How Many Starting Again Posts Can I Have

Haha.

I guess I never "stopped" battling, or working on living a healthier lifestyle.  But I haven't been as intentional about it as I needed to.

Truth is I've been relatively healthy with my eating, and my walking.  But I need to lose weight.  That's the bottom line.  

For vanity reasons (let's be honest) - my clothes are tight.

For practical reasons - my body feels unnecessarily uncomfortable wrapped in so much fat.

For health reasons - carrying around this much excessive weight can't be healthy for me.

So, I've been intentional in other areas - like just trying to stay afloat of life, enjoying my time off, enjoying family, taking walks... but I really do need to TRY to shed some weight.  

I'd love to see 220, but I don't know.   Right now I really do need to start over.  I'm in another chapter of my life, and have NO reason not to focus on myself right now.

My short term goal is to get below 280.  I was balancing at 283 for a long time, and then started on Sertraline this summer and hit 290, which was where I seemed to hover, getting as high as 293 quite a few times.

I don't know if it was/is the Sertraline, or if it's the vacation that I took early in the season - or if it's hormones, or laziness.  I honestly don't know.

What I do know is that four short years ago on June 17, 2013 I was 249 pounds and felt A GREAT DEAL BETTER.  And now, a little over 4 years later I am 40 pounds heavier.

What changed?

My job changed.  I left a part-time job that I had for 6 years, and moved to full-time work.

I would have to say that was the major change in my life.  The good of that is that I've learned new skills, challenged myself in the workplace, and have met new people.  The not-so-good is that I've had a stressful time of things.  The first two jobs I had were stressful and one of them occupied way too much of my time.  The second one was a stepping stone, and the third brought me to a position that I've been trying to land since I took the first job.   

Though this current position is my "goal position" - it's been ladled with stress.  There's been a lot of turnover, and it was somewhat of a clean-up job when I started.  By this year, it was to be smooth sailing for me.  It's not there yet.  I come home stressed and edgy.  I take work home with me.  

Bottom line is if I can't find a work/life balance this year, I think I will give up what is to be my "dream job" - which I don't want to do.  But I worry that the balance weighs heavy on the job part, and not on the life part, and don't want to miss out on the second chapter of my life because I'm so wrapped up in my job.

I'm also trying to grow as a person and NOT give so much of myself to my work that I can't have a life on any day but the weekend.  A big part of that, for me, is losing weight so that I'm more comfortable to do the things I want to do, and I have to be intentional and have the energy to do that.

I have to figure out how because I don't want to wait a year to make that happen.

This post is a lot of babble, but writing it out helps me work through it.  That's one of the ways I focus on myself, I think.  

Weigh In - 281

I have to rush off to work this morning, but I wanted to make sure I got this in.  I did weigh in last week at 281.  I wasn't sure if it would hold, but it did.  It was crazy.  I weighed in at 278 twice, but my scale was acting crazy.  So then when I finally weighed in and it said 281, I really didn't want to believe it.  So, by the time I got around to recording it for a solid weight, I never updated here.

Today is an important number.

I feel like I've been hovering at 285 for a long time (while not caring what I've eaten).  More than the scale, my clothes were very, very uncomfortable - my fat clothes.  To have my regular clothes feel better, I think I need to get to around 270/272.  But, clearly it's going to take me a while.  That will open up my wardrobe a bit.

So, I've dipped down to 282/283 before, but not 280.  I feel like I might actually be making some sort of a dent, and I'm thrilled about that.  Like maybe there's a possibility I could lose 10 more pounds.  I am going on vacation in a week, so I'm a little nervous about what that will bring.  But I'm not going to worry about it, since that's not going to get me anywhere.

I haven't really instituted exercise yet - not even walking.  The fact that I've held on over the last few weeks is simply amazing.  If I can manage my stress at work, and still continue on the path I'm on, I'll be pretty happy.  We'll see.  I'd love to be out of the 80s next weigh in.

Weigh In 282 (3rd Week In A Row)

The title says it all.

I'm 282 for the 3rd week in a row.

I didn't leave May under 280, which I was hoping for.  In face, this 282 I'm stuck at isn't too much of a prize, since this is around where I've been hovering the past year (between 284 and 289).  It's really frustrating.  To be on spot a way higher percentage than I'm not and to just stay the same is always frustrating.

