11-Day Challenge Done

I'm done. I completed it. 11 days, tracking and staying within my calories. I'm glad it was 11 and not 14, because I'd honestly have to wave the white flag of surrender.

Doing this helped me realize where some of my pitfalls are.

Some of it is just simply time. I know I posted the other day about managing and prioritizing my health, and forcing myself to take the time. I never said it was easy!

It took time for me to plan my meals out, run them through the recipe calculator, make sure I had foods stocked. I almost wish I could quit my job and simply focus on me, me and ME! Work out, knit, cook, plan, clean, tidy up my life. Oh what an indulgence that would be.

Tonight I ended up eating a Lean Cuisine for dinner, even though I had one for lunch. I just couldn't take trying to put together another meal. Too fatigued. My husband is not feeling well, so it might be that I'm fighting something off. I also think that by about yesterday, my body started to go into a bit of a frantic calorie search. Kind of like when you do the low-carb thing, and your body can deal with it, detoxing and lowering your carbs - then all of a sudden it goes into shock mode and is like, OK for real now  WHERE ARE MY CARBS?! My body was asking where all the calories were.

I could feel it.

It got my attention last night. It didn't get the best of me, but it made me sit up and notice. It scared me a bit, too. I was watching the 20/20 special on about people who had lost a significant amount of weight, and one thing they touched on was the body's --the fat cell's-- lifelong desire to retain it's former shape. That losing isn't the entire battle. Maintenance is even harder because, at some point, your body starts wondering when the experiment is over, and when things will return to normal again.

Scary. Makes sense, though, as I can't imagine how I could survive on 1200 calories a day. Right now I'm at 1700 and there are days that I feel they are more than plenty - but more often there are days where I feel like I am going through torture.

Being active helps, because you can eat more, as long as you're burning it off. I'm not saying I'm stopping. I'm just saying it is definitely a life-long issue.

Day 10 Of 11 Day Challenge... Still On Task

Two more days of this 11 Day Challenge. I (almost) made it. One more day. After today. Ha. I have a day off today, so I have a little more time to reflect on this challenge and might not tomorrow.

Here's what I said:
I came in January 2013 at 272 and I will be frustrated with myself if I leave at that weight, or can't get below 270. I probably shouldn't hold myself to such a hard degree, but I need to see some progress in myself or I am concerned frustration will set in.
I've done pretty good. I've stayed tight to my calorie limits, I've lost weight, and completely cleared 270. I feel good about things. I'd call that a success. I'm leaving January and I'm leaving the 270s. Hoo-rah, hoo-rah. It really does feel good to be looking at a goal beyond breaking 270 now.

It hasn't been easy this week, especially yesterday. After I weighed in Monday, I realized I was getting my monthly frienemy (aka "period"). It was early. I wasn't expecting it.

Tuesday I was ready to pour chocolate on my car tires and eat them. I get that desperate. I plugged in my calories for the day heading into dinner and realized my dinner was going to cost me. I needed to recaculate things to allow for more food and less calories. So, instead of the mexican gumbo bowls (pork, rice, chips, cheese - yummy), I had to settle for something vegetable-laden and bulky. Something to fill me up more for less.

I made a broccoli salad. It is 150 calories per serving and I ate two servings, topped with 2 servings of fake crab meat (140 calories). So my dinner capped out at 440 calories (verses about 600 with what I originally planned). It was filling and it satisfied me. It wasn't warm comfort food, but it was crunchy and savory and sweet and it worked.

It was only after I ate it that I realized I had calculated my snack wrong and had an extra 100 calories to spare. But you know what? I wasn't troubled or upset. I was proud of myself for not choosing to make an excuse (my monthly frienemy - which is a good one) to blow things. I was talking myself into it, and was close to blowing it on food, wine, and something sweet.

I didn't. I don't know why or how, but praise God, I did it. And I found a new mixture (crab and broccoli salad) that works for me. 


Another thing I learned over doing this challenge is that taking care of myself requires me to be somewhat selfish. It requires me to put a bit of a spotlight on mySELF. Sometimes that is uncomfortable. 

But I want to note this for myself: I can't spend all my time on everyone else. Everyone has their thing, and if you want it, you have to prioritize it. Once I get done with MYSELF, then I can focus on other things. I volunteer my time a lot, and when I wasn't working it made sense. I wasn't working and I was horribly fat. Now, I'm working and I'm trying to manage a home, and I'm trying to get to a healthier place for myself. It is OK for me to do that.

Another note: There is always time. Priorities. Everything anyone says about better health and weight loss/maintenance is true. You have to commit to it. You have to live it. You have to make it a priority. I've managed to find time to plan meals, count calories, exercise (3x per week) - only because I made it a priority. I've still paid bills, talked to people, attended my kid's events - but I've spent less time wasting on the internet, on sleeping, on eating. I can't say that every day allows for the time, but disciplining myself to get off the computer, or get off my duff, or get up a bit earlier... that's what gets me there.

