I Had Sleeve Surgery!

 Hello! 

My last post was almost 2 years ago and right now I'm about a week out from VSG aka Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy. It took me a while to get here, but I'm here.

Surgery went fine and well after a 2 week liquid diet.  I was in the hospital for 1 day and then home.  The goal is to have 64 oz. of liquids each day and it took me 5 days to get there (this includes broth, jello, popsicles, protein).  I haven't had too much protein because it sits really heavy in my stomach right now.  Bone broth and half water half Propel (or other electrolyte drink) has been my go-to so far.  And, now I can finish a whole popsicle, as long as I'm not loaded up with water or other before.

It's a lot of trial and error and diligence.  I made a chart for myself so I can make sure I'm accurately accounting for my movement, my vitamins (there's SO MANY), and my intake.

I feel pretty decent, getting out most days for either a walk around the neighborhood or around a store.  I'm not up to pushing a cart, so I carry my food or whatever I'm looking for.  

I pooped, once.  On day 4 I believe -- I had gas on day 1, which is a good sign apparently.  My poop was not anything remarkable, more of a small explosion.  But it's something.  I suspect there will be more.  I just want to make sure to document some of this.

I've been hovering around 289-293 for quite some time.  There are some points where I've gotten up to 304 (from my records), but for the most part held in at 289ish.  

Here's a few stats.

Start of liquid diet: 294

End of liquid diet: 283 (day of surgery)

Day after surgery: 285 

(Almost) 1 week later: 276

So, since starting the liquid diet I'm down close to 20 pounds.  I haven't been at this weight in years (see sidebar).  I can definitely feel it when sitting criss-cross-applesauce and when wiping my butt already.  I'm still sore in my tummy, but I'm able to move better each day, which is nice.  I've been cooking and trying to clean here in there.  I do still enjoy cooking -- it's almost kind of freeing when I'm not eating it.  I just cook to enjoy cooking and there's no worry about should I or shouldn't I or whatever.  I've been freezing little bits here and there in 2oz containers for later.  I did lick some food off my finger (a very tiny amount of sauce) and even that felt like it sat heavy.

So there's all that in a nutshell.

Weight Loss Surgery Program!

 My last post was 3.5 years ago.  A lot has happened since that, but a lot has stayed the same, too.  Actually in the weight category it's mostly stayed the same.

I was riding around barking on 300's door for quite some time, hanging in around 297.  It was frustrating.  I'm not saying I didn't have any part in it.  I was maintaining by just allowing myself the grace not to pay attention to my health through nourishing foods.  I don't eat junk food, but even good foods can keep weight on.

At any rate, I somehow pulled the reigns a bit and logged food, etc. and got myself in a better direction.  I also started the bariatric program at our local hospital.  End goal: Weight Loss Surgery.

It's always been at the back of my mind, honestly, but I never wanted to go to that "extreme."  Besides, I couldn't afford it, and our insurance did not cover it, so it wasn't really even worth thinking about, so I also convinced myself not to even think about it.

But now it is a choice.  Everyone calls it a TOOL just like anything else (trackers, programs, diets).  It's no miracle, you have to work with it or it won't work.  Unless you're one of the "lucky" ones that ends up basically starving to death and can't consume foods like a normal human anymore.  Believe me I've read about those.  The good stories outweigh the bad.  But the bad sit heavy on the brain.

I'm not going to talk too much about all of that, but just to say that I'm in the running for it, and looking to get approved after my last session in February.

Then... who knows.  With Covid, who knows how long it would take to get in.  I'm not entirely sure.  But sometime this spring could be my time.

Some days I'm so excited I just want to have the surgery, already! And other times I'm like, girl you are not getting this surgery who are you kidding?

Today I'm somewhere in the middle of that, but I'm also working on completing the things I need to to have it be an option.  I just need them to "pass" me and my insurance to approve it.  Then we're a "go."

But I also need to decide between the Sleeve (VSG) or Bypass (RNY).  Everyone has their own reasons for their choice, and googling will tell you some ways to narrow it down.  But it's a weird thing for a surgeon to let you decide.  So I need to talk to mine about that.

