I Haven't Arrived Yet

I haven't arrived yet.

I realized that today. The word "journey" is way over-used, but I'm going to use it. I haven't arrived on my journey. I don't know if you ever do, really, with substantial weight loss. It's an ongoing thing. Maybe if you've maintained for years, and realize that your choices have simply become who you are and a way of life?

I was posting a message on a weight loss site, it was asking about your "wow" moment. I read through the responses, and then typed out this:

I don't think I've had one yet. Not really. I have little moments of joy, but I think my wow moments are yet to come.
I'm SO excited to hit my 100 pounds lost mark.I'm SO excited to get out of the clothes I'm wearing and into a new size.I'm SO excited to have my kids be proud of me, to see what I can accomplish.
I'm on my way, but I don't think I've arrived yet. 

I have a destination, but it doesn't really have a number. It has some numbers on the way, but not really one to end with.

I feel like I need to be below 230 for sure. I just don't know how far below. I've always felt rather decently when I hovered around 210 - 220 before. Remember - everyone is different. Some people feel like a whale at that weight. I didn't. Some people feel like a whale at 250, and I feel like I have a new lease on life. Who knows what another 30 - 40 pounds would feel like to me?

There's surprises along the way of any road traveled - any journey to a destination. You stop and see the sights, but you know that you're not there yet. You're still on the road. Most people have a specific end, a destination. Mine is more vague, not a specific number. I know how far I want to go - just not where I want to be after I've gone that far. I know what state I want to be in, but not which city - liken it to that.

I want to feel good in my own skin. 
I want to be able to do whatever I want physically (sports, etc.) and feel healthy.
I want clothes to fit nicely.
I want people to be able to visibly see I've lost weight.
I want to feel like I've lost weight (already accomplished).
I want to be healthy (somewhat accomplished).
I want to be able to nourish my body without extremely starving/depriving myself.

I know that my idea of a comfortable weight isn't going to be the standard medical field's idea. I think my ideal weight is 135 or something, and I know that it would kill me to try to maintain that sort of weight. Unless I somehow magically became a super-active runner who enjoyed it so much that I was constantly doing it, allowing me a much larger caloric allotment - otherwise, it ain't happenin'. I think my body would really fight me on that. I've never been skinny.

My lowest weight I can remember is 140-something when I was a teenager. My mom thought I was anorexic. I was just smoking cigarettes and barely eating, and was a teenager (even though my metabolism was sluggy then). It didn't last long. I settled in around 180ish, I think for quite some time, then found a new home in the 200s.

180? 200? 220?

Who knows. I hope I do when I get there.


On another note, all of my summer clothes that I was bursting out of last year - they all fit, and some of them are LOOSE

252.8 (Let's Talk Weight And Life Changes)

I'm counting things as 252. Motivation.

In nothing but underwear (which is how I prefer to weigh myself), I was 252.8.
With my pajamas on, 253. I'm keeping the 252.

Jease, as the doctor I was 248 and that was over a week ago. But I'm not going to worry about that too much. I'm glad that scale is moving down again, but there's a part of me that doesn't quite believe it. What else is new?!

I seem to average about 4 pounds per month or about a pound a week, although I don't usually go down a pound each week. I tend to lose, hold, hold, lose a couple kind of thing. It might be hormonal, or that during my TOM, I hold the pounds that would normally show up as a loss.

Either way, the trend seems to be down still. Though I might panic one week, I'm happy for the movement.


I also noticed that this past week my weight didn't budge on the scale, but my body felt different. I want to remember what that feels like. I feel like the 260's is the "new me" - and where I could end up again if I don't stay the course. I want to remember what being below that number feels like. I know I'm not where I want to be in the end, but I also feel like I'm on my way there. Where will I feel 40 pounds down from here? I can't imagine. But I also couldn't fathom being at 252 again.

My next major mini goal (I don't know if I'll make it because my losses are so slow) is to be 100 pounds down by my birthday this fall. That would put me at 238. I have 14 pounds to go. I should be able to make it, but I know there are no guarantees. God willing, I will. I will.

