Maintaining... Better Than Gaining

My last quick entry was regarding my (not-on-purpose) maintenance.

The next day (after weighing 251), I weighed 253.

Jease. I can't win with the scale.

I'm also trying not to get too caught up in it, but I also have to keep an eye on it. As I said in my comments, I've lost the same 30 pounds three times now over the past how many years. If I could have just maintained those thirty pounds, I would have lost 90, and would be at 180 right now.

If I maintain this loss for a year, and then lose another 30, I'll be at 220. If I can maintain this loss and lose another 30 after that... 190.

I must remember this. I don't need to go back! Even though my body would just love that.

Maybe "stalling out" at a weight is good anyway. Resetting your body at a new normal for a substantial amount of time. Who knows? This whole weight loss thing boggles my mind, but I do know that my new normal was 290 for a while. I never went back up to 238 again, but I would go back to 290. If I never go back to 290, I'll be happy as heck.

Not saying I don't want to lose. I do, I do, I do. SO bad. But even more than losing, I do not want to gain.

--------------------------

I' not sure if I'll have any cocktails this weekend or not. I know I talked about going cocktail-less through the weekend. We'll see. I've had a good week, though, and I feel good about it. Not a whole lot going on this weekend anyway. We're still trying to figure out what we want to do.

Hi, Bye

Real quick. My dog won't come in and I have to leave for work, but I have a spare couple of minutes.

I forgot to say that I weighed in yesterday:

251

Whatevs. I'm not sweating it too much, but I'm also kind of freaked that it's been 2 months of being the 252 range and no significant movement.

I do try to remind myself that no loss is also no gain right now. Trying to be positive.

My Body Is Fighting Me

Hi.

I think in one of the few entries I typed out this month, I mentioned that I'd like to be below 250 before the month's end.

I thought that was possible.

I got cocky, I guess. Or hopeful.

It didn't happen.

In fact, it really didn't happen, and I think I've left this month at the same place as I came in. On one hand that is good. On the other it feels like gaining. In trying to look on the brighter side, this morning I had a thought - maybe I'll reset my "normal" - and it helped me feel a bit better.

Something about hitting a weight and maintaining it for a bit. Maybe it resets the body a bit, and mine will hold this weight as a new normal. Instead of feeling like it has to struggle back to 330, 298, or 265. Those are all places I seemed to stick.

One can hope.

I was at the doctor (endocrinologist), and basically it was a waste of time, but she did say something that made sense. I was telling her how hard it was for me to lose weight, she told me it was hard for everyone to lose weight. I really wanted to slap her and ask her if it's harder for someone who is 150 to go to 130 or 338 to go to 190 - and why some of us are double-people-sized fat, and some never get there, and if there might be something to that. But maybe I'm just sensitive.

She pointed out that I was losing.
I agreed.
I told her how crappy I felt when I was exercising.
She said my body was fighting me tooth and nail (something like that).

Though I still wanted to slap her, I also tried to listen. Because she had a point there. My body was thriving at 300+ pounds, and it is thriving now. When I starve it (that's what my body thinks this all is), it fights back - body and brain - saying, FEED ME, DON'T WORK ME SO HARD - I'M TIRED/IT HURTS!

My body is NOT supposed to cooperate with this. It is fighting me. Holding on to food, telling me to eat more, wanting me to overfill as it is accustomed to.

That made sense. It's an obvious, but it makes sense.

So, yeah, I'll weigh in officially tomorrow, and this morning I was 252, so I expect it to be about the same. It is disappointing. But it doesn't mean I have to stay here. Unfortunately, my "thinness" is starting to wear off. I'm feeling bulgy and fat and a bit uncomfortable. Maybe that's good. I don't want to get too comfortable here. I mean it feels great (in comparison , but it isn't where I want to set up camp for too long.

100 pounds. 100 pounds. 100 pounds. Right around the corner.

PS: Oh. So, I have PCOS. We knew that. She's also ordered some labs for me to do a fasting glucose. Pending that, she'd like me to try the Metformin again. I also saw a nutritionist. We can talk about that another time.

My Last Post Was Almost A Month Ago

Sigh.

I suppose it is bound to happen. Stalls. Gains. Bumps, Fall-offs. Slips.

I don't know what you'd call what is happening to me, but I'd label it as something that started with a stall out at 252, and has been frustrating ever since.

