I Started Metformin Again

I want to leave myself a little note.
I started Metformin again.
I'm on Day 3.

Haven't had any issues with it as of yet.  It was about 3 (which means 5) years ago that I went on it, got through about a week, bumped it up, and went off.  My doctor still wanted me to give it another try, and I'm embarrassed to say it took me this long to do it. 

At any rate, I feel fine so far.  I'm not going to bump up over 500 mg, though, unless I have a very good reason.  I seem to do better on smaller doses of things.

I've been tired lately - or wanting to sleep longer.  Maybe it's age, maybe I'm sleeping better.  I used to want to sleep, sleep, sleep when I was a teenager.  The last few years I've been getting up early no matter what, and now the last few months I want to sleep again.  It could be that I've been taking the sertraline and my morning anxiety is lessened?  I don't really know.  I never related it to that before, so I'll have to think on that.

Jease, any more meds?!  Haha.

I've tried to keep my anxiety under control, but I can't, so I'm trying meds.  They're definitely helping, no doubt.  My PMS is greatly lessened.  It's not a 100% turnaround or anything, but it's minimized. 

I still haven't gone to the gym (I renewed my membership). 

I've been walking more since I absolutely LOVE fall, and could spend every day outside in this weather.


Old Goals

I'm keeping a record of my old goals here so I can remember them.  But updated my goals so I can re-achieve them.

MAJOR GOALS
 238 (100 pounds GONE)



Mini Goals
2016
 below 280
 below 270
 good habits through May
 size 24 pants
 clothes too loose
 jog 1 mile

 Goals Achieved 
 stay below 300
 Bike the 5-mile loop, no stopping
 below 290 (8/24/12)
 below285 (10/12)
 below 277 (11/12/12)
 below 269 (1/2 way to goal) (1/28/13)
 fit comfortably into clothes again (1/13)
 260 (lower than my lowest) 4/22/13
 257 (see this) 4/29/13
 someone ask if I've lost weight (not family) (6/13)

How Many Starting Again Posts Can I Have

Haha.

I guess I never "stopped" battling, or working on living a healthier lifestyle.  But I haven't been as intentional about it as I needed to.

Truth is I've been relatively healthy with my eating, and my walking.  But I need to lose weight.  That's the bottom line.  

For vanity reasons (let's be honest) - my clothes are tight.
For practical reasons - my body feels unnecessarily uncomfortable wrapped in so much fat.
For health reasons - carrying around this much excessive weight can't be healthy for me.

So, I've been intentional in other areas - like just trying to stay afloat of life, enjoying my time off, enjoying family, taking walks... but I really do need to TRY to shed some weight.  

I'd love to see 220, but I don't know.   Right now I really do need to start over.  I'm in another chapter of my life, and have NO reason not to focus on myself right now.

My short term goal is to get below 280.  I was balancing at 283 for a long time, and then started on Sertraline this summer and hit 290, which was where I seemed to hover, getting as high as 293 quite a few times.

I don't know if it was/is the Sertraline, or if it's the vacation that I took early in the season - or if it's hormones, or laziness.  I honestly don't know.

What I do know is that four short years ago on June 17, 2013 I was 249 pounds and felt A GREAT DEAL BETTER.  And now, a little over 4 years later I am 40 pounds heavier.

What changed?

My job changed.  I left a part-time job that I had for 6 years, and moved to full-time work.

I would have to say that was the major change in my life.  The good of that is that I've learned new skills, challenged myself in the workplace, and have met new people.  The not-so-good is that I've had a stressful time of things.  The first two jobs I had were stressful and one of them occupied way too much of my time.  The second one was a stepping stone, and the third brought me to a position that I've been trying to land since I took the first job.   

Though this current position is my "goal position" - it's been ladled with stress.  There's been a lot of turnover, and it was somewhat of a clean-up job when I started.  By this year, it was to be smooth sailing for me.  It's not there yet.  I come home stressed and edgy.  I take work home with me.  

