Staying The Same

New Year.



I don't see last year as a failure.  Though it's frustrating to start 2016 in relatively the same weight class as I did 2015, and 2014, I can be somewhat satisfied that I didn't start it at 338.  I've been there.  It's not pretty.

But I want to go back to 2013, where things were better.

The last 3 years has been a whirlwind.  Mostly for ME specifically.  I've had THREE jobs in THREE years.  When I was able to get some consistency of time for myself and get my weight down, I was working part-time, in a job I'd had for years.  It was great (for that piece).  It wasn't so great for our checkbook, but it was great for me.

When that job folded, I had to get out and find another one, and worked on breaking into a company that I'd tried to for years.  I tried twice for my preferred position in the company, but didn't get the job either time.  I landed one job (different position), worked there (super stressful).  Quit that after a year.  I found another (very dysfunctional, toxic environment); quite that.  Now  I am finally at the place and position I wanted to be in this company.  It's still more hours and more stress than I really want in a job.  But there's nothing else I'd want to do in this company.

So here I am, trying to get a grip on my own life.  My kids are almost all grown, and part of me is frustrated that the last three years have been so much stress, and less focus on them.  I've done my best.  I didn't want it to have to be way after my kids were out of school for me to get to a better place, but I really can't control that.

I've done my best with what I have.

Here I am, now, again.  I've been so frustrated with my clothes and how they fit, how I look.  I really would like to be at a place where I can get even 20 pounds off.  It made a difference in that.  Right now getting dressed for work is depressing.  Getting dressed for anything is.  I hate my belly sticking out.  I know it's better when I weigh less.  I just have so little time (and energy) to focus on making my eating a priority.

I've done good the last 3 days (I hit 289, but am back now to 285), but it's a daily struggle.  Minute by minute.

One thing I know for a fact is that I continue to be (unexplainably) exhausted.  I do plan on seeing my doctor about it, I do.  But a few years ago I did the same thing (did a sleep study, endocrinologist, etc.) and came up with basically nothing.  I'm fat.  End of story.  Life's problems solved if fat is gone.

Right.

I know, though, that I can't do much to change this.  And I can't really say that I'll ever be below 200 pounds, I just don't know.  Not with the lack of energy that I have, I don't think.  But I'm working on being at least back to 260.  And then we'll go from there.

Am I Chasing A Pipe Dream?

Every day is a new day, but it IS still built on the past.  My past has me re-losing weight that I don't want to have to do, but nevertheless I'm doing. As she says, "I'm not making something new, I'm cleaning a mess I made."  Super frustrating, but there it is.

This past week or so I've been doing better.  Not the best, but better.  But I haven't lost weight.  I've been moving more, and that is always good.

I'm in a few challenges on fitbit, and that helps to motivate me somewhat.  Weekend Warrior, Workweek Hustle.  One day I took three walks.  I wouldn't have done that if my step-counter wasn't holding me accountable.  So that's a win.

My eating has been ho-hum.  Today I went out and had 2 doughnuts.  I don't normally do that, and could have easily avoided it.  In fact the first place we stopped was closed so we had to go even farther out of our way to seek out the doughnuts.  I made a conscious decision.  There it is.

And then I came home and did a walking workout.  That felt good, although I have some back pain that's made it difficult to do much more than a regular walk.  I did some good stretches after and am crossing my fingers that I don't wake up tomorrow bathed in regrets.

I regret that I'm back here again.

I'm not all the way at 338 (I truly don't know why/how, but I'm not), but I'm back at a weight my body is all too happy to settle in at.

I worry this might "just be me" and I'll never get there, or anywhere.  I have to live in this rut I've created, or was dealt.  I worry about that a lot.  There's something about being over 300 pounds that just isn't the same as someone who is only 40 pounds overweight.

I wonder if I can truly be at 200 pounds and stay there without having to spend a majority of my time consumed with how I'm going to maintain it.  

Am I chasing a pipe dream?

Is the only way for me to stay under 200 pounds by body modification (bypass and skin removal)?  I can't see that happening for me.  I have no money to do it.  What are the chances of success without it, though, truly?

I'm not saying I give up.  Right now I'm just fighting to maintain a 280 pound body and not go higher.  Imagine that.  Most people really don't have to imagine fighting to stay 280 pounds.

The curse of being fat is just that.

I'm not saying I give up.  I'm just saying it will never end.

Why Am I Losing Weight

After I weighed in (269), I walked into the kitchen and the thought that popped into my head was:

Why exactly AM I losing weight?

Kind of weird, huh?

I mean, what a dumb question from someone who weighs more than a linebacker. One would think the better question is why wouldn't I want to lose weight?

I do want to lose weight. Primarily I do want to fit into clothes better, and then my second thought that pops into my head is to be be able to be more active. I'd like to run. I'd like to be able to play soccer or baseball, or another fun sport - things I could not do in the past.

#1 Fit better into clothes.
#2 Play fun sports.

Two decent reasons. I guess I could live without both of those, but not to the fullness that I feel I desire.

There's other reasons, but those two popped immediately into my head.

I can do #1 already now. Twenty-five pounds ago, I couldn't. My clothes felt tight and restrictive. I couldn't buy a 2x and fit right into it. I had to go to 3x. I'd like to ditch the X all together. At that point, I think I'd be satisfied.

#2 I can not do. I bowl, play volleyball. Maybe run in a race with my kids. But I can't join a team and have fun, or run a race. I realize I will be 40 this year, and it's not the best time to start playing a sport. Clearly. But it's easier than trying at 50... or 60. If I think on it too long I get very sad about it, about all the time in my life I could have been running, playing, enjoying that freedom - and I haven't been able to.

Right now I could probably work towards running a race, but my belly flaps too much. I'll just be honest. My fitness levels would allow me to start breaking into some of these things, but my belly won't. And that's not going to change. I really need to figure something out with that, because I don't want to start living if/when I can ever get rid of my flapping belly.

Confession: I think my relationships suffer because of the oppression I feel within myself. I could be wrong, and maybe I'm just an unhappy ogre, regardless of being a fatty. But, I wonder - and hope - that as my body changes, my emotions might, too. I don't know, though.