How Many Starting Again Posts Can I Have

Haha.

I guess I never "stopped" battling, or working on living a healthier lifestyle.  But I haven't been as intentional about it as I needed to.

Truth is I've been relatively healthy with my eating, and my walking.  But I need to lose weight.  That's the bottom line.  

For vanity reasons (let's be honest) - my clothes are tight.

For practical reasons - my body feels unnecessarily uncomfortable wrapped in so much fat.

For health reasons - carrying around this much excessive weight can't be healthy for me.

So, I've been intentional in other areas - like just trying to stay afloat of life, enjoying my time off, enjoying family, taking walks... but I really do need to TRY to shed some weight.  

I'd love to see 220, but I don't know.   Right now I really do need to start over.  I'm in another chapter of my life, and have NO reason not to focus on myself right now.

My short term goal is to get below 280.  I was balancing at 283 for a long time, and then started on Sertraline this summer and hit 290, which was where I seemed to hover, getting as high as 293 quite a few times.

I don't know if it was/is the Sertraline, or if it's the vacation that I took early in the season - or if it's hormones, or laziness.  I honestly don't know.

What I do know is that four short years ago on June 17, 2013 I was 249 pounds and felt A GREAT DEAL BETTER.  And now, a little over 4 years later I am 40 pounds heavier.

What changed?

My job changed.  I left a part-time job that I had for 6 years, and moved to full-time work.

I would have to say that was the major change in my life.  The good of that is that I've learned new skills, challenged myself in the workplace, and have met new people.  The not-so-good is that I've had a stressful time of things.  The first two jobs I had were stressful and one of them occupied way too much of my time.  The second one was a stepping stone, and the third brought me to a position that I've been trying to land since I took the first job.   

Though this current position is my "goal position" - it's been ladled with stress.  There's been a lot of turnover, and it was somewhat of a clean-up job when I started.  By this year, it was to be smooth sailing for me.  It's not there yet.  I come home stressed and edgy.  I take work home with me.  

Bottom line is if I can't find a work/life balance this year, I think I will give up what is to be my "dream job" - which I don't want to do.  But I worry that the balance weighs heavy on the job part, and not on the life part, and don't want to miss out on the second chapter of my life because I'm so wrapped up in my job.

I'm also trying to grow as a person and NOT give so much of myself to my work that I can't have a life on any day but the weekend.  A big part of that, for me, is losing weight so that I'm more comfortable to do the things I want to do, and I have to be intentional and have the energy to do that.

I have to figure out how because I don't want to wait a year to make that happen.

This post is a lot of babble, but writing it out helps me work through it.  That's one of the ways I focus on myself, I think.  

The Things I Am

This has been another year of "getting by" for me.  More of me holding my life together, than me focusing on my own health.  I'm not sure if that will change or continue come 2017.

In a staff lunch we were talking about taking care of self.  It was our department, about seven of us, all in similar jobs.  We're all stressed out (some of us more than others).  We talked about how SELFISH you have to be if you want to take care of yourself.  It's easier when you don't have kids to look after.  It's easier if you don't have a spouse.  It's easiest if you only have to take care of YOURSELF.

I was doing that a few years ago, successfully.  I lost a significant amount of weight and felt better in my own skin.  I definitely struggled, but I was on a good path.

I no longer feel that way.  I drink almost every day (mostly from stress, and needing to "come down" from the day).  I feel unhappy in my relationship, and dedicate NO time to fixing that.  I feel time is slipping away with my kids (they are all almost adults now, and I feel like there's been so much wasted time).

As much as I love how far I've gotten in my "career" in the past few years, I'm not really happy with where I am in my life outside of that.  I've met new people, learned new things, accomplished goals (the job I'm in now is the job I couldn't even get an interview for a few years ago).  But, I wouldn't say I'm happier.  I have more knowledge.  As much as I love-hate my position, it's not who I am.  I've sort of lost myself in all of this.

The Things I am
I'm a mother.
I'm a crafter.
I'm spontaneous.
I'm a reader.
I'm a caregiver.
I'm a church-goer.
I'm a camper.
I'm a singer.
I'm a homemaker.
I'm a cook.
I'm a writer.
I'm a wife.
I'm a sister.
I'm a daughter.
I'm an animal-lover.
I'm a gardener.
I'm a photographer.
I'm a friend.

I'm literally none of those things anymore.  I am that person in tiny increments, sometimes.
I'm too consumed by my M-F, 9-5 job.
I only have so much to give, and I give most of it when I'm at my job.
Then I come home tired, angry, frustrated, and burnt out.

I know I'd be unhappy letting my job go.  I know it.

So, as much as this is the year to better myself, enjoy my family, and get back to my own roots... this is the year that I also quit my dream job and find one that accommodates my life, rather than having my life accommodate my job.  I want to travel.  I want to be healthier.  I want to explore more of the things I enjoyed before I threw myself into this crazy ring of work-work-work.

