I'm A Good Listener

I'm a good listener. It has its drawbacks. When you're so darn good at listening (when it counts), people forget you might have something to say. I say a lot. I talk. But not always when it counts. Not always when my heart is bleeding and I need a band-aid.

This has been bothering me lately. The more I thought about it, though, the more I realized I should be grateful for my capacity to lend an ear. For the times when people have said, "You should be a counselor." Or thanked me. There were times when it was my own boss who said those words.

I felt good. Not a proud good, but a good feeling. I don't have tons of money, I don't have a lot of time. But I do have ears that can listen, empathize; a heart that can weep and encourage. 

To be able to give that away should be a blessing, not a curse. Today I am remaining thankful for that gift. 

There are parts of me that are good, but I've stuffed them down and rejected them and I'm not sure why. As much as I'd love to lose weight, be skinny and have the physical attributes I desire, I also want to find myself in the process. There are these small glimmers of hope that I can do that. I am ready to do that.

Joy First

I have cute sheets and a fluffy, cozy comforter.

Filtered water.

Healthy children.

A cold beer.

Burgers on the grill.

Air conditioning in my home.

A house full of things (that I might look at as clutter).

A job.

I have a lot to be thankful for and today I am choosing to focus on that.

Or... at least for this hour I am. :)

I Have No Friends

That doesn't sound good.
But it is true.

I really don't.

I have my husband, who I tell most everything to. There are positives and negatives to that. Positive, because we are close and I at least have one person to vent to. Negative because I start to see him as a girlfriend and not a husband.

I guess on the outside you would think I have a lot of friends. I have people I see regularly. I'm friendly, know people almost everywhere I go, can talk with almost everyone there is. Yet, when I have a moment when I want to pick up the phone, call someone and cry-- there's nobody to call.

I'm sure this is a burden for my husband, too. So as much as I wish I didn't have to talk to him about things, I'm sure he wishes the same, too. To some extent. Some of it (a lot really) is parenting stuff, which is good to discuss with your spouse.

My mother is there 50% of the time. If I call and really really need to vent to her, she'll listen. She'll be there. But she can be hot and cold about it. She's moved away, and phone conversations are nothing like face-to-face.

It's a sick position to be in. I feel entirely alone, even though there are people all around me.

I've lost a few pounds.

Yay.

Ask me if I care. I do. I care. It would just be more discouragement if the scale were going up instead of slightly leaning downward. So that's a HUGE positive. I have so much discouragement in my life right now that I don't really need more.

If you've read this at all you'd know that I have ups and downs and fight depression a lot. This is one of those times. This is a time where I'd love to hole up with a bottle, pills or something and go into a coma for about a month.

Finances.
Family.
Fatness.
Hair.
Fears.
Friends.
(And lack thereof.)

I guess along with blessings come pain and trials. My finances are horrible. We can't keep up. School costs, food, gas, bills, cars... they are engulfing us. My husband will work extra just to make ends meet. Surely we aren't alone in that. I feel like a widow, going through all of this alone. I'm thankful for him taking on extra work, but I'm paralyzed by the overwhelming task of doing everything else.

It's not a good day today. My goal is to keep my head up. Period. That's it. To not jump off a cliff. To grasp the positive with bloody fingers, and not let it slip out of my hands.

I have family to worry about, kids to feed. A body of abundance, well fed and nourished. A car to drive to the store. A stove to cook dinner on. A bed to sleep in, washer to clean our clothes. Lotion to put on my dry skin. My mother is alive. 

My blessings are bountiful. My blessings are bountiful. My blessings... bountiful.

291 - Contemplating the Ups and Downs

I saw this and it hit home. Made sense.

PRIORFATGIRL:

One moment, I’m holding my head high, confident that healthiness is about how I feel. Healthiness is about balance, about life. Healthiness is about how I feel, not what I weigh.

And then, the next moment, I find myself struggling to embrace who I am in my own body. Struggling to love myself for who I am, not the weight I gained.

What is healthy living and living healthy?

When you’re up, you’re up and when you’re down, you’re down.

When you’re up, you feel like you have figured it out.

When you’re down, you feel like you’ll never get there.

When you’re up, you make eye contact and stand proud.

When you’re down, you compare and retreat.

What is an up without a down.