I don't know what I will do after tomorrow. On comes a new month. I might allow myself a "day off" this weekend for the Super Bowl. I don't know. Today I feel good. I got up and worked out, ate a yummy breakfast... have a list of things to do, and will happily check some off. 

I will go into February at 268. I am one pound away from being half-way to my goal. I am one pound away from losing 70 pounds. Wowzy. I'd like to leave February below 264, because I aim to leave March below 260. That gives me 8 weeks to lose 8 pounds. Maybe that is my next challenge! 

Weigh In - 268

Weigh in today: 268

Down 1 pound.

You really don't want to know how many times I re-weighed myself today. Mainly because I wanted to challenge the scale. One pound? I stay on track all week and lose one stinking pound?

How is it I was eating like crap (OK not crap, but I was eating more) before and lost more?

UGH. Well, OK that's actually not true. So far I've lost 6 pounds this month. That's not too shabby. December I lost 2, and it was a month of NOT staying on track so well.

I don't know which is better, really, but I do think it is good to have a nice, disciplined streak now and again. I'm not feeling like giving up at all, or cheating.

Besides the scale, yesterday I was at one of my kids' sporting events, and I was moving around the gym, taking pictures and cheering them on - when I realized - I felt smaller.

I felt it.
In the way I sat Indian-style. I was considerably more comfortable yesterday than I was a month ago. My legs tucked nicely. I rolled that over my brain for a bit, contemplating it.

After a while I stretched my legs out in front of my and braced myself on my arms behind me.

Another lightbulb went off. I was comfortable. It wasn't strained at all, but a very comfortable position to relax into.

This was quite interesting.


Reminding myself that the scale isn't the only indicator of a changed body. Even though I feel like I should have lost a gazillion pounds for being good and staying on track, I look at yesterday's NSV, and am thankful that there are other ways of achieving noticeable changes in my body.

At 268, I'm only a couple pounds away from my lowest low, and four pounds away from my next goal.

I am confident I will break that weight barrier. It looks like it might take about a month.

I feel close to breaking another clothing barrier. My clothes all feel pretty good on me, and are starting to feel loose again - Like before they were tight, not they're comfortable, and they are getting comfortable loose, some of my pants. That is excitiing!

 Although, I have to be honest. I took some updated progress pictures today, and besides being horrible - they really didn't look all that different. If I were to cite a difference I would say the woman in the 2nd set (the ones from today) is much, much older, and has lost some of her tan.


Left is at 285. My fat rounds me out a bit more. I feel saggier without it. Right is at 268. Same pants. I am a bit encouraged that my stomach doesn't seem to hang anymore than it did before. The second one makes me look taller, too. But I haven't grown, hee.

Baked Grapefruit And A 5k

OK, OK it is a virtual 5k. But it is a start. It is something. Katie from Runs for Cookies is hosting a virtual 5k in honor of her birthday. 5k is 3.1 miles, I guess, and I went ahead and signed up. I will be walking my 5k, and I will be doing it on three separate occasions.

Like I said, it is a start.  A nudge. A hope that the possibility is out there somewhere for me to, at some point, actually run a 5k. There are many steps I need to take along the way. This is my first one.

Happy Birthday, Katie!


I just finished mile 2 of my 3.1 mile walk. I had to use my "Walk Away the Pounds" video, though, because it is crazy cold out and I just don't feel like enduring that right now. Anyway, WAP is a no-excuses deal. Weather is no excuse.

Before starting my walk, I popped some grapefruit in the oven to try - for the first time - baked grapefruit. I really like grapefruit, regardless, but something about it intrigued me.

Basically you half a fruit, sprinkle some honey or sugar on it (1 tsp.) and pup it, flesh side up in the oven on a baking sheet for 15-20 minutes at 325. I've seen some people broil it, too, or add other things (like jelly). Spark has the recipe right here: Baked Grapefruit. Some people will remove the white stuff that separates the pieces, or dig them each out. Not me. I like to eat that anyway, so it was no bother.

Excuse the photo. One thing about this blog for me, is that it is quick. I don't spell check or proof read much, and my photos aren't always top notch. But I need to journal; it helps keep me on track and keep me sane sometimes. This picture was taken from my phone. 

The verdict? Not bad. Kind of nice to have something warm in my tummy. I like my grapefruit room-temperature to begin with, so this isn't much different. Except that it is warm and actually easier to remove the section and white part - pith, I think it's called. I eat that stuff. I don't know if I'd bake my fruit every time, but it's not bad for something different. I used honey and sprinkled some cinnamon on it, too.


