I Overindulged On Labor Day

I should update here.

Today is the first day back to school for my kids. The house is quiet, but empty without them here. I have a list of things I need to do and know I will not have enough time to do all of it. But I'm at peace. I'll do what I can do.

A backpack.
Dinner.
Laundry.

I can handle those things.

The rest... we'll see.

¶

I went off my low carb"diet" on Labor Day.

Not for the entire day, but for a meal. I had a beer. I had macaroni and cheese. I had potatoes. I had wine (normally I allow that, but I'm throwing it in there). I had cake. And pie. And then I had another bite of the cake. And the pie.

And then I started to feel sick. Not like just my tummy was about to explode, but like I wanted to crawl out of my own skin and pump my stomach sick. I had this feeling once before when I drank wine and ate dinner at a friend's house. I think there was hidden carbs/sugar in the chicken's sauce, and I didn't have enough other non-carb fillers to buffer the blow.

I literally thought I was going to melt. I can't explain the feeling, but it's beyond a pat on the tummy to indicate a well-indulged meal. It's a feeling like something is freaking WRONG in my system, and my body wants to expel it, even if it has to squirt it through my eyeballs.

It was nice to just eat like everyone else and not worry about it. I still loaded up on meat and kept the others to small portions, but after having none, even small portions is a shock. I do have to say that over and above the dessert (which was SO good), was the macaroni and cheese. I'll have to try that using cauliflower instead for a sub, because I really do enjoy that recipe. I enjoy mac and cheese.

I also was a bloated animal, weighing 258 on the scale the next day. I'm down to 255 today, but I can see that the ramifications are lasting a bit.

However, I think I needed that "cheat day/meal" - I have been for a while. It reminded me of why I'm eating the way I'm eating. I felt somewhere on the scale of that ickiness quite often while I was eating carbs, and it wasn't pleasant.

I'll keep figuring this out. Right now I need to refocus on losing weight. I won't make that 100 pound loss by my deadline. But I bet I can make it by Christmas if I really try. What a treat it would be to me to be able to feel baggy in my comfortable clothes now? It would be a HUGE treat. I'm not at a weight that I think is sustainable for ever, though, I could. It's better than 338 or 295. But I'd like to get rid of another 50ish pounds and see if I can maintain that.

I hope by this time next year I'm at that point. I certainly could be.

Despite How Crappy I Feel, I Worked Out

I cracked my Bible.
I read a Psalm.
I read a bit of Job.
I put on my sneakers.
I went to the place I hate.
I got on the treadmill.
I sweated my butt off for 30 minutes (for my body and my mind).
I went and stretched my achy arms from toning the other day.
I left.

I did it. That's all.
I think it's a non-scale victory.

:)

Help Me Through This Week

Each week presents its own challenge. This one is moving my kid back to college.
School shopping.

Emotions. That's what it is.

I don't mind the kids going back to school, but I also love having my kids around. I'm not excited about my college-aged kid leaving again, because I know that some day he'll be out on his own and I won't have him here eating dinners, taking showers, sleeping under the same roof as us. I know that will be true eventually for all of them, and I'm not looking forward to it. I really cherish these times.

This weekend we went to the park and just watched our big kids hang out with each other. If I could have stopped the world and hung out at that place in time for infinity, I'd be content.

Life is a racing train and there's times you want it to speed up, and others when you're hitting the brakes trying desperately to slow it down.


Emotions:
I'm doing better. I'm hanging in there. I'm not as sharp-edged, angry, quick-tempered as I was a week ago. I need to talk to my doctor about this PMS as soon as possible. It's so horrible. Awful. When I'm not feeling that way, I look back and kind of shudder at how horrible it feels.

Still, emotions are what often drives me. Drives my food/eating, my exercising or non-exercising.

Eating:
I've slacked off a lot. Not tracked my calories or water, not intentional exercised. This week I have to push myself to keep on track. To gain would make me miserable. I don't want that to happen. I've been keeping pretty low-carb and on track that way, but have let a few things pass my lips I shouldn't have - but I brought my own food to my girl's dinner, and didn't cheat there. Victory.