 Very true. Right now, today, this moment, I'm on an UP. I feel good, I'm motivated. I'm tired of how my clothes feel. I've had 3 good days of eating and tracking. My weigh-in says I've lost 2 pounds. Great. Good. Love it.

One thing I know though, is that no matter if I'm UP or DOWN, I'm thinking about food. My life revolves around it. Does that ever change? If you're an emotional eater, does life ever stop revolving around your (addiction to) food? Right now I have some simple go-to foods that I've eating on a rotating basis, basically just to keep my calories where I want them. Even though they aren't special or spectacular, I'm still finding I'm thinking about the food. Not obsessively, but probably more than I should. I'm forced to think because I'm tracking it, too.

As I read the above blog, though, I had a two-sided reaction.


My first reaction was ahead hanging knowledge of the roller coaster, the ups and downs and in betweens. How when you're UP you can't imagine being anything but, and when you're DOWN you so badly want the magic, the feeling of being UP. I don't know what it is that triggers those times when I'm motivated and all is going well, and what is missing when I'm not.

Find that, and I bet you've got the golden ticket for a LOT of fat people. How many people have you seen lose weight, perform complete transformations on their body, only to gain it back again. How can you go from 400 pounds to 190 and then back to 400+ pounds? I mean, it's slow. It happens, you have to notice, right?

Seems almost akin to fighting a cancer that just wants to be in your body. If your body just wants to get fat again, it will trick your every being into getting there. It will cut you at the soul, remove resistance, and push you back where you were. No matter the humiliation, no matter the tears, no matter how bad you want it - it WILL get you there (see WLS patients who have gone back to their HW and then some... what gives?).

My second reaction was the realization that I can have joy at 294 pounds. I truly can. Maybe I can't have the activities and the body in clothes that other people have, but I can have joy. I've found ways to be happy that come from other sources besides my physical being. That is truly important. Disconnecting the failure and success of my life and its joy source to the state of my body. Praise God for that. People with less mobility than myself are happy. Truly happy. People larger than myself are happy -- just as happy as the 105 pound marathon-running triathlete. Some even more so.

There are people that would look at my fat, happy newlywed friends and think, if only they were healthier and thinner. But if they shut off their own inner stigma, they might notice they ARE HAPPY, and having the TIME OF THEIR LIFE.

In no way am I disputing that having a smaller body can't or won't increase my joy base. I'm sure it would. But I'm also encouraged by people who find joy no matter their circumstance. Love the body you are in, accepting it.

My personal comfort in my body isn't where I'd like it to be right now. I'm at about 60% capacity. I think, with some weight loss, I could be at 80%, and that would bring me 20% more joy.

Re-Starting

I truly hate to even be here.

OK, that's not true. I'm happy to still be here. I'd have hoped to be closer to 200 pounds than I am right now, though. Now... I'm back at square one again.

293 pounds today, says my Wii fit.

I've left my trackers where they were. I look at them and realize that was back in 2010. That wasn't last fall, las summer or winter, that was TWO years ago. I can't hang on to those goals as if they were yesterday.

I'm starting anew. Re-Starting instead of pretending that I've just recently fallen off. When I look at 2010 and see that I was 269 (30 pounds less than I am now), I wish I would have stuck with it. Had I, I would probably be closer to 200 pounds. 20 pounds a year is doable. Even 10 pounds a year would put me at 249. How wonderful would that have been! I can't imagine. 269 was a treat. The clothes I could wear, the way I felt in my skin. It is good to remember that.


Moving forward, though, I need to take a deep breath, stay on the course. Remind myself that steady is OK. 


What I am pleased with is that I didn't hit 300. I didn't go back to where I was. I'm getting close, if I don't change, though. I'm skirting the issue and need to face it head on, even though I know it will sting.


Over the last two years I've gotten a CPAP machine. Maybe I'd need one at 250, but maybe not. 
I don't want one. 
I hate it.
It doesn't give me good results, either. If it did, I might love it.


I've had elevated glucose readings.
I need to go back and get it rechecked. 
I've been dodging that.


I'm uncomfortable.


I'm avoiding activities (people, places, things) because of my fatness.


