Resistant To Change (277)

My insatiable appetite today had me running for a calendar to see if I was pre-menstrual. It was that bad. I'm not, though. I'm just coming off another weekend out of town.

This past weekend I can't say I did very well, but I can't say I did horribly. Saturday night dinner out I split a meal, had a moderate amount of appetizer - AND I went for a long walk (hauling butt) Sunday morning that brought me to sweat in 50-degree weather. And I had Chinese for Mother's Day. I indulged, but not to the extent that I would have if I weren't paying more attention.

Today I scrubbed floors, went for 3 walks and kept under my calories (OK, over by 6) to make up for it.

All of these things I could live with. Since I'm on the path to better lifelong choice-making, I guess I feel OK with it.

Today I weighed in at 277. My strange mental problem won't let me make it official. I thought on this off and on through the day, wondering what my malfunction is.

Fear, probably. I've lived a very fat lady for years. 300 pounds is heavy. Heavier than most. As much as an obstacle as it has been, frustrating, embarrassing (at times) - it's me. It's what I've been comfortable with. I've grown accustomed to accommodating my girth. Not having to work around that obstacle on a continuous thought wheel means making new accommodations in other places of my life -- opening doors that have always been closed off to me.

I think there's a part of me that is scared. Like, really scared.

Sixty pounds ago I would have not done everything I do now. Thirty pounds ago I don't know if I would have even made it out to dinner with friends the other night (I arrived late, and have been groomed to be fearful of fitting my big body into too-small places - arriving late could have presented a very embarrassing scenario). I would have made an excuse as to why I couldn't make dinner with the group, and spent it solo.

Not this time. I arrived late, feeling more confident than I've felt in a long time.

It's all good. Changes in the right direction. But it is still change, something I'm not always entirely comfortable with. If I have the strength to get down into the 250 zone I will literally poo in my pants. I'm 20 pounds away from 257, and 20 pounds away from 297.

Which will win out?


Nona said...

Change is very scary!!! Even when it is for the better it required so much readjustment. Like you I have avoided people at various times, my avoidance was because I was ashamed of how I looked. Being overweight just robs us of so very much. I'm glad you went out with your friends and had a great time. I'm putting my money on 250 and wishing you many more good times. :)

Bonita Gordita said...

Thank you, Nona girl. I appreciate the vote of confidence. Everything in my being is telling me to go back to where I was. But I gotta tell me to shut up. :p