I Overindulged On Labor Day

I should update here.

Today is the first day back to school for my kids. The house is quiet, but empty without them here. I have a list of things I need to do and know I will not have enough time to do all of it. But I'm at peace. I'll do what I can do.

A backpack.
Dinner.
Laundry.

I can handle those things.

The rest... we'll see.

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I went off my low carb"diet" on Labor Day.

Not for the entire day, but for a meal. I had a beer. I had macaroni and cheese. I had potatoes. I had wine (normally I allow that, but I'm throwing it in there). I had cake. And pie. And then I had another bite of the cake. And the pie.

And then I started to feel sick. Not like just my tummy was about to explode, but like I wanted to crawl out of my own skin and pump my stomach sick. I had this feeling once before when I drank wine and ate dinner at a friend's house. I think there was hidden carbs/sugar in the chicken's sauce, and I didn't have enough other non-carb fillers to buffer the blow.

I literally thought I was going to melt. I can't explain the feeling, but it's beyond a pat on the tummy to indicate a well-indulged meal. It's a feeling like something is freaking WRONG in my system, and my body wants to expel it, even if it has to squirt it through my eyeballs.

It was nice to just eat like everyone else and not worry about it. I still loaded up on meat and kept the others to small portions, but after having none, even small portions is a shock. I do have to say that over and above the dessert (which was SO good), was the macaroni and cheese. I'll have to try that using cauliflower instead for a sub, because I really do enjoy that recipe. I enjoy mac and cheese.

I also was a bloated animal, weighing 258 on the scale the next day. I'm down to 255 today, but I can see that the ramifications are lasting a bit.

However, I think I needed that "cheat day/meal" - I have been for a while. It reminded me of why I'm eating the way I'm eating. I felt somewhere on the scale of that ickiness quite often while I was eating carbs, and it wasn't pleasant.

I'll keep figuring this out. Right now I need to refocus on losing weight. I won't make that 100 pound loss by my deadline. But I bet I can make it by Christmas if I really try. What a treat it would be to me to be able to feel baggy in my comfortable clothes now? It would be a HUGE treat. I'm not at a weight that I think is sustainable for ever, though, I could. It's better than 338 or 295. But I'd like to get rid of another 50ish pounds and see if I can maintain that.

I hope by this time next year I'm at that point. I certainly could be.

Low Carb Almond Bread Recipe

Almond Flour Bread (Low Carb)
I found this recipe on Low Carb Friends. It uses simple ingredients that I had on hand, and has really satisfied my bread longings.

I grew up on toast, by the way. My mom was either making bread (delicious homemade breads), or toasting it for most of my childhood. She wasn't one to buy cheap white breads, either. Always hearty wheat bread, which makes my love for bread all that more intense. I really do miss it.

Almond Butter Bread  
1 cup almond butter*
3 eggs
1 Tablespoon vinegar
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 packet splenda (I used liquid stevia, about 10 drops)

Blend almond butter and eggs with blender until smooth. Add in remaining ingredients. Pour into a sprayed 8 1/2" by 4 1/2" loaf pan and smooth the top (I used a whoopie pie pan and a cookie scoop). Bake at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes (15 for muffins or whoopie pan). Let cool a bit, then remove to wire rack to cool completely. Slice and eat.

*If you don't have almond butter you can use almonds or almond flour. Just blend in a processor, adding a trickle of oil, until you get the right consistency. I used some sliced almonds and olive oil.

Here's what I got (I meant to take more pictures, but... oh well):

Here's right out of the oven.

With chicken salad on them:

Chicken salad, egg muffins, and then this. Oh this was so good. Too good, kind of naughty. This is peanut butter and chocolate. I used 20g peanut butter, and 10g Hershey's Sugar Free Chocolate Syrup. That and a cold glass of almond coconut milk? Yum-may.

I really wouldn't think much if someone gave me one of these as a biscuit. I certainly wouldn't guess it's almonds and eggs. I'm going to try these in another shaped pan for bread. The calories are kind of high on this, but it's worth budgeting in.

Nutritional Info Fat: 11.9g Carbohydrates: 4.2g Calories:144.8 Protein: 6.3g

I Have A Carb-Intolerance

I'm not bipolar, but I feel like it sometimes.

I'm up, I'm down.

I want to run from my husband, I want to run to my husband.

My love for my kids is constant, and bittersweet. Can't they stay babies forever?

