Doing Too Much For My Kids

I know I mentioned before how I was a creature of habit with my morning egg and toast. Well, my lunches (at work) can be on the mundane, habitual side as well. Quite often I eat the Lean Cuisine meat lasagna. It fills me up, tastes decent, and is relatively inexpensive. I keep a few in my freezer so I always have something to grab.

I also keep a 4-pack box of Starkist tuna pouches in my drawer at work for back-up, or to add to a carby meal. Sometimes when I'm flat out desperate, I just go ahead and eat that tuna pouch as-is.

Other times I bring my own lunch, packed from leftovers. I have these glass, 2-cup containers with lids that work out nicely. 

Today, though, I had a new Lean Cuisine - Chicken Makhani. I've had other Indian dishes by LC and have been OK with them - except one of them was not made with real chicken and it gave me a bit of a bloaty, "off" feeling that I didn't like. The flavor was fine, but the after-bloat, not so much.

This one was pretty good. It had about 3 strips of chicken in it, with a side of rice and some sauce. I also doused it with some red pepper flakes to kick up the heat - and that really did the trick for me. I'll definitely get it again.

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Day 3 of the EA Sports Active, and I have to say I wasn't all that impressed today. Maybe it was a "slower" workout day, or something - I really don't know. All I know is I was hardly sweating when I was done. Granted, I'm on the "easy" setting (I thought I should for the first few), but still, I felt a wanting when I was done and ended up going for a quick walk after. 

I guess I should focus on the fact that I was doing something and eating better. That's a win-win.

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My attitude has been kind of sucky lately. I can't pinpoint why, though. Stress, probably, since that's the root of most of my bad attitude days. When I can't stuff it down with food or alcohol (or chocolate), I get kinda cranky. I have a feeling if I were thinner and had the means, I might resort to running. Had I a treadmill, I'd be on it right now. I can't go walk our neighborhood for free, though.

I have desires to go for long runs at night, hours-long bike rides, long ventures that don't end quickly. I'm just not there right now. I don't know if I will ever be. 

Sometimes, I think I should get a gym membership and throw myself into working out. Days like today I feel like I put way too much time into my kids and too little time into myself. I don't feel valued or special, I don't feel like my kids are appreciative that I support them. It's normal for them, and they take it for granted. Maybe if I had more to myself, I wouldn't feel resentful and they wouldn't feel so commonplace about everything I do for them.


A couple examples:
Yesterday I was volunteering for one of their activities. They showed irritation that I wouldn't be able to (do something/give more) because I was already tied up in my volunteer commitment. "Wait a second, I'm doing this for YOUR team, for YOUR activity - not me... how are you going to demand more of me than that," I asked.

Today we were watching something on TV as a family - something that interests the kids. Because they spend so much time with this interest, I've learned more about it and have opinions on it, too. So I gave mine and got ridiculed for it. I love my kids, they are GREAT. So I'm not really saying they are being brats. They are, sort of, but they also aren't. I'm pointing a finger at myself, here, too. Maybe I need to step back a bit and give some time to myself. I just don't know.I know my feelings are hurt. I escaped off to my computer (again), hurt. I don't know what that means. I don't know a lot of things. I'm trying to figure that out.

Why I Hate The Wii AND The Scale... And Poop

I weighed myself again today. Normally that is reserved for Mondays (my "official" day), but as I said before, sometimes I like to weigh in on an off day.

272

Now, normally I'd get all upset about this, and feel frustrated. But, I KNOW I've had a (darn) good week this week. I've worked out twice, stayed within my calories every day. All. Is. Good.

This is where the scale tells you lies, lies, and more lies.

This is where I also roll my eyes at my weird body. I eat less, I lose, I eat less and exercise, I gain. I don't get it. But it's NORMAL for the freak that is me.

I hate the Wii because is makes that "Oooh" sound when you step on the scale, and I hate that if you have a weight gain "1.8" according to the Wii, it asks you, What do you think the reason for your weight gain is?

