Well. Technically I'm 292. But it didn't rhyme, and at this point... whatever.
I weighed in on my Wii and was literally disgusted. I can't believe it.
I wish I were anorexic.
(Each
represents 1 pound gone)
338|
| 286
53 gone, 87 more to go to 198
20 Pounds
I guess I'll write it out since it makes it all the more real. Not that a summer spent in stretchy pants doesn't make it pretty freaking real. Jeans that feel like they are cutting off circulation; real. Shoot, my own skin feels tight on my body. Reality.
I know how I gained it. Same way I lost it, just the opposite. I lost sight of caring, really. Food was more important. Dear God, I HATE this. I'm so tired of it. The struggle. Being thinner really is better than the food I've eaten to put on weight. I know it is. I remember how it felt. How good it felt to put clothes on and have them be loose. Everything felt good.
I knew the struggle would come back. Bit by bit, slice by slice, day by day. It's always there, like a crack-addict. It was easier to quit smoking, I tell you. Easier! I haven't smoked in over a decade. Don't really miss it, either. But then I don't have to smoke five cigarettes a day, no less no more. I have to eat.
I also have to buy food. I have to balance checkbooks. I have to make dinners, keep schedules, earn money, clean house, fix broken things, wash my hair, bathe my dog... sometimes - MOST times - it is just flat out easier to not care what I'm eating. Hard enough to make meals that are nutritious, delicious and cost efficious (not a word, but it's a rhyme-ier way of saying "efficient" so let it go)!
Here I go grumbling again.
I feel like a broken record. Like an addict that keeps falling off the wagon, over and over and over.
Maybe I needed to gain this weight to appreciate what I had. Not that I didn't appreciate it. I did. Oh how I did. Shopping for clothes at the thrift store. Fitting into them so much better.
I have to remember what I liked, what felt good, how good it felt... or I'm going to continue heading down the path of self-destruction.
I was less self-conscious.
My clothes felt great.
I felt great.
I had more energy.
I didn't worry about where I sat.
I was more comfortable.
This was just 20 pounds. Twenty. Simple. Pounds. Right now I am the opposite of all of those things. Even though I'm not nearly as heavy as I was at my highest weight, I've been on the other side of 270 and it felt happier there. I was closer to 250 than 300. I liked it.
I want to go back.
I know how I gained it. Same way I lost it, just the opposite. I lost sight of caring, really. Food was more important. Dear God, I HATE this. I'm so tired of it. The struggle. Being thinner really is better than the food I've eaten to put on weight. I know it is. I remember how it felt. How good it felt to put clothes on and have them be loose. Everything felt good.
I knew the struggle would come back. Bit by bit, slice by slice, day by day. It's always there, like a crack-addict. It was easier to quit smoking, I tell you. Easier! I haven't smoked in over a decade. Don't really miss it, either. But then I don't have to smoke five cigarettes a day, no less no more. I have to eat.
I also have to buy food. I have to balance checkbooks. I have to make dinners, keep schedules, earn money, clean house, fix broken things, wash my hair, bathe my dog... sometimes - MOST times - it is just flat out easier to not care what I'm eating. Hard enough to make meals that are nutritious, delicious and cost efficious (not a word, but it's a rhyme-ier way of saying "efficient" so let it go)!
Here I go grumbling again.
I feel like a broken record. Like an addict that keeps falling off the wagon, over and over and over.
Maybe I needed to gain this weight to appreciate what I had. Not that I didn't appreciate it. I did. Oh how I did. Shopping for clothes at the thrift store. Fitting into them so much better.
I have to remember what I liked, what felt good, how good it felt... or I'm going to continue heading down the path of self-destruction.
I was less self-conscious.
My clothes felt great.
I felt great.
I had more energy.
I didn't worry about where I sat.
I was more comfortable.
This was just 20 pounds. Twenty. Simple. Pounds. Right now I am the opposite of all of those things. Even though I'm not nearly as heavy as I was at my highest weight, I've been on the other side of 270 and it felt happier there. I was closer to 250 than 300. I liked it.
I want to go back.
Stress Eating
I've had SO much going on over the last couple of weeks. Life changes, family challenges, work. It doesn't matter, though, as if I were unique. We all have these things happen. We all experience the challenges and joys in life. I'm not looking for pity. I'm reflecting.
I did well for a bit there, biking a lot, walking a lot. Being active, eating sensibly while still enjoying the fruits of summer. And then the stressors hit. I ate because it was easier than thinking about it. I ate, because it was comforting.