It's been a month and nothing is changing. I've hovered between 252 and 254, but I don't want to hover. Hovering, at this stage in the game, will lead to eventual gaining weight. I need to continue to lose or the frustration and emotions will set in, and I'm not ready to deal with that right now.

I can think of reasons I may be stalling:

• alcohol
• lack of intentional movement
• artificial sweeteners

I can think of reasons I should be losing:

• staying within my calorie range
• more movement than normal

I guess I have to remove some of the reasons from the "why I might be stalling" category before I can rightfully complain.

So, here I go - putting myself on one of those 7-day jump starts on one of the worst weeks to be pulling reigns in.

Rarely is there a solid week that is a "good" week to do it, especially in summer. This week we have a graduation, I have my girl's night out, and Father's Day. Three "difficulty" days that could introduce alcohol and artificial sweeteners.

To be fair to myself, I will allow myself two drinks on each of those days, and allow myself artificial sweetener with the drinks. But remind me, then, that I can't start crying like a injured baby when/if the scale doesn't move next week. REMIND ME.

I also need to get to the gym, or get moving outside. I'll be honest, I haven't gone to the gym in two months. As much as it always seems to stall me out, I really don't want to stay where I am. So I've been contemplating getting back there, if only for two days a week. I'm not a big Gym Freak, and I don't think it is a necessity to lose weight, but I think there is a mentality that goes along with getting your but in the gym. It's mental.

Would two days on the treadmill kill me?

I really wanted to leave June lower than 250, and I'm not certain I can do that. But I need to, for my own brain. Please help me.

My goal for this week (and I WILL be back here to hold myself accountable):

• 2 times at the gym 
• stay within calories 6 out of 7 days no, 7 out of 7 - quit compromising, BG
• at least 5000 steps on my step tracker each day
• exercise at least three times this week
• stay off the artificial sweeteners (Atkins bars, candies, etc. - need to retrain my taste buds)

As much as it feels like I'm torturing myself, I have to remember how awesomelyFREAKINGgood it has been feeling to fit well into clothes, feel them getting looser, see my face melting. 

That

is 

better

than

sitting

around

or

aspartame

or

malitol

or

getting tipsy

or

stuffing my face

has

ever

ever

ever

felt

100 POUNDS IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER

Holding At 261

Yesterday I almost came and wrote a whiny I'm-not-losing-post. In fact, it was going to be about gaining.

I saw my weight bumping up, getting as high as 263 as of yesterday. I was very discouraged.

I've been re-informing myself on low-carb eating, and on lowcarb/highfat (LCHF) eating as well. I've been following a semi low carb higher fat diet for a week now, and was afraid of weight gain.

It is similar to regular low-carb, but it balances it out with a higher percentage of fat, and less carbs than say a South Beach Diet.

The only thing I've gone kind of wild on is having 1oz. of heavy cream in my tea over the past couple weeks. I've cut caffeine, and haven't had any, but replaced it with this habit. The most I have is three cups, but generally have two.

It feels very indulgent, and I'm surely going to have to give it up at some point. But for now, I enjoy it.

I haven't gone too hog wild otherwise. I don't add butter to my cheese, but I'm not as worried about frying my mushrooms in a pat of butter, either.

We will see how it goes. One thing I notice - my blood sugars/hypoglycemia-ish events are pretty much GONE.

I'm not as hungry. I still crave foods, and feel like eating when I shouldn't be - but that's part of my problem on the whole. I've been able to go without eating for hours and feeling fine - something I haven't done in a while. It is interesting.

Today I had my breakfast (2 egg omelette with mushrooms and swiss, and 3 strawberries, tea and cream). Normally it would have been 1 egg, 1 piece of toast and butter with coffee. I went to an appointment and ran some errands, not eating at all. I had the urge to stop and grab a snack, but realized I wasn't hungry or shaky - so why bother?

That. Doesn't. Happen. For. Me.

I always need snacks. I always get clammy and shaky.

For me this type of eating seems to be working. Satiating, satisfying, and has less of an impact on my body than concentrating on fat and calories. I still count my calories, but fats (which I never thought were evil) are not as evil as they were. One good thing about it is my more liberal use of olive oil, which I think is an extremely healthy part of a diet.

I'll admit I wanted to throw in the towel yesterday, but I was back at 261 today. For now. I will continue with it since I truly feel better. I will have my cholesterol checked, though, if possible.

I do want to lose weight, so I need to figure out how to do that, since I didn't this past week. I need to lose weight, and that is just as important as feeling better. Hopefully I do by my next weigh in.