It's Just Isn't The Same

My weekend away was so good.

Really, really good.

But I cheated. I had bites of things I shouldn't have (pancakes, sweet desserts, sweet liquor).
I had some french fries. Like... 25 maybe. I didn't feel too great after that, but maybe it was guilt.

I felt bad, or guilty, but I also felt OK about it. I think I needed a little break.

I've been eating very low carb for a while, now. I feel better, but sometimes I feel frustrated.

The friend we stayed with is a great hostess, and she makes lots of yummy things. One of my favorite parts of visiting her is that I would gorge on sweet desserts, and lovely meals - and fun drinks. I enjoy her company more than I care about any of that, but it was always fun to meet up and try her tasty treats.

I'll admit there was some dissatisfaction there for me. Anyone who tells you very low carb isn't boring doesn't like food the way I do. I understand the whole concept of low carb and staying away from trashy carbs, but if you're a foodie, you're cutting out a plethora of deliciousness on a continual basis.

I don't mean the Pintrest, "Add a can of processed this to a can of chemical that, dump 5 pounds of sugar on it and some sprinkles and YUM." I don't miss that crap. But I miss a good beer. A tasty cocktail. An extravagant pancake made with lemon zest and poppy seeds. Maple syrup. I don't think these things should be entirely cut out of a person's diet (or I don't want to think they have to be) for life.

Regardless, I was relatively good. I was careful. But it did zap some of the fun out of it for me. Watching other people enjoy those things isn't as exciting. However, feeling better is worth not going over the deep end (which I feel like I did not do). I compromised, loosened the reigns a little. The hard part of that is getting back on track, whenever I stray. But I've done OK so far.

I did weigh myself today and I was down a pound. I don't think it is anything I did, rather some of the bloat from my period going away. I really hope that scale says 249 again when I hop on it on Wednesday, but I'm not too terribly hopeful.

Between all this, I've been dealing with my Endocrinologist, which has been frustrating. But I'll save that for another entry.

Somehow I Survived

I'm back from camping. I had a really nice time; it was great to get away.

Only, I'm not feeling well. I don't know if I caught a bug or ate something off. Or... if I'm just worn out and a bit dehydrated. I may never know. My muscles ache and my tummy isn't doing so well.

But I had a really nice time. It was HOT-HOT-HOT the first couple days. I felt like I could never stop sweating. Strangely, I got used to it, though. I tried to stay in the shade as much as possible (I get sun sick). I felt a bit like a pariah at times, while everyone sat in the sun, and I stayed off under the table umbrella.

I didn't swim, either.

My anxiety/self-consciousness made me think that my kids probably thought I was a slug. At one point one of my sons made a comment about me sitting around all day, and I felt a bit bad about it. I don't know if he was joking or not (he said he was), but it made me self-conscious a bit, and kind of hurt my feelings.

I was doing the best I could.

I was cooking for everyone constantly, and hung out in the shade to do it. I didn't swim because it would have been too much work. I had my period, and... just - I find swimming too much work most of the time. There you go.

I don't know how I made it, but I did. I hate heat, I am miserable on my period and the two of those things should have sent me for the nearest hotel. I really am thankful that (somehow) I survived. And enjoyed myself. I wish I could be the kind of person who throws on a bikini/swimsuit, and is in and out of the pool all day, not worrying about drying off, getting dressed all the time. But it just isn't me. Life would be easier if it were, though.

I feel like I'm a very difficult person. Too many phobias, too many hangups.

__________

I weighed myself this morning, non-official, and was UP FOUR POUNDS. I don't think I ate that much at all this weekend, and totally stayed on track with my eating (except I had some drinks). I didn't hike, and wasn't too active, so maybe that's part of it. I don't know. But I don't think that's truly a gain - I'm hoping it is the extra water retention. Either way - I'm a bit nervous for my Wednesday weigh in.

Now, just to get rid of these leg cramps. Ugh. I take magnesium, which is supposed to help, but it doesn't seem to be. I don't know why I have them, but they're annoying.

Challenge Say What?

What was I doing again?

3-Day (Possible 5-day modified) Challenge (calorie cycling again)No drinks (soda or alcohol).Walk 30 minutes a day (minimum 5000 steps on my Fitbit).Track my food.Drink my water.

Oh yeah.

Day 1
I failed on 2 accounts. Minimum steps and water drinkage.

I didn't drink alcohol, I didn't drink soda. I tracked my food the best I could and I think I was under my calories.

But I'm getting my monthly friend. I can feel it because I am slug-like, yet have the cannibalistic desire to snap someone's head off with my own teeth. Check that. I did get my monthly friend, and oh how I hate it. I feel so miserable!

I'm so bummed! We're leaving tomorrow to camp and I have this atrocious thing to deal with. With the PCOS, I can get super heavy "friends" and you can imagine how much fun that would be to deal with in the raging heat and limited facilities. I honestly don't know if I can, really. I don't know what to do.

Today I need to grocery shop, pack, plan - basically do everything, work tomorrow morning, then set sail for the campground.

Overwhelmed is an understatement. Heat indexes are to reach 100 over the next 2 days. There is a heat advisory out. I don't know. It might be worth it to wait a day. Sad.

My challenge will be loose the next couple days. I have so many other things to do, I can't guarantee that I will be able to get my walks in and count all my calories. I'll do my best, but I really feel dragged when I get my period lately. My mom and grandmother had hysterectomies, and sometimes I wish I could just have one. Both of them hemorrhaged, so I worry that it might be what will happen to me, too. This thing really is a curse.

On a good note, I'm glad I weighed in on Monday, since today is a heavy day. Although it was only 1 pound up, so I'm hoping that's a good thing, and maybe by next week the scale will reflect a bit more of a loss. We'll see. Slowly but surely the scale has been moving, and I'll take what I can get.

Now on to balancing my checkbook and planning our meals, ignoring the heat warnings and cramps in my uterus. Wah.