I was totally for VSG when I started all of this.  Less tinkering with the toolbox, I guess.  But as I read on, I wonder if "going all the way" might be the best option.  I'm not yet 50, and I hope I have a good 25+ years of health and mobility left in me.  I don't want to be in the hospital for all kinds of issues related to this surgery.

In fact, I've never had surgery.  Well, C-section.  But that's it.  

The whole thing is weird to me if I think on it too much.  And, though I know it would be the fight of my life (since I've been fat and battling the foodieinme forever.  

But I remember saying that it would be wonderful to wake up at a healthy weight and just have to maintain it.  Not that it would be easy, but goodness it would be wonderful.  This is kinda sorta like that, but you get a jump start before surgery, a baptism-by-fire while recovering, and then you have the job of using what you've learned to maintain it.

I like to write so you might see more posts of me writing about this.  Mostly it's just me getting my own words out.  But I've been helped tremendously from others who have journaled (videos, writing, etc.) so maybe this will do the same for others.  I may or may not leave my old stuff published, I don't know.  OR I'll make a fresh start.

I Started Metformin Again

I want to leave myself a little note.
I started Metformin again.
I'm on Day 3.

Haven't had any issues with it as of yet.  It was about 3 (which means 5) years ago that I went on it, got through about a week, bumped it up, and went off.  My doctor still wanted me to give it another try, and I'm embarrassed to say it took me this long to do it. 

At any rate, I feel fine so far.  I'm not going to bump up over 500 mg, though, unless I have a very good reason.  I seem to do better on smaller doses of things.

I've been tired lately - or wanting to sleep longer.  Maybe it's age, maybe I'm sleeping better.  I used to want to sleep, sleep, sleep when I was a teenager.  The last few years I've been getting up early no matter what, and now the last few months I want to sleep again.  It could be that I've been taking the sertraline and my morning anxiety is lessened?  I don't really know.  I never related it to that before, so I'll have to think on that.

Jease, any more meds?!  Haha.

I've tried to keep my anxiety under control, but I can't, so I'm trying meds.  They're definitely helping, no doubt.  My PMS is greatly lessened.  It's not a 100% turnaround or anything, but it's minimized. 

I still haven't gone to the gym (I renewed my membership). 

I've been walking more since I absolutely LOVE fall, and could spend every day outside in this weather.

Old Goals

I'm keeping a record of my old goals here so I can remember them.  But updated my goals so I can re-achieve them.

MAJOR GOALS

 238 (100 pounds GONE)

Mini Goals

2016

 below 280

 below 270

 good habits through May

 size 24 pants

 clothes too loose

 jog 1 mile

 Goals Achieved 

 stay below 300

 Bike the 5-mile loop, no stopping

 below 290 (8/24/12)

 below285 (10/12)

 below 277 (11/12/12)

 below 269 (1/2 way to goal) (1/28/13)

 fit comfortably into clothes again (1/13)

 260 (lower than my lowest) 4/22/13

 257 (see this) 4/29/13

 someone ask if I've lost weight (not family) (6/13)

How Many Starting Again Posts Can I Have

Haha.

I guess I never "stopped" battling, or working on living a healthier lifestyle.  But I haven't been as intentional about it as I needed to.

Truth is I've been relatively healthy with my eating, and my walking.  But I need to lose weight.  That's the bottom line.  

For vanity reasons (let's be honest) - my clothes are tight.

For practical reasons - my body feels unnecessarily uncomfortable wrapped in so much fat.

For health reasons - carrying around this much excessive weight can't be healthy for me.

So, I've been intentional in other areas - like just trying to stay afloat of life, enjoying my time off, enjoying family, taking walks... but I really do need to TRY to shed some weight.  

I'd love to see 220, but I don't know.   Right now I really do need to start over.  I'm in another chapter of my life, and have NO reason not to focus on myself right now.

My short term goal is to get below 280.  I was balancing at 283 for a long time, and then started on Sertraline this summer and hit 290, which was where I seemed to hover, getting as high as 293 quite a few times.