As I grabbed my grapefruit, happy and satisfied with my workout, I wondered if I was bipolar. 

Not really bipolar, bipolar, but wondered why healthy habits were so hot and cold for me.

I mean, today I dropped the kids off at their activities and had two hours to burn. I'm using that two hours to:

write a quick entry
get dinner in the oven

Huh? Exercise? How does that work that I have time to do that today, but can't seem to find time 98% of the rest of the year? It baffles me how this works, and I know it is up and down because I've been both before. 

Right now, I can't see being a slothy over-eater in my future. But history would pattern me being in that rut again. Boy, if I could bottle (whatever it is) and sell it --or hoard it for those times when I don't seem to be producing it-- I would.

Maybe it is forced habit and once you get on, momentum keeps you going, and once you fall off, you need to grab that momentum again. Donno. Remind me of it, though, when I lose it and spiral again, would you?

Why Am I Losing Weight

After I weighed in (269), I walked into the kitchen and the thought that popped into my head was:

Why exactly AM I losing weight?

Kind of weird, huh?

I mean, what a dumb question from someone who weighs more than a linebacker. One would think the better question is why wouldn't I want to lose weight?

I do want to lose weight. Primarily I do want to fit into clothes better, and then my second thought that pops into my head is to be be able to be more active. I'd like to run. I'd like to be able to play soccer or baseball, or another fun sport - things I could not do in the past.

#1 Fit better into clothes.
#2 Play fun sports.

Two decent reasons. I guess I could live without both of those, but not to the fullness that I feel I desire.

There's other reasons, but those two popped immediately into my head.

I can do #1 already now. Twenty-five pounds ago, I couldn't. My clothes felt tight and restrictive. I couldn't buy a 2x and fit right into it. I had to go to 3x. I'd like to ditch the X all together. At that point, I think I'd be satisfied.

#2 I can not do. I bowl, play volleyball. Maybe run in a race with my kids. But I can't join a team and have fun, or run a race. I realize I will be 40 this year, and it's not the best time to start playing a sport. Clearly. But it's easier than trying at 50... or 60. If I think on it too long I get very sad about it, about all the time in my life I could have been running, playing, enjoying that freedom - and I haven't been able to.

Right now I could probably work towards running a race, but my belly flaps too much. I'll just be honest. My fitness levels would allow me to start breaking into some of these things, but my belly won't. And that's not going to change. I really need to figure something out with that, because I don't want to start living if/when I can ever get rid of my flapping belly.

Confession: I think my relationships suffer because of the oppression I feel within myself. I could be wrong, and maybe I'm just an unhappy ogre, regardless of being a fatty. But, I wonder - and hope - that as my body changes, my emotions might, too. I don't know, though.

Weigh In & Why Some People Lose Weight Easy

I weighed in today.

I didn't wanna do it. I didn't want to be discouraged. But, it is one of the main ways I track my progress and give myself a reality check. Not fool proof, I know. 

Today was a good weigh in.


I did it! I dropped below 270. My post and typing would make you think I was excited and happy about it (and I'm happy), but I'm also a bit dread-filled. After I stepped on the scale and weighed myself, I redid it. I have a hard time believing the scale. My second weigh in concurred with my first, and I let it alone. 

I will try to be encouraged by this (I imagine the opposite had it said 272 instead), and not immediately dive into the fear of success that I grapple with.


Last night as I finished off my soup, wine, and cornbread, I had one of those ding-dong lightbulb moments that happen on occasion. I was diligently tracking my calories. I stayed under. I did well. I felt good about it. I surfed some weight loss/healthy-me blogs and (for some reason) started to get a bit angry. Jealousy, really, I guess.

I was jealous on two fronts: one of the weight loss (and the ease that some of them had with it), two of the ability to just off and get surgery on saggy skin.

The first issue: EASY WEIGHT LOSS
I shouldn't say "easy" because it really isn't. However, there is a difference between changing a pattern of addiction, and simply changing a pattern. Some of the blogs I went to were from people that clearly didn't make good nutritional choices. They simply didn't eat well. Once given the tools (calorie counter, Weight Watcher) or game plan - they were set. The weight melted off. Their only issue was disgust at their prior selves. 

My issues, and many of the others that seem to fumble success, losing it through their fingers, going on hiatus, or hesitantly coming back to say they had regained, are deeper. I can follow the program and count my calories, but there is a bigger battle being waged inside of me. 

It's the difference of breaking up with someone you hardly know, and someone who you've built your life around. Easy weight loss is losing weight when you don't have "issues" with food that go beyond eating the wrong ones. 