  1. My sister-in-law (I swear the ONLY PERSON WHO NOTICES I'VE LOST WEIGHT) said my face is slimmer. I've noticed, too. I took a selfie for Facebook, and my face looks slimmer. Period. It just does. My husband told me yesterday it it.
  2. My husband also told me I'm smaller. He can tell. Thank goodness someone can. I think my kids can, they just don't say it. They hug me different, they look at me a bit different, they notice I'm working on something and seem to support it.
  3. I have less social anxiety. I'm not so worried about tables, chairs, that sort of thing. 
  4. I have more energy. The times where I would have not fetched this or went without that because I didn't want to get up - they're smaller. The other day I ran some errands, and I know I would have given up sooner 40 pounds ago.
  5. I walk more. I really like to walk, to move my body and use it as a means to get somewhere. My 20 minute walks have turned into 30 minutes, and now go to 40 when I want to clear my head. It feels good. I feel lighter.
  6. My thighs don't rub together as much. They feel different.
  7. My pajama pants fell off today. Fell. Off!
  8. I continue to be able to stretch further.
  9. NO CLOSET CRYING. I can't remember the last time I sat in front of my closet, feeling like throwing myself off a bridge because I was so frustrated. Instead of worrying about what will fit me, I worry about what do I want to wear. What a different feeling of stress. It is a new lease on things. I feel so much better about picking out my clothes for the day. Besides simply being able to fit in more things, I feel good in them. What-what?!
  10. I know this is a crazy thing to say, but inserting a tampon is easier at 250 than it is at 290. Just saying.

I'm An Alcoholic In a Bar

The past three weeks I've basically maintained. No change. I'll weigh in officially tomorrow, but if there's no change, there's nothing really to report. Maybe I'll just grumble about it. That will be novel and unique!


Today my boss decided to have a work brunch, complete with donuts and other carby fair. I'm not looking forward to it. Besides it being a waste of time on a short week with plenty to do, I dread it for other reasons: carbs. Food. Social events often form around food, drinks. One person is bringing donuts, the other bagels, neither of which I can eat. It's also in the middle of a time where I wouldn't normally eat.

So I will sit and sip my coffee, and think of all the things I could be accomplishing at my desk if I were there doing my work.

The even worse part of it is probably that I'm not packing a snack or delaying my breakfast so I can eat with everyone else. I had my protein shake this morning, packed my meat and veggies for lunch which I'll eat later, like an ogre at my desk. But I'm not going to bring out my steak and veggies in the middle of the brunch.

Or maybe I will.

Like an alcoholic in a bar, I am. I'll just drink the coffee or water.


Two pounds down. Interesting.
Kind of humbled because I was ready to start whining about how frustrating it is when hard work doesn't pay off on the scale, and then Mr. Scale shoves that right back in my face.

I was completely prepared, although ready to revolt, for another 256/257 weigh in today. I was scared because I can't seem to figure things out, or get results from what I feel like is hard work.

The past week has gone OK, but I have been dealing with some old issues and cravings. Like I said in the post a couple days ago, I drank too much on Friday night. Or I ate too little. Combo of both. We had Mother's Day. I didn't go too crazy, but I did "splurge" and get these:
It was a compromise between eating the sugary version, the sugar free version, or nothing - and letting my cravings run wild. Have I told you I've had cravings? It's been kind of a scary week. So, I settled on those babies and ate 3 of them. My boys ate the other ones. It hit the spot.

I don't miss too much right now as far as food goes, but I also know that I'm going to be losing for a while, and then trying to maintain. I can't get stuck in the rut of being militant about things to the point of failure, which is kind of my tendency. I need to find that sweet spot happy medium.

