Somehow I Survived

I'm back from camping. I had a really nice time; it was great to get away.

Only, I'm not feeling well. I don't know if I caught a bug or ate something off. Or... if I'm just worn out and a bit dehydrated. I may never know. My muscles ache and my tummy isn't doing so well.

But I had a really nice time. It was HOT-HOT-HOT the first couple days. I felt like I could never stop sweating. Strangely, I got used to it, though. I tried to stay in the shade as much as possible (I get sun sick). I felt a bit like a pariah at times, while everyone sat in the sun, and I stayed off under the table umbrella.

I didn't swim, either.

My anxiety/self-consciousness made me think that my kids probably thought I was a slug. At one point one of my sons made a comment about me sitting around all day, and I felt a bit bad about it. I don't know if he was joking or not (he said he was), but it made me self-conscious a bit, and kind of hurt my feelings.

I was doing the best I could.

I was cooking for everyone constantly, and hung out in the shade to do it. I didn't swim because it would have been too much work. I had my period, and... just - I find swimming too much work most of the time. There you go.

I don't know how I made it, but I did. I hate heat, I am miserable on my period and the two of those things should have sent me for the nearest hotel. I really am thankful that (somehow) I survived. And enjoyed myself. I wish I could be the kind of person who throws on a bikini/swimsuit, and is in and out of the pool all day, not worrying about drying off, getting dressed all the time. But it just isn't me. Life would be easier if it were, though.

I feel like I'm a very difficult person. Too many phobias, too many hangups.

__________

I weighed myself this morning, non-official, and was UP FOUR POUNDS. I don't think I ate that much at all this weekend, and totally stayed on track with my eating (except I had some drinks). I didn't hike, and wasn't too active, so maybe that's part of it. I don't know. But I don't think that's truly a gain - I'm hoping it is the extra water retention. Either way - I'm a bit nervous for my Wednesday weigh in.

Now, just to get rid of these leg cramps. Ugh. I take magnesium, which is supposed to help, but it doesn't seem to be. I don't know why I have them, but they're annoying.

Weigh In: 249

I'm going to go ahead and weigh in today. I kind of don't want to, because I would be all happy to weigh in Wednesday and maybe be down even more - but then I'd be getting greedy. We'll see.

I weighed myself on Friday and I was 249, and I weighed myself today and I was 249, so we'll let it stick and hope it survives through the week.

Which is a concern for a couple reasons:

1.) I'm going camping, and I don't know if that will be good or bad for me food/weigh-wise. It could be good because I'll be more active, but it could be bad because I won't be weighing or logging my foods for about 3 days.

2.) It's almost my time of month, which is a bummer for more than the obvious reasons (weight gain, feeling miserable).

I can't believe I didn't look at the fact that I'd be more than likely getting a period around the time I booked our camping trip with friends. I seriously. Can't. Understand. Myself. I just hope and pray that it isn't a misery period. I apologize for the TMI, but I'm having a slight moment of panic. Camping and periods don't really go in harmony.

Besides that it is going to be hot. Like over 90-degrees hot. I don't like heat.

All these things for me to worry obsessively over, and I will.

But back to my weight - hell-LO?! I made it out of the 250s in July!

My weekend went well - I did good on Saturday. I'm sure I went over calories, and I had a few drinks, but I didn't go hog wild.

Yesterday I "treated" myself to one bite of a pizza. It was a treat, and honestly - it was enough. I didn't expect that at all (for it to be enough).

So this week challenge has been interesting and fruitful. I plan on continuing with the same ideas through Wednesday. I'm happy with the loss. Now I just have to hold it. The next 2 weekends are booked with trips, which I know will make it difficult. But I should be able to manage it.

It is VERY hot here this week, and extremely busy for me. I don't know if I'll be able to get on my longer walks, or to the gym. So I'll have to fit in steps other ways. I'm aiming for 30 minutes per day for the next three days, but it will be a challenge because of my schedule.