I can be sure that the scale would reflect my "comforting" if I were to step on it today.
But the real reason that I come here at midnight to pound out a quick post/note to self is to document the fact that:
I've had fast food for 3 days straight (eeeew).
Today, on a day of massive stress and sadness I made popcorn with butter and salt, ate brie with honey and a yummy crusty bread. Drank half a bottle of wine.
... and I yearn for more.
I found myself doing the weirdest thing ever. Instead of reaching for the 6-pack of Hershey's chocolate bars I have stashed in the cupboard for s'more making, I grabbed a bag of lettuce, ripped it open, put a few handfuls in a bowl.
Ate a leaf of lettuce. Chewed.
Totally skipped the dressing. No olive oil and vinegar, no Ranch, no nothing. I ate that baby naked. And I liked it. I could probably stuff the whole bag down my throat if I wanted to. I just... I wanted to chew. I wanted something. And I got it from a bag of lettuce.
I did well for a bit there, biking a lot, walking a lot. Being active, eating sensibly while still enjoying the fruits of summer. And then the stressors hit. I ate because it was easier than thinking about it. I ate, because it was comforting.
I can be sure that the scale would reflect my "comforting" if I were to step on it today.
But the real reason that I come here at midnight to pound out a quick post/note to self is to document the fact that:
I've had fast food for 3 days straight (eeeew).
Today, on a day of massive stress and sadness I made popcorn with butter and salt, ate brie with honey and a yummy crusty bread. Drank half a bottle of wine.
... and I yearn for more.
I found myself doing the weirdest thing ever. Instead of reaching for the 6-pack of Hershey's chocolate bars I have stashed in the cupboard for s'more making, I grabbed a bag of lettuce, ripped it open, put a few handfuls in a bowl.
Ate a leaf of lettuce. Chewed.
Totally skipped the dressing. No olive oil and vinegar, no Ranch, no nothing. I ate that baby naked. And I liked it. I could probably stuff the whole bag down my throat if I wanted to. I just... I wanted to chew. I wanted something. And I got it from a bag of lettuce.
Bike Ride: 6.88 miles
Only by the grace of God. Yesterday I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown from heatstroke and PMS. I got my period. I had a stressful day at work, stress with family.
I wanted to hunt, kill and eat. Drink. Cry.
I went over my calorie intake, but darnit I JOURNALED EVERY BITE, EVERY CALORIE.
This morning I woke up and went on a bike ride. In the horrific heat, or shall I say despite the horrific heat. I biked, I sweat, I made it.
Praise God.
I wanted to hunt, kill and eat. Drink. Cry.
I went over my calorie intake, but darnit I JOURNALED EVERY BITE, EVERY CALORIE.
This morning I woke up and went on a bike ride. In the horrific heat, or shall I say despite the horrific heat. I biked, I sweat, I made it.
Praise God.
A-Z Meme
Stealing a fun little meme from The Tortise...
A: is for Apple, what's your favorite variety?
Oh goodness... probably Pink Lady.
B: is for Bread, regardless of nutrition, calories, or whole grains what is your favorite type to have a nice big piece of?
It depends on what I'm eating it with. If it is peanut butter and honey - a nice grainy whole wheat bread, brie... a crusty Italian, soup - sourdough... I love bread.
C: is for Cereal what is your favorite kind currently (just one!)
Oh no. This is a list of favorites and those are always hard for me, so dependent on my mood. Um... oatmeal. Very versatile.
D: is for Doughnuts, you might not currently be eating them but what kind do you fancy?
Fritters!
E: is for Eggs, how would you like yours prepared?
Generally fried, but I like scrambled and omelettes, too.
F: is for Fat Free, what is your favorite fat free product?
Probably nothing. Twizzlers? :p
G: is for Groceries, where do you purchase yours at?
It depends on where the deals are at. Local grocers, Wal-mart, Costco.
H: is for Hot Beverages, what is your favorite hot drink?
Coffee. Black.
I: is for Ice Cream, pick a favorite flavor and add a fun topping.
Hmm. Another difficult one. Depends on my mood. But I like Butter Brickle. Hard to find, though.
J: is for Jams or Jellies, do you eat them, and if so what kind and flavor?
Not usually. If I do, a mixed berry or strawberry.
K: is for Kashi, name your favorite Kashi product?