Bottom line is if I can't find a work/life balance this year, I think I will give up what is to be my "dream job" - which I don't want to do.  But I worry that the balance weighs heavy on the job part, and not on the life part, and don't want to miss out on the second chapter of my life because I'm so wrapped up in my job.

I'm also trying to grow as a person and NOT give so much of myself to my work that I can't have a life on any day but the weekend.  A big part of that, for me, is losing weight so that I'm more comfortable to do the things I want to do, and I have to be intentional and have the energy to do that.

I have to figure out how because I don't want to wait a year to make that happen.

This post is a lot of babble, but writing it out helps me work through it.  That's one of the ways I focus on myself, I think.  

Checking In Before Weekend

I'm Day 5 into logging calories/carbs/fat, and trying to keep my streak for 30 days (even if I go above the goals I'm aiming for).

As with anytime you really stick to a restrictive way of eating, I've lost a few pounds.  I was at 280 this morning, which is the lowest I've fluctuated in a while.  I'm really wanting to leave March under 280.  If I can stick with this, I should be able to reach that goal no problem.

The weekends kill me though.  That's why I wanted to check in quick before the weekend.

I've really stuck to plan all week despite circumstances being not-so-great for success.  We were out of town last weekend, and I left with a pretty bare fridge.  I haven't been able to shop much at all this week, but have still managed to scrape together some meals.

At any rate, I'm hoping to do decent over the weekend and still be able to log a 280 (or less) weight next week when I check back in.

Have a great weekend.

I Wear My Seatbelt (Unless It Doesn't Fit)

I’m in a rut.
Not a stall or anything, but a life rut.

It’s daunting to need to lose a good 80 pounds.  Even 50 is daunting.  It sounds exciting, because it would CHANGE MY LIFE.  But it is a LOT of work.  Time that I might not have.  Or maybe it’s faith or patience that I don’t have.  Maybe more than I want to give.

I have a dear friend who is right around the weight I am.  She struggles, too.  Every time we get together we talk about our weight and why we can’t change it, and what we might be missing.  This last time it was rides.  Carnival rides.  Being too fat.  That was the major tangible thing we could come up with.

I can think of others, but we were a couple cocktails in and that stood out.

Did I ever tell you about riding in my dad’s truck?  How the seatbelt didn’t fit around me?  It wasn’t a big truck, and the seats didn’t slide back.  He’d pick me up on more than one occasion and I’d have to tuck my seatbelt in next to me, or hold it down so it looked like I had my seatbelt on.  And – it’s not like my dad is an unloving jerk.  But I didn’t want to tell him.  I didn’t want to say it out loud that I couldn’t fit that darn belt around me.  This was when I was 330 pounds, give or take.  I’d just given birth not too long ago.  It was before I lost the 50 pounds that I never found again.

It was horrible.

Because, I WEAR MY SEATBELT.  So, not only was I hiding from my dad, I was terrified for my own safety.  My dad is a bit of a reckless driver, which never helped the situation.

It was a horrible, shameful feeling. 

I just can’t find the time or desire to get over this hump.  I do know it will happen, but it hasn’t happened yet.  I’ve maintained at 283 for too long.


I’m taking steps, and I’ll talk about that next time. 

Quick Check In

Hi.

Today is Thursday.  No, Wednesday.  Today is Wednesday.

Today I woke up!  Kidding, not kidding.  Waking up is the start.  Everything you do after that is gravy or gravel.

I can't talk weight because mine looks not so good on the scale, but I can talk habits.  The first week of the new year,  I broke the eat-whatever-you-want-start-tomorrow habit of the holidays.  That's good.  I haven't had sweets, I wasn't having beer.  The second week, I kind of strayed.  I still kept with the idea of week 1, but I had a stress-inducing event coming up, and I just couldn't get a grip all the time - I ate more carbs than I should of.

This week, I'm doing OK.

There's a lot of things I'm working on, and trying to make habit so that I'm a happier ME than I've been.

MAKE EXERCISE A PRIORITY

Today - January 18 - I woke up and did a quick work out.  That's something new.  For a while I was doing 5-minute Walk Away The Pounds videos in the morning, just to get the blood flowing, and to create habit.   It didn't stick.

