Why?

I don't have much of a desire for anything.

I really hate this cycle.  Probably most people would say that (whatever afflicts them - non-terminally) is "the worst" affliction.

I hate being fat.

Anyone who has been over 300 pounds and gets down to a more manageable weight will say that "their life changed dramatically."

I can't imagine living without arms.  I have arms.

I can't imagine being unable to walk.  I can walk.

I can do most everything.  But my fat truly does prohibit me from living a better life.

I wish it were easy.  I'm so frustrated at being where I am.  AGAIN.  At standing in front of my closet nearly in tears.  AGAIN.  Tight pants.  Shirts too short.  Not wanting to walk through, past, in.  Not really wanting to do much of anything, really.  I don't get it.  I really don't.

My relationship is so strained.  If it weren't for the kids, I think we'd be divorced.

I wish I knew what came first, or why this happens.  I KNOW how happy I am being smaller.  I've been there.  But the will for that was not strong enough to weather the storms of life for me.

WHY?

It's Been a While: 285

Today I weighed myself and it was 285.

I wasn't peeled down to my skivvies, my preferred way of weighing, but I wanted to make something "official" and put it over there, and call it a day.

I can't keep telling myself this is transitional and not official.

It's my official weight right now.

As I moved around my day yesterday I thought, I have to document how absolutely crappy I feel right now.

I hate looking in my closet for clothes
Everything feels like it shrunk (though I know it's ME that has grown)
I feel uncomfortable in my own skin - it's really not my clothes
I feel unhealthy... sluggish, slower

It's very strange.  Kind of surreal, to be here again.  I'm feeling a bit baffled and hopeless.

I haven't been eating that bad.  I'm certainly not eating with abandon.

Basically if I want to stay at a certain weight, or lose weight, I have to put a LOT of time and effort into it and deny myself a LOT.

Part of my downfall is that I haven't been able to do that.  I've been stressed, tired, and simply haven't been able to put my time and effort and energy into giving so much focus to my weight-management.  That's the bottom line of things.

Will I have more time now?

What can I do to make time?

My health is important to me.  

At any rate, yesterday I did OK - better.  These few days here I'm putting in odd hours, and things are not predictable.  My new job does not have a refrigerator that I can put my meals in, which is not a big deal when I'm working a part-time day, but when I'm working a full day like I've been lately - it doesn't really work out so well.  There is a cube-sized one there now.  I'm thinking of bringing a larger one simply so I can have that available to me.  We'll see.

I need to get past the next couple weeks without gaining any more weight.  Things will even out for me - although it will still be a challenge (I have to recognize this).  But they will settle into a routine.

I don't like how I feel, and I don't like food more than the feeling of fitting into my own clothes, and looking in a closet without wanting to rip my own skin off.  This is nothing new.  I've been in this spot with the same feelings.  But now I need to remember how this feels, and charge towards it again.

I'm excited to get there again.

283

I don't really want to talk about my weight.  I'm sick of it.  I'm sick of working on it, thinking about it, and dealing with it.

I wish I could wake up tomorrow and have gastric bypass surgery.

I have a few friends that have had it and they all look great.

They are all living life.

I am. Sort of.

I did get another job.  Very part-time.  I guess I should be happy.  I don't know what I want, which doesn't help.  This gives me the flexibility to figure that out while still providing a bit of cash to the flow, I suppose.

I'm semi-excited.  All in all it's probably the best.  I'm so blessed in that area, yet I seem to snub my nose at it.  I've been off for a bit and it's been nice.  It wasn't really enough time, though.  I was hoping to leave town, visit family, do some things I've been wanting to do for a while.  It's not going to happen though.  New job starts.  Even if it's part-time, it's a new job, and it's exhausting.  But I did get to a good point last year with my old job where I was able to find some time for me, get a routine, and pay more attention to taking care of myself.

Right now I'm just trying to hit 8000 steps on my tracker. That's about it.  My weight remains a dismal 283.  Last year this time I was 30 pounds lighter.  I just need to have the scale start winding back that way.  10 pounds I'd feel better. Ten stinking pounds.

It's amazing how hard that is!

I Am Back To Where I Was

I weighed in at 280.

I feel sluggish, unhappy, and like I am going to keel over from a heart attack.  No joke.

Each day I say it will be different, and each day it is not different.

My clothes don't fit.

I don't know what to say.

I had a LONG talk with a good friend, and she told me to quit my job.  Tomorrow.  She said put in your notice and don't look back.

I wish I were that strong!