The second issue: SAGGY SKIN SURGERY
(No, I haven't called my insurance company yet. I will.)
This is the second part that truly is an obstacle for me. Whenever I go to a blog where someone has lost major weight (over 100 pounds), I look to see if they had THE SURGERY. Many of them have. I do think that the surgery helps a person from regaining. People that have excess skin to tote around tend to be frustrated with it. Though they enjoy their new body, the skin is almost like a cancer reminding them of their prior shame. I see myself in that second category. I see me being happier filling out the skin than having it hang there. I fear that.

Neither one of these are excuses, though. That's the bottom line. Some things are easier or more attainable, life isn't fair. The beauty of it is I can do the work, no matter how hard it is, and overcome obstacles (like saggy skin) if I want to. For me, though, it is a heck of a fight. A life-long battle of the mind. 


Anyway, Day 3 of my 11 Day Challenge. 
Next goal: 264 (decisively below my lowest weight [266] in the last decade)

11 Day Challenge - Day 2 (Rationalizing Normality)

Hi. It's only Day 2. I'm feeling like cracking.

OK, not entirely. I'm actually doing alright. Though it is amazing how much I focus on food. How much life focuses on food. I guess that is not horrible. It is more my overuse/abuse, lack of willpower that is the problem.

People with a healthy relation with food can enjoy the heck out of it, too.


Ugh. I don't know, but last night I was sitting in bed, doing my regular routine of watching television, messaging my son, talking to my daughter, making lists... and I couldn't get my mind of food. It didn't help that I was watching Food TV, but really. I mean, I was like, tasting it. Smelling it. I could literally smell a pizza. I wanted it SO BADLY.

I watched them make burritos, chicken, sauces. I didn't want to turn it off, but I almost wanted to lick the screen. The back of my throat was confused, wondering what it was smelling, tasting - that wasn't there.


I started to hallucinate curry. Indian food. Buffet. The rice, the chicken, the dessert.

11 Days.

Delaying my gratification.

Maybe it will get easier. Maybe it will get harder.

Today I had my breakfast and instead of my egg and toast, I mixed it up a bit with an English muffin and peanut butter. Tasty.

Lunch again was the Chicken Makhani (Lean Cuisine) sprinkled with red pepper.

It was yummy. I hate purchasing the Lean Cuisines, but I really am in survival mode sometimes, and though I know they are more expensive, my downfalls are having to think to much, and convenience. Grabbing a LC on the way out the door works for me when I'm feeling overwhelmed (which is most of the time).

I came home and had my greek yogurt with some granola, made dinner, and felt hungry.

I did my Walk Away the Pounds 1-mile workout. Not a big deal, nothing strenuous, but something that was better than nothing. I could totally do that 3x per week and not blink an eye. I used 3-pound weights to work my arms a bit more.

I wanted to tack on some extra calories to my 1700-something allotment, since I did the workout. But I'm not supposed to.

I had a glass of wine with some fruit in it, overly-excited about dinner.

I'm so hungry.

I have 200 calories left and I'm going to spend some of them on some more wine.

One thing I've noticed that I do when trying to eat more sensibly is that I get to bed earlier. I think that, when I'm on a bender, I stay up late and eat or sip wine, consuming an overload of calories before bed.

Bad habits are hard to break.

I don't know if I will make it another half hour to wait before everyone gets home. I want to eat, brush my teeth, and go lounge in my bed. I'm less likely to over eat that way. My husband would like to go out for a while tonight, but I just simply can not.

I hope my 11 Day Challenge pays off. I can truly feel my sacrifices right now, and it isn't feeling so great at the moment.

Not Weighing In Today - 11 Day Challenge

I'm being a rebel and not weighing in today. I'll do that Wednesday.

Not for any real reason, although I should be (and usually am) consistant. But, the kids are home and I just didn't do it. I weigh myself in the morning, before I eat, and it's harder to do that with everyone home.

I don't expect anything good, either, coming from the scale. In fact, if I don't gain, I'll be lucky. I had a good week, but the weekend... not so much.

Long haul, long haul.

No big goals or expectations for this week, besides staying on track. We went to dinner last night and I had a semi-splurge day. I don't feel like I really went buck wild, but from about 6pm Saturday through Sunday evening,  I wasn't such a good girl.


I'd like to buy a new scale. Right now I'm kind of married to my Wii for weighing myself and I don't really like it. It's kind of a pain to have to hook it up every time I want to use it, and I also don't trust it completely.

That said, I like how it is interactive with me, to some degree (besides asking me reasons for my weight gain). It keeps track of things for me, and I don't have to think about it. We'll see. I just made a different purchase, and we have a vehicle that needs fixing - so it might have to wait.


I came in January 2013 at 272 and I will be frustrated with myself if I leave at that weight, or can't get below 270. I probably shouldn't hold myself to such a hard degree, but I need to see some progress in myself or I am concerned frustration will set in.