For the record, the past few days I really ramped up a couple things:

  • Fat intake (adding coconut oil to my coffee, along with the cream, 2x per day). Remember I'm doing a Low Carb, High Fat way of eating (more on that in another post). My calories have bumped up a bit to between 1800 and 2000, and my fat intake has been about 160, carbs less than 70g. When I factor in fiber, it's been less than 50g per day.*

  • Water intake (shooting for at least 64oz. - I'd like to up it from there). When I feel thirsty, I know I haven't given myself enough water. I feel thirsty often. 8-8oz. glasses of water really isn't cutting it, and is my bare minimum. Oftentimes I don't hit that mark. I'm really working to exceed that daily.

  • Movement/exercise (just ramped it up a bit - have slacked off). I normally shoot for 3-20min. walks per week or 3 miles. I want to, in the end, be more active than that, though. With my sedentary job, I think I need to fit in more exercise. I'm not running or doing anything like that at this time, but shaking it up a bit. I could do 3-20min. walks when I was 330 pounds. I should be able to do more than that, now.
*One thing I notice about this Holy Grail of Fat/Water/Movement - my skin. I think it's mostly the fat and water, but it feels so much better. When I started upping my fat I noticed that my skin almost felt like it had a protective layer on it when I shower. It's great.

I don't know if that kick-started things for me, or the combination, but I'm happy to have been able to lose a bit again. Still shooting for getting below 250 this month. I know I shouldn't have my goals married so directly to the scale, but I also know that I don't want to hang out here forever. The longer I hang out here, the more I've been feeling like my body is inclined to start pushing upwards again. It settled so nicely in that 265 zone that I feel it pulling back there again. I want to get far away from that and reset my "meter" again, God willing!

My FitBit is helping a bit, though it's only been a couple days. I like that it tracks my steps, though I don't think it is the most accurate, but it is still another tool for me. I'm definitely below that 10,000 step range. This morning I got up and did a 2-mile Walk Away The Pounds and got some steps in right off the bat, but it registered me as doing 1.5 miles. A little frustrating.

Summed up - today was a good weigh-in day. They aren't always good, as we all know.

I Bought A FitBit Zip

I bought Fitbit Zip. I've used it for a day, and so far find it interesting. It will take a bit getting used to (last night I fell asleep with it pinned to my shirt), but I really don't notice that it's there.

Anyone else have one?

I Could Go Either Way

I'm at one of those resting points again (mentally).

I could go either way.

Up, or down.

I'm working on down, but I'm in the mental mode of visioning.

At the beginning of 2013 I was 272 pounds.

I hope by the middle of this year (June) I can be 252 pounds. I don't know if it is likely, because the pounds are having a hard time getting off again. But I'm very close. So close I can start to fantasize about it. With the way the past few weeks have gone, though, it feels like it is draaaaaaaaaaging and each pound is a miracle.

My old me starts wondering why I'm sacrificing so much for a couple pounds. I have to fight that old me away with a stick. Get back!

When my head starts those games, I have to tell it that if I keep going, I could leave the year 20 pounds heavier, or 20 pounds lighter (I've written about this before). I don't want to keep yo-yoing. The reality is I don't want to be in my 250s for life, or my 270s. So, sure, I could go back up - but eventually I'll want to get back down. It's getting harder and harder to re-lose weight. -- Or to lose it PERIOD.

I can see from some of the blogs I go to - people losing 100 pounds in a year. It just isn't me. I'd love it, but it isn't me. I have to work with what I have, as frustrating as it is.

I have to start envisioning myself 20 pounds down the line - a place where I haven't been in as long as I can remember. That would put me at 100 pounds down, which is a HUGE GOAL OF MINE. It's almost like a lottery win, because there's a part of me that feels it is unattainable. That the hard of it will be too hard.

There's no reason I can't do it, even slow and steady.

For two months now I've been eating lower carb.

In those two months I've lost 9 pounds.

Do you know some people drop that in a week of doing low carb? Oy.