Just the thought of it and I felt recharged.  Free.  Like a burden was lifted.

I looked through the job listings again, and found one that I am going to apply for.  Nothing is as powerful, exciting, and fun as the one I have, but none of them require the amount of driving and time, either.

I just simply can't take care of me, a family, and be the front face of a large organization.  I have to just admit that and let it go and allow myself to be important enough for that to be OK.

I felt SO good 30 pounds ago.  Gaining all that in one year is not healthy.  Truly I've gained most of it int the last few months where I've been the most miserable.

Please, Lord, give me the strength to do better.

A New Job

I haven't posted in a while, but I don't think anyone's noticed. It's been so quiet lately.

WEIGHT:
I've been hanging in there "maintaining" within 5 pounds. But I feel fatter, and less happy in my clothing. Maybe that's a good thing. I'm hoping that I can continue to lose some weight over the next few months. Twenty pounds and I would feel so much better in my clothes, my skin, I think.

But I'm definitely concerned because I have not been able to break the 250s (I'm 255 right now). I can't imagine dropping my calories lower right now, either. We'll see.

Again, I'm hoping my body has reset itself at 250 (instead of 290), and that I can break this number soon.

LIFE:
Beyond my weight, I've been enjoying myself, going to the kid's games, out at social events. I love fall, the colors, the changes... but I'm a bit sentimental at how quickly things are changing, the kids are growing up. It's brought out a lot of emotions in me.

WORK:
I got the job, well one of the jobs. It is a change from part time to full time. I'm nervous at that. It will take up more of my life. I'm not so much a "career person" but more of a homemaker who likes to have a small job on the side. This will change things. However, the job I am taking is in a field that I've wanted to break into for the past 5 years and haven't been able to. So, as much as there are some discomforts about it, it could be a launching pad for me.

Exciting, nervous, sad.

I'm mourning my time that I have. Right now I have days off when the kids are in school and I'm at home. I get a lot done on those days, cooking, meal-planning. That's all going to go away. Right now I'm home when they get home from school. That will all go away too. For the first time in my life my husband will get home before me. I'm abnormally envious of that.

I question if I'm giving up too much, chasing something that isn't for me. But I also know we need the money.

So there's lots of feeling surrounding it. My excitement at leaving the job I'm at now --where I love the people but hate the system-- almost trumps my fears and concerns about what I'm taking on.

We'll see.

252

This is the first +pounds in a while.
Bummer.

I could probably put 254 down, but I refuse to. But I did weigh that the other day. I think some of it has to do with a TMI issue that I have off and on. But since we're friends, and since I don't care since all of this weight loss in itself is pretty much TMI... I have IBS-C (Irritable Bowel Syndrome-Constipation), and it's not been a good time lately. Figure the rest out on your own.

It sucks and is frustrating when it comes to weighing myself sometimes.

But I'm not blaming it all on that, either. It's not been a good month, period. I've been neglectful of eating within my calorie ranges. Consistently. I'm doing it to myself.

Yesterday was 4th of July and I (again) drank too much. Tomorrow we have a celebration to go to, and I'm guessing I'll overeat again. Maybe. We'll see. My indulgence is showing up on the scale, and I don't like it. So maybe I'll be able to be reasonable. I hope so. Even if not - the least I could do is stay within range on the days where there isn't something going on.

Post-Christmas Hangover

Christmas has come and gone.
I had a difficult time staying on track. I knew what I was doing, and was conscious of it - but was too busy and stressed to care.

I gained 2 pounds, from what I can tell. I'm not happy about it, but I'm not destroyed over it.
I'm done over indulging, though - or done not tracking my calories.

It will be hard come New Year's Eve, since we always have a party. That might not be a great calorie day for me, either. But I will make it ONE day.

The hardest part is getting your body - and taste buds - re-regulated after a splurge. I don't think I consumed as many sweets as I have in the past because my taste buds don't need/want sweets as much. I made all baked goods small (or regular size). My bars were small, probably 1/4 maybe even 1/8 of Starbucks size. They were perfect. I feel like that was a "win" to have retrained my brain on what portion sizes are appropriate. But, after having a few, it's going to be a killer couple days detoxing from the sweets.

When your body is craving sweets and carbs, it can be murder. That's the hardest part. That might be the reason to not indulge - the aftermath. Not just the calories our pounds gained, but taking steps back in cravings.

I weighed myself today and I was 276 - two pounds up. I worked so hard for those two pounds, and now I need to work again. God, grant me the strength.