All that means is that I need to step things up. I've had my "free" or "splurge" days, and I think I might have to tell myself that I can not have any more of those for the rest of the month. That's only 11 days. You'd think I should be able to handle 11 days of that. One would think.

So I start my 11 DAY CHALLENGE. That might be something I need to do more of - challenge myself. In bursts. I don't have any big events coming up, and I've used up my passes for the month of January I would think. I don't know. Can I make it through the next 11 days without a splurge/off day?

Maybe that should be my only goal - to get through 11 days with no "free/splurge/off" days.

It doesn't seem that long, but then it seems like it is.

Basically that would mean I can eat anything I want - as long as I stay within my calorie range, and I journal every day.

It scares me to put that kind of pressure on myself, strangely. Hmm. But like I said, I should be able to handle it. I've done it before without thinking about it.

As I look at my calendar and count my days, my eyes wandered up to the to top of my calendar, with the photograph, and the words, "Peace! Be strong now; be strong."

Daniel 10:19 
And said, O man greatly beloved, fear not: peace be unto thee, be strong, yea, be strong. And when he had spoken unto me, I was strengthened, and said, Let my lord speak; for thou hast strengthened me.

I can do this.

Doing Too Much For My Kids

I know I mentioned before how I was a creature of habit with my morning egg and toast. Well, my lunches (at work) can be on the mundane, habitual side as well. Quite often I eat the Lean Cuisine meat lasagna. It fills me up, tastes decent, and is relatively inexpensive. I keep a few in my freezer so I always have something to grab.

I also keep a 4-pack box of Starkist tuna pouches in my drawer at work for back-up, or to add to a carby meal. Sometimes when I'm flat out desperate, I just go ahead and eat that tuna pouch as-is.

Other times I bring my own lunch, packed from leftovers. I have these glass, 2-cup containers with lids that work out nicely. 

Today, though, I had a new Lean Cuisine - Chicken Makhani. I've had other Indian dishes by LC and have been OK with them - except one of them was not made with real chicken and it gave me a bit of a bloaty, "off" feeling that I didn't like. The flavor was fine, but the after-bloat, not so much.

This one was pretty good. It had about 3 strips of chicken in it, with a side of rice and some sauce. I also doused it with some red pepper flakes to kick up the heat - and that really did the trick for me. I'll definitely get it again.


Day 3 of the EA Sports Active, and I have to say I wasn't all that impressed today. Maybe it was a "slower" workout day, or something - I really don't know. All I know is I was hardly sweating when I was done. Granted, I'm on the "easy" setting (I thought I should for the first few), but still, I felt a wanting when I was done and ended up going for a quick walk after. 

I guess I should focus on the fact that I was doing something and eating better. That's a win-win.


My attitude has been kind of sucky lately. I can't pinpoint why, though. Stress, probably, since that's the root of most of my bad attitude days. When I can't stuff it down with food or alcohol (or chocolate), I get kinda cranky. I have a feeling if I were thinner and had the means, I might resort to running. Had I a treadmill, I'd be on it right now. I can't go walk our neighborhood for free, though.

I have desires to go for long runs at night, hours-long bike rides, long ventures that don't end quickly. I'm just not there right now. I don't know if I will ever be. 

Sometimes, I think I should get a gym membership and throw myself into working out. Days like today I feel like I put way too much time into my kids and too little time into myself. I don't feel valued or special, I don't feel like my kids are appreciative that I support them. It's normal for them, and they take it for granted. Maybe if I had more to myself, I wouldn't feel resentful and they wouldn't feel so commonplace about everything I do for them.

A couple examples:
Yesterday I was volunteering for one of their activities. They showed irritation that I wouldn't be able to (do something/give more) because I was already tied up in my volunteer commitment. "Wait a second, I'm doing this for YOUR team, for YOUR activity - not me... how are you going to demand more of me than that," I asked.

Today we were watching something on TV as a family - something that interests the kids. Because they spend so much time with this interest, I've learned more about it and have opinions on it, too. So I gave mine and got ridiculed for it. I love my kids, they are GREAT. So I'm not really saying they are being brats. They are, sort of, but they also aren't. I'm pointing a finger at myself, here, too. Maybe I need to step back a bit and give some time to myself. I just don't know.I know my feelings are hurt. I escaped off to my computer (again), hurt. I don't know what that means. I don't know a lot of things. I'm trying to figure that out.

Why I Hate The Wii AND The Scale... And Poop

I weighed myself again today. Normally that is reserved for Mondays (my "official" day), but as I said before, sometimes I like to weigh in on an off day.


Now, normally I'd get all upset about this, and feel frustrated. But, I KNOW I've had a (darn) good week this week. I've worked out twice, stayed within my calories every day. All. Is. Good.

