Eating My Vegetables

Hello.

I'm doing well. Maintaining within a few pound range. Not really lost anything for January, but not gained anything significant, either.

Well, except some more notches in the tool belt of positive thinking.

I have struggled. I have not journaled my food. But I maintained. Simple focus on the positive kept me from slingshotting into abandoned weight gain last month. Interesting. But, I do feel I need to kick it up a notch this month. Add a new twist, bring in a new element. Choices:

• Journal food and exercise
• Return to counting calories
• Exercise at least 3 times a week
• Counting calories and staying within a specific range

None of these I particularly favor, to be honest. They are all a means of keeping myself honest. They are all time-consuming. But as I look at them, I do see that they are necessary for me to gain accountability. Journaling my food is helpful, as is journaling exercise. In a way I feel as if just simply doing that, without setting a goal for either is not much of a help. But, I have to look at things in a different light. In a long-term light. In a way of changing and refocusing. 

So, my goal for the month, on top of viewing the positives, will be to journal everything I eat and journal what I do for exercise. No goals in mind, but simple reflection. That step is a gentle nudge into the next level of counting calories (and probably staying within a range) - we'll see. 

I am pleased that I've been able to stop the scale. I felt good when I woke up and sweated things out this morning. I'd like to get to a place where I were moving more. I'll get there.

Oh - and I've been clearing my head a bit more. Meditating, I guess you would say. But clearing my head, allowing myself to just be and not think. Too often I'm constantly churning, thinking, planning, assessing, ruminating over something-- anything, at all times. My brain needs rest, desperately. I need to allow for that.

Today I beefed up my menu with veggies. I'm not saying I could do that every day, but for two meals I added 1 cup of mixed (frozen) vegetables to my meal. For instance, for dinner I had Lean Cuisine Chicken Masala. I mixed in 1 cup of veggies in there. I think it "cost" me 80 calories or so. But, it also filled me up. It didn't change the flavor, or leave me feeling deprived - it did the opposite. It filled me up and I was less hungry today. Realistically I could do this more often, but not always. 

Mind And Spirit First

So, how's that JOY thing going for me?

FANTASTIC!!!

You can't hear my sarcasm, so it doesn't matter.

But, here's the thing: I'm trying. I'm working. I'm shifting my thoughts. I have a hump that need to get through. To power through. A funeral. I don't do very well with that stuff.

And then some other things.

My eating has been OK. But my mindfulness on the disastrous state of crankiness is at an all-time high, which makes me think I'm onto something.

I sincerely believe if I can tackle some of my joy-sapping behaviors, the food part will follow.

It's not quick, easy, or painless.

So, my JOY for today?

Cooking dinner for my family. (Food-related, I know this.) Chicken, rice, macaroni and cheese, and kale. Bacon. All of that. But getting some hearty food on the table for my family amidst the chaos. And watching my kids eat happily. Not to the point of being stuffed, fat and unhappy, but healthfully. That means SO much. They can lead by example and I can follow.

I had more than I should have (especially in the wine department). But I'm allowing myself to wallow in some greif. To get it out.

I'm still thankful for a nice view out a hospital window.
The smell of clean laundry.
A new appliance being delivered soon.
Healthy, happy kids.
Beautiful weather.
A doggy that loves me unconditionally. Who is soft and special.
A boss who is willing to let me off early so I can wallow in my sadness.
A renewed sense of being comfortable with who I am.

I'm on my way. Slowly.

Mind and spirit first, body second.

Hello 2012 JOY

I don't really know what I weigh right now. Could be somewhere around 295. It doesn't matter really. I'm uncomfortable, depressed and miserable in my own skin. But what else is new?

So, that's not really why I'm writing. I'm writing because it is a new year. New Years bring on a battery of emotions for fatties and fitties alike. Wanting to change, renew old vows of fitness and better eating... all that fun stuff.

I'm not exempt.

Not at all.

I'm scarily still motivated, even though my recent stint of eating well and exercising didn't budge much on the scale. Go figure. But still, what I am thinking about right now, as I ponder taking the financial and meaningful jump into the world of paid fitness memberships is - JOY.

Yeah. JOY. I keep reading blogs and posts of people who have lost HUGE amounts of weight and feel great and blablbla and why can't I be like them is the question in my brain most of the time.

I'm not JOYful at all. I'm rather a negative, depressive person. There's a connection there. It seems almost easier to change the body than the brain. For people who just make bad food choices, getting on a simple path of eating well can bring on (nearly instant), satisfying results. But for people like me, who eat more with the brain, the heart--emotions... it isn't just about "sensible choices." Which leaves me to wonder if I try to change the brain, then maybe I can find some success in my body (and life) as well.

I also have to give fair thought time to wondering if I just flat out like being a negative depressed person. What a joy I must be to be around, eh? But my joy (or learned comfort) is in misery. And when I'm happy, wondering when the next misery might come. Not wanting to start off the new year saying, "It's going to be a GREAT one!!!" because what if it isn't? What if it is laced with a cloud?

Because it is 2012 and I'm unhappy about a whole world of crap,  channeling my misery constantly. I have legitimate things to be unhappy about. Severe crosses to bear.  My spirit is messed up. I focus on that misery and miss the JOYS that come my way. I allow myself to smile, and enjoy a moment, but I don't really bask in it. I'm afraid to be happy. I'm wired to be negative.

No fitness blog worth reading is channeled in negativity. None. There is no success. That's where the fatness comes in. Connection? Must be.

So maybe my NYR needs to be one with less of a weight-related slant and more of a positive/joy related slant.

Happy no matter frigging what. You can be miserable, but then when someone comes along to cheer you up, you fight it because that misery is comfort on some level. You don't want to smile, you want to cry and whine, and kick and scream and pity.

