keeps us together.  Besides not having the strength or resources for a divorce (and pretty deep feelings regarding that all together), we are just to weary.  Life itself takes so much work that there's nothing leftover.  This is the easiest thing.

I can't really think about that right now, about our relationship.  Because it seems stupid.

Everything seems pretty stupid right now.

Do you know what it feels like, for real, not knowing and somewhat expecting to get a call?  THAT call? Having to live life, braced?  It sucks.  We're all fragile.  I know this.  Any moment can be anyone's last.  I know, I'm just not talking about that kind of fragile life.  I hate even talking about it, period.  I'm wading through each day trying not to live like I'm wading through each day.

I'm trying, and I've succeeded a lot of the time.


Weigh In: 283

I'm trying to update my weigh ins (and everything on this site, I suppose), but my laptop battery is getting low, so it might have to wait until next time.

Basically I'm back to where I was before my mini-vacation. Not exactly what I wanted, TO RELOSE THE SAME WEIGHT AGAIN, but that's just the way it is.

My biggest happiness of the past week is that I was able to remain under 284 over the weekend.  I did socialize, went to a grill out, had a couple drinks.  But I stuck to my low-carb, didn't eat any bread or anything.  I had a couple bites of a pie, that was my treat.  And one very light beer.  That's it.

All good.

Now, I have some incredibly stressful family crap to wade through, and a job interview next week.

I don't know how I keep my sanity.  I'll be happy if I'm at 282 next week.  One pound.  Just one.

Super quick NSV:  My clothes are feeling a bit better.  I really truly could feel a difference at 290.  I know that I can feel a difference at 275-270 as well.  It's going to be a while, but I'm really going to work to get there and to stay there.  Right now, my goal is just to get to where I was (249).  Maybe even maintain it for quite some time, and then work at getting lower.  But I just want to get there.  I don't want to leave August still in the 280s.




Weigh In: 285 (Day 3)


Last day.  At least that's the plan.  Day 2 of anything seems to always be the hardest, and I'm glad I got through it.  I was craving wine, and ogling my kid's pizza, but I was mostly feeling like my body needs this sort of "fast" right now, and leaning into that.

Today I pumped up the fats this morning by adding coconut oil to my coffee, and peanut butter to my shake.

So my shake looked like this:

1 Level Life chocolate shake
32 grams peanut butter (no sugar added, just peanut butter)
1/2 cup blueberries

Not bad.  Kept me going until early afternoon, and that was with some cleaning and gardening.    I'm a good portion of the way through my day and am just having my first cup of soup now.  It's really a 2-cup serving.  I'll probably have some sort of protein tonight (more than likely some salmon that I have), more soup, and at least one more shake.

I like that I don't have to think so much about my food.  I know it's waiting for me in the fridge, and I know I can add some low-carb things to keep me level and productive and keep those around me alive and safe from my meltdowns. Hahaha.  I really can't truly fast on water and nothing else, like my husband does.  He says it's good to do sometimes.  There are many days he simply won't eat all day at work, and then will eat when he gets home.  I'm not able to function like that.  But I can function like this.  It might be something to add to my arsenal.

I'll admit, I've been off the last few days and don't have to go back to work tomorrow, either, so it makes this a whole heck of a lot easier.  I'm not sure if I could do this while working or not.  We shall see.  I'm sure it will be harder the next time around, so I'm trying not to get my hopes up too terribly much.  But I can't expect everything to be easy.  I remember doing South Beach Diet and not making it the whole two weeks.  I made it a week.  The second time I felt so cruddy I didn't even make it a week, if I remember correctly.

Anyway, I feel good today.  So far.

DAY 4 UPDATE:

The scale read 284 today.  All in all I'm down 6 pounds in 3 days.

I made it through my 3-day kickstart.  Still would say that the 2nd day was the absolute worst.  It's the 4th day now as I update this and I'm still kind of weaning off the shakes and soup.  I had a shake for breakfast and then some soup later, and a shake.  I also had some pork and a sweet potato (I had a sweet potato last night).  I might have more soup later, but my calories are pretty much used up for today.

I don't expect much more from this, to be honest.  I know that I have some celebrations this weekend, and it's going to be hard to keep 284, let alone go down from there.  But I'm hoping that I'll be way more cautious and intentional over the weekend, in hopes that by my next weigh in (Wednesday), I'll be at 284 still.  I might have to make another batch of soup, though.  I think I will still keep eating that through tomorrow, and then probably some also on Saturday to fill up.  It's easy.

Again, part of what I like best is that I'm just not thinking about it.

However, I have to say that --for me-- it is incredibly difficult to focus on myself.  The last three days I've not had my normal energy.  Yesterday I felt pretty good, but I just feel a bit slow.  Maybe I'm consciously trying to slow down.  But I just can't keep up with housework and everyone's schedules and everything else when I'm trying to better myself.

I can see there's definitely a challenge trying to figure out how to take care of everyone else and myself.  I did do it before, though.  I honestly don't know how, but I did.



Day 2 - 287

I'm writing these as my day goes along.  So today my weight was 287.

This morning I added an avocado and some frozen blueberries to my smoothie.  That definitely upped the calorie intake right off the bat, but that's OK.  If I had a normal metabolism and didn't deal with hypoglycemia I might not have done that, and tried the traditional way of doing the diet.  If I did that, though, I would have to have nobody around me and 1000 movies to watch, and to never get off the couch, saving my energy.

That's not my life.  I went outside to weed and work in the garden and need to get some stuff done around the house, run to the store.  No way could I do it today - I don't think - on the shakes and soup.  But maybe.  I guess we'll never know.

So I had my shake+avocado+blueberries, and then an hour later I had some soup.  I've already got my 6 glasses of water in, and I feel like I can get out and do my things without getting ravished or having to take a shake on ice with me.  I probably will have to use the bathroom though.

(Later...)

Well, I made a mistake on thinking I had enough in me to run errands.  By the second store I was ready to eat the car seat.  My stomach was growling.

I drank water.

I felt kind of woozy, but hadn't made it to the grocery store that I planned on going to in the first place.  I knew the store usually had samples, and though I am trying really hard to stay the course, I also don't want to pass out while running errands with my kid.

We got the the store, and I picked a strawberry, blueberry, about 1 oz. of cheese (all samples).  That really did the trick for me.  I was able to finish up shopping without feeling so horrible.

NOTE:  A small amount of something can satisfy true hunger.  Not cravings, that's different.  But true hunger.  The past two days I've had samples at stores, small amounts.  Both times it held me through.  I think part of that is my determination to stop the course of this shipwreck I've been steering, but part of it is just the plain old truth.  Also, having the water bottle with me helped shut down my growling tummy, too.

I did have some bacon today, but I needed it.  I can't run on this soup and veggies or whatever else the actual diet says.  I need my fats.  I feel like I need some more carbs, but honestly --for me-- I do better with the lower carb, higher fat.

On to Day 3, my last day.  Technically.  I don't know if I will continue with the soup or not.  I have enough shakes and soup to stretch to a Day 4, but I find my energy is pretty low and I need to get some things done.  We'll see.