This is where the scale tells you lies, lies, and more lies.

This is where I also roll my eyes at my weird body. I eat less, I lose, I eat less and exercise, I gain. I don't get it. But it's NORMAL for the freak that is me.

I hate the Wii because is makes that "Oooh" sound when you step on the scale, and I hate that if you have a weight gain "1.8" according to the Wii, it asks you, What do you think the reason for your weight gain is?

Unfortunately, there is not the option of, I haven't taken a decent poop yet this week, or I'd be selecting that one quite often.

Yeah, I went there. It's the truth.

I'm not entirely blaming the difference today on that, I don't really know or care what the problem is with my "gain" today. Like I said, I've been eating well and exercising, so the scale can bite my fat behind. I'm not going to let myself get suckered into feeling down about this one today.


Yesterday I had a NSV (Non-Scale Victory). I think my SparkPeople skimmed my calorie intake by 100 or something, because it was 18(something) and is now 17(something). It took me by surprise when I went to enter dinner, and ended up short.

My finagling mind started to tell me all ways I could cheat, go over a bit - and all the reasons why that would be perfectly OK to do, how I deserved it, and how it really wouldn't be a big deal at all, and just DO IT ALREAD, GO OVER!

I really felt like blowing it, in a small way, but still blowing it. I had some pork, tortellini, pudding and wine. I shaved my pork down to 2 oz., and then down to 1oz., then my wine I cut in half. I added a half serving of pudding, which put me over (but not over the old 1800-something mark), and stopped there.

I kept in mind that I have a girls night tomorrow, and will probably have a couple glasses of wine and some foods that I can't count to the exact amount. I reminded myself that this too shall pass and it was just food. What I had was yummy, I enjoyed it, and I didn't need anymore.

I made it through, brushed my teeth, was perfectly satiated.


Today is a workout day. I have a small window of time where I can actually do it, and I'm pretty determined to get it done.

Happy Friday to you - make it a great one!

Sore And Should vs Could

Hi. I'm sore.

I hate lunges. I'm not even sure they are good for me (and my knees), but I did all of them yesterday. A few hours later I went shopping. I felt like an old lady. People may assume that my slowness to squat was due to my fatness. No. No, it wasn't. It was due to my lunges.

I did really good yesterday staying under my calories, wasn't very hungry (despite working out, which usually makes me ravenously hungry), and actually took a walk before going to bed.

It was so NOT like me. I don't expect that to be my norm, but it is nice to have a day where I feel like the food doesn't rule me. It's weird, I was full during dinner (1/2 baked potato and 3oz. of pork). If I could have days like yesterday 90% of the time, I'd be much better off.


Today, though, I strayed from the norm (1 egg, 1 toast) and made an omelet (2 eggs, cheese, 1 toast). That was a "big" breakfast for me. I'm not too adventurous when it comes to breakfast time. I need to just DO and not think. Works for me.


Last night as I lay in bed entering my workouts and dinner into my SparkPeople, I clicked around looking at charts, reports and such. 

I have to admit some frustration looking at it. I adjusted it to "start" around September 2012, rather than three years ago (or four?) when I really started at Spark. But the orange line of progress, according to the chart, had me down at 263 for where I should be right now. That's 12 pounds lower than I actually am.

So technically I'm not on track for my 198 goal in November of 2013.

I shouldn't be frustrated with that because last year this time I was 294 pounds. Twenty more pounds than I am right now. Instead of bashing myself for where I feel like I should be, I should look at where I could be. Honestly, I feel about 50/50 with the whole thing. 

It frustrates me to spend so much time losing and gaining the same 20 - 25 pounds over three years. I'd much rather have lost the total of 60 - 75 pounds than work at re-losing the same weight over and over.

Lord, please help me change this pattern and keep on the right track.

I also need to remind myself where I started from: 338

Since leaving that arena, I've yet to go back to it. I hope, at some point, I can say that about the 270's.

EA Sports Challenge Day 2

Yesterday I wrote about my first experience with EA Sports Active. Today was my second.

I don't know what I was thinking, really. After working out yesterday I showered (but didn't wash my hair), and went out for dinner with a friend. I think that was part of my motivator in working out - dinner. I enjoy socializing, but I don't enjoy the setbacks it can bring on. I have improved my eating habits. - But I haven't gone 100%

Example: Ordered turkey burger (I actually like them) and fries. Got the mayo on the side. Removed top bun, dipped fries in may and put thin layer on sandwich. No dessert. Had a beer.

Normally, I would have eating it all, nothing on the side, and had the beer... and maybe dessert.

Example: Ordered ruben sandwich, skipped the fries, gave my husband 1/4 of the sandwich, split a dessert (ate about 1/3 of it), drank coffee.