Probably none. They usually have soy and proteins that I don't care for. I buy the bars sometimes.
L: is for Lunch, what was yours today?
That is yet to be determined.
M: is for microwave, what is your favorite microwave meal/snack?
Not a big fan of microwaves. If I had to choose I'd say popcorn.
N: is for nutrients, do you like carbs, fats, or proteins best?
All of the above? Carbs with some fat and salt.
O: is for oil, what kind do you like to use?
EVOO. Love me some olive oil.
P: is for protein, how do you get yours?
Usually eggs, meat.
Q: is for Quaker, how do you like your oats?
With walnuts and a smidge of sweetness.
R: is for roasting, what is your favorite thing to roast?
Corn! Not for me to do it, but for me to eat it. Yum.
S: is for sandwich, what’s your favorite kind?
Right now I'd have to say tuna. But my flavor tastes do change.
T: is for travel, how do you handle eating while traveling?
If I'm being good I continue to track food, take stairs as much as possible and get out for walks. If I'm not being good I enjoy the heck out of the local cuisine.
U: is for unique, what is one of your weirdest food combos?
Hmm... I can't think of anything too strange right now, but I'm sure I have some that others would find weird. I do like to dip fries in mayonnaise or ranch dressing.
V: is for vitamins, what kind do you take?
None, usually. Occasional B and Multi or D.
W: is for wasabi, yay or nay?
Only with sushi.
X: is for X-RAY. If we x-rayed your belly right now, what food would we see?
Water, orange, eggs, toast.
Y: is for youth, what food reminds you of your childhood?
Too many. My life in food has been quite a journey.
Z: is for zucchini, how do you prepare it?
Usually just sauteed or roasted, sometimes in bread.
A: is for Apple, what's your favorite variety?
Oh goodness... probably Pink Lady.
B: is for Bread, regardless of nutrition, calories, or whole grains what is your favorite type to have a nice big piece of?
It depends on what I'm eating it with. If it is peanut butter and honey - a nice grainy whole wheat bread, brie... a crusty Italian, soup - sourdough... I love bread.
C: is for Cereal what is your favorite kind currently (just one!)
Oh no. This is a list of favorites and those are always hard for me, so dependent on my mood. Um... oatmeal. Very versatile.
D: is for Doughnuts, you might not currently be eating them but what kind do you fancy?
Fritters!
E: is for Eggs, how would you like yours prepared?
Generally fried, but I like scrambled and omelettes, too.
F: is for Fat Free, what is your favorite fat free product?
Probably nothing. Twizzlers? :p
G: is for Groceries, where do you purchase yours at?
It depends on where the deals are at. Local grocers, Wal-mart, Costco.
H: is for Hot Beverages, what is your favorite hot drink?
Coffee. Black.
I: is for Ice Cream, pick a favorite flavor and add a fun topping.
Hmm. Another difficult one. Depends on my mood. But I like Butter Brickle. Hard to find, though.
J: is for Jams or Jellies, do you eat them, and if so what kind and flavor?
Not usually. If I do, a mixed berry or strawberry.
K: is for Kashi, name your favorite Kashi product?
Probably none. They usually have soy and proteins that I don't care for. I buy the bars sometimes.
L: is for Lunch, what was yours today?
That is yet to be determined.
M: is for microwave, what is your favorite microwave meal/snack?
Not a big fan of microwaves. If I had to choose I'd say popcorn.
N: is for nutrients, do you like carbs, fats, or proteins best?
All of the above? Carbs with some fat and salt.
O: is for oil, what kind do you like to use?
EVOO. Love me some olive oil.
P: is for protein, how do you get yours?
Usually eggs, meat.
Q: is for Quaker, how do you like your oats?
With walnuts and a smidge of sweetness.
R: is for roasting, what is your favorite thing to roast?
Corn! Not for me to do it, but for me to eat it. Yum.
S: is for sandwich, what’s your favorite kind?
Right now I'd have to say tuna. But my flavor tastes do change.
T: is for travel, how do you handle eating while traveling?
If I'm being good I continue to track food, take stairs as much as possible and get out for walks. If I'm not being good I enjoy the heck out of the local cuisine.
U: is for unique, what is one of your weirdest food combos?
Hmm... I can't think of anything too strange right now, but I'm sure I have some that others would find weird. I do like to dip fries in mayonnaise or ranch dressing.
V: is for vitamins, what kind do you take?
None, usually. Occasional B and Multi or D.