But I guess I'm maintaining, is the way to look at it.  Maybe I was maintaining a slightly higher weight before.  At this size, five pounds can still make a wee difference.

It's a lot of work to just maintain. Sad face.

I don't know what gets me.  The next couple weeks will be telling, if I can stay on track.  Last weekend I had too much beer, and too many "off menu" items, I would say.  I need to see what a weekend without that brings me.  I guess I'm glad to say that I'm back to where I was before last weekend (which was a 4-day weekend for me).  But I'm not really glad.  I'd like to have been down, obviously.

So. I'll take it as a reminder to me to stay on track this weekend.  Tomorrow we have plans, so I know I'll go over calories, have a couple drinks.  I just need to remind myself not to go too far away from what is working from me, and to know that going too far off also tends to lead to having to reset my taste buds again, which isn't fun.

-------

Besides my weigh-in, I'm exhausted today.  The work week has gone OK, but I'm ready to be done with this work week and turn my brain off of it for a bit.

Weigh In: 282 (No Change)

Today's weigh in wasn't a big surprise.  I knew that along with it being Hump Day, it was also right around the time I expected my Monthly Friend.  And WAZAAAAM!  there it is.  I'm trying to take things in stride and not freak out about no loss this week.  Keep on, keeping on.

I've been doing pretty good with everything, staying on plan.  Some days it's harder than others.  Some days I'm really not hungry at all, and others (like yesterday), I was famished.  But it's nothing like the ongoing crazy grazing, endless pot when I'm eating carbs and sweets.  Nothing like that.

As much as I really don't like low-carb, and would love to stick to just eat what I want under a certain amount of calories - I think it's what my body needs.  Maybe in a maintenance phase (like that will ever happen, my who life is attaining, not maintaining, lol), but I think I have to be a 90% low-carb/higher-fat kind of person.

I do allow myself Atkins shakes.  I do allow myself some beer here and there.  But I've been pretty good at not having sweets, even chocolate.  I won't say it's easy.

The past couple weeks at work have been horrific.  Monday I came home determined to finish off the couple of wine bottles I had left - totally didn't care.  It was horrible.  You know when you get super angry at someone and you're shaking afterwards?  That's how I feel sometimes when I get done with work.  I want to run out of there so fast.

I'm getting better at leaving work at work, though.

I'm still trying to figure out what exactly I'm "learning" through this whole experience with this job.

Basically I feel like I've learned how to hold on to small things and limp through life.  Not so great.  But I also know if I ever said, ENOUGH and quit, I'd have my husband's understanding and support.  So, we'll see.  I don't plan on quitting, but I'm holding on for my new manager to be hired, and hoping that this could still turn out to be a Dream Job for me.

You never know.

In other news - I did my first 5K!  It was fun.  I walked it.  But I DID it.  Something different.  I can't say I'm addicted or anything, or that this is the start of me doing more and more.  They're expensive and I still can't entirely get over paying to walk a course.  But it was something I wanted to do, and never seemed to be able to get myself to just DO.

I haven't been walking or doing much of any exercise, though I've been quite active.  My fitbit charger is lost somewhere in the house, so I've been without that all week, which sucks a bit.

Well, off to work.  Happy Hump Day!

Weigh In: 282

I'm going to put this weight down (which would mean a 1# loss), but I am suspicious.

See, I was actually UP in weight at the beginning of the week.  I had been naughty.  I just was.  Between going a little off track, and stress, I just figured I had to face facts.

I stepped on the scale Tuesday and it said, "Lo."

Batteries.  I need batteries.

But there was no time to mess with them.  I tried stepping on it 3 times, and it still balked at me, Lo.  Wednesday morning I tried again, hoping someone else took care of the scale's battery issue, but still, Lo.  I had an early morning appointment to get to, so I left it alone.  I also knew I was going out with the girls that night, and really didn't want to weigh in after that.  But whatever - such is life.

So today I tried to find batteries and we're completely out.  But I tried again.  And it did it's little search-y thing where the zeros dance in a circle for a bit before it displays 0.o.  OK?  I stepped on.  Maybe someone DID take care of the battery thing - finally.

282.(something)

Not really believing it, I stepped off and touched it with my toe again.  Lo.  I tried a couple more times (I like to weigh myself more than once in case it's a fluke).  Lo.  So, I'm just going to take it.  To trust.  To not get too wound up about the number, and just hope it sticks.