I don't know if it was/is the Sertraline, or if it's the vacation that I took early in the season - or if it's hormones, or laziness.  I honestly don't know.

What I do know is that four short years ago on June 17, 2013 I was 249 pounds and felt A GREAT DEAL BETTER.  And now, a little over 4 years later I am 40 pounds heavier.

What changed?

My job changed.  I left a part-time job that I had for 6 years, and moved to full-time work.

I would have to say that was the major change in my life.  The good of that is that I've learned new skills, challenged myself in the workplace, and have met new people.  The not-so-good is that I've had a stressful time of things.  The first two jobs I had were stressful and one of them occupied way too much of my time.  The second one was a stepping stone, and the third brought me to a position that I've been trying to land since I took the first job.   

Though this current position is my "goal position" - it's been ladled with stress.  There's been a lot of turnover, and it was somewhat of a clean-up job when I started.  By this year, it was to be smooth sailing for me.  It's not there yet.  I come home stressed and edgy.  I take work home with me.  

Bottom line is if I can't find a work/life balance this year, I think I will give up what is to be my "dream job" - which I don't want to do.  But I worry that the balance weighs heavy on the job part, and not on the life part, and don't want to miss out on the second chapter of my life because I'm so wrapped up in my job.

I'm also trying to grow as a person and NOT give so much of myself to my work that I can't have a life on any day but the weekend.  A big part of that, for me, is losing weight so that I'm more comfortable to do the things I want to do, and I have to be intentional and have the energy to do that.

I have to figure out how because I don't want to wait a year to make that happen.

This post is a lot of babble, but writing it out helps me work through it.  That's one of the ways I focus on myself, I think.  

Checking In Before Weekend

I'm Day 5 into logging calories/carbs/fat, and trying to keep my streak for 30 days (even if I go above the goals I'm aiming for).

As with anytime you really stick to a restrictive way of eating, I've lost a few pounds.  I was at 280 this morning, which is the lowest I've fluctuated in a while.  I'm really wanting to leave March under 280.  If I can stick with this, I should be able to reach that goal no problem.

The weekends kill me though.  That's why I wanted to check in quick before the weekend.

I've really stuck to plan all week despite circumstances being not-so-great for success.  We were out of town last weekend, and I left with a pretty bare fridge.  I haven't been able to shop much at all this week, but have still managed to scrape together some meals.

At any rate, I'm hoping to do decent over the weekend and still be able to log a 280 (or less) weight next week when I check back in.

Have a great weekend.

I Wear My Seatbelt (Unless It Doesn't Fit)

I’m in a rut.

Not a stall or anything, but a life rut.

It’s daunting to need to lose a good 80 pounds.  Even 50 is daunting.  It sounds exciting, because it would CHANGE MY LIFE.  But it is a LOT of work.  Time that I might not have.  Or maybe it’s faith or patience that I don’t have.  Maybe more than I want to give.

I have a dear friend who is right around the weight I am.  She struggles, too.  Every time we get together we talk about our weight and why we can’t change it, and what we might be missing.  This last time it was rides.  Carnival rides.  Being too fat.  That was the major tangible thing we could come up with.

I can think of others, but we were a couple cocktails in and that stood out.

Did I ever tell you about riding in my dad’s truck?  How the seatbelt didn’t fit around me?  It wasn’t a big truck, and the seats didn’t slide back.  He’d pick me up on more than one occasion and I’d have to tuck my seatbelt in next to me, or hold it down so it looked like I had my seatbelt on.  And – it’s not like my dad is an unloving jerk.  But I didn’t want to tell him.  I didn’t want to say it out loud that I couldn’t fit that darn belt around me.  This was when I was 330 pounds, give or take.  I’d just given birth not too long ago.  It was before I lost the 50 pounds that I never found again.

It was horrible.

Because, I WEAR MY SEATBELT.  So, not only was I hiding from my dad, I was terrified for my own safety.  My dad is a bit of a reckless driver, which never helped the situation.

It was a horrible, shameful feeling. 

I just can’t find the time or desire to get over this hump.  I do know it will happen, but it hasn’t happened yet.  I’ve maintained at 283 for too long.