W: is for wasabi, yay or nay?
Only with sushi.
X: is for X-RAY. If we x-rayed your belly right now, what food would we see?
Water, orange, eggs, toast.
Y: is for youth, what food reminds you of your childhood?
Too many. My life in food has been quite a journey.
Z: is for zucchini, how do you prepare it?
Usually just sauteed or roasted, sometimes in bread.
275... Again
Dangabbit. Back up at 275. Well, my "regular scale" says 280, but it is 5pds off from what my Wii scale says, so I'll go with the 275 (2pds for clothes, 3 for adjustment). I feel 280, so it really doesn't matter.
I've been tracking food, and am shooting for doing it faithfully for the next 5 days. It is a busy week with kids getting out of school and everything, but I think I can do it. Prioritize. How was it so easy when I was doing it a year or so ago? Why can I not get that mojo back?
I'm a'working on it.
Today I went out in the heat and took the doggie for a walk. He could only do about 20 minutes, but that was better than nothing, and we hit a hill on the way, too. I came home and did some sit-ups and plan to be consciously active throughout the day.
Hope you have a great day!!!
I've been tracking food, and am shooting for doing it faithfully for the next 5 days. It is a busy week with kids getting out of school and everything, but I think I can do it. Prioritize. How was it so easy when I was doing it a year or so ago? Why can I not get that mojo back?
I'm a'working on it.
Today I went out in the heat and took the doggie for a walk. He could only do about 20 minutes, but that was better than nothing, and we hit a hill on the way, too. I came home and did some sit-ups and plan to be consciously active throughout the day.
Hope you have a great day!!!
My Addiction To Food
My addiction to food both disgusts and amazes me.
I love food in good and healthy ways. But (sometimes) I use it in ways food is not intended to be used. Don't go all mind-in-the-gutter on me. I mean that there are times when I can prepare my oatmeal and walnuts, pack a shake for lunch and a piece of fruit and use food to nourish my body. This is fine, good, and controllable. But when I come home, whip up some waffles, reheat some pork chops and gorge, it doesn't feel good.
It doesn't even feel right.
Strangely, I cut out all the fat on the chops, and was reasonable with the waffles, but it was a big production of food-making, planning, anticipating... and then a frenzy. I ate fast and hard, like I've seen my kid do (and don't like because it is a reflection of me). I enjoyed the sweet, salty, chewy, buttery flavors mixed together and washed down with ice-cold milk. I knew I wouldn't journal my food because it was already a failure.
I caught myself gobbling.
It's disgusting.
I finished off with one more small waffle, lathered with peanut butter. I totally didn't need it, and could have powered through, not eating it. But I did. I wanted it.
I tell myself I'm fine, but I'm not sure if I am. Either by habit or by emotions that I've blocked, I managed to cancel out my thoughtful eating this morning with a few minutes of feasting. I feel full. Heavy with food and drink. Satiated. Disappointed in myself. Wanting to shed the pounds I've gained (about 7). Wanting to get past the goal I made months ago.
I'm not letting myself do it. Why?
I love food in good and healthy ways. But (sometimes) I use it in ways food is not intended to be used. Don't go all mind-in-the-gutter on me. I mean that there are times when I can prepare my oatmeal and walnuts, pack a shake for lunch and a piece of fruit and use food to nourish my body. This is fine, good, and controllable. But when I come home, whip up some waffles, reheat some pork chops and gorge, it doesn't feel good.
It doesn't even feel right.
Strangely, I cut out all the fat on the chops, and was reasonable with the waffles, but it was a big production of food-making, planning, anticipating... and then a frenzy. I ate fast and hard, like I've seen my kid do (and don't like because it is a reflection of me). I enjoyed the sweet, salty, chewy, buttery flavors mixed together and washed down with ice-cold milk. I knew I wouldn't journal my food because it was already a failure.
I caught myself gobbling.
It's disgusting.
I finished off with one more small waffle, lathered with peanut butter. I totally didn't need it, and could have powered through, not eating it. But I did. I wanted it.
I tell myself I'm fine, but I'm not sure if I am. Either by habit or by emotions that I've blocked, I managed to cancel out my thoughtful eating this morning with a few minutes of feasting. I feel full. Heavy with food and drink. Satiated. Disappointed in myself. Wanting to shed the pounds I've gained (about 7). Wanting to get past the goal I made months ago.
I'm not letting myself do it. Why?
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