None of the Things I Am can be replaced by someone else.
But my position at work will have a replacement within two weeks, if I quit.

283

I don't really want to talk about my weight.  I'm sick of it.  I'm sick of working on it, thinking about it, and dealing with it.

I wish I could wake up tomorrow and have gastric bypass surgery.

I have a few friends that have had it and they all look great.

They are all living life.

I am. Sort of.

I did get another job.  Very part-time.  I guess I should be happy.  I don't know what I want, which doesn't help.  This gives me the flexibility to figure that out while still providing a bit of cash to the flow, I suppose.

I'm semi-excited.  All in all it's probably the best.  I'm so blessed in that area, yet I seem to snub my nose at it.  I've been off for a bit and it's been nice.  It wasn't really enough time, though.  I was hoping to leave town, visit family, do some things I've been wanting to do for a while.  It's not going to happen though.  New job starts.  Even if it's part-time, it's a new job, and it's exhausting.  But I did get to a good point last year with my old job where I was able to find some time for me, get a routine, and pay more attention to taking care of myself.

Right now I'm just trying to hit 8000 steps on my tracker. That's about it.  My weight remains a dismal 283.  Last year this time I was 30 pounds lighter.  I just need to have the scale start winding back that way.  10 pounds I'd feel better. Ten stinking pounds.

It's amazing how hard that is!

Day By Day

I don't know what's happening to me.

I quit my job.  It was hard and liberating at the same time.  It will put financial burdens on us.  Period.  I couldn't hold out any longer.  Every day I woke miserable and every night I dreaded the next day.  Maybe a lot of people feel like that?

It's not one of those things where I'm "lucky I can quit my job."  It's going to suck.  It already does.  Life is uncertain, I will have to throw myself into interviewing.  Again.

I wish I knew what it all was.

I wish I could find someone to talk to that would help me figure it out.  I don't think I'm doing very well.

I looked back at my posts and last year June when my job started to look sketchy.  Then they told me I might not have a job.  Then I had to really start looking.

Then I had a moment's peace, thinking maybe I'd explore something else - write a book, do something, and try to make something positive of it.

And then I got offered the full-time job of my dreams, and life was busy and fast and I took the job.

And nearly a year later I'm miserable and jobless.

And... you know what?  I'm sitting here at home by myself, having a pity party.  What the heck IS that?

I went back and read my old posts.  I was going along well.  I was in shape better than I have been in 20 years, looking and feeling good.

I hit a BUMP with my job.  That's it.  Grand scheme of things - I tried it, it didn't work.  I need to MOVE on, not run it over in my head so much, and take it as it comes and have FAITH that God is on my side. He has good things in store for me.

Period.

I can't sit here and dwell on this for hours at a time.  Maybe I need to go see someone and talk it out.  Then I do it.  Whatever the rate - I'm done.  I quit --which I've wanted to do for months-- I should rejoice and take advantage of it, instead of sitting here feeling crappy about it.

Yes.

I Hate It

Not much has changed, weight-wise. So I won't talk too much about that. I've stayed around 255 pounds, give or take (more give than take). I'm eating OK, but have had some slips.

What's been terribly difficult for me is this work week.
I get up and go to work and it's just getting light out,
I come home and it's just getting dark out.

I take my work clothes off.
I pick out my clothes for the next day.

I unpack the carcass of my lunch.
I scrape through the fridge to pack a lunch for the next day.

I eat.
I get ready for bed around eight. I try to sleep.

The first few weeks, all that ran through my head was work, work. Stress dreams, waking up in the middle of the night. I was so tired. So very tired. It got better, and I don't have that so much anymore. But I am tired. I'm falling behind. I have no time for anything.

You know how it is, Friday's wasted - Saturday I usually have something to do, and Sunday I'm already getting back to work.

After being a stay at home mom for so long, and then working part-time (but my emphasis was really on being at home, and not at work), this is quite a drastic change.

I like my job, but I wish it required way less time out of my life. The things that are important to me (cooking, cleaning, taking care of my children and my family), all fall to the wayside.

It's disappointing. I don't really want to admit it because it's not necessarily the mainstream thoughts or feelings.

The majority of my day I spend at work.
I like it OK, but it isn't fulfilling. Actually I like it. It's right up my alley. But it isn't fulfilling. I come home and I have bills, dinner, planning, cleaning, and I have to ignore the majority of it.

I hate it.

And I have nobody to talk about it to. I've isolated myself with my husband as my friend an confident, and it's not enough, and it's not working.

So here's my prayer:
I don't think God would have brought me here to torture me. I believe he has something good on my horizon with this job. I believe that things will get better, I will be useful, I might make some new friends, or find a purpose in my position.

My prayer is for things to be be better at my job.
My prayer is for less fatigue so I can be a better mother.
My prayer is for my husband to help out around the house. I can't bear all of this alone.

My prayer is for God to hear my prayers.