My Body Is Fighting Me

Hi.

I think in one of the few entries I typed out this month, I mentioned that I'd like to be below 250 before the month's end.

I thought that was possible.

I got cocky, I guess. Or hopeful.

It didn't happen.

In fact, it really didn't happen, and I think I've left this month at the same place as I came in. On one hand that is good. On the other it feels like gaining. In trying to look on the brighter side, this morning I had a thought - maybe I'll reset my "normal" - and it helped me feel a bit better.

Something about hitting a weight and maintaining it for a bit. Maybe it resets the body a bit, and mine will hold this weight as a new normal. Instead of feeling like it has to struggle back to 330, 298, or 265. Those are all places I seemed to stick.

One can hope.

I was at the doctor (endocrinologist), and basically it was a waste of time, but she did say something that made sense. I was telling her how hard it was for me to lose weight, she told me it was hard for everyone to lose weight. I really wanted to slap her and ask her if it's harder for someone who is 150 to go to 130 or 338 to go to 190 - and why some of us are double-people-sized fat, and some never get there, and if there might be something to that. But maybe I'm just sensitive.

She pointed out that I was losing.
I agreed.
I told her how crappy I felt when I was exercising.
She said my body was fighting me tooth and nail (something like that).

Though I still wanted to slap her, I also tried to listen. Because she had a point there. My body was thriving at 300+ pounds, and it is thriving now. When I starve it (that's what my body thinks this all is), it fights back - body and brain - saying, FEED ME, DON'T WORK ME SO HARD - I'M TIRED/IT HURTS!

My body is NOT supposed to cooperate with this. It is fighting me. Holding on to food, telling me to eat more, wanting me to overfill as it is accustomed to.

That made sense. It's an obvious, but it makes sense.

So, yeah, I'll weigh in officially tomorrow, and this morning I was 252, so I expect it to be about the same. It is disappointing. But it doesn't mean I have to stay here. Unfortunately, my "thinness" is starting to wear off. I'm feeling bulgy and fat and a bit uncomfortable. Maybe that's good. I don't want to get too comfortable here. I mean it feels great (in comparison , but it isn't where I want to set up camp for too long.

100 pounds. 100 pounds. 100 pounds. Right around the corner.

PS: Oh. So, I have PCOS. We knew that. She's also ordered some labs for me to do a fasting glucose. Pending that, she'd like me to try the Metformin again. I also saw a nutritionist. We can talk about that another time.

I Really DO Need A New Scale

I know I've said before that I weight myself on Mondays and Wednesdays. I'd really like to just do official Wednesday Weigh-ins, but haven't brought myself to that yet. I like Wednesday because it is away from the weekend. But Monday is so engrained in me that I can't sway from it yet.

So Monday I weigh in and I'm 267, right?

Then today I weigh in and I'm 264.

This is all on that wretched, wretched Wii that's missing a castor.

Now, I've been using it castor-less for a good month, so who knows.

I need to buy a scale. I'm going to the store in a bit. I'll check for one, though I really hate scales, which is why I think it has taken me so long to just bite the bullet and do it.

I'm going to try not to worry too much about what that scale says, but it scares me a bit.

If it is off, it is off. I just hope it's not too much off.

Either way, I can look at my last year's doctor visit and see that I was 291 pounds there. I'll take where I am today and rejoice in it and try not to get too terribly caught up in the details.

If my weight barrier is broken, that's great. I would attribut it to NOT over-working myself, trying to get some sleep, and upping my fruit and veggie intake, as well as my movement during the day. I want to make sure I note that, if the case turns out to be that I actually am losing some weight, or have broken past this horrific wall I've been facing.

I haven't gone to the gym in a week. I've avoided it. But I haven't avoided exercise. I did my Walk Away the Pounds (1-mile) with my 3# weights. Not a big deal, but not nothing. I went for a walk. Twice. I shoveled snow. I did an online low-intensity workout. I'm moving. I'm working muscles. I'm just not doing it at the gym. I figure if I get it done, I get it done.

I'm also intentionally moving around during the day, reminding myself to get up during work. I'm trying. I am. And I went out and bought a bunch of fruit to eat. I notice my fruit/veggie quota isn't being met as it should be.

Additionally, I picked up a glucose monitor to check my blood sugars. It's more from my insisting than from my doctor's, though it amazes me that when I pushed for it, it seemed like a great idea. What is the medical world coming to? Really? Not everyone advocates for themselves. I mean, who demands glucose meters?

I got one and so far nothing too shocking. Last night after my wine it was 87 (or 84, I don't remember). My concern is hypoglycemia and the fact that I get shaky, sweaty, etc. at times. Now that I'm more comfortable with the meter, I'm going to journal it a bit. It will take more of my time, but so would diabetes or other health concerns. I just have to do it. This way I'll have something to present to my doctor, or whomever, about what's going on with me health-wise. Just to say "I'm shaky, clammy, and don't feel good," without having numbers to support it isn't working. I'm curious myself, I must admit.

They told me I'm on the higher end of normal and not pre-diabetic. But then in my visit summary notes it says, "Pre-Diabetic." It makes no sense whatsoever.