IT IS INHIBITING MY LIFE


If it were anyone else I'd tell them to CHANGE IT. Change what is holding you back during this short time on earth and shoot for your goals. Make a mark. Bless people. It is hard to do any of those things when you are holding back, hiding from the world because you are uncomfortable in your own skin.

I am fortunate that I don't have any more severe issues at this point in my life. But I have a few that could easily be combatted by some work on my end. I've been given a break - so far - and blessed with a spot of motivation. I need to prove to myself, my family, and my God that I can live out my own words.

Living out my own faith. Discipline. It is not easy. I enjoy food. But there's so much else to enjoy in life that I'm missing and giving up for food. That isn't right.

Working Out Is Time Consuming

For the last couple weeks I've been working out at home. This isn't something "new" but it isn't the same old workout. I have Supreme 90 Day System workout and have finally cracked into it. I've only been doing it for a couple weeks, and only a couple times a week. The other days I do my regular walking (although I've been adding more hills into my walk to burn more calories). It hasn't added up to much on the scale, but we all know THE SCALE ISN'T EVERYTHING.

As I said in my last post, I'm trying to change things. My outlook on life, my core being. I haven't been journaling food. It is time-consuming and I'm just not there yet. But I have been journaling my JOYs, paying attention to the world around me and soaking in the moments that are GOOD. You can't really measure that on a scale. But, if I had to, I'd say it has stopped the freight train of weight gain that I was riding on, twirling my licorice rope above my head saying, yipee.

On my way to 300, I brought the train to a screeching halt, and have turned it around. My last weigh-in was 289. It isn't a whole lot, but it is way better than 299. With just a few weeks of pushing my body in ways that I don't normally push it, I feel stronger. Yesterday I walked up the hill and hardly noticed it. I was busy switching the song on my ipod and smiling at my dog, and huffed right up the hill. It was great.

I just got done with a cardio workout. As I finished, I noted that working out is time consuming. It. Takes. Up. Time. I should be shopping. I should be balancing a checkbook. I should be doing a lot of things. But, it is important to me today to carve out some time to sweat (gosh, I love a good, sweaty workout), challenge my body. But it has taken me an hour of getting ready, doing the workout, cooling down, showering. I have to fit it in on my day off. Small step to prioritize my fitness/health on my day off. But, it really does pay off in other ways.

Eating My Vegetables

Hello.

I'm doing well. Maintaining within a few pound range. Not really lost anything for January, but not gained anything significant, either.

Well, except some more notches in the tool belt of positive thinking.

I have struggled. I have not journaled my food. But I maintained. Simple focus on the positive kept me from slingshotting into abandoned weight gain last month. Interesting. But, I do feel I need to kick it up a notch this month. Add a new twist, bring in a new element. Choices:

• Journal food and exercise
• Return to counting calories
• Exercise at least 3 times a week
• Counting calories and staying within a specific range

None of these I particularly favor, to be honest. They are all a means of keeping myself honest. They are all time-consuming. But as I look at them, I do see that they are necessary for me to gain accountability. Journaling my food is helpful, as is journaling exercise. In a way I feel as if just simply doing that, without setting a goal for either is not much of a help. But, I have to look at things in a different light. In a long-term light. In a way of changing and refocusing. 

So, my goal for the month, on top of viewing the positives, will be to journal everything I eat and journal what I do for exercise. No goals in mind, but simple reflection. That step is a gentle nudge into the next level of counting calories (and probably staying within a range) - we'll see. 

I am pleased that I've been able to stop the scale. I felt good when I woke up and sweated things out this morning. I'd like to get to a place where I were moving more. I'll get there.

Oh - and I've been clearing my head a bit more. Meditating, I guess you would say. But clearing my head, allowing myself to just be and not think. Too often I'm constantly churning, thinking, planning, assessing, ruminating over something-- anything, at all times. My brain needs rest, desperately. I need to allow for that.

Today I beefed up my menu with veggies. I'm not saying I could do that every day, but for two meals I added 1 cup of mixed (frozen) vegetables to my meal. For instance, for dinner I had Lean Cuisine Chicken Masala. I mixed in 1 cup of veggies in there. I think it "cost" me 80 calories or so. But, it also filled me up. It didn't change the flavor, or leave me feeling deprived - it did the opposite. It filled me up and I was less hungry today. Realistically I could do this more often, but not always.