I'm having a rough time. Clearly, right?

I'm discouraged, but it is mostly overload. Really concentrating on losing weight (for me) is work. It's all-consuming at times. It's easier on the To Do list to be 300 pounds and not care what goes in your mouth -- better yet, you can consume ENORMOUS amounts of calories and not gain weight. Brilliant! But you're stuck in a cage of fat and distain that doesn't go away.

This is time-consuming, but easier in every other way. There's no way I'm giving up or turning back. I'm just hitting my very first massive roadbump and it's name is Bonita.

Hi.

I talked with my husband about it and he didn't give me the "I love you the way you are" speech. He told me I'd come too far and I'm a New Person. He didn't give me the grace to slide back into a big ball of fat again. He gave me the confidence to move forward, and to not give up.

That's kind of a big deal that I need to marinate on for a bit. Hard to explain and put to words.

----------------------

We got a pizza. I ate it. I want SO bad to really eat it. To snarf a whole piece, bread and all.

But I didn't. I had 3 slices, and ate 1/3 of the crust of one slice.

I gave the dog some of my crust, because he loves pizza crust, and he's as sweet as sugar. I drank some wine. I took a bite of a brownie, chewed it, savored it, and spit it out. Rinsed my mouth. I wondered what kind of freak does that. Oh yeah, I do. 

I really can't eat like everyone else does. I have a carb-intolerance. I know this. Me, eating the way everyone else does, will render me a diabetic/hypoglycemic, fat, and not feeling good. That's not living - not the way I want to live.

This isn't really a "diet" on the whole. It is how it is. Yes, I'll ease up as time goes on and find my happy balance. But right now, eating under 50 net carbs a day is my life. 

254.6

Two pounds down. Interesting.
Kind of humbled because I was ready to start whining about how frustrating it is when hard work doesn't pay off on the scale, and then Mr. Scale shoves that right back in my face.

I was completely prepared, although ready to revolt, for another 256/257 weigh in today. I was scared because I can't seem to figure things out, or get results from what I feel like is hard work.

The past week has gone OK, but I have been dealing with some old issues and cravings. Like I said in the post a couple days ago, I drank too much on Friday night. Or I ate too little. Combo of both. We had Mother's Day. I didn't go too crazy, but I did "splurge" and get these:

It was a compromise between eating the sugary version, the sugar free version, or nothing - and letting my cravings run wild. Have I told you I've had cravings? It's been kind of a scary week. So, I settled on those babies and ate 3 of them. My boys ate the other ones. It hit the spot.

I don't miss too much right now as far as food goes, but I also know that I'm going to be losing for a while, and then trying to maintain. I can't get stuck in the rut of being militant about things to the point of failure, which is kind of my tendency. I need to find that sweet spot happy medium.

For the record, the past few days I really ramped up a couple things:

• Fat intake (adding coconut oil to my coffee, along with the cream, 2x per day). Remember I'm doing a Low Carb, High Fat way of eating (more on that in another post). My calories have bumped up a bit to between 1800 and 2000, and my fat intake has been about 160, carbs less than 70g. When I factor in fiber, it's been less than 50g per day.*

• Water intake (shooting for at least 64oz. - I'd like to up it from there). When I feel thirsty, I know I haven't given myself enough water. I feel thirsty often. 8-8oz. glasses of water really isn't cutting it, and is my bare minimum. Oftentimes I don't hit that mark. I'm really working to exceed that daily.

• Movement/exercise (just ramped it up a bit - have slacked off). I normally shoot for 3-20min. walks per week or 3 miles. I want to, in the end, be more active than that, though. With my sedentary job, I think I need to fit in more exercise. I'm not running or doing anything like that at this time, but shaking it up a bit. I could do 3-20min. walks when I was 330 pounds. I should be able to do more than that, now.

*One thing I notice about this Holy Grail of Fat/Water/Movement - my skin. I think it's mostly the fat and water, but it feels so much better. When I started upping my fat I noticed that my skin almost felt like it had a protective layer on it when I shower. It's great.

I don't know if that kick-started things for me, or the combination, but I'm happy to have been able to lose a bit again. Still shooting for getting below 250 this month. I know I shouldn't have my goals married so directly to the scale, but I also know that I don't want to hang out here forever. The longer I hang out here, the more I've been feeling like my body is inclined to start pushing upwards again. It settled so nicely in that 265 zone that I feel it pulling back there again. I want to get far away from that and reset my "meter" again, God willing!