I’m taking steps, and I’ll talk about that next time. 

Quick Check In

Hi.

Today is Thursday.  No, Wednesday.  Today is Wednesday.

Today I woke up!  Kidding, not kidding.  Waking up is the start.  Everything you do after that is gravy or gravel.

I can't talk weight because mine looks not so good on the scale, but I can talk habits.  The first week of the new year,  I broke the eat-whatever-you-want-start-tomorrow habit of the holidays.  That's good.  I haven't had sweets, I wasn't having beer.  The second week, I kind of strayed.  I still kept with the idea of week 1, but I had a stress-inducing event coming up, and I just couldn't get a grip all the time - I ate more carbs than I should of.

This week, I'm doing OK.

There's a lot of things I'm working on, and trying to make habit so that I'm a happier ME than I've been.

MAKE EXERCISE A PRIORITY

Today - January 18 - I woke up and did a quick work out.  That's something new.  For a while I was doing 5-minute Walk Away The Pounds videos in the morning, just to get the blood flowing, and to create habit.   It didn't stick.

I think, though, beyond weight loss, I need to think more of my own health and what the benefits of regular exercise do.  I forget that piece sometimes and/or it falls away when the sidewalks are covered with a generous heaping of ice.  So, I forced myself to do a 1-mile walk.  Nothing I can't do in the 15 minutes I would normally use to Facebook stalk, right?

BETTER USE OF MY TIME

READ MORE

I love to read.  I don't set aside enough time to do it.  Period.

TAKE BETTER CONTROL OF MY MONEY

EAT SIMPLE FOODS AT HOME

I've been so stressed for years now that my money flies out the door in the shape of cheezy fries, beers, and "eating out" because I just don't have time.  Eating out is nice, and should be done sometimes for fun and leisure.  But it shouldn't eat up your entire salary.   I have to ditch the idea that every meal should be plated as if it were going to a king, and just throw stuff together.  It's usually healthier, and it's almost always cheaper.

LOSE WEIGHT

I don't feel the need to lose so much that people don't recognize me, but I do feel like I need to fit in my clothes and feel good in them.

LEARN SOMETHING NEW

I need to do this this year.

MY JOB

We'll see about my job, and what I do with that.  I love my job, but the bad management has made it a horrible, stressful place to work.  I can't have my life lead like that.  I just can't.

Anyway.  I think better life management will help.  After some struggles years ago, at times where we lived crisis to crisis, it kind of became our lives.  I don't want that.  I want to live accentuating the good moments in life, not just coping between the bad ones.  It's a rut, it's a habit.  But, I also have to believe things can change - I CAN CHANGE - and that I have control of that.

I hope you're having a good start to the new year!

The Things I Am

This has been another year of "getting by" for me.  More of me holding my life together, than me focusing on my own health.  I'm not sure if that will change or continue come 2017.

In a staff lunch we were talking about taking care of self.  It was our department, about seven of us, all in similar jobs.  We're all stressed out (some of us more than others).  We talked about how SELFISH you have to be if you want to take care of yourself.  It's easier when you don't have kids to look after.  It's easier if you don't have a spouse.  It's easiest if you only have to take care of YOURSELF.

I was doing that a few years ago, successfully.  I lost a significant amount of weight and felt better in my own skin.  I definitely struggled, but I was on a good path.

I no longer feel that way.  I drink almost every day (mostly from stress, and needing to "come down" from the day).  I feel unhappy in my relationship, and dedicate NO time to fixing that.  I feel time is slipping away with my kids (they are all almost adults now, and I feel like there's been so much wasted time).

As much as I love how far I've gotten in my "career" in the past few years, I'm not really happy with where I am in my life outside of that.  I've met new people, learned new things, accomplished goals (the job I'm in now is the job I couldn't even get an interview for a few years ago).  But, I wouldn't say I'm happier.  I have more knowledge.  As much as I love-hate my position, it's not who I am.  I've sort of lost myself in all of this.

