Staying The Same

New Year.

I don't see last year as a failure.  Though it's frustrating to start 2016 in relatively the same weight class as I did 2015, and 2014, I can be somewhat satisfied that I didn't start it at 338.  I've been there.  It's not pretty.

But I want to go back to 2013, where things were better.

The last 3 years has been a whirlwind.  Mostly for ME specifically.  I've had THREE jobs in THREE years.  When I was able to get some consistency of time for myself and get my weight down, I was working part-time, in a job I'd had for years.  It was great (for that piece).  It wasn't so great for our checkbook, but it was great for me.

When that job folded, I had to get out and find another one, and worked on breaking into a company that I'd tried to for years.  I tried twice for my preferred position in the company, but didn't get the job either time.  I landed one job (different position), worked there (super stressful).  Quit that after a year.  I found another (very dysfunctional, toxic environment); quite that.  Now  I am finally at the place and position I wanted to be in this company.  It's still more hours and more stress than I really want in a job.  But there's nothing else I'd want to do in this company.

So here I am, trying to get a grip on my own life.  My kids are almost all grown, and part of me is frustrated that the last three years have been so much stress, and less focus on them.  I've done my best.  I didn't want it to have to be way after my kids were out of school for me to get to a better place, but I really can't control that.

I've done my best with what I have.

Here I am, now, again.  I've been so frustrated with my clothes and how they fit, how I look.  I really would like to be at a place where I can get even 20 pounds off.  It made a difference in that.  Right now getting dressed for work is depressing.  Getting dressed for anything is.  I hate my belly sticking out.  I know it's better when I weigh less.  I just have so little time (and energy) to focus on making my eating a priority.

I've done good the last 3 days (I hit 289, but am back now to 285), but it's a daily struggle.  Minute by minute.

One thing I know for a fact is that I continue to be (unexplainably) exhausted.  I do plan on seeing my doctor about it, I do.  But a few years ago I did the same thing (did a sleep study, endocrinologist, etc.) and came up with basically nothing.  I'm fat.  End of story.  Life's problems solved if fat is gone.


I know, though, that I can't do much to change this.  And I can't really say that I'll ever be below 200 pounds, I just don't know.  Not with the lack of energy that I have, I don't think.  But I'm working on being at least back to 260.  And then we'll go from there.