I'm battling a cold.  Never fun.  I'm sure the stress of my job situation doesn't help.  It's absolutely beautiful out today, though.  If things weren't turned upside down at work I might consider staying home, actually.  I hardly ever take a sick day.  I told myself I'd go in today and if I felt lousy, or if it became too nuts - I'd come home.  I have to remember my whole, "Take Care of Myself" mantra.  It's real.  And I feel cruddy, lol.

Weigh In: 283 (Down 1 More)

It's only a pound, but that's OK.

I'd like to say that I'd be out of the 80's by the end of May, but it is doubtful.  It would be WONDERFUL - but, given that things are a bit up-ended, I should (technically) be satisfied if I can hang on to 283 and not balloon up to 383.

Another unfortunate turn of events - my bossy-boss/manager took all of his stuff (including the mini-fridge, microwave, coffee maker).  This is not a good thing.  All of those items were "community items" shared by our small department - and used nearly daily by ME.  But they were also in his space.  I have very little space to put such items, but I'm going to.  I NEED to, if I'm going to keep on track with how I've been going.  There are other microwaves in our building, but sometimes the harder it is to manage something, the less likely it is that it will happen.

I need to plan for me, take care of me, and not be worried or ashamed of doing it.

Post Weigh In Droppage

Out of a whim, I got on the scale this morning:  285

Interesting.  I'd love to change my official weigh-in to that number, but I'm going to wait and hope and pray it sticks (or drops even more) by next Wednesday.  Motivation.

It was an exciting number to see, but I'll be nervous a bit until it's official.

Strangely, my husband asked me if I'd lost weight.  It makes no sense because weight loss doesn't show up on a fat person that quickly.  I think he might have been trying to make me feel good.  I don't really care either way - I know my pants feel a little better.  Maybe it's wheat bloat.  What will be good is if I can keep that number or drop by next week because, right now, I don't feel like how I've been eating is unmanageable in the long run.  My bigger fear is that it's not enough and I'd have to drop even more, which I'm not sure would be manageable.

So I'm going to work on continuing a similar course of action and see what the next week brings me.  I've also been going through my food journals from a few years back to see what my patterns were.

Staying The Same

New Year.



I don't see last year as a failure.  Though it's frustrating to start 2016 in relatively the same weight class as I did 2015, and 2014, I can be somewhat satisfied that I didn't start it at 338.  I've been there.  It's not pretty.

But I want to go back to 2013, where things were better.

The last 3 years has been a whirlwind.  Mostly for ME specifically.  I've had THREE jobs in THREE years.  When I was able to get some consistency of time for myself and get my weight down, I was working part-time, in a job I'd had for years.  It was great (for that piece).  It wasn't so great for our checkbook, but it was great for me.

When that job folded, I had to get out and find another one, and worked on breaking into a company that I'd tried to for years.  I tried twice for my preferred position in the company, but didn't get the job either time.  I landed one job (different position), worked there (super stressful).  Quit that after a year.  I found another (very dysfunctional, toxic environment); quite that.  Now  I am finally at the place and position I wanted to be in this company.  It's still more hours and more stress than I really want in a job.  But there's nothing else I'd want to do in this company.

So here I am, trying to get a grip on my own life.  My kids are almost all grown, and part of me is frustrated that the last three years have been so much stress, and less focus on them.  I've done my best.  I didn't want it to have to be way after my kids were out of school for me to get to a better place, but I really can't control that.

I've done my best with what I have.

Here I am, now, again.  I've been so frustrated with my clothes and how they fit, how I look.  I really would like to be at a place where I can get even 20 pounds off.  It made a difference in that.  Right now getting dressed for work is depressing.  Getting dressed for anything is.  I hate my belly sticking out.  I know it's better when I weigh less.  I just have so little time (and energy) to focus on making my eating a priority.

I've done good the last 3 days (I hit 289, but am back now to 285), but it's a daily struggle.  Minute by minute.

One thing I know for a fact is that I continue to be (unexplainably) exhausted.  I do plan on seeing my doctor about it, I do.  But a few years ago I did the same thing (did a sleep study, endocrinologist, etc.) and came up with basically nothing.  I'm fat.  End of story.  Life's problems solved if fat is gone.

Right.

I know, though, that I can't do much to change this.  And I can't really say that I'll ever be below 200 pounds, I just don't know.  Not with the lack of energy that I have, I don't think.  But I'm working on being at least back to 260.  And then we'll go from there.