What kind of life is that? Where have I been short-changing myself to partake in such misery constantly? Is it just me and I need to settle and that is just who I am and be Scrooge? Or can choosing JOY change a person?

What if I didn't satisfy that pity party for a while?

Weigh In - 287

Lean Cuisine Indian-style Masala. I like it. As much as I don't like microwaving foods in plastic containers, I do it. It's a compromise.

One of my hangups with better eating is the time and brain power it takes to track my food and exercise, plan (so that I don't resort to what is the easiest, and often less healthy), plan meals, and basically just to feed myself appropriately. I do purchase pre-portioned, packaged meals to grab for times like these. It is very easy for me to fail simply because I don't want to think. Today is one of those days.

Weigh In: 287. No change. Stayed the same. I did well. I ate under my calories and exercised. But the weekend came and I was busy and from sundown on Saturday to Sunday evening I didn't pay much attention. I hate to think that in the span of 24 hours I completely undid all of the good work from earlier on in the week. I'm still a bit confused on that one.

It was frustrating to see the scale make no change. I feel OK. Maybe slightly better. I don't know. I feel like I've kept on track. That's about it.

I also feel like when I let myself go, it makes it harder to pull back in. Which is why the pre-packaged meal came in handy.

What I DO like, though, is that my habits are taking a better path. I have to look at that. And I'm not gaining. I'm not on my way up to 300, like I was so fearful I would be.

So, those are little non-scale victories, which is what I can cling to today. Twice in the past 7 days I've gotten up and exercised early in the morning. That's something I simply Do Not Do. That's cool.

Continue.

That's the operative word for today. Just simply continue. Don't get frustrated, don't give up. Just keep going this week and don't worry about it.

287 - Discipline And Balance

I made it through 1 week of tracking my calories. Tracking them and staying within my range. Yesterday I went over by 20 I think, but in the scheme of things, that was OK, because I was under a couple days ago, too.

I truly wish I knew what it was that allows me to accomplish a week of sensible eating. Take a life-long snapshot of anyone who struggles with weight loss and see them jumping on and off the wagon. It's a true battle.

Right now my motivation is really how I feel. I don't like how my clothes fit. A year ago this time I felt so much better in my own body, and in my clothes. I was happily buying a smaller shirt size, and close to needing a smaller pant size. It frustrates me to have to be back-tracking, but it also frustrates me to have let myself slip.

I freaking love food. This week has been a victory food-wise, but I haven't been enjoying what I eat so much. Strangely, though, I also haven't really cared. My focus hasn't been on what I eat. It's almost like I have to not care to succeed. Last night I was going to indulge and splurge on some ice-cream. But I didn't. I stayed the course, came home and had one of my low fat ice creams. Probably wasn't as good, but I also didn't have regrets.

I'm hoping to continue this streak of better eating. I do know that we are set to have a dinner and drinks out this weekend, and I will probably go over. My goal is to do well this week and kick up the exercise so that I can relax a bit (still making sensible choices when we dine out) but not get too frustrated either way (frustrated because I'm not enjoying my food, or frustrated that my emphasis is too much on the food).

Balance.

I think I only walked twice this week. Right now our finances won't allow for a gym membership, but I really need to have something that burns more calories than walking. Something I can hop on quick during the day (treadmill or indoor bike). But we also need a major appliance and money is tight.

If only weight-loss was my only issue. Again, it is balancing everything. My eating, my exercising, my finances, on and on. Discipline. Balance. That's what will help me make progress everywhere in life. That, apparently, is what I need to learn.

OMG I'm Two-Ninety-Threeeee!!!

Well. Technically I'm 292. But it didn't rhyme, and at this point... whatever.

I weighed in on my Wii and was literally disgusted. I can't believe it.

I wish I were anorexic.

20 Pounds

I guess I'll write it out since it makes it all the more real. Not that a summer spent in stretchy pants doesn't make it pretty freaking real. Jeans that feel like they are cutting off circulation; real. Shoot, my own skin feels tight on my body. Reality.

I know how I gained it. Same way I lost it, just the opposite. I lost sight of caring, really. Food was more important. Dear God, I HATE this. I'm so tired of it. The struggle. Being thinner really is better than the food I've eaten to put on weight. I know it is. I remember how it felt. How good it felt to put clothes on and have them be loose. Everything felt good.

I knew the struggle would come back. Bit by bit, slice by slice, day by day. It's always there, like a crack-addict. It was easier to quit smoking, I tell you. Easier! I haven't smoked in over a decade. Don't really miss it, either. But then I don't have to smoke five cigarettes a day, no less no more. I have to eat.

I also have to buy food. I have to balance checkbooks. I have to make dinners, keep schedules, earn money, clean house, fix broken things, wash my hair, bathe my dog... sometimes - MOST times - it is just flat out easier to not care what I'm eating. Hard enough to make meals that are nutritious, delicious and cost efficious (not a word, but it's a rhyme-ier way of saying "efficient" so let it go)!

Here I go grumbling again.

I feel like a broken record. Like an addict that keeps falling off the wagon, over and over and over.

Maybe I needed to gain this weight to appreciate what I had. Not that I didn't appreciate it. I did. Oh how I did. Shopping for clothes at the thrift store. Fitting into them so much better.

I have to remember what I liked, what felt good, how good it felt... or I'm going to continue heading down the path of self-destruction.

I was less self-conscious.
My clothes felt great.
I felt great.
I had more energy.
I didn't worry about where I sat.
I was more comfortable.

This was just 20 pounds. Twenty. Simple. Pounds. Right now I am the opposite of all of those things. Even though I'm not nearly as heavy as I was at my highest weight, I've been on the other side of 270 and it felt happier there. I was closer to 250 than 300. I liked it.

I want to go back.