The Things I Am

This has been another year of "getting by" for me.  More of me holding my life together, than me focusing on my own health.  I'm not sure if that will change or continue come 2017.

In a staff lunch we were talking about taking care of self.  It was our department, about seven of us, all in similar jobs.  We're all stressed out (some of us more than others).  We talked about how SELFISH you have to be if you want to take care of yourself.  It's easier when you don't have kids to look after.  It's easier if you don't have a spouse.  It's easiest if you only have to take care of YOURSELF.

I was doing that a few years ago, successfully.  I lost a significant amount of weight and felt better in my own skin.  I definitely struggled, but I was on a good path.

I no longer feel that way.  I drink almost every day (mostly from stress, and needing to "come down" from the day).  I feel unhappy in my relationship, and dedicate NO time to fixing that.  I feel time is slipping away with my kids (they are all almost adults now, and I feel like there's been so much wasted time).

As much as I love how far I've gotten in my "career" in the past few years, I'm not really happy with where I am in my life outside of that.  I've met new people, learned new things, accomplished goals (the job I'm in now is the job I couldn't even get an interview for a few years ago).  But, I wouldn't say I'm happier.  I have more knowledge.  As much as I love-hate my position, it's not who I am.  I've sort of lost myself in all of this.

The Things I am
I'm a mother.
I'm a crafter.
I'm spontaneous.
I'm a reader.
I'm a caregiver.
I'm a church-goer.
I'm a camper.
I'm a singer.
I'm a homemaker.
I'm a cook.
I'm a writer.
I'm a wife.
I'm a sister.
I'm a daughter.
I'm an animal-lover.
I'm a gardener.
I'm a photographer.
I'm a friend.

I'm literally none of those things anymore.  I am that person in tiny increments, sometimes.
I'm too consumed by my M-F, 9-5 job.
I only have so much to give, and I give most of it when I'm at my job.
Then I come home tired, angry, frustrated, and burnt out.

I know I'd be unhappy letting my job go.  I know it.

So, as much as this is the year to better myself, enjoy my family, and get back to my own roots... this is the year that I also quit my dream job and find one that accommodates my life, rather than having my life accommodate my job.  I want to travel.  I want to be healthier.  I want to explore more of the things I enjoyed before I threw myself into this crazy ring of work-work-work.

None of the Things I Am can be replaced by someone else.
But my position at work will have a replacement within two weeks, if I quit.

Cabbage Soup Day 1 Recap - 290

Day 1 of my RESET.  I'm drinking protein shakes (two kinds), and eating cabbage soup.  The

The cabbage soup comes from the Cabbage Soup Diet - google it.  It's been around a while.  I've eaten it before.  I doubled this and made a huge pot.  I also added extra pepper flakes and some Sriracha sauce because I like spice.  And a cup of corn.  And some lime. People eat this for seven days, I'm doing it for three.  I'm mostly doing it because it is low calorie, warm, and I want something I don't have to think about making for a couple days.  Something easy to grab.

It does sort of go against all my feelings for quick fixes and diet fads.  But it's not so much a quick fix on weight loss for me (although losing the 5 pounds I just gained would be nice); I have way too many pounds to lose.  But it's an approach to zapping my cravings, and getting me in line.  The diet has different foods to eat, depending on the day.  I'm really just using the soup, the shakes, and improvising, but trying to keep it to those two things as much as possible.

CABBAGE SOUP
Ingredients
½ head of cabbage, chopped (I used pre-shredded cabbage, aka cole slaw)
1 cup diced celery
1 cup onion, diced
1 cup carrots, diced
1 green bell pepper, diced
2-3 cloves garlic, minced
4 cups chicken broth
14 oz can basil, oregano, garlic diced tomatoes
1 teaspoon oregano
1 teaspoon basil
½ teaspoon red pepper flakes
black pepper, to taste
½ teaspoon salt (optional)

INSTRUCTIONS:
Heat 2 tablespoons of olive oil in a large pot over medium heat. Add celery, onions, bell peppers, and carrots. Saute until slightly tender. Stir in garlic. Add chicken broth. Stir in diced tomatoes (with juice - the whole can) and cabbage. Stir in spices and cook until cabbage is tender. Taste broth and adjust seasoning if needed.  I added the juice of half a lime, too.  I also don't like my veggies too soft, so I don't cook them all the way.

Original recipe says it makes enough for about 3 days, but that might be eating it all day?  Not sure.

Today has been OK.  I had my coffee and cream (2 cups) in the morning, followed by a Muscle Milk.   I went on about my morning and a couple hours later realized I was STARVING and feeling shaky and yuck.  I had my Level Life shake, drank some water, and headed out to do some light shopping.  

I really wasn't feeling well.  I should have had that shake earlier, I suppose.  I went into Costco and started shopping and did have one sample - chicken breast, plain - literally a bite of chicken.  I figured that was better than passing out, which was how I was feeling.  The shake must have made it into my system, and the chicken stopped my growling tummy.  I felt fine after that. 

When I got home I immediately started to assemble my soup.  I was actually looking forward to it.   One of my kids did remark on how snappy I was today.  It hurt my feelings.  I didn't want to say it was because I was denying myself regular food, though.  My kids wouldn't understand.  If I said I was trying to quit smoking they might (no, I don't smoke).  As it cooks now, it smells yummy.  I can't wait to dig in.  I don't even care that I can't have bread and butter or anything else.  I want my soup! 

I had another shake, this time pouring it into one of my favorite mugs to make it feel more special.

Nothing exciting, but I did prefer that to drinking it from the package it came in.

I think in total I had 4 cups of the soup and 4 shakes.  Then about 10PM I broke down and had a piece of fried chicken.  My stomach hurt, and I wanted to have a decent night sleep.  My calories were at >1000, and that's ridonkolous.

At any rate, that's what it is.  I think I drank ~13 cups of water, probably more.

I did not hit my 10,000 steps, I did not go on a walk.  Can't handle everything at once.

Woke up in the morning and I weigh 287.

Stepping Out Of My Comfort Zone

Hi. I'm fine.

I survived PMS. Actually, I survived it well. My medicine was prayer and conversations with God.

I was also completely wrapped up in preparing and interviewing for a new job. It's a crazy feeling - exciting and maddeningly frightening - I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm part-time. The position is full-time. BIG change for me. But could positively impact our finances.

I went to the interview this week, and got asked back for a 2nd one. I'm nervous. Super nervous. I have the weekend to think about it, but really - it's out of my hands now. They like me, or they wouldn't have asked me back. I'm POSITIVE I could contribute well to their business. I hope I can convey that.

Needless to say my mind has been less on my eating, and more on my life, and just keeping afloat.

This is the busiest time at my work. Today I had to rush straight from work to take a skills test for this job opportunity. Wouldn't you know it - crisis, 3 minutes before I need to leave. I was assertive, and gracious, and left the concerns behind me as much as possible. I have a hard time saying "no" and felt good about myself for doing it this time.

But I'll be honest - by the time I took that test today, my brain was fried. Literally. So I'm not feeling great about how I did.

There's 2 jobs I'm applying for, and really wanting. I like this one for certain reasons, and there's another I've applied but haven't interviewed for. The later one is the one I might actually prefer, but I've really been praying to be led and content with what happens.

So, unfortunately on the losing weight front I've made no progress, but on the life - and stepping out of my own safety zone - I'm making HUGE progress. That is something I can be super proud of!