Nobody Wants to Hear This

I don't write much anymore because I don't have anything substantial to say.
I mean, I do, but not as it pertains to actually doing better, losing weight, or doing well.

I'm still hanging on by a thread.  Things in my work life were making progress, and then the rug was pulled out from underneath me.  Personnel changes, and all projects working towards something good are GONE.  Poof.  Like that.


So, the past few years has seen me 3 new job changes, and multiple weird situations that I can't make heads or tails of besides the fact that they are normal to life, and life is difficult.

My weight is the same, fluctuating between 279 on a good day, and 283 on a FATTY day.

Today, after suffering major work-related blow while trying to handle life as it comes daily, I've resorted to cocktails and carbs as a way of coping.  Add my period, and I'm nearly committable to a mental institution.

I don't want to feel this.  I want to be that beacon of light for the people around me, but I can't be.  I'm taxed to the end with no outlet at all and a head that runs in circles, confusing the most hard to confuse.

I wonder if I should start popping an anti-depressant or something like that.  I wonder a lot of things.  I also wonder if I should just tank my job, enjoy my life, and quit letting the corporate idea of what's important mandate my happiness.

I wonder a lot of things.

But today, as I gorge on liquor and noodles, I just feel badly for myself that coping becomes edible, and screen time on Blogger takes place of a real-life friend/mom/person to just talk to.

I trust nobody at work because nobody really cares about anyone but themselves.  So, hi.