I know I already wrote an entry today. But I have two things to say.
One, I'm just going to put this out there. I can never purchase these Russel Stover Sugar Free Caramel & Crispies ever again. I mean, maybe in emergencies. But the last 2 times I have I've eaten the entire bag in one sitting. The truth of that led me to feeling guilty, which led me to Facebook, which led me to feeling even worse about myself.
To not have to think about food all the time. To eat and enjoy in moderation because you just don't crave it. To be someone that doesn't overdo it constantly, or have to think ahead, plan your meals, count your calories, and say, "no thank you" every second of the day.
It's not just that I'm fat. I'm fat and have issues surrounding it. I have cravings that are akin being a heroin addict, I'm guessing. Although it's easier to attain my drug. I just have to walk 10 feet into the kitchen. I'm forced to cook it, think about it, make it, buy it - on a daily basis.
While I'm having this pity party, I'll take a cherry on top of my sundae.
I'm good with things. It's something I can't change, but I can manage.
But, really - I hate it. My eating, food, avoidance of food, body issues, body thoughts, jealousies of others - it follows me in a constant manner. It is the thorn in my side that God gave me. I can't imagine how free it would be to not have it. Like someone who was lame their who life and given two healthy legs. Or a blind person who could suddenly see.
That is how being free would feel. I really can't imagine it. I can't imagine how it feels to run around in a bikini and not think about it. To wear short shorts and sleeveless shirts and not think about it. My upper thighs and arms are fleshy, saggy and hideous. No matter what weight I get to, I'll never know that freedom or that comfort.
I'm just making myself angry. But sometimes I really feel cursed.