Drinking:
I also slipped and had a 1/2 a beer. It's been MONTHS since I've had a beer. But that 1/2 beer was enough. It was tasty, and then I moved on to my Zevia cola. I was happy about that. I made a point to myself NOT to be drinking - not to celebrate, and not to numb pain. Whatever I'm feeling, I want to feel. I had a few glasses of wine at my girls' dinner, so I really didn't need to be having anything again the next night.

Goals:
I don't have any lofty goals right now besides simply wanting to make it through the week with grace. I want to walk. I want to eat right. I want to keep my composure and not lose it when I drop my kid off at school. I want to not be nervous and anxious and worried.

I plan to read my Bible more this week and lean on that rather than my food and my drinks. I plan to focus on the blessings in front of me. I do have many.

Anyway, I'm OK. I'm hanging in there, and trying to refocus myself.  I'm not saying things have gone from crappy to perfect - but I'm trying to catch myself.

I'm Not Going To Make It

I've got some good news, and some bad news. Which one do you want first?

Bad?

OK.

BAD NEWS:
I've had this goal of trying to get down 100 pounds before my birthday and there's literally no way.

I counted I have 7 weeks. That would be a bit over a pound a week.

I just don't think I can do it.

I mean, yeah. I don't think so. I was trying in my head to say - maybe if you pushed it super hard?

But... that's just not me. I don't push super hard like that because it generally leads to a rebound of crazy eating patterns. My body can only take so much deprivation.


GOOD NEWS:
I had a good day yesterday. I want to go back to the "no alcohol" thing for a few days - maybe even a week. That would take me over the weekend, which would be a struggle, but I'm contemplating. Alcohol stalls my weight loss, but it also feeds me carbs and sugar (in the form of red wine). I eat more when I have drinks for two reasons:

Cocktails taste good with food

I'm in the habit of "buffering" the alcohol and carbs with food.

I notice I'm less hungry and more satisfied when I'm not having cocktails.

So, for me, drinking daily isn't conducive to weight loss - even if it is a glass of wine at night.

Hmm. As I read this I'm not really sure if that's "good" news. I love my red wine. But - when I'm not drinking my red wine, I love fitting into my clothes and feeling better in my skin. I have to remember that and remind myself of it often.

This is NOW and right now, I'm trying to lose, not maintain. It's just not an option right now.

Oh, and I think I sleep better when I don't have a cocktail.
I'm also less likely to be dehydrated.

Need I more reasons?

That’s because alcohol cravings and carbohydrate cravings seem to have similar origins in the brain. (link)

I don't know what the rest of that site is like, but I've read about this on more than one site; the sentiment is the same.

My not drinking of alcohol at times is necessary so that I don't switch my carb addiction to something new. I know I can go without sweets for lengths of time, but then I still have wine as a crutch. Can I go without both? Yes. Is it fun? Not really (I mean "fun" socially or taste-wise). But if I had both daily I'd feel like crap and be chasing carbs in a circle. I can't do that.

My Last Post Was Almost A Month Ago

Sigh.

I suppose it is bound to happen. Stalls. Gains. Bumps, Fall-offs. Slips.

I don't know what you'd call what is happening to me, but I'd label it as something that started with a stall out at 252, and has been frustrating ever since.

It's been a month and nothing is changing. I've hovered between 252 and 254, but I don't want to hover. Hovering, at this stage in the game, will lead to eventual gaining weight. I need to continue to lose or the frustration and emotions will set in, and I'm not ready to deal with that right now.

I can think of reasons I may be stalling:

• alcohol
• lack of intentional movement
• artificial sweeteners

I can think of reasons I should be losing:

• staying within my calorie range
• more movement than normal

I guess I have to remove some of the reasons from the "why I might be stalling" category before I can rightfully complain.

So, here I go - putting myself on one of those 7-day jump starts on one of the worst weeks to be pulling reigns in.

Rarely is there a solid week that is a "good" week to do it, especially in summer. This week we have a graduation, I have my girl's night out, and Father's Day. Three "difficulty" days that could introduce alcohol and artificial sweeteners.