My FitBit is helping a bit, though it's only been a couple days. I like that it tracks my steps, though I don't think it is the most accurate, but it is still another tool for me. I'm definitely below that 10,000 step range. This morning I got up and did a 2-mile Walk Away The Pounds and got some steps in right off the bat, but it registered me as doing 1.5 miles. A little frustrating.

Summed up - today was a good weigh-in day. They aren't always good, as we all know.

Holding At 261

Yesterday I almost came and wrote a whiny I'm-not-losing-post. In fact, it was going to be about gaining.

I saw my weight bumping up, getting as high as 263 as of yesterday. I was very discouraged.

I've been re-informing myself on low-carb eating, and on lowcarb/highfat (LCHF) eating as well. I've been following a semi low carb higher fat diet for a week now, and was afraid of weight gain.

It is similar to regular low-carb, but it balances it out with a higher percentage of fat, and less carbs than say a South Beach Diet.

The only thing I've gone kind of wild on is having 1oz. of heavy cream in my tea over the past couple weeks. I've cut caffeine, and haven't had any, but replaced it with this habit. The most I have is three cups, but generally have two.

It feels very indulgent, and I'm surely going to have to give it up at some point. But for now, I enjoy it.

I haven't gone too hog wild otherwise. I don't add butter to my cheese, but I'm not as worried about frying my mushrooms in a pat of butter, either.

We will see how it goes. One thing I notice - my blood sugars/hypoglycemia-ish events are pretty much GONE.

I'm not as hungry. I still crave foods, and feel like eating when I shouldn't be - but that's part of my problem on the whole. I've been able to go without eating for hours and feeling fine - something I haven't done in a while. It is interesting.

Today I had my breakfast (2 egg omelette with mushrooms and swiss, and 3 strawberries, tea and cream). Normally it would have been 1 egg, 1 piece of toast and butter with coffee. I went to an appointment and ran some errands, not eating at all. I had the urge to stop and grab a snack, but realized I wasn't hungry or shaky - so why bother?

That. Doesn't. Happen. For. Me.

I always need snacks. I always get clammy and shaky.

For me this type of eating seems to be working. Satiating, satisfying, and has less of an impact on my body than concentrating on fat and calories. I still count my calories, but fats (which I never thought were evil) are not as evil as they were. One good thing about it is my more liberal use of olive oil, which I think is an extremely healthy part of a diet.

I'll admit I wanted to throw in the towel yesterday, but I was back at 261 today. For now. I will continue with it since I truly feel better. I will have my cholesterol checked, though, if possible.

I do want to lose weight, so I need to figure out how to do that, since I didn't this past week. I need to lose weight, and that is just as important as feeling better. Hopefully I do by my next weigh in.

Weigh In 261

Well, wow.

I weighed myself today and came in at 261.0 on the nose.

WHAT?!

I'm seriously 2 pounds from being on the other side of the 200s? That is craziness!!!

I weighed myself twice to double-check. See, I weighed in before the weekend (again) and it was 262. I was hoping to be able to hold that number, since we had a dinner party to go to, and other social events.

Here I come back this morning, hopeful, but not convinced, and I lose a pound. It makes me feel like something is wrong. Haha.

With my new scale I weigh in in bra and underwear, which is nice. I don't have that privacy in my livingroom where my Wii is. So I put on my tank and pajama bottoms (.6 pound difference) and came out and weighed in on the Wii and did a differential of 0. It weighed me in at 259 and celebrated me making my goal.

I'm not ready to celebrate yet, but I'm feeling good - better - about things.

My only (it's more major than an only, really) change is watching carbs. Cutting out the breads, sweets, pastas and rice. I know some people are squeemish about low-carb, but many people have had success. It's worked for me in the past. This time, I'm working it along with my calorie counting. Calorie counting worked to get me here, but I was having a ridiculously hard time getting beyond that.

It scares me to go on any kind of "diet" because whatever way you get there, you have to maintain. Can I maintain this way of eating? I may have to, especially if it gives me results. Apparently my body needed me to change something.

My usual breakfasts were an egg, piece of toast with butter. Now they are an egg (or two), often some protein, and always some sort of veggie.

(Two eggs, leftover steak, red peppers)

(Egg and cheese omelette, kale)

Last night we had spaghetti and chops. I had the chops and a little sauce over kale. I really didn't miss the spaghetti so much, and I definitely need to up my vegetable consumption anyway, and cut down on alcohol and sweets.