Unfortunately, there is not the option of, I haven't taken a decent poop yet this week, or I'd be selecting that one quite often.

Yeah, I went there. It's the truth.

I'm not entirely blaming the difference today on that, I don't really know or care what the problem is with my "gain" today. Like I said, I've been eating well and exercising, so the scale can bite my fat behind. I'm not going to let myself get suckered into feeling down about this one today.

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Yesterday I had a NSV (Non-Scale Victory). I think my SparkPeople skimmed my calorie intake by 100 or something, because it was 18(something) and is now 17(something). It took me by surprise when I went to enter dinner, and ended up short.

My finagling mind started to tell me all ways I could cheat, go over a bit - and all the reasons why that would be perfectly OK to do, how I deserved it, and how it really wouldn't be a big deal at all, and just DO IT ALREAD, GO OVER!

I really felt like blowing it, in a small way, but still blowing it. I had some pork, tortellini, pudding and wine. I shaved my pork down to 2 oz., and then down to 1oz., then my wine I cut in half. I added a half serving of pudding, which put me over (but not over the old 1800-something mark), and stopped there.

I kept in mind that I have a girls night tomorrow, and will probably have a couple glasses of wine and some foods that I can't count to the exact amount. I reminded myself that this too shall pass and it was just food. What I had was yummy, I enjoyed it, and I didn't need anymore.

I made it through, brushed my teeth, was perfectly satiated.

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Today is a workout day. I have a small window of time where I can actually do it, and I'm pretty determined to get it done.

Happy Friday to you - make it a great one!

Sore And Should vs Could

Hi. I'm sore.

I hate lunges. I'm not even sure they are good for me (and my knees), but I did all of them yesterday. A few hours later I went shopping. I felt like an old lady. People may assume that my slowness to squat was due to my fatness. No. No, it wasn't. It was due to my lunges.

I did really good yesterday staying under my calories, wasn't very hungry (despite working out, which usually makes me ravenously hungry), and actually took a walk before going to bed.

It was so NOT like me. I don't expect that to be my norm, but it is nice to have a day where I feel like the food doesn't rule me. It's weird, I was full during dinner (1/2 baked potato and 3oz. of pork). If I could have days like yesterday 90% of the time, I'd be much better off.

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Today, though, I strayed from the norm (1 egg, 1 toast) and made an omelet (2 eggs, cheese, 1 toast). That was a "big" breakfast for me. I'm not too adventurous when it comes to breakfast time. I need to just DO and not think. Works for me.

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Last night as I lay in bed entering my workouts and dinner into my SparkPeople, I clicked around looking at charts, reports and such. 

I have to admit some frustration looking at it. I adjusted it to "start" around September 2012, rather than three years ago (or four?) when I really started at Spark. But the orange line of progress, according to the chart, had me down at 263 for where I should be right now. That's 12 pounds lower than I actually am.

So technically I'm not on track for my 198 goal in November of 2013.

I shouldn't be frustrated with that because last year this time I was 294 pounds. Twenty more pounds than I am right now. Instead of bashing myself for where I feel like I should be, I should look at where I could be. Honestly, I feel about 50/50 with the whole thing. 

It frustrates me to spend so much time losing and gaining the same 20 - 25 pounds over three years. I'd much rather have lost the total of 60 - 75 pounds than work at re-losing the same weight over and over.

Lord, please help me change this pattern and keep on the right track.

I also need to remind myself where I started from: 338

Since leaving that arena, I've yet to go back to it. I hope, at some point, I can say that about the 270's.

EA Sports Challenge Day 2

Yesterday I wrote about my first experience with EA Sports Active. Today was my second.

I don't know what I was thinking, really. After working out yesterday I showered (but didn't wash my hair), and went out for dinner with a friend. I think that was part of my motivator in working out - dinner. I enjoy socializing, but I don't enjoy the setbacks it can bring on. I have improved my eating habits. - But I haven't gone 100%


Example: Ordered turkey burger (I actually like them) and fries. Got the mayo on the side. Removed top bun, dipped fries in may and put thin layer on sandwich. No dessert. Had a beer.

