represents 1 pound gone)
I know I already wrote an entry today. But I have two things to say.
One, I'm just going to put this out there. I can never purchase these Russel Stover Sugar Free Caramel & Crispies ever again. I mean, maybe in emergencies. But the last 2 times I have I've eaten the entire bag in one sitting. The truth of that led me to feeling guilty, which led me to Facebook, which led me to feeling even worse about myself.
To not have to think about food all the time. To eat and enjoy in moderation because you just don't crave it. To be someone that doesn't overdo it constantly, or have to think ahead, plan your meals, count your calories, and say, "no thank you" every second of the day.
It's not just that I'm fat. I'm fat and have issues surrounding it. I have cravings that are akin being a heroin addict, I'm guessing. Although it's easier to attain my drug. I just have to walk 10 feet into the kitchen. I'm forced to cook it, think about it, make it, buy it - on a daily basis.
While I'm having this pity party, I'll take a cherry on top of my sundae.
I'm good with things. It's something I can't change, but I can manage.
But, really - I hate it. My eating, food, avoidance of food, body issues, body thoughts, jealousies of others - it follows me in a constant manner. It is the thorn in my side that God gave me. I can't imagine how free it would be to not have it. Like someone who was lame their who life and given two healthy legs. Or a blind person who could suddenly see.
That is how being free would feel. I really can't imagine it. I can't imagine how it feels to run around in a bikini and not think about it. To wear short shorts and sleeveless shirts and not think about it. My upper thighs and arms are fleshy, saggy and hideous. No matter what weight I get to, I'll never know that freedom or that comfort.
I'm just making myself angry. But sometimes I really feel cursed.
3 comments:
I can relate to what you are feeling now. I so wish I could just eat and not think about food and meal planning so much.
As far as putting on a bikini and being unconcerned, I don't think there is a female past puberty that doesn't think about how she looks in swimwear. It is sad. But no matter how thin or beautiful, I think women are programmed somehow not to like something about their body. Of course, it doesn't make being heavy and putting on a swimsuit any better. Sad for all of us.
Lori
I hear you. It is all unfair and disheartening. I have never and probably never will b3 able to wear a bikini. I got the bad genes and I was never taught to look after myself. It's a depressing bubble of self hatred and feeling helpless to everything. No motivation and even when trying to do something about it, your body fights back and gives you more weight to deal with. :(
Unknown, just know you are not the only one in that boat. <3
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