Dangit

I did it again.

I feel bad for anyone who has to share space with me today. Me and my gas. I feel myself rearing up on that monthly friend and the cravings were intense. It's weird, how the body works. I have to put my willpower in check here, and ask it to man up, though. Period is no excuse.

The shame is, that, for each of those three candies I've consumed - I've drank a glass of wine.

Whaaaat?

Yeah. I said that. I'm being honest because it's either that - or you don't hear from me.

I need to look at what is driving this.

HORMONES. For sure. Undoubtedly. I could ignore that, but hormones have caused women to murder their own children. I can't do anything about the hormones directly, I guess. I can take the prozac (I didn't this month), but prozac isn't a hormone. It's an SSRI. I wish they could make an anti/pro hormone pill that works similarly. I've taken progesterone, and it magnified my issues. I've accepted... well, I'm accepting this is an issue for me and I need to figure out how to work around it.  I'm not sure if holing up with a bottle of wine and a bag of Russell Stover is the way to go.

Or is it?

STRESS. That's another one. Although, I've recognized that and am trying to deal with it better. Today was a rough day at work. My boss was not in the office, but she barked at me through email like a nagging disease, constantly sending me commands. I typed up a manuscript that she wanted done, completely formatted it - and then she sent me her "revised, updated version" even though it was past the deadline for such things. I was passive aggressive and pretended I didn't get the email until about 45 minutes before I had to leave. I know that's not right, and it's not helpful. I used to be so direct with people, and now I fail to do so.

I worry about feelings, consequences, and what people think of me. If you asked anyone I know, they would not identify that as a concern with me, but I think it's something I inherited from my mother, and you know the older you get the more that stuff starts to creep out? Well, there it is. I'm becoming her, and I really don't like it. Love her, but celebrate our differences.

Whoa. This third glass of wine isn't going down so easy. And I'm not craving the candy anymore. I think I've hit my wall. I've got a million and one things to do, too (dinner, laundry, checkbook balancing, bill-paying)... but I wanted to check in here and keep myself accountable.

I'm still under calories, by the way. And instead of indulging food-wise, I ate a huge tomato salad with homemade ranch dressing. If I can balance it, I'll go for a walk tonight. All is not lost.

Working Out For Health, Not Weight Loss

I haven't been to the gym in a month. No real reason behind it, I just haven't been there.

Well, I mean, besides the fact that I HATE it. That's probably part of it. I haven't been intentionally moving, though, as much. I go on my walks - but not with the frequency that I should.

Today I went, and told myself 30 minutes. For health. I can do it.

I dropped the kids off at practice, already decked out in my tennis shoes, armed with a water bottle. I'd already tried to talk myself out of it a few times, but was determined.

I made it. Did my treadmill workout - a decent one. Not the 3 miles that I've done, but a good one where I got my heart rate up and was pouring with sweat. 40 minutes total, but 5 of that was warm-up. Then I hit triceps, biceps and a little back, stretched, and was out of there within about an hour. Not too bad.

I had to race home, hop in the shower and rush through my hair routine to get back to get the kids - and I was tired. Working out tires me out, it doesn't really energize me. But it is good for my brain, heart, eyes, mind... everything. And that's what I need to remember - even over weight loss.

I'm going to my doctor today to talk to her about my horrible PMS symptoms. I'm trying not to feel negatively about it, but I'm not very hopeful that I will get answers that will help.

Maintain Maintain

Hi.

My week went pretty good. I haven't lost. I've maintained. That's OK. I wasn't tracking or weighing so I consider that a partial victory.

I had a couple drinks during the week, but nothing exciting. Maybe it was one.

I had a few this weekend, though, and even if it's a drink a night, I know that it shows up on the scale. I can't really lose and indulge very much. I do notice that I can sub out a Zevia soda and be almost as content most times, so it's a bit of a habit, and a bit of the need for a sweet treat I think. Usually if I have a drink at night (lately) it is a glass of wine or one of my low-carb cocktail inventions. Maybe in maintenance that would work, but I'm sure it's stalling/road-blocking me from moving.


I also made an appointment with my doctor to discuss the ratchet PMS symptoms I've been having, and to see if there is anything I can do to avoid them.

Because I did see a little movement on the scale last week, I aim to have a good week this week and be accountable. There's no way I'm making my goal, but I do want to see things start moving again. I'm ready. I don't feel the "newness" and excitement in my body anymore. I feel 250 pounds of Big Momma. I'd like to feel that newness again. It felt really good.

Hot Mess Feeling Very Alone

I'm pretty sure it's hormonal, but there's just no way to say. I've not been doing well lately. Not with anything. Mainly it stems from my emotions. I just flat out haven't been feeling well. Overwhelmed emotionally and life-wise.

Too much.

There's always too much.

I've been going through a battery of medical tests - OK not a "battery" but the basics, really. I went to the Endo, and my thyroid tests were off, as well as my prolactin. The second result showed my prolactin was fine, but my thyroid was still a bit abnormal. I'm to retest again in 2 months.

That's all fine and dandy, but it makes me wonder a bit if the results were high (prolactin) because I was pre-menstrual. And if that happens every month, couldn't that be part of my PMS? I asked this and she replied that it was from direct nipple stimulation. I told her I hadn't done that, and she replied that it was was it was from. I asserted that I had not done that, and she threw her hands up.

A five minute google search will tell you:

Some woman with PMS have elevated prolactin levels, [6]while others appear to be over sensitive to normal levels.  (site)

Hmm. I understand medicine is always changing, and it's hard to keep on top of it - but it pisses me off when doctors - especially a SPECIALIST - rakes in gobs of money to sit on their hands and give flippant answers to their patients.

I go in waves of feeling better, doing well, and then I feel like I hit rock bottom again and I want to go crawl into a ball at my doctor's feet. But nothing seems to help this (depression/anxiety). I go on a pill and it helps for a while, and then it doesn't - or I gain weight, which is almost as bad as being depressed.

The PMS stuff is really starting to kill me. I feel awful, murderous, and so completely SAD. If it lands at a time where I'm paying bills, or have conflict in my family it feels so oppressive I can't even explain it. I play The Listener to all my friends, and don't really have a single one that I can call and have listen to me. Isn't that sad? My husband listens, to an extent - but then his answer is, "The doctor said your tests are fine - what do you want, something to be wrong?"

He doesn't get it. He's not ever been depressed or had anxiety and I'm not all trying to act like woe is me and my life-is-the-hardest-of-them-all-contest, but I just wish someone understood, or listened, or supported. I feel very alone.

He tries.

I try.

I just want to make it through this month and hold it together. That sounds awful, but I do think the kids being back in school will help.

I really hate this. I do. I wish I could change it. I must be a miserable mom, wife, and blogger who is so whiny and unhappy at times.

I wish I could change. I feel like a waste of space sometimes. I know I'm not - but that's what my head tells me in times like these. It is humbling. If I were a completely happy person I would probably be even more sickening to be around.

Right now on the tip of my head is a family member who struggles with mental health AODA issues, and some strife between us. I'm longing for a relationship that isn't there, and it really truly kills me at times. It's been a very long, difficult road with this person, and it's left a black charred scar right on my heart.

As crappy as I feel, I want to leave with a bit of joy rather than sadness. I'll list 5 good things:

1.  Pumpkin pudding.
2.  Cooler weather.
3.  My smartphone. It's fun.
4.  Backyard fires.
5.  A quiet house (not all the time, just sometimes).