3-Day (Possible 5-day modified) Challenge (calorie cycling again)
No drinks (soda or alcohol).
Walk 30 minutes a day (minimum 5000 steps on my Fitbit).
Track my food.
Drink my water.

All of those are important.
While I'm on vacay, I'm just going to stick to my eating plan, move as much as possible, enjoy myself as much as possible (not with foods, but with activities and relaxation).

Above all - I'm going to TRY not to worry about it or sweat it too much. Keep myself accountable, but relax if I can.

One other thing - my scale (the food one) broke. I'd love to say I don't need it, and I don't too much. I pretty much know what a serving size is of the foods I eat. BUT I'm not there yet, and I need it still. The one I've been using is a postal scale. I'll have to see what I can find ASAP.

Weigh in: 267

I don't even want to believe my scale, but I'll let it be. If it's wrong, I'll find out.

No, I didn't buy a new one yet, either.

And I didn't have a stellar week. At all.

I think I worked out once and it was pretty gentle. Yesterday I did a lot of walking, but it wasn't working out.

I've been SO tired. So incredibly tired. And indifferent. I've not let everything go to the wind, but I did go out to the Chinese Buffet yesterday, and I did go out for drinks and appetizers another day.

But when I think on it, the day I went for drinks and an appy, I ate lighter/normal in the day, ate before I left, had an appy and 2 drinks. I didn't gorge.

Yesterday I ate reasonably, walked a LOT, and ate decently at the buffet - not great choices, just less volume.

But I need to reel it in again. Maybe a short burst of willpower to round this month out.

My goal was to get out of March under 260. I don't know that that is possible anymore. I've only lost one pound this month, and gained one, too.

I'm not sure why my body tends to stall out right here, right at this point all the time. I suppose I shouldn't have canceled my appointment with a nutritionist on Thursday? Maybe I could have asked. I just didn't have a good feeling about it, and I can't waste my sick-time and worries on it.

Possibly it is mental? But I've been at this weight THREE TIMES and never dipped below it. I'll have to do some Googling on it. My body maybe is feeling a starvation-mode, and is fighting against me right now. I really do not know. I just know that I've been successfully able to get here three times and have never successfully been able to jump the hurdle to the other side.

Oh how I would like to see the other side.

I'll have to examine my thoughts and actions to get to the bottom of it. I know I've been having CRAVINGS galore lately, and have very little energy. It is frustrating.

Let's hope I can break this barrier.

Steady Goes The Girl

Still the same, 272.
It said 274 on Monday and that scared me a bit. But, I know that I often allow myself to weigh in on Monday and Wednesday. Weight can fluctuate.

Regardless of what the scale says (whoops I typed "scare" instead of "scale" at first, haha), I don't feel so great. It might be hormones since it was that TOTM last week. Or hormonal release, I don't know for sure.

I've been eating OK. After Monday's shocker, I forced myself to stay w/in my calories for the 2 days between and I did. It isn't always easy. Last night I just brushed my teeth and went to bed. No seconds, though my habits wanted me to dig in for more... for something.

I realize having chocolate around, or some sweet is a good thing for me. I like my treat. If I can have a chocolate square, I can be OK.

I started incorporating walks again. For a while I wasn't, but I need them. I am just looking at a minimum of 3x per week. I don't want to overdo it on myself, but my body craves the movement, it isn't bad for me, and I'm setting a pretty low bar.

I also reallyreally want to lose this next 10 pounds. I want to get below 270 so freaking bad. I want to hit the 259 mark incredibly bad. I haven't been there in a long, long time.

My clothes are still comfortable, but not loose. That's another non-scale goal for me. I want to need some new clothing. I'm not there yet, though.

I'm going slow and steady, but I'm still going steady. I'd love to say that through spring, through summer, and back into fall and winter again. That's something else I haven't done - stay with it for the long haul. I need to do this for myself.