Normally, I would have eating it all, nothing on the side, and had the beer... and maybe dessert.

Example: Ordered ruben sandwich, skipped the fries, gave my husband 1/4 of the sandwich, split a dessert (ate about 1/3 of it), drank coffee.

Normally, I would have ordered all, ate all.

Compromise. Heading in a better direction. I can live with those compromises. I don't feel cheated, I still feel like I splurged. I still journal everything I ate. But knowing that I went out Monday, Tuesday, and have a girl's night on Friday - I can't skip exercise. I need to be diligent every other day of the week, AND put in some exercise time. Because I fear stepping on that scale next Monday.

I could feel my workout from yesterday. It felt good. Muscles that have been asleep were alive. Achey.

I woke up, not exactly early - but I could have slept later. I sat in the recliner, stared into space, felt my body, the achey muscles. And decided I was going to do another workout, even though I HATE that freaking legstrap, and I HATE working out, and I HATE working out with the Wii.

I used the extra strip of velcro (designed to make the legstrap tighter for the little people), and rigged it to be bigger for us horse people. It worked. Never slipped off. Stayed put.

I did my Day 2 workout. I sweated, I lunged, I did every stupid exercise it told me to. On a scale of 1 - 10 I felt I did about a 7. I wasn't dying, but I wasn't drenched like the P90 knock-off we have. I felt good. Better than a walk. I like the incorporation of arms and punches, runs.

It took up time (I was hoping to be out of the house shopping right now), but as someone said, THIS IS MY JOB. My body, my health, is my job. I've never put taking care of myself first. I'm trying to at least put ME up to the front a bit more.

I need to get in one more day of exercise this week, and that shouldn't be a problem. I know I was saying that I wasn't going to exercise just yet - but I hear my body craving it. I also hear my body being more hungry when I exercise, so that kind of sucks in it's own way.

I Am Dying

So about a week ago I went and purchased EA Sports Active. The first time I went to try it I realized that our nun chuck was killed and we needed another one. No biggie, I thought I could wait. Patience.

A few days later I bought a nun chuck. Still didn't try it. Not much time at home alone lately to make a sweaty fool of myself.

Until today. My kids all went off to their sports practice, and I forced myself to open the nun chuck and get down to business.

Now, you can go to Amazon and read reviews, or use google or whatever - I'm not giving you all that. I'm just telling you that, though right now I'm in hate with this Sports Active thing, I do happen to feel like I'm dying. AKA I had a decent workout. I can't complain that it didn't work me (I'm doing the 30-day challenge), and I did the "low impact" version to start.

What I will complain about, however, is the leg strap:

See that thing that fits around her tiny upper thigh? Well try hooking that bad boy up to a tree trunk, and you have a problem. Even on a skinny thigh, I'm not sure how people keep it from slipping down while they are running?!

I put it in my pocket, and that almost resulted in murder. Me doing lunges, it not registering, and the dude telling me to step it up. I was cursing at my television. Something I don't do often. I finally managed to cut off all blood supply to my leg and strapped on above my knee, but it kept slipping off. I was sweating, smelling, glasses falling off my face, and the leg strap slipping sent me into near uncontrolled rage.

I finished, though. And I don't think I do well with these "game" workouts. This is my third one and I've wanted to kill all of them, really.

I'm going to try to see it through because I tend to make excuses when the going gets tough. Fault of mine. Besides, like I said, I did get a decent workout, anger and all, and I HAVE to break this 270 barrier. 

271 - Feeling Twitchy

Another pound gone.
Feeling twitchy.

338 was my high
198 is my major goal (getting below 200)

271 is where I am

Other goals on my docket:

getting below 270
getting below 265 (have not done this)

As I'm looking at my numbers I'm realizing that the difference between 338 and 198 is 140 pounds.

Cut that in half and you get 70.

I'm 4 pounds away from being halfway to my goal.

Something like that.

I'm hitting major strides, though I feel kind of guilty along the way.