Normally, I would have ordered all, ate all.

Compromise. Heading in a better direction. I can live with those compromises. I don't feel cheated, I still feel like I splurged. I still journal everything I ate. But knowing that I went out Monday, Tuesday, and have a girl's night on Friday - I can't skip exercise. I need to be diligent every other day of the week, AND put in some exercise time. Because I fear stepping on that scale next Monday.

I could feel my workout from yesterday. It felt good. Muscles that have been asleep were alive. Achey.

I woke up, not exactly early - but I could have slept later. I sat in the recliner, stared into space, felt my body, the achey muscles. And decided I was going to do another workout, even though I HATE that freaking legstrap, and I HATE working out, and I HATE working out with the Wii.

I used the extra strip of velcro (designed to make the legstrap tighter for the little people), and rigged it to be bigger for us horse people. It worked. Never slipped off. Stayed put.

I did my Day 2 workout. I sweated, I lunged, I did every stupid exercise it told me to. On a scale of 1 - 10 I felt I did about a 7. I wasn't dying, but I wasn't drenched like the P90 knock-off we have. I felt good. Better than a walk. I like the incorporation of arms and punches, runs.

It took up time (I was hoping to be out of the house shopping right now), but as someone said, THIS IS MY JOB. My body, my health, is my job. I've never put taking care of myself first. I'm trying to at least put ME up to the front a bit more.

I need to get in one more day of exercise this week, and that shouldn't be a problem. I know I was saying that I wasn't going to exercise just yet - but I hear my body craving it. I also hear my body being more hungry when I exercise, so that kind of sucks in it's own way.

I Am Dying

So about a week ago I went and purchased EA Sports Active. The first time I went to try it I realized that our nun chuck was killed and we needed another one. No biggie, I thought I could wait. Patience.

A few days later I bought a nun chuck. Still didn't try it. Not much time at home alone lately to make a sweaty fool of myself.

Until today. My kids all went off to their sports practice, and I forced myself to open the nun chuck and get down to business.

Now, you can go to Amazon and read reviews, or use google or whatever - I'm not giving you all that. I'm just telling you that, though right now I'm in hate with this Sports Active thing, I do happen to feel like I'm dying. AKA I had a decent workout. I can't complain that it didn't work me (I'm doing the 30-day challenge), and I did the "low impact" version to start.

What I will complain about, however, is the leg strap:

See that thing that fits around her tiny upper thigh? Well try hooking that bad boy up to a tree trunk, and you have a problem. Even on a skinny thigh, I'm not sure how people keep it from slipping down while they are running?!

I put it in my pocket, and that almost resulted in murder. Me doing lunges, it not registering, and the dude telling me to step it up. I was cursing at my television. Something I don't do often. I finally managed to cut off all blood supply to my leg and strapped on above my knee, but it kept slipping off. I was sweating, smelling, glasses falling off my face, and the leg strap slipping sent me into near uncontrolled rage.

I finished, though. And I don't think I do well with these "game" workouts. This is my third one and I've wanted to kill all of them, really.

I'm going to try to see it through because I tend to make excuses when the going gets tough. Fault of mine. Besides, like I said, I did get a decent workout, anger and all, and I HAVE to break this 270 barrier. 

271 - Feeling Twitchy

Another pound gone.
Feeling twitchy.

338 was my high
198 is my major goal (getting below 200)

271 is where I am

Other goals on my docket:

getting below 270
getting below 265 (have not done this)

As I'm looking at my numbers I'm realizing that the difference between 338 and 198 is 140 pounds.

Cut that in half and you get 70.

I'm 4 pounds away from being halfway to my goal.

Something like that.

I'm hitting major strides, though I feel kind of guilty along the way.

My progress has been slow, but it continues to progress. I use my calories as a marker. However, the past week or so I've felt fatter. I've felt like I've gained weight. But the scale says differently. I'm trying to trust that, but I'm also paying attention to the fact that I don't feel smaller right now. I may be bloated, but I may be saggy. I just don't know. To me, it seems like my clothes hung more last time I was at this weight (or around this weight), but that might have been when I hit my "low" of 265. I still have 6 pounds to go to hit that. Maybe I will feel a major difference.

It isn't a scale "plateau" but rather a clothes-fitting one. Shall be interesting.

I've not done spectacular with my eating, but I continue to manage. I felt good about the couple days where I really could have went off track and didn't. One was at a friend's house, watching the football game. I could have downed a bottle of wine and 2000 calories of food just in that short time, but I had 2 glasses of wine, and maybe 800-1000 calories of food. It doesn't sound like anything great, but for me it was progress. I didn't feel deprived at all and I woke up feeling no guilt.

Today we went out to lunch, though, and I know I went over calories. But I did skip the fries, and split a dessert.