The Things I am
I'm a mother.
I'm a crafter.
I'm spontaneous.
I'm a reader.
I'm a caregiver.
I'm a church-goer.
I'm a camper.
I'm a singer.
I'm a homemaker.
I'm a cook.
I'm a writer.
I'm a wife.
I'm a sister.
I'm a daughter.
I'm an animal-lover.
I'm a gardener.
I'm a photographer.
I'm a friend.

I'm literally none of those things anymore.  I am that person in tiny increments, sometimes.
I'm too consumed by my M-F, 9-5 job.
I only have so much to give, and I give most of it when I'm at my job.
Then I come home tired, angry, frustrated, and burnt out.

I know I'd be unhappy letting my job go.  I know it.

So, as much as this is the year to better myself, enjoy my family, and get back to my own roots... this is the year that I also quit my dream job and find one that accommodates my life, rather than having my life accommodate my job.  I want to travel.  I want to be healthier.  I want to explore more of the things I enjoyed before I threw myself into this crazy ring of work-work-work.

None of the Things I Am can be replaced by someone else.
But my position at work will have a replacement within two weeks, if I quit.

Nobody Wants to Hear This

I don't write much anymore because I don't have anything substantial to say.
I mean, I do, but not as it pertains to actually doing better, losing weight, or doing well.

I'm still hanging on by a thread.  Things in my work life were making progress, and then the rug was pulled out from underneath me.  Personnel changes, and all projects working towards something good are GONE.  Poof.  Like that.

Again.

So, the past few years has seen me 3 new job changes, and multiple weird situations that I can't make heads or tails of besides the fact that they are normal to life, and life is difficult.

My weight is the same, fluctuating between 279 on a good day, and 283 on a FATTY day.

Today, after suffering major work-related blow while trying to handle life as it comes daily, I've resorted to cocktails and carbs as a way of coping.  Add my period, and I'm nearly committable to a mental institution.

I don't want to feel this.  I want to be that beacon of light for the people around me, but I can't be.  I'm taxed to the end with no outlet at all and a head that runs in circles, confusing the most hard to confuse.

I wonder if I should start popping an anti-depressant or something like that.  I wonder a lot of things.  I also wonder if I should just tank my job, enjoy my life, and quit letting the corporate idea of what's important mandate my happiness.

I wonder a lot of things.

But today, as I gorge on liquor and noodles, I just feel badly for myself that coping becomes edible, and screen time on Blogger takes place of a real-life friend/mom/person to just talk to.

I trust nobody at work because nobody really cares about anyone but themselves.  So, hi.

Weigh In - 281

I have to rush off to work this morning, but I wanted to make sure I got this in.  I did weigh in last week at 281.  I wasn't sure if it would hold, but it did.  It was crazy.  I weighed in at 278 twice, but my scale was acting crazy.  So then when I finally weighed in and it said 281, I really didn't want to believe it.  So, by the time I got around to recording it for a solid weight, I never updated here.

Today is an important number.

I feel like I've been hovering at 285 for a long time (while not caring what I've eaten).  More than the scale, my clothes were very, very uncomfortable - my fat clothes.  To have my regular clothes feel better, I think I need to get to around 270/272.  But, clearly it's going to take me a while.  That will open up my wardrobe a bit.

So, I've dipped down to 282/283 before, but not 280.  I feel like I might actually be making some sort of a dent, and I'm thrilled about that.  Like maybe there's a possibility I could lose 10 more pounds.  I am going on vacation in a week, so I'm a little nervous about what that will bring.  But I'm not going to worry about it, since that's not going to get me anywhere.

I haven't really instituted exercise yet - not even walking.  The fact that I've held on over the last few weeks is simply amazing.  If I can manage my stress at work, and still continue on the path I'm on, I'll be pretty happy.  We'll see.  I'd love to be out of the 80s next weigh in.

Weigh In 282 (3rd Week In A Row)

The title says it all.

I'm 282 for the 3rd week in a row.

I didn't leave May under 280, which I was hoping for.  In face, this 282 I'm stuck at isn't too much of a prize, since this is around where I've been hovering the past year (between 284 and 289).  It's really frustrating.  To be on spot a way higher percentage than I'm not and to just stay the same is always frustrating.