My progress has been slow, but it continues to progress. I use my calories as a marker. However, the past week or so I've felt fatter. I've felt like I've gained weight. But the scale says differently. I'm trying to trust that, but I'm also paying attention to the fact that I don't feel smaller right now. I may be bloated, but I may be saggy. I just don't know. To me, it seems like my clothes hung more last time I was at this weight (or around this weight), but that might have been when I hit my "low" of 265. I still have 6 pounds to go to hit that. Maybe I will feel a major difference.

It isn't a scale "plateau" but rather a clothes-fitting one. Shall be interesting.

I've not done spectacular with my eating, but I continue to manage. I felt good about the couple days where I really could have went off track and didn't. One was at a friend's house, watching the football game. I could have downed a bottle of wine and 2000 calories of food just in that short time, but I had 2 glasses of wine, and maybe 800-1000 calories of food. It doesn't sound like anything great, but for me it was progress. I didn't feel deprived at all and I woke up feeling no guilt.

Today we went out to lunch, though, and I know I went over calories. But I did skip the fries, and split a dessert.

Compromise.

Yet, I still feel twitchy. I don't want to "compromise" too terribly much because I don't feel at all like I'm in a place where I need to slow down or anything. I worry a bit that if I get too comfortable with compromising too much, the scale will surely show it. It's like playing roulette.

Another one of my downfalls is socialization surrounding cocktails and good food, and keeping on track while doing that. I enjoy being social, but I don't enjoy having to stuff myself into my clothes.

I really want to see this scale below 270, and soon.

Last week I purchased EA Sports Active. I really need something I can do in my house, and read a lot of good reviews on it. I went with the first version rather than the second one because reviewers seemed to like it better. I haven't had a chance to try it yet, though, because my kids ruined our nun chuck  So I had to purchase a new one. I hope to get into it on Wednesday, though. Will let you know what I think.

Have a great start to your week!

Steady Goes The Girl

Still the same, 272.
It said 274 on Monday and that scared me a bit. But, I know that I often allow myself to weigh in on Monday and Wednesday. Weight can fluctuate.

Regardless of what the scale says (whoops I typed "scare" instead of "scale" at first, haha), I don't feel so great. It might be hormones since it was that TOTM last week. Or hormonal release, I don't know for sure.

I've been eating OK. After Monday's shocker, I forced myself to stay w/in my calories for the 2 days between and I did. It isn't always easy. Last night I just brushed my teeth and went to bed. No seconds, though my habits wanted me to dig in for more... for something.

I realize having chocolate around, or some sweet is a good thing for me. I like my treat. If I can have a chocolate square, I can be OK.

I started incorporating walks again. For a while I wasn't, but I need them. I am just looking at a minimum of 3x per week. I don't want to overdo it on myself, but my body craves the movement, it isn't bad for me, and I'm setting a pretty low bar.

I also reallyreally want to lose this next 10 pounds. I want to get below 270 so freaking bad. I want to hit the 259 mark incredibly bad. I haven't been there in a long, long time.

My clothes are still comfortable, but not loose. That's another non-scale goal for me. I want to need some new clothing. I'm not there yet, though.

I'm going slow and steady, but I'm still going steady. I'd love to say that through spring, through summer, and back into fall and winter again. That's something else I haven't done - stay with it for the long haul. I need to do this for myself.

I need to prove to myself that I can break my own barrier and get out of those 260s for once and for all. I might even be satisfied with that in itself, I don't really know right now.

My roadblocks are stress and fear.

Stress and needing the "easier" route. And fear of a saggy-skinned stomach, not being able to do anything about it (surgery), and having it flopping around, impeding my daily life and fitness goals.

That is one of my other challenges to myself: call my insurance, see if they cover such a thing. I know it is a weird fear to have, but if I know what I'm up against, then I can figure my way around it. I have to admit to myself that wearing a skin apron isn't necessarily going to be my future, if I continue to lose weight.

I don't want surgery. I fear surgery. But I also fear having this skin hanging to my knees. It makes me want to cry thinking about it.