I'm thrilled to have lost the weight that seemed like it was going nowhere, but I'm frustrated that it takes so long for me. It is hard not to look at those "100 pounds in a year" people and be envious, comparing myself to them a little bit. I read Escape from Obesity the other day and her continued fight to keep/drop weight, and the calorie restrictions she has - and it still isn't coming off. I know that frustration. I can't help but be concerned that if/when I hit below 200, at what cost would that be?

At what calorie restriction would I have to put myself at to be able to hold a semi-reasonable weight?

For me, it might end up being worth it to be a porker and eat more freely. It just might. I don't know, but even the difference between 250 and 290 is pretty contrasted for me. It's the quality of life that comes into play, though.

My guess is once/if I can get down about 50 more pounds, I will have to incorporate a higher level of activity to my life on a continual basis. Right now I can't seem to do that without stalling my weight loss - but maybe in time it will become part of maintenance for me.

I hope that, at this time next year, I am riding the waves of 200 or below... I have to look at the bigger picture, even if things are slow. I have to remember where I could be if I would have stuck with things longer than 9 months. If I would have lost or maintained instead of re-gaining and re-losing. That 30 pounds I've dumped and found over and over could have been 90 pounds of loss, putting me at 210 pounds. Same work, difference outcomes.

My goals for this week:

3x exercise
1 pound weight loss
enjoy myself

Weigh in on Wednesday! See you then.

Oops I Drank Too Much And Ate Too Little

I haven't craved bread much since I cut it out, up until recently.

In fact, over the past week, I've been slacking. Things got busy, I wasn't paying as much attention, and I'd end up with a fridge full of milk, eggs and air, and I'd be at a loss for what to eat. Not good.

Taking care of yourself takes time. Eating any kind of "diet" takes time to think, to prepare.

Which is when I feel like I might slip.

I had a girl's night this past weekend. She made Chinese food. Not very low carb friendly. I had wine (my chosen carb), and ate a couple veggies she had sitting out. I took some sweet and sour chicken (even though I was pretty sure that there was sugar in the sauce, and it was the most sugar I've eaten in weeks). I skipped the dessert and ate a couple strawberries.

I drank a couple more glasses of wine.

By about 11pm, I felt sick as a dog. I'm pretty sure I didn't eat enough, and on top of that I drank more than I normally do. My body was revolting. Unaccustomed to the carbs and alcohol, I felt like I was going to puke in my own shoes. I cut the evening short with friends, and we headed home. I drank a glass of water and a glass of almond coconut milk. I felt horrid. I wanted to eat, but was too nauseous to do it. I took a bit of coconut oil. I went to bed.

I woke up feeling OK, but had some more water and coconut oil. I went back to sleep.

I woke up later feeling fine, but regretting the night before.

I was ill-prepared. I should have brought some sparkling water to mix with my wine, and some food to eat so I'd be sure to have something (I did bring pistachios, but that wasn't enough). I could have skipped the wine, too, but I didn't want to. I paid the price.

I don't feel too deprived. More, I get irritated at having to think, prepare, and am a little bored with what I'm eating (but some of that is laziness). I also get frustrated when my weight hangs and doesn't go down (or goes up) after days of doing good.

There's days where I don't want to pay attention, and maybe that's part of the reason I got as fat as I did. Laziness, and not paying attention. It's easier to eat what you want when you want, and not care about what's in it, how many calories/carbs, not weigh your food.

Choose your hard.

I see that all the time, in reference to sports, weight, and life.

Choose your hard.

It's easy to pile whatever I want into my mouth.
It's hard to be fat.
It's easier to fit in my clothes, having lost some weight.

It's hard to pay so much attention to what I eat.

It's hard to lose an maintain weight.
It's hard to be fat.

They are almost an equal hard, but the choice is clear.

Men Stare At You More When You Lose Weight

If my weight keeps careening upwards, next week you're going to see me running for the hills.

I've done well all week. There's no reason why I should be hitting close to 258 right now.

I'm hoping that next week I will weigh in and can look back to this entry and say, I always freak out needlessly. I really, really do.