I'm doing what I can and, right now, thinking of today and not worrying as much about later. The fact that I'm losing weight is very exciting to me. It's been a while of stalling. I wonder if that burst of Metformin did it for me, or if it is the change in eating. I'm still a little concerned about going on that pill next month, but I will have a chance to talk to my doctor again, so I'll put it out of my head right now.

Settling In

Happy Friday.

I've done OK this week. Kind of taking in the information my doctor gave me. Contemplating going to a nutritionist to get some feedback on a lower carb diet. I've done low carb before, but I know that things change, and it has been a while for me.

It's a little frustrating, figuring out how much protein, fat, and carbs I want to be taking in, and I'm guessing there will be some trial and error. I look back to my calorie-counting (where I still watched my carbs, but not too much), and seemed to take in around 200, give or take. Lately I've been aiming for 100 per day. But I don't want to overdo the fats, and end up gaining.

I feel pretty good right now. I've had to cut out caffeine  though, and I don't know why. It happens to me every now and then where I get sensitive to it, usually in spring. I switch to de/nocaf teas and coffee. I've been putting cream in it, which is an indulgence I don't usually partake in.

Low carbing makes some sense to me, but it's a huge pity that spaghetti, rice, breads... are all pretty inexpensive and flexible. I don't know that it is realistic for me to cut them out entirely from the menu. For me, for a while, maybe, but certainly not for the rest of the family.  I make spaghetti squash quite frequently, though, so that is not a great sacrifice.

Tonight the kids want pizza, so I'm going to make that. I just have to figure out a compromise for me to have some sort of pizza. Low carb can get boring when you're on a budget.

I did weigh myself - I've been doing it daily. It drives me a bit bonkers, but it also helps me to see my fluctuations, and to keep myself on track right now while I experiment.

I'm Still Alive... And Now I'm Off Metformin (263.8)

This is going to be quick. Grammer and spelling might be rough.

First off, I weigh 263. I haven't posted a weigh in for a bit, but it hasn't really been doing much (besides fluctuating wildly). This is the 3rd time I've weighed 263. I'm hoping that I'm breaking that barrier.

I'm off Metformin. I was way too woozy.

The things I found out while being on Metformin and testing my blood sugars:

I'm not diabetic (according to doctor).
I'm not dangerously hypoglycemic (though my readings tend to be low rather than high).

After being on the drug for 10 days, and not being able to tolerate it for the last 3 of those days, I went to the doctor to clarify exactly what we were doing with being on the Metformin. I explained how crappy I've felt, how out of energy I've felt, how I feel hypoglycemic ALL THE TIME (even though I guess I technically am not). I wanted to fal in a ball on ground and sob, but clinic floors are filthy.

What she said was - um, BG, you've lost a significant amount of weight. I see you were in the clinic back in September and you were 295 pounds. You weighed in today (6 months later) at 265 pounds. It might not seem like a lot, but your body has gone through some changes. It is resetting itself. You have new normals for glucose readings, hormones -- your body needs to stabilize.

She said she thinks Metformin is right for me, but told me to wait a month. Make sure I'm a bit more stable, make sure that I can differentiate between my hormones and the drug before going on it again (I'm not sure I could before). She said my readings were all very good while on the drug and I didn't need to worry about that. But for the metabolic syndrome and PCOS that I was dealing with, the drug could prove to be helpful for me.

I'm hopeful but hesitant on the Metformin, but what she was saying makes sense, about the body regulation to the "new me" for my weight. Considering I've been here 3 times and failed twice, I think I get to a certain point and my body is like, Whoa now, this doesn't feel right?! Let's get you back to where you need to be to feel normal.

My "normal" has settled at 338, 298, and, well, about 267. Those seem to be my landmarks. 262 is a number that I faintly remember as being a "normal" for a while.

So I have to fight through it to get to another normal, I guess. It's been frustrating and difficult, to say the least, though.

A change I've made recently is to cut out a lot of the carbs I was eating. I feel like I need to do something to get through here, and carbs have often NOT been my friend. I didn't eat a drastically lowered carb diet to get where I am now, that was mostly calories. But, I've been doing good on my calories and am still finding difficulty getting past this point. It looks like I might be breaking through, but I'm not convinced until I see a 25-something number.