Dangit

I did it again.

I feel bad for anyone who has to share space with me today. Me and my gas. I feel myself rearing up on that monthly friend and the cravings were intense. It's weird, how the body works. I have to put my willpower in check here, and ask it to man up, though. Period is no excuse.

The shame is, that, for each of those three candies I've consumed - I've drank a glass of wine.

Whaaaat?

Yeah. I said that. I'm being honest because it's either that - or you don't hear from me.

I need to look at what is driving this.

HORMONES. For sure. Undoubtedly. I could ignore that, but hormones have caused women to murder their own children. I can't do anything about the hormones directly, I guess. I can take the prozac (I didn't this month), but prozac isn't a hormone. It's an SSRI. I wish they could make an anti/pro hormone pill that works similarly. I've taken progesterone, and it magnified my issues. I've accepted... well, I'm accepting this is an issue for me and I need to figure out how to work around it.  I'm not sure if holing up with a bottle of wine and a bag of Russell Stover is the way to go.

Or is it?

STRESS. That's another one. Although, I've recognized that and am trying to deal with it better. Today was a rough day at work. My boss was not in the office, but she barked at me through email like a nagging disease, constantly sending me commands. I typed up a manuscript that she wanted done, completely formatted it - and then she sent me her "revised, updated version" even though it was past the deadline for such things. I was passive aggressive and pretended I didn't get the email until about 45 minutes before I had to leave. I know that's not right, and it's not helpful. I used to be so direct with people, and now I fail to do so.

I worry about feelings, consequences, and what people think of me. If you asked anyone I know, they would not identify that as a concern with me, but I think it's something I inherited from my mother, and you know the older you get the more that stuff starts to creep out? Well, there it is. I'm becoming her, and I really don't like it. Love her, but celebrate our differences.

Whoa. This third glass of wine isn't going down so easy. And I'm not craving the candy anymore. I think I've hit my wall. I've got a million and one things to do, too (dinner, laundry, checkbook balancing, bill-paying)... but I wanted to check in here and keep myself accountable.

I'm still under calories, by the way. And instead of indulging food-wise, I ate a huge tomato salad with homemade ranch dressing. If I can balance it, I'll go for a walk tonight. All is not lost.

I Overindulged On Labor Day

I should update here.

Today is the first day back to school for my kids. The house is quiet, but empty without them here. I have a list of things I need to do and know I will not have enough time to do all of it. But I'm at peace. I'll do what I can do.

A backpack.
Dinner.
Laundry.

I can handle those things.

The rest... we'll see.

¶

I went off my low carb"diet" on Labor Day.

Not for the entire day, but for a meal. I had a beer. I had macaroni and cheese. I had potatoes. I had wine (normally I allow that, but I'm throwing it in there). I had cake. And pie. And then I had another bite of the cake. And the pie.

And then I started to feel sick. Not like just my tummy was about to explode, but like I wanted to crawl out of my own skin and pump my stomach sick. I had this feeling once before when I drank wine and ate dinner at a friend's house. I think there was hidden carbs/sugar in the chicken's sauce, and I didn't have enough other non-carb fillers to buffer the blow.

I literally thought I was going to melt. I can't explain the feeling, but it's beyond a pat on the tummy to indicate a well-indulged meal. It's a feeling like something is freaking WRONG in my system, and my body wants to expel it, even if it has to squirt it through my eyeballs.

It was nice to just eat like everyone else and not worry about it. I still loaded up on meat and kept the others to small portions, but after having none, even small portions is a shock. I do have to say that over and above the dessert (which was SO good), was the macaroni and cheese. I'll have to try that using cauliflower instead for a sub, because I really do enjoy that recipe. I enjoy mac and cheese.

I also was a bloated animal, weighing 258 on the scale the next day. I'm down to 255 today, but I can see that the ramifications are lasting a bit.

However, I think I needed that "cheat day/meal" - I have been for a while. It reminded me of why I'm eating the way I'm eating. I felt somewhere on the scale of that ickiness quite often while I was eating carbs, and it wasn't pleasant.

I'll keep figuring this out. Right now I need to refocus on losing weight. I won't make that 100 pound loss by my deadline. But I bet I can make it by Christmas if I really try. What a treat it would be to me to be able to feel baggy in my comfortable clothes now? It would be a HUGE treat. I'm not at a weight that I think is sustainable for ever, though, I could. It's better than 338 or 295. But I'd like to get rid of another 50ish pounds and see if I can maintain that.

I hope by this time next year I'm at that point. I certainly could be.

I'm Not Going To Make It

I've got some good news, and some bad news. Which one do you want first?

Bad?

OK.

BAD NEWS:
I've had this goal of trying to get down 100 pounds before my birthday and there's literally no way.

I counted I have 7 weeks. That would be a bit over a pound a week.

I just don't think I can do it.

I mean, yeah. I don't think so. I was trying in my head to say - maybe if you pushed it super hard?

But... that's just not me. I don't push super hard like that because it generally leads to a rebound of crazy eating patterns. My body can only take so much deprivation.