I'm afraid I'm getting stuck again. My body likes to hang out for a while before it drops anything. This past week it has been hanging. I mean, come on.

I have been tired this past week, though, and not getting enough sleep, which definitely can be contributing. Other than that I feel good. My clothes feel good. I'm hanging in there. Today I stopped at Costco and loaded up on chicken patties, bacon, cheese, eggs, kale, rotisserie chicken... things like that. Nothing sexy, but my fridge is way fuller than it was this morning.

As I walked out, I caught the eye of a nice man, smiled and kept walking.

Men are looking at me more. I didn't want to mention that, but there it is. 40 pounds ago, it was rare-er. Now, it is much more common. I sounds incredibly vain to even be mentioning this, but I mention it because I'm not sure what to think of it.

When I was younger, and thinner, I got a lot of looks from the men. There are times when I think that I actually packed on fat to keep that away. Keep to myself. I don't have a lot of "fat baggage" or issues that I think keep me fat, but if I had to readily pick one, it might be that.

I'm not young, I'm not a supermodel, I'm still a pretty fat beast. Sometimes when you see a fatty that can really "pull it off" at her weight, it makes you look a little longer. Maybe that's it. I don't know. But I don't know how I feel about it. At times I have this weird feeling like I want to climb back into my fat suit and cozy up.

I have read people say that, as they lost weight, they noticed more people looking them in the eye. I don't feel like I command any more attention now than I did before. Except for this. It's not new, it's an old familiar, except the men aren't 20 anymore. It's nice for people to think you're pretty, but I also apparently have some sort of issue about it because it's nice, but it bothers and scares me a bit.

Maybe I'm accustomed to being a little more incognito?

Scales And Weights

I have two scales that are very dear to me. My kitchen scale, and my bathroom scale.

I know that some people forbid scales in their homes, and some weigh themselves daily.

I'm the second one.

I don't know why I do it, but ever since I got that new scale, I hop on it nearly every day. Sometimes every other day.

Today it tells me I've gained a pound. I know I ate a lot of salt yesterday. I also know I stayed reasonable with my calories, went for a walk, and shouldn't worry. I'm not too worried. Right now the scale and daily weighing seems to be helpful to me. For now.

It's scary, too. I think for the rest of my life I will always have a fear of putting my pudgy feet on a scale. They mean too much. Those numbers, they mean a lot. Kind of like important dates, the numbers signify times in my struggle.

the past decae...
338 - my highest
305 - getting stuck there, wondering if I'd ever leave the 300s again
295 - getting down there and being joyous, but wanting more... losing and being back there three times
280s and 270s - yoyo times, back and forth - frustration
260s - feeling great, feeling a difference in my body
250s - new territory for me in this decade

old territory from years ago/my late teens and early 20s...
240s - remembering this weight, lying about it to my friend
230s - post-baby, walking around here for a long time, but telling everyone I was 202
220s - vague recollections of being here, felt great at this weight
210s - huh?
180s - feeling fat, lying about it
170s - felt fat here
160s - huh?
150 - my mother telling me I looked like I was melting away
140 - hearing a famous person weighed the same, and feeling great about that, my legs barely rubbed together

For most of my life, I've been stuck somewhere in the 200s. I think even back in middle school possibly I was over 200 pounds. For a brief time I dipped into the onederland area, and it was great. I was still fat by high-school standards, but thick and beautiful by many a boy's standards. It felt great to get out of high school and have people look at me differently.

I don't know where I will settle this time around. I don't want it to be on this side of 250, though. It's a tough battle. It's a lot of work, mentally and physically. Unless there's a payoff, it's hard to keep going.

Body Tales

Weight loss is objective.

I surf around reading blogs. It's good to feed myself motivation at least once a week.

I like to look at pictures (something I have little of), and see stats of the losses. I like to read how it was done, to see someone transform. It really is impressive. Inspiring.

I like to see how people feel different. The scale says one thing, but the body tells more intimate tales of  the process of changing your body.