Yet, I still feel twitchy. I don't want to "compromise" too terribly much because I don't feel at all like I'm in a place where I need to slow down or anything. I worry a bit that if I get too comfortable with compromising too much, the scale will surely show it. It's like playing roulette.

Another one of my downfalls is socialization surrounding cocktails and good food, and keeping on track while doing that. I enjoy being social, but I don't enjoy having to stuff myself into my clothes.

I really want to see this scale below 270, and soon.

Last week I purchased EA Sports Active. I really need something I can do in my house, and read a lot of good reviews on it. I went with the first version rather than the second one because reviewers seemed to like it better. I haven't had a chance to try it yet, though, because my kids ruined our nun chuck  So I had to purchase a new one. I hope to get into it on Wednesday, though. Will let you know what I think.

Have a great start to your week!

Steady Goes The Girl

Still the same, 272.
It said 274 on Monday and that scared me a bit. But, I know that I often allow myself to weigh in on Monday and Wednesday. Weight can fluctuate.

Regardless of what the scale says (whoops I typed "scare" instead of "scale" at first, haha), I don't feel so great. It might be hormones since it was that TOTM last week. Or hormonal release, I don't know for sure.

I've been eating OK. After Monday's shocker, I forced myself to stay w/in my calories for the 2 days between and I did. It isn't always easy. Last night I just brushed my teeth and went to bed. No seconds, though my habits wanted me to dig in for more... for something.

I realize having chocolate around, or some sweet is a good thing for me. I like my treat. If I can have a chocolate square, I can be OK.

I started incorporating walks again. For a while I wasn't, but I need them. I am just looking at a minimum of 3x per week. I don't want to overdo it on myself, but my body craves the movement, it isn't bad for me, and I'm setting a pretty low bar.

I also reallyreally want to lose this next 10 pounds. I want to get below 270 so freaking bad. I want to hit the 259 mark incredibly bad. I haven't been there in a long, long time.

My clothes are still comfortable, but not loose. That's another non-scale goal for me. I want to need some new clothing. I'm not there yet, though.

I'm going slow and steady, but I'm still going steady. I'd love to say that through spring, through summer, and back into fall and winter again. That's something else I haven't done - stay with it for the long haul. I need to do this for myself.

I need to prove to myself that I can break my own barrier and get out of those 260s for once and for all. I might even be satisfied with that in itself, I don't really know right now.

My roadblocks are stress and fear.

Stress and needing the "easier" route. And fear of a saggy-skinned stomach, not being able to do anything about it (surgery), and having it flopping around, impeding my daily life and fitness goals.

That is one of my other challenges to myself: call my insurance, see if they cover such a thing. I know it is a weird fear to have, but if I know what I'm up against, then I can figure my way around it. I have to admit to myself that wearing a skin apron isn't necessarily going to be my future, if I continue to lose weight.

I don't want surgery. I fear surgery. But I also fear having this skin hanging to my knees. It makes me want to cry thinking about it.


There are times when I don't believe the scale. This would be one of them.

Holidays (Christmas, New Year's)... and I lost weight? Hmm, OK. Granted, I weighed myself before New Year's Day. That probably would have been a bad day to weigh in. But, I did weigh myself on Monday and it was down to 272. I weighed again to check.

Whatever. I'll be back on the scale again next Monday and who knows what it will say. I'm staying the course either way. I did over indulge on New Year's Eve. Actually I feel like I overindulged on alcohol and ate less, not the best combination. My habits have settled in a bit regarding eating, but I didn't think how that might affect anything I drank.

My plan was to get right back on track the next day, but I haven't done so well. My parents are in town and they like to take us out to eat. They did, at a buffet, and I didn't pay much attention to what went in my mouth, really.


That's one of my goals, you know. But she really was looking at me, and really noticed. I was happy for that.

My next goal will be to drip below the '70 mark. I can't wait. I mean, I can, but my eye is really having the scale say '50-something. I haven't been there in the last 10 years. I haven't been there in 2000-anything.

I really want to get there. I want to know how it feels.

I hope to get there before March. That's my next mini-goal. It seems unbelievable, but it can be done.

On a fitness note, I still haven't been doing too much, but my body is craving it. I wish I could afford a treadmill. I know I would use it. I don't have much space, though, and money... well that's a joke. All of our Christmas money will be going to our vehicle that needs $1000+ dollars worth of work. So that's just great.

But yesterday I went for my normal 20-minute walk. I did intervals of running. Not far, about from one driveway to another. Little sprints. It was dark and snow was on the ground, but there were patches where it felt safe. I'm sure I looked like an idiot, but my body wanted to step it up. I could tell. I finished 5 minutes less than I normally would have. I felt great.