I think, though, beyond weight loss, I need to think more of my own health and what the benefits of regular exercise do.  I forget that piece sometimes and/or it falls away when the sidewalks are covered with a generous heaping of ice.  So, I forced myself to do a 1-mile walk.  Nothing I can't do in the 15 minutes I would normally use to Facebook stalk, right?

BETTER USE OF MY TIME

READ MORE

I love to read.  I don't set aside enough time to do it.  Period.

TAKE BETTER CONTROL OF MY MONEY

EAT SIMPLE FOODS AT HOME

I've been so stressed for years now that my money flies out the door in the shape of cheezy fries, beers, and "eating out" because I just don't have time.  Eating out is nice, and should be done sometimes for fun and leisure.  But it shouldn't eat up your entire salary.   I have to ditch the idea that every meal should be plated as if it were going to a king, and just throw stuff together.  It's usually healthier, and it's almost always cheaper.

LOSE WEIGHT

I don't feel the need to lose so much that people don't recognize me, but I do feel like I need to fit in my clothes and feel good in them.

LEARN SOMETHING NEW

I need to do this this year.

MY JOB

We'll see about my job, and what I do with that.  I love my job, but the bad management has made it a horrible, stressful place to work.  I can't have my life lead like that.  I just can't.

Anyway.  I think better life management will help.  After some struggles years ago, at times where we lived crisis to crisis, it kind of became our lives.  I don't want that.  I want to live accentuating the good moments in life, not just coping between the bad ones.  It's a rut, it's a habit.  But, I also have to believe things can change - I CAN CHANGE - and that I have control of that.

I hope you're having a good start to the new year!

The Things I Am

This has been another year of "getting by" for me.  More of me holding my life together, than me focusing on my own health.  I'm not sure if that will change or continue come 2017.

In a staff lunch we were talking about taking care of self.  It was our department, about seven of us, all in similar jobs.  We're all stressed out (some of us more than others).  We talked about how SELFISH you have to be if you want to take care of yourself.  It's easier when you don't have kids to look after.  It's easier if you don't have a spouse.  It's easiest if you only have to take care of YOURSELF.

I was doing that a few years ago, successfully.  I lost a significant amount of weight and felt better in my own skin.  I definitely struggled, but I was on a good path.

I no longer feel that way.  I drink almost every day (mostly from stress, and needing to "come down" from the day).  I feel unhappy in my relationship, and dedicate NO time to fixing that.  I feel time is slipping away with my kids (they are all almost adults now, and I feel like there's been so much wasted time).

As much as I love how far I've gotten in my "career" in the past few years, I'm not really happy with where I am in my life outside of that.  I've met new people, learned new things, accomplished goals (the job I'm in now is the job I couldn't even get an interview for a few years ago).  But, I wouldn't say I'm happier.  I have more knowledge.  As much as I love-hate my position, it's not who I am.  I've sort of lost myself in all of this.

The Things I am
I'm a mother.
I'm a crafter.
I'm spontaneous.
I'm a reader.
I'm a caregiver.
I'm a church-goer.
I'm a camper.
I'm a singer.
I'm a homemaker.
I'm a cook.
I'm a writer.
I'm a wife.
I'm a sister.
I'm a daughter.
I'm an animal-lover.
I'm a gardener.
I'm a photographer.
I'm a friend.

I'm literally none of those things anymore.  I am that person in tiny increments, sometimes.
I'm too consumed by my M-F, 9-5 job.
I only have so much to give, and I give most of it when I'm at my job.
Then I come home tired, angry, frustrated, and burnt out.

I know I'd be unhappy letting my job go.  I know it.

So, as much as this is the year to better myself, enjoy my family, and get back to my own roots... this is the year that I also quit my dream job and find one that accommodates my life, rather than having my life accommodate my job.  I want to travel.  I want to be healthier.  I want to explore more of the things I enjoyed before I threw myself into this crazy ring of work-work-work.

None of the Things I Am can be replaced by someone else.
But my position at work will have a replacement within two weeks, if I quit.