To be fair to myself, I will allow myself two drinks on each of those days, and allow myself artificial sweetener with the drinks. But remind me, then, that I can't start crying like a injured baby when/if the scale doesn't move next week. REMIND ME.

I also need to get to the gym, or get moving outside. I'll be honest, I haven't gone to the gym in two months. As much as it always seems to stall me out, I really don't want to stay where I am. So I've been contemplating getting back there, if only for two days a week. I'm not a big Gym Freak, and I don't think it is a necessity to lose weight, but I think there is a mentality that goes along with getting your but in the gym. It's mental.

Would two days on the treadmill kill me?

I really wanted to leave June lower than 250, and I'm not certain I can do that. But I need to, for my own brain. Please help me.

My goal for this week (and I WILL be back here to hold myself accountable):

• 2 times at the gym 
• stay within calories 6 out of 7 days no, 7 out of 7 - quit compromising, BG
• at least 5000 steps on my step tracker each day
• exercise at least three times this week
• stay off the artificial sweeteners (Atkins bars, candies, etc. - need to retrain my taste buds)

As much as it feels like I'm torturing myself, I have to remember how awesomelyFREAKINGgood it has been feeling to fit well into clothes, feel them getting looser, see my face melting. 

That

is 

better

than

sitting

around

or

aspartame

or

malitol

or

getting tipsy

or

stuffing my face

has

ever

ever

ever

felt

100 POUNDS IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER

I Could Go Either Way

I'm at one of those resting points again (mentally).

I could go either way.

Up, or down.

I'm working on down, but I'm in the mental mode of visioning.

At the beginning of 2013 I was 272 pounds.

I hope by the middle of this year (June) I can be 252 pounds. I don't know if it is likely, because the pounds are having a hard time getting off again. But I'm very close. So close I can start to fantasize about it. With the way the past few weeks have gone, though, it feels like it is draaaaaaaaaaging and each pound is a miracle.

My old me starts wondering why I'm sacrificing so much for a couple pounds. I have to fight that old me away with a stick. Get back!

When my head starts those games, I have to tell it that if I keep going, I could leave the year 20 pounds heavier, or 20 pounds lighter (I've written about this before). I don't want to keep yo-yoing. The reality is I don't want to be in my 250s for life, or my 270s. So, sure, I could go back up - but eventually I'll want to get back down. It's getting harder and harder to re-lose weight. -- Or to lose it PERIOD.

I can see from some of the blogs I go to - people losing 100 pounds in a year. It just isn't me. I'd love it, but it isn't me. I have to work with what I have, as frustrating as it is.

I have to start envisioning myself 20 pounds down the line - a place where I haven't been in as long as I can remember. That would put me at 100 pounds down, which is a HUGE GOAL OF MINE. It's almost like a lottery win, because there's a part of me that feels it is unattainable. That the hard of it will be too hard.

There's no reason I can't do it, even slow and steady.

For two months now I've been eating lower carb.

In those two months I've lost 9 pounds.

Do you know some people drop that in a week of doing low carb? Oy.

I'm thrilled to have lost the weight that seemed like it was going nowhere, but I'm frustrated that it takes so long for me. It is hard not to look at those "100 pounds in a year" people and be envious, comparing myself to them a little bit. I read Escape from Obesity the other day and her continued fight to keep/drop weight, and the calorie restrictions she has - and it still isn't coming off. I know that frustration. I can't help but be concerned that if/when I hit below 200, at what cost would that be?

At what calorie restriction would I have to put myself at to be able to hold a semi-reasonable weight?

For me, it might end up being worth it to be a porker and eat more freely. It just might. I don't know, but even the difference between 250 and 290 is pretty contrasted for me. It's the quality of life that comes into play, though.

My guess is once/if I can get down about 50 more pounds, I will have to incorporate a higher level of activity to my life on a continual basis. Right now I can't seem to do that without stalling my weight loss - but maybe in time it will become part of maintenance for me.

I hope that, at this time next year, I am riding the waves of 200 or below... I have to look at the bigger picture, even if things are slow. I have to remember where I could be if I would have stuck with things longer than 9 months. If I would have lost or maintained instead of re-gaining and re-losing. That 30 pounds I've dumped and found over and over could have been 90 pounds of loss, putting me at 210 pounds. Same work, difference outcomes.