But I guess I'm maintaining, is the way to look at it.  Maybe I was maintaining a slightly higher weight before.  At this size, five pounds can still make a wee difference.

It's a lot of work to just maintain. Sad face.

I don't know what gets me.  The next couple weeks will be telling, if I can stay on track.  Last weekend I had too much beer, and too many "off menu" items, I would say.  I need to see what a weekend without that brings me.  I guess I'm glad to say that I'm back to where I was before last weekend (which was a 4-day weekend for me).  But I'm not really glad.  I'd like to have been down, obviously.

So. I'll take it as a reminder to me to stay on track this weekend.  Tomorrow we have plans, so I know I'll go over calories, have a couple drinks.  I just need to remind myself not to go too far away from what is working from me, and to know that going too far off also tends to lead to having to reset my taste buds again, which isn't fun.

-------

Besides my weigh-in, I'm exhausted today.  The work week has gone OK, but I'm ready to be done with this work week and turn my brain off of it for a bit.

Weigh In: 282 (No Change)

Today's weigh in wasn't a big surprise.  I knew that along with it being Hump Day, it was also right around the time I expected my Monthly Friend.  And WAZAAAAM!  there it is.  I'm trying to take things in stride and not freak out about no loss this week.  Keep on, keeping on.

I've been doing pretty good with everything, staying on plan.  Some days it's harder than others.  Some days I'm really not hungry at all, and others (like yesterday), I was famished.  But it's nothing like the ongoing crazy grazing, endless pot when I'm eating carbs and sweets.  Nothing like that.

As much as I really don't like low-carb, and would love to stick to just eat what I want under a certain amount of calories - I think it's what my body needs.  Maybe in a maintenance phase (like that will ever happen, my who life is attaining, not maintaining, lol), but I think I have to be a 90% low-carb/higher-fat kind of person.

I do allow myself Atkins shakes.  I do allow myself some beer here and there.  But I've been pretty good at not having sweets, even chocolate.  I won't say it's easy.

The past couple weeks at work have been horrific.  Monday I came home determined to finish off the couple of wine bottles I had left - totally didn't care.  It was horrible.  You know when you get super angry at someone and you're shaking afterwards?  That's how I feel sometimes when I get done with work.  I want to run out of there so fast.

I'm getting better at leaving work at work, though.

I'm still trying to figure out what exactly I'm "learning" through this whole experience with this job.

Basically I feel like I've learned how to hold on to small things and limp through life.  Not so great.  But I also know if I ever said, ENOUGH and quit, I'd have my husband's understanding and support.  So, we'll see.  I don't plan on quitting, but I'm holding on for my new manager to be hired, and hoping that this could still turn out to be a Dream Job for me.

You never know.

In other news - I did my first 5K!  It was fun.  I walked it.  But I DID it.  Something different.  I can't say I'm addicted or anything, or that this is the start of me doing more and more.  They're expensive and I still can't entirely get over paying to walk a course.  But it was something I wanted to do, and never seemed to be able to get myself to just DO.

I haven't been walking or doing much of any exercise, though I've been quite active.  My fitbit charger is lost somewhere in the house, so I've been without that all week, which sucks a bit.

Well, off to work.  Happy Hump Day!

Weigh In: 282

I'm going to put this weight down (which would mean a 1# loss), but I am suspicious.

See, I was actually UP in weight at the beginning of the week.  I had been naughty.  I just was.  Between going a little off track, and stress, I just figured I had to face facts.

I stepped on the scale Tuesday and it said, "Lo."

Batteries.  I need batteries.

But there was no time to mess with them.  I tried stepping on it 3 times, and it still balked at me, Lo.  Wednesday morning I tried again, hoping someone else took care of the scale's battery issue, but still, Lo.  I had an early morning appointment to get to, so I left it alone.  I also knew I was going out with the girls that night, and really didn't want to weigh in after that.  But whatever - such is life.