GOOD NEWS:
I had a good day yesterday. I want to go back to the "no alcohol" thing for a few days - maybe even a week. That would take me over the weekend, which would be a struggle, but I'm contemplating. Alcohol stalls my weight loss, but it also feeds me carbs and sugar (in the form of red wine). I eat more when I have drinks for two reasons:

Cocktails taste good with food

I'm in the habit of "buffering" the alcohol and carbs with food.

I notice I'm less hungry and more satisfied when I'm not having cocktails.

So, for me, drinking daily isn't conducive to weight loss - even if it is a glass of wine at night.

Hmm. As I read this I'm not really sure if that's "good" news. I love my red wine. But - when I'm not drinking my red wine, I love fitting into my clothes and feeling better in my skin. I have to remember that and remind myself of it often.

This is NOW and right now, I'm trying to lose, not maintain. It's just not an option right now.

Oh, and I think I sleep better when I don't have a cocktail.
I'm also less likely to be dehydrated.

Need I more reasons?

That’s because alcohol cravings and carbohydrate cravings seem to have similar origins in the brain. (link)

I don't know what the rest of that site is like, but I've read about this on more than one site; the sentiment is the same.

My not drinking of alcohol at times is necessary so that I don't switch my carb addiction to something new. I know I can go without sweets for lengths of time, but then I still have wine as a crutch. Can I go without both? Yes. Is it fun? Not really (I mean "fun" socially or taste-wise). But if I had both daily I'd feel like crap and be chasing carbs in a circle. I can't do that.

I Have A Carb-Intolerance

I'm not bipolar, but I feel like it sometimes.

I'm up, I'm down.

I want to run from my husband, I want to run to my husband.

My love for my kids is constant, and bittersweet. Can't they stay babies forever?

I'm having a rough time. Clearly, right?

I'm discouraged, but it is mostly overload. Really concentrating on losing weight (for me) is work. It's all-consuming at times. It's easier on the To Do list to be 300 pounds and not care what goes in your mouth -- better yet, you can consume ENORMOUS amounts of calories and not gain weight. Brilliant! But you're stuck in a cage of fat and distain that doesn't go away.

This is time-consuming, but easier in every other way. There's no way I'm giving up or turning back. I'm just hitting my very first massive roadbump and it's name is Bonita.

Hi.

I talked with my husband about it and he didn't give me the "I love you the way you are" speech. He told me I'd come too far and I'm a New Person. He didn't give me the grace to slide back into a big ball of fat again. He gave me the confidence to move forward, and to not give up.

That's kind of a big deal that I need to marinate on for a bit. Hard to explain and put to words.

----------------------

We got a pizza. I ate it. I want SO bad to really eat it. To snarf a whole piece, bread and all.

But I didn't. I had 3 slices, and ate 1/3 of the crust of one slice.

I gave the dog some of my crust, because he loves pizza crust, and he's as sweet as sugar. I drank some wine. I took a bite of a brownie, chewed it, savored it, and spit it out. Rinsed my mouth. I wondered what kind of freak does that. Oh yeah, I do. 

I really can't eat like everyone else does. I have a carb-intolerance. I know this. Me, eating the way everyone else does, will render me a diabetic/hypoglycemic, fat, and not feeling good. That's not living - not the way I want to live.

This isn't really a "diet" on the whole. It is how it is. Yes, I'll ease up as time goes on and find my happy balance. But right now, eating under 50 net carbs a day is my life. 

Weigh In (ARGH)

267

It's not funny, but it kind of is.

I mean, last week I'm writing about my MILESTONE, and then I'm two pounds heavier the next week. I have to admit, I was pretty discouraged when I stepped on the scale on Monday and saw that number. I told myself I had until Wednesday.

I went over the past week and ran reports to try and see where I might have failed.
NONE OF IT MAKES SENSE.

Literally, none of it.

I compared three months (September - December) of last year when I was dropping pounds, and then these past few months, and the only slight differences I can see are:

1.) Less activity (I didn't work out as much/at all)
2.) Possibly less carb intake

The rest looks pretty much the same, even the calories. The main difference was that I wasn't expending as much caloric energy, and I wasn't eating as many carbs.

September - December: Lost 14 pounds
January - March: Lost 7

Interesting.

I truly do NOT understand my body at all. It frustrates me. I consistently do worse when I intentionally exercise more it seems. OR, when I work out more, I eat more carbs, and it is counter-productive.

Either way, I'm going to try to NOT get all bound up in the concerns that the scale presents. I can't let that deter me. Mentally, I could, but I'm going to beat that down mentally. Here are my thoughts:

EDITED 

So I went on a speil about carbs and how I was going to drop lower on them because it seemed to help. Well, I've spent the last HOUR OF MY LIFE going over graphs and honestly so I've updated/erased that and need to let things sit - I can't find anything. No correlation to anything. I just dropped weight. My graphs don't show anything significant, from what I can see. Not in the fat, carbs, or calories.

I find myself very frustrated. Basically I lose weight, get to a certain point, and BOOM.

We'll see what the next week brings.