My goals for this week:

3x exercise
1 pound weight loss
enjoy myself
Metformin?

Weigh in on Wednesday! See you then.

Day 10 Of 11 Day Challenge... Still On Task

Two more days of this 11 Day Challenge. I (almost) made it. One more day. After today. Ha. I have a day off today, so I have a little more time to reflect on this challenge and might not tomorrow.

Here's what I said:

I came in January 2013 at 272 and I will be frustrated with myself if I leave at that weight, or can't get below 270. I probably shouldn't hold myself to such a hard degree, but I need to see some progress in myself or I am concerned frustration will set in.

I've done pretty good. I've stayed tight to my calorie limits, I've lost weight, and completely cleared 270. I feel good about things. I'd call that a success. I'm leaving January and I'm leaving the 270s. Hoo-rah, hoo-rah. It really does feel good to be looking at a goal beyond breaking 270 now.

It hasn't been easy this week, especially yesterday. After I weighed in Monday, I realized I was getting my monthly frienemy (aka "period"). It was early. I wasn't expecting it.

Tuesday I was ready to pour chocolate on my car tires and eat them. I get that desperate. I plugged in my calories for the day heading into dinner and realized my dinner was going to cost me. I needed to recaculate things to allow for more food and less calories. So, instead of the mexican gumbo bowls (pork, rice, chips, cheese - yummy), I had to settle for something vegetable-laden and bulky. Something to fill me up more for less.

I made a broccoli salad. It is 150 calories per serving and I ate two servings, topped with 2 servings of fake crab meat (140 calories). So my dinner capped out at 440 calories (verses about 600 with what I originally planned). It was filling and it satisfied me. It wasn't warm comfort food, but it was crunchy and savory and sweet and it worked.

It was only after I ate it that I realized I had calculated my snack wrong and had an extra 100 calories to spare. But you know what? I wasn't troubled or upset. I was proud of myself for not choosing to make an excuse (my monthly frienemy - which is a good one) to blow things. I was talking myself into it, and was close to blowing it on food, wine, and something sweet.

I didn't. I don't know why or how, but praise God, I did it. And I found a new mixture (crab and broccoli salad) that works for me. 

---

Another thing I learned over doing this challenge is that taking care of myself requires me to be somewhat selfish. It requires me to put a bit of a spotlight on mySELF. Sometimes that is uncomfortable. 

But I want to note this for myself: I can't spend all my time on everyone else. Everyone has their thing, and if you want it, you have to prioritize it. Once I get done with MYSELF, then I can focus on other things. I volunteer my time a lot, and when I wasn't working it made sense. I wasn't working and I was horribly fat. Now, I'm working and I'm trying to manage a home, and I'm trying to get to a healthier place for myself. It is OK for me to do that.

Another note: There is always time. Priorities. Everything anyone says about better health and weight loss/maintenance is true. You have to commit to it. You have to live it. You have to make it a priority. I've managed to find time to plan meals, count calories, exercise (3x per week) - only because I made it a priority. I've still paid bills, talked to people, attended my kid's events - but I've spent less time wasting on the internet, on sleeping, on eating. I can't say that every day allows for the time, but disciplining myself to get off the computer, or get off my duff, or get up a bit earlier... that's what gets me there.

I don't know what I will do after tomorrow. On comes a new month. I might allow myself a "day off" this weekend for the Super Bowl. I don't know. Today I feel good. I got up and worked out, ate a yummy breakfast... have a list of things to do, and will happily check some off. 

I will go into February at 268. I am one pound away from being half-way to my goal. I am one pound away from losing 70 pounds. Wowzy. I'd like to leave February below 264, because I aim to leave March below 260. That gives me 8 weeks to lose 8 pounds. Maybe that is my next challenge! 

Sore And Should vs Could

Hi. I'm sore.

I hate lunges. I'm not even sure they are good for me (and my knees), but I did all of them yesterday. A few hours later I went shopping. I felt like an old lady. People may assume that my slowness to squat was due to my fatness. No. No, it wasn't. It was due to my lunges.