So today I tried to find batteries and we're completely out.  But I tried again.  And it did it's little search-y thing where the zeros dance in a circle for a bit before it displays 0.o.  OK?  I stepped on.  Maybe someone DID take care of the battery thing - finally.

282.(something)

Not really believing it, I stepped off and touched it with my toe again.  Lo.  I tried a couple more times (I like to weigh myself more than once in case it's a fluke).  Lo.  So, I'm just going to take it.  To trust.  To not get too wound up about the number, and just hope it sticks.

I'm battling a cold.  Never fun.  I'm sure the stress of my job situation doesn't help.  It's absolutely beautiful out today, though.  If things weren't turned upside down at work I might consider staying home, actually.  I hardly ever take a sick day.  I told myself I'd go in today and if I felt lousy, or if it became too nuts - I'd come home.  I have to remember my whole, "Take Care of Myself" mantra.  It's real.  And I feel cruddy, lol.

Weigh In: 283 (Down 1 More)

It's only a pound, but that's OK.

I'd like to say that I'd be out of the 80's by the end of May, but it is doubtful.  It would be WONDERFUL - but, given that things are a bit up-ended, I should (technically) be satisfied if I can hang on to 283 and not balloon up to 383.

Another unfortunate turn of events - my bossy-boss/manager took all of his stuff (including the mini-fridge, microwave, coffee maker).  This is not a good thing.  All of those items were "community items" shared by our small department - and used nearly daily by ME.  But they were also in his space.  I have very little space to put such items, but I'm going to.  I NEED to, if I'm going to keep on track with how I've been going.  There are other microwaves in our building, but sometimes the harder it is to manage something, the less likely it is that it will happen.

I need to plan for me, take care of me, and not be worried or ashamed of doing it.

Stress Is Not Good For The Eats

I haven't done THAT bad, really.

But, there is room for improvement.

My immediate manager was fired.  Sometimes that can be a good thing.  I won't know if it is good or bad, until I can look back on things, but it definitely creates a ripple in life.  We work very closely together to oversee a department, and though I'm not his "equal" I've always been treated as one; we were a team.

So, it's a bit scary.  The Unknown.  The Transition.  The Temporary Manager.  My interim manager is someone who transferred out of our department.  Many strengths,  and a disaster left behind.

Needless to say, it's been an interesting week.  I don't think I did stellar in the staying-on-track (with eating) department - BUT - I did stellar in the don't-quit-your-job department.  I'm hanging in there.  I'm trying to dig out whatever positives I can find (even if they aren't immediate).

I drank more beer than is permissible on a low carb diet (just one day, though), and I might pay for it on the scale tomorrow. However!  I had a highly active weekend, and a very enjoyable Mother's Day.

And I'm back at it (or was back at it) Monday.  A bit painful, but I managed to stay the course.  That's what it's all about, staying the course.

Stress can throw you off, though.  I'm definitely more tired.  I feel completely draggy, which I didn't feel last week.  I'd like that energy back, thankyouverymuch.

Weigh In: 284 (Down 3 pounds)

Yay!

Guarded excitement. SUPER happy to see vindication on the scale, but nervous.  The next few weeks should be telling.  I have fluctuated here, too (down to 284), while not really watching what I'm eating.  But it's definitely my carrot on a stick.  I needed to see some scale movement.  I really do feel it a bit in my clothes, but a lot of that is probably bloat.

I think my first BIG milestone (though it's not huge), will be to dip below 280.  I'd love to see that happen by the end of May.  I'm not holding my breath, as this went rather slow.  But we shall see.

I'm still eating lower carb/higher fat.

Less than 100g carbs (around 60ish with fiber removed)
Less than 150g fat
About 100g protein
Around 2000 calories

That's about where I fall in, give or take a little.  I still had 3 Guinness this weekend, ate a few bites of pizza.  Maybe that's what slows me down a bit, I don't know.  I want something sustainable, not short term.

At any rate, that's the scoop - now I'm off to work.

Happy Wednesday.

Post Weigh In Droppage

Out of a whim, I got on the scale this morning:  285

Interesting.  I'd love to change my official weigh-in to that number, but I'm going to wait and hope and pray it sticks (or drops even more) by next Wednesday.  Motivation.