I need to prove to myself that I can break my own barrier and get out of those 260s for once and for all. I might even be satisfied with that in itself, I don't really know right now.

My roadblocks are stress and fear.

Stress and needing the "easier" route. And fear of a saggy-skinned stomach, not being able to do anything about it (surgery), and having it flopping around, impeding my daily life and fitness goals.

That is one of my other challenges to myself: call my insurance, see if they cover such a thing. I know it is a weird fear to have, but if I know what I'm up against, then I can figure my way around it. I have to admit to myself that wearing a skin apron isn't necessarily going to be my future, if I continue to lose weight.

I don't want surgery. I fear surgery. But I also fear having this skin hanging to my knees. It makes me want to cry thinking about it.

Tiny, Little Miracles

Sometimes a day can be summed up in tiny miracles.

Kind of like counting One Thousand Gifts, and the gift is gratitude for the capability of simply hanging on.

There are times when I have felt so desperate. I wasn't sure if I could make it through the day, and would have visions of running my car off the road. I think when I was at my heaviest, I was completely overloaded, physically and mentally. I ate to fill me up, but I was hollow with no bottom, in many ways.

That person isn't really gone. I've worked and struggled to win my mind battles. Sometimes --most of the time-- it works. I win. I'm still here. I'm fighting the fight. But there are days, and sometimes those days span into weeks - or months.

I was there not too long ago, sitting in (yet another) psychiatrist's office, giving The Background, wondering what he will make of me, at least the me that I show him. He prescribed a pill, I said I'd think about it.

I haven't filled it yet.

I don't plan to, honestly. But it's in my back pocket of arsenal, should I need.

When you're in a cloud like that and it is dark, it's hard to see life without that filter. Quite honestly, I'm not sure that filter is ever completely removed from my eyes. Maybe for moments, those times when I feel complete joy and presence of God. It's rare, but it happens. Many times I see pain, deception, twists and ruts in the world and in people. In myself, mostly.

As I went about today, overwhelmed in a way that, on many other days would completely overwhelm me, I thought small.

I put lotion on today.
I did my hair.
I... showered.
I put in three loads of laundry.
Answered emails.
Ate in.
Stretched.
Did a short workout.
Put away my clean clothes.
Ran downstairs to grab a bottle of tea.

Little, minute things. I am thankful, and appreciate that I did them all. There are days when I don't do any of those things.

I'm lazy, tired, fatigued to the bone, unappreciative, filling my face, not caring if I can afford lunch out and grabbing it anyway, waiting for someone else to put my clothes away, too lazy to run a flight of stairs for something I want.

Every now and then I take a day where I don't do much and just enjoy being "off" for the day. I'm not talking about those days. I'm talking about the days where the filter is so heavy that nothing appeals, nothing matters much, and everything was specifically calculated to irritate me. Those are not good days.

For the here, right now, I am very thankful for the tiny, little miracles that fill my time.

Life Management

My obstacles this week and weekend will be time.

We are going on a small vacation (traveling to visit family). I will be cooking meals while we are away and will have limited access to internet (which is how I track my food). Instead of looking at it as some horrible curse, I will take it on as a challenge. With the beautiful weather we look to have, I should have ample exercise time.

I should be able to plan things out enough that I can get some easy meals in without going over my calorie budget. But, that means I need to prioritize that ahead of other things.

The hard thing, for me, is the more time I put into calorie-tracking, walking, etc., the less time I put into home management and life management.

But, in the long run, if I don't take care of myself and let myself be fat, I'm pretty miserable. I've felt pretty good this week. A couple times I was frustrated that I had to think about food so much and couldn't just eat and not worry about it so much. But logically, that doesn't hit the same level of frustration of not being able to fit into my clothes. Of going to the store and not liking anything because I'm dissatisfied with the body I'm in.

I've been very frustrated lately with my body. I'm sure that frustration has leaked over to other areas of my life.

So, that concept on the tip of my brain - I'm going to get off here and get some things done!