I did really good yesterday staying under my calories, wasn't very hungry (despite working out, which usually makes me ravenously hungry), and actually took a walk before going to bed.

It was so NOT like me. I don't expect that to be my norm, but it is nice to have a day where I feel like the food doesn't rule me. It's weird, I was full during dinner (1/2 baked potato and 3oz. of pork). If I could have days like yesterday 90% of the time, I'd be much better off.

---

Today, though, I strayed from the norm (1 egg, 1 toast) and made an omelet (2 eggs, cheese, 1 toast). That was a "big" breakfast for me. I'm not too adventurous when it comes to breakfast time. I need to just DO and not think. Works for me.

---

Last night as I lay in bed entering my workouts and dinner into my SparkPeople, I clicked around looking at charts, reports and such. 

I have to admit some frustration looking at it. I adjusted it to "start" around September 2012, rather than three years ago (or four?) when I really started at Spark. But the orange line of progress, according to the chart, had me down at 263 for where I should be right now. That's 12 pounds lower than I actually am.

So technically I'm not on track for my 198 goal in November of 2013.

I shouldn't be frustrated with that because last year this time I was 294 pounds. Twenty more pounds than I am right now. Instead of bashing myself for where I feel like I should be, I should look at where I could be. Honestly, I feel about 50/50 with the whole thing. 

It frustrates me to spend so much time losing and gaining the same 20 - 25 pounds over three years. I'd much rather have lost the total of 60 - 75 pounds than work at re-losing the same weight over and over.

Lord, please help me change this pattern and keep on the right track.

I also need to remind myself where I started from: 338

Since leaving that arena, I've yet to go back to it. I hope, at some point, I can say that about the 270's.

Motivation... Why Hello, There You Are

I thought I'd lost my motivation.
I don't know why. Brain playing tricks on me.

I had a very busy couple of weeks, and here we are in the space between Thanksgiving and Christmas. What I was expecting, I don't know.

A few days I've been too busy to track my food, and that's a tool that has proven useful for me. It is useful because it is a strong indicator of what I've taking into my body, and it holds me accountable. I'm realizing that the daily tracking carries over to help me on my days where I am unable to.

The more I track, the more I educate myself and reinforce the boundaries of what exactly my body needs to function, to lose, and what is too much.

What gets hard for me is when I lose that "crutch" and have to kind of wander the wilderness without it. It frustrates me a bit, and plays with my head.

The days I'm so busy that my tracking can't be done - or isn't perfection - leave me feeling like it was a fail day. If I'm on vacation and can't get to a place where they have internet so I can track my foods - I have my own mini breakdown (on the inside). I am out of sorts without my SparkPeople. Why oh why can't there be an app that can run without internet?

So far I haven't completely blown it. But I teeter just a bit. I can feel it. I don't like that I'm so married to an app. I really don't. But... some people are married to the gym and if they don't hit that (bike/weights/treadmill) they feel incomplete. It isn't just that feeling of being incomplete for me, it is more the concern that that feeling will lead me into a pitfall.

It is the one sip for the alcoholic.
The one flirt for the incurable cheater.
The sneaked cigarette for the smoker.

Right now (and maybe forever or a very long time), I need to be accountable. I know my weaknesses, and I know that tracking my food has been IMPLEMENTAL in my weight loss. I'm not saying I like it, enjoy it, or hope to do it foreverandever. I like to dream that someday I will just know my limits. That might just be dreaming.

I also know that my strict black-and-white policies that I set for myself don't allow for a lot of wiggle room, and are also probably not the healthiest approach at all times. One bad day doesn't have to be a set up for a bad weekend or week. I am learning that. Or I am able to cope a bit better at that. I am able to cope a bit better with not losing one week. Mainly that is because right now I'm so freaking happy with the fact that I'm in a better place than I was.

Today I weighed myself and I had to repeat it because I was at 274. I often weigh back in on Wednesday and sometimes Friday. At any rate, I hope that sticks. I'd love to hit 269 in the next month. It won't be easy with all the eating and gatherings to go to, but we shall see. Again, this is why I'm semi-happy with just maintaining. Most people (including myself) expect to gain over the holidays.