It was an exciting number to see, but I'll be nervous a bit until it's official.

Strangely, my husband asked me if I'd lost weight.  It makes no sense because weight loss doesn't show up on a fat person that quickly.  I think he might have been trying to make me feel good.  I don't really care either way - I know my pants feel a little better.  Maybe it's wheat bloat.  What will be good is if I can keep that number or drop by next week because, right now, I don't feel like how I've been eating is unmanageable in the long run.  My bigger fear is that it's not enough and I'd have to drop even more, which I'm not sure would be manageable.

So I'm going to work on continuing a similar course of action and see what the next week brings me.  I've also been going through my food journals from a few years back to see what my patterns were.

Weigh In: 287 (Week 4 and n/c)

I don't know if I should laugh or cry?!

Week 4, same weight, no change.  I've DEFINITELY taken in less calories, people.  I've definitely changed my carb/fat ratio.  I could have done NOTHING and been where I am.

The upside is that I have felt better.  That's for sure.  Except for the past three days.  I really haven't done anything different, but I noticed that my energy was down, and my mood was kind of sucky.  I don't know if it is hormones - I'm on the other side of my period - or just  coincidence.

Who knows.  Hard to say.  I don't really know what exactly to change, or how to get my body to release some of this weight, though.  It's very frustrating.  But, I'm still not giving up.

One thing I definitely feel is hungry.  I don't want to eat, but my body is constantly telling me to.  I can finish eating a salad and it will growl, and I feel like I need something.  So maybe there is something I'm just not doing right (not enough fat, or not hitting the right nutrition combo).  Either way, it might be out of my reach right now.  I've just got too much to do, and not enough time to sit and micro-analyze my nutrients.

Last time I lost significant amount of weight I had to put enormous amounts of time into myself - something I just flat out don't have.

Weigh In: 287 (Week 3 and n/c)

It always frustrates me when someone is waiting for me when I come into work.  I usually try to get to work a half hour early just to get settled, get my tea -- just get ready for the day.  And sometimes there's a person just standing there.   Waiting.

What I want to do is point to the sign indicating the office's hours, walk past, and shut the door.  I'm not getting paid during that time.  That's MY time.  I need it.  I come early to have it.  The worst is my boss shares an office with me, and sometimes I get things thrown at me the second I walk in the door.  "When I get settled." I try to say - hint, hint.  It works some of the time.

I just know I need that time.  I know it about myself.  But I can't make the world understand this.  Anyway.  This was on my mind this morning.

MY WEIGH IN SUCKS!!!!!

Son of a biscuit, I can't believe it.  Literally on week 3 of tracking my food and that scale isn't budging at all.  It's really hard not to just give in and be this:

I knew it was coming because I weigh myself almost daily.  It's seriously nuts.  I KNOW I've been eating less than normal.  I know it.  I've been consciously moving more and eating less, and it's been going on three weeks and nothing has changed.  I just need to document that.  'Cause I actually go back and read this stuff sometimes.

I have no idea why the scale hasn't changed.

My eating has been lower carb.  This past week it's been under 100 carbs.  I literally can't drop my calories any more than I have.  To maintain my weight it tells me I need to eat under 2700 calories (I'm a big girl).  I don't think I've eaten 2700 calories in 3 weeks (maybe one day I did?).  I surely haven't this pas week, and I've been moving a lot more.

And nada.

Not to mention I'm starving.  That's frustrating, but I'm literally starving many of the days.

Here's the interesting part - I feel better.  Maybe it's cutting out the sugars, breads, wheats?  Maybe it's other things?  But I feel better, my attitude has been better.  I have no idea what it is, but I like that.

But, I really need to lose weight.  I really need to have my clothes feel better.  I've been focusing so much on this tracking/eating thing, it's SO frustrating to have the needle stay the same.  I could be not focusing on it, eating what I want, and have the needle stay the same.  I mean, that's what I've been doing for the last how long?!

I'm not giving up, but I can't lie and say that it's not disheartening.  How can I plateau right now?