Treading Water

I don't want to write this in my regular paper journal so I will leave it here.

I don't think I'm rapid-cycling bipolar, but boy it feels like it sometimes.

Beyond being cursed with a huge weight problem, I also sometimes feel like I can't ever be truly happy.  There is always a gloom and doom behind it.  I'm always treading water.  Always.  I never find land.  Sometimes the waves crash at my face and I can hardly breathe, and then other days I'm just thankful that the waves are calm, even though I'm exhausted from treading, treading.

Some days while I'm treading there are beautiful skies and sunsets, and I'm in awe of them, my heart is warm and happy.

But I'm still treading.

Sometimes I tread by a beautiful island, and people are smiling and waving, and I just tread on by.

Sometimes there are sharks.

Sometimes there are dolphins.

I know I struggle with depression.  I just don't know if I can commit to medication.  There are days I don't care and don't want it, and days when I feel like I can't imagine going on like this.

So hard to explain.  So frustrating to be here.

I want something of my own.  I was hoping my job switch would be that something, but it's been one nightmare after another.

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In other news, I've fluctuated around 280 pounds, give or take.  Just like my mental health, some days are bad and I feel crappy (285), some days are better (278).

I Hate It

Not much has changed, weight-wise. So I won't talk too much about that. I've stayed around 255 pounds, give or take (more give than take). I'm eating OK, but have had some slips.

What's been terribly difficult for me is this work week.
I get up and go to work and it's just getting light out,
I come home and it's just getting dark out.

I take my work clothes off.
I pick out my clothes for the next day.

I unpack the carcass of my lunch.
I scrape through the fridge to pack a lunch for the next day.

I eat.
I get ready for bed around eight. I try to sleep.

The first few weeks, all that ran through my head was work, work. Stress dreams, waking up in the middle of the night. I was so tired. So very tired. It got better, and I don't have that so much anymore. But I am tired. I'm falling behind. I have no time for anything.

You know how it is, Friday's wasted - Saturday I usually have something to do, and Sunday I'm already getting back to work.

After being a stay at home mom for so long, and then working part-time (but my emphasis was really on being at home, and not at work), this is quite a drastic change.

I like my job, but I wish it required way less time out of my life. The things that are important to me (cooking, cleaning, taking care of my children and my family), all fall to the wayside.

It's disappointing. I don't really want to admit it because it's not necessarily the mainstream thoughts or feelings.

The majority of my day I spend at work.
I like it OK, but it isn't fulfilling. Actually I like it. It's right up my alley. But it isn't fulfilling. I come home and I have bills, dinner, planning, cleaning, and I have to ignore the majority of it.

I hate it.

And I have nobody to talk about it to. I've isolated myself with my husband as my friend an confident, and it's not enough, and it's not working.

So here's my prayer:
I don't think God would have brought me here to torture me. I believe he has something good on my horizon with this job. I believe that things will get better, I will be useful, I might make some new friends, or find a purpose in my position.

My prayer is for things to be be better at my job.
My prayer is for less fatigue so I can be a better mother.
My prayer is for my husband to help out around the house. I can't bear all of this alone.

My prayer is for God to hear my prayers.

A New Job

I haven't posted in a while, but I don't think anyone's noticed. It's been so quiet lately.

WEIGHT:
I've been hanging in there "maintaining" within 5 pounds. But I feel fatter, and less happy in my clothing. Maybe that's a good thing. I'm hoping that I can continue to lose some weight over the next few months. Twenty pounds and I would feel so much better in my clothes, my skin, I think.

But I'm definitely concerned because I have not been able to break the 250s (I'm 255 right now). I can't imagine dropping my calories lower right now, either. We'll see.

Again, I'm hoping my body has reset itself at 250 (instead of 290), and that I can break this number soon.

LIFE:
Beyond my weight, I've been enjoying myself, going to the kid's games, out at social events. I love fall, the colors, the changes... but I'm a bit sentimental at how quickly things are changing, the kids are growing up. It's brought out a lot of emotions in me.

WORK:
I got the job, well one of the jobs. It is a change from part time to full time. I'm nervous at that. It will take up more of my life. I'm not so much a "career person" but more of a homemaker who likes to have a small job on the side. This will change things. However, the job I am taking is in a field that I've wanted to break into for the past 5 years and haven't been able to. So, as much as there are some discomforts about it, it could be a launching pad for me.

Exciting, nervous, sad.

I'm mourning my time that I have. Right now I have days off when the kids are in school and I'm at home. I get a lot done on those days, cooking, meal-planning. That's all going to go away. Right now I'm home when they get home from school. That will all go away too. For the first time in my life my husband will get home before me. I'm abnormally envious of that.

I question if I'm giving up too much, chasing something that isn't for me. But I also know we need the money.

So there's lots of feeling surrounding it. My excitement at leaving the job I'm at now --where I love the people but hate the system-- almost trumps my fears and concerns about what I'm taking on.

We'll see.

Stepping Out Of My Comfort Zone

Hi. I'm fine.

I survived PMS. Actually, I survived it well. My medicine was prayer and conversations with God.

I was also completely wrapped up in preparing and interviewing for a new job. It's a crazy feeling - exciting and maddeningly frightening - I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm part-time. The position is full-time. BIG change for me. But could positively impact our finances.

I went to the interview this week, and got asked back for a 2nd one. I'm nervous. Super nervous. I have the weekend to think about it, but really - it's out of my hands now. They like me, or they wouldn't have asked me back. I'm POSITIVE I could contribute well to their business. I hope I can convey that.

Needless to say my mind has been less on my eating, and more on my life, and just keeping afloat.

This is the busiest time at my work. Today I had to rush straight from work to take a skills test for this job opportunity. Wouldn't you know it - crisis, 3 minutes before I need to leave. I was assertive, and gracious, and left the concerns behind me as much as possible. I have a hard time saying "no" and felt good about myself for doing it this time.

But I'll be honest - by the time I took that test today, my brain was fried. Literally. So I'm not feeling great about how I did.

There's 2 jobs I'm applying for, and really wanting. I like this one for certain reasons, and there's another I've applied but haven't interviewed for. The later one is the one I might actually prefer, but I've really been praying to be led and content with what happens.

So, unfortunately on the losing weight front I've made no progress, but on the life - and stepping out of my own safety zone - I'm making HUGE progress. That is something I can be super proud of!

Maintain Maintain

Hi.

My week went pretty good. I haven't lost. I've maintained. That's OK. I wasn't tracking or weighing so I consider that a partial victory.

I had a couple drinks during the week, but nothing exciting. Maybe it was one.

I had a few this weekend, though, and even if it's a drink a night, I know that it shows up on the scale. I can't really lose and indulge very much. I do notice that I can sub out a Zevia soda and be almost as content most times, so it's a bit of a habit, and a bit of the need for a sweet treat I think. Usually if I have a drink at night (lately) it is a glass of wine or one of my low-carb cocktail inventions. Maybe in maintenance that would work, but I'm sure it's stalling/road-blocking me from moving.


I also made an appointment with my doctor to discuss the ratchet PMS symptoms I've been having, and to see if there is anything I can do to avoid them.

Because I did see a little movement on the scale last week, I aim to have a good week this week and be accountable. There's no way I'm making my goal, but I do want to see things start moving again. I'm ready. I don't feel the "newness" and excitement in my body anymore. I feel 250 pounds of Big Momma. I'd like to feel that newness again. It felt really good.