Re-Starting

I truly hate to even be here.

OK, that's not true. I'm happy to still be here. I'd have hoped to be closer to 200 pounds than I am right now, though. Now... I'm back at square one again.

293 pounds today, says my Wii fit.

I've left my trackers where they were. I look at them and realize that was back in 2010. That wasn't last fall, las summer or winter, that was TWO years ago. I can't hang on to those goals as if they were yesterday.

I'm starting anew. Re-Starting instead of pretending that I've just recently fallen off. When I look at 2010 and see that I was 269 (30 pounds less than I am now), I wish I would have stuck with it. Had I, I would probably be closer to 200 pounds. 20 pounds a year is doable. Even 10 pounds a year would put me at 249. How wonderful would that have been! I can't imagine. 269 was a treat. The clothes I could wear, the way I felt in my skin. It is good to remember that.


Moving forward, though, I need to take a deep breath, stay on the course. Remind myself that steady is OK. 


What I am pleased with is that I didn't hit 300. I didn't go back to where I was. I'm getting close, if I don't change, though. I'm skirting the issue and need to face it head on, even though I know it will sting.


Over the last two years I've gotten a CPAP machine. Maybe I'd need one at 250, but maybe not. 
I don't want one. 
I hate it.
It doesn't give me good results, either. If it did, I might love it.


I've had elevated glucose readings.
I need to go back and get it rechecked. 
I've been dodging that.


I'm uncomfortable.


I'm avoiding activities (people, places, things) because of my fatness.


IT IS INHIBITING MY LIFE


If it were anyone else I'd tell them to CHANGE IT. Change what is holding you back during this short time on earth and shoot for your goals. Make a mark. Bless people. It is hard to do any of those things when you are holding back, hiding from the world because you are uncomfortable in your own skin.

I am fortunate that I don't have any more severe issues at this point in my life. But I have a few that could easily be combatted by some work on my end. I've been given a break - so far - and blessed with a spot of motivation. I need to prove to myself, my family, and my God that I can live out my own words.

Living out my own faith. Discipline. It is not easy. I enjoy food. But there's so much else to enjoy in life that I'm missing and giving up for food. That isn't right.

Working Out Is Time Consuming

For the last couple weeks I've been working out at home. This isn't something "new" but it isn't the same old workout. I have Supreme 90 Day System workout and have finally cracked into it. I've only been doing it for a couple weeks, and only a couple times a week. The other days I do my regular walking (although I've been adding more hills into my walk to burn more calories). It hasn't added up to much on the scale, but we all know THE SCALE ISN'T EVERYTHING.

As I said in my last post, I'm trying to change things. My outlook on life, my core being. I haven't been journaling food. It is time-consuming and I'm just not there yet. But I have been journaling my JOYs, paying attention to the world around me and soaking in the moments that are GOOD. You can't really measure that on a scale. But, if I had to, I'd say it has stopped the freight train of weight gain that I was riding on, twirling my licorice rope above my head saying, yipee.

On my way to 300, I brought the train to a screeching halt, and have turned it around. My last weigh-in was 289. It isn't a whole lot, but it is way better than 299. With just a few weeks of pushing my body in ways that I don't normally push it, I feel stronger. Yesterday I walked up the hill and hardly noticed it. I was busy switching the song on my ipod and smiling at my dog, and huffed right up the hill. It was great.

I just got done with a cardio workout. As I finished, I noted that working out is time consuming. It. Takes. Up. Time. I should be shopping. I should be balancing a checkbook. I should be doing a lot of things. But, it is important to me today to carve out some time to sweat (gosh, I love a good, sweaty workout), challenge my body. But it has taken me an hour of getting ready, doing the workout, cooling down, showering. I have to fit it in on my day off. Small step to prioritize my fitness/health on my day off. But, it really does pay off in other ways.

Hello 2012 JOY

I don't really know what I weigh right now. Could be somewhere around 295. It doesn't matter really. I'm uncomfortable, depressed and miserable in my own skin. But what else is new?

So, that's not really why I'm writing. I'm writing because it is a new year. New Years bring on a battery of emotions for fatties and fitties alike. Wanting to change, renew old vows of fitness and better eating... all that fun stuff.

I'm not exempt.

Not at all.

I'm scarily still motivated, even though my recent stint of eating well and exercising didn't budge much on the scale. Go figure. But still, what I am thinking about right now, as I ponder taking the financial and meaningful jump into the world of paid fitness memberships is - JOY.

Yeah. JOY. I keep reading blogs and posts of people who have lost HUGE amounts of weight and feel great and blablbla and why can't I be like them is the question in my brain most of the time.

I'm not JOYful at all. I'm rather a negative, depressive person. There's a connection there. It seems almost easier to change the body than the brain. For people who just make bad food choices, getting on a simple path of eating well can bring on (nearly instant), satisfying results. But for people like me, who eat more with the brain, the heart--emotions... it isn't just about "sensible choices." Which leaves me to wonder if I try to change the brain, then maybe I can find some success in my body (and life) as well.

I also have to give fair thought time to wondering if I just flat out like being a negative depressed person. What a joy I must be to be around, eh? But my joy (or learned comfort) is in misery. And when I'm happy, wondering when the next misery might come. Not wanting to start off the new year saying, "It's going to be a GREAT one!!!" because what if it isn't? What if it is laced with a cloud?

Because it is 2012 and I'm unhappy about a whole world of crap,  channeling my misery constantly. I have legitimate things to be unhappy about. Severe crosses to bear.  My spirit is messed up. I focus on that misery and miss the JOYS that come my way. I allow myself to smile, and enjoy a moment, but I don't really bask in it. I'm afraid to be happy. I'm wired to be negative.

No fitness blog worth reading is channeled in negativity. None. There is no success. That's where the fatness comes in. Connection? Must be.

So maybe my NYR needs to be one with less of a weight-related slant and more of a positive/joy related slant.

Happy no matter frigging what. You can be miserable, but then when someone comes along to cheer you up, you fight it because that misery is comfort on some level. You don't want to smile, you want to cry and whine, and kick and scream and pity.

What kind of life is that? Where have I been short-changing myself to partake in such misery constantly? Is it just me and I need to settle and that is just who I am and be Scrooge? Or can choosing JOY change a person?

What if I didn't satisfy that pity party for a while?

287 - Discipline And Balance

I made it through 1 week of tracking my calories. Tracking them and staying within my range. Yesterday I went over by 20 I think, but in the scheme of things, that was OK, because I was under a couple days ago, too.

I truly wish I knew what it was that allows me to accomplish a week of sensible eating. Take a life-long snapshot of anyone who struggles with weight loss and see them jumping on and off the wagon. It's a true battle.

Right now my motivation is really how I feel. I don't like how my clothes fit. A year ago this time I felt so much better in my own body, and in my clothes. I was happily buying a smaller shirt size, and close to needing a smaller pant size. It frustrates me to have to be back-tracking, but it also frustrates me to have let myself slip.

I freaking love food. This week has been a victory food-wise, but I haven't been enjoying what I eat so much. Strangely, though, I also haven't really cared. My focus hasn't been on what I eat. It's almost like I have to not care to succeed. Last night I was going to indulge and splurge on some ice-cream. But I didn't. I stayed the course, came home and had one of my low fat ice creams. Probably wasn't as good, but I also didn't have regrets.

I'm hoping to continue this streak of better eating. I do know that we are set to have a dinner and drinks out this weekend, and I will probably go over. My goal is to do well this week and kick up the exercise so that I can relax a bit (still making sensible choices when we dine out) but not get too frustrated either way (frustrated because I'm not enjoying my food, or frustrated that my emphasis is too much on the food).

Balance.

I think I only walked twice this week. Right now our finances won't allow for a gym membership, but I really need to have something that burns more calories than walking. Something I can hop on quick during the day (treadmill or indoor bike). But we also need a major appliance and money is tight.

If only weight-loss was my only issue. Again, it is balancing everything. My eating, my exercising, my finances, on and on. Discipline. Balance. That's what will help me make progress everywhere in life. That, apparently, is what I need to learn.