It probably goes without saying, but I'm looking for people who have lost or are losing a good chunk. Like 100 pounds. People who have been in body debt, and are now debt free - that inspires me because it hits closer to who I am - or who I want to be.

Usually people who have been over 250ish.

Anyway. So one thing I found fascinating is how other people felt in their 250s. Like, for those who started there. I started in my 330s, so that's another ball league. I'm feeling much better in my 250s (in comparison to my 290s). Most of it is just getting around the fat, being able to sit more comfortably, get up more comfortably, stretch, etc.

But the way some people felt at my same weight (at their starting weight) amazes me. The misery. I'm not that miserable. 'Leads me to think of the experiences and differences of our bodies. We all feel differently in our skin.

Regardless of how great I feel (because I've been even heavier than this) right now, someone else might feel miserable at 250; it might have been their beginning. It's a little bit of a buzz kill, really. And it's also a little bit of a face slap, telling me not to become to complacent.

I can't say I ever felt incredibly miserable physically at 300. I felt a bit disabled, I guess. But I wasn't suffering major health consequences, and was able to take care of everything I needed to. I feel similar now. BUT I feel more free.

Is This For REAL?!

I had TWO NSV this weekend (well, three counting the enjoyment of my wardrobe):

1.) My son noticed my weight loss. I was walking around, came back to sit down, and my son said, "Mom, you can tell you've lost weight." Outside I was casual, inside I was ecstatic. Partly for obvious reasons - but then also for the not so obvious. I want my kids to be proud of me. I want them to see me as more than a big, fat person. That sounds awful; I know they love me regardless. But my boys are extremely active and weight conscious, which makes me feel hypocritical about giving them advice on those things (which I can and do), but not being able to follow my own advice.

2.) My friend told me she was proud of me. She said, "You know a couple months ago we went to dinner and I told you about a friend of mine who never at bread. I remember you saying, 'I could never do that!' - and look at you. You're doing it." That was such a gift to me. I sell myself short all the time, and she called me on it. I appreciate that.

It sometimes takes someone else to point something out to you for it to register, to sink in that it is real. That's why other people noticing my weight loss is vital to me. Not because I need a pat on the back, or attention. I don't need or want either one of those. I really need someone else to let me know this stuff right here is actually going on. That I really am a smaller version of myself. That I'm not going to get pinched an wake up.

When I was fatter nobody close to me told me I was ridiculously obese. Nobody. God love them, they are kind and they love me no matter what. My head knew I was fat - but maybe didn't realize how fat (?) - I don't know. But still, now, my head will tell me I'm that girl. My head says I'm 300 pounds. Literally, my head was feeding me fears about having a bad weekend and being back at 295, not being able to fit into my pants. It's not realistic, but my head was saying it was.

I know I'm working hard, making sacrifices - but it almost feels like it's not real sometimes. When I look at my weight loss, it doesn't feel real. After all, I'm still in the same body. It looks eerily the same, only smaller. I "wear my fat well" as some would say. I wouldn't. But whatever.

I know I've seen people where I look at them and think, Did they lose weight? Because they just look like a smaller version of themselves. It's like a mind trick. There's this lady that works at Target and I see her all the time because I shop there way too much. One day I noticed that she had lost some weight.

One day.

I didn't notice every other day I was in there. Just that one.

For a month I'd see her after that, and want to ask her if she had, compliment her. Like, I knew she had, but still, it was boggling to my brain. So one day I go up and ask her, and she told me she had dropped like 80 or 100 pounds, I don't remember now. I'm all waiting for her to tell me about her weight loss surgery, but she said she did it the old-fashioned way. I told her she looked great.

I still see her there and she's still maintaining. It's been a couple years.

I think it might take me 20 pounds or more for people to notice because, after all, I'm still fat. The average Joe looking at me would see a fat lady. Even people who know me still see a fat lady. Their head tells me I'm fat still. Not a worry, mine does, too.


I've stepped on the scale before and it said 256, but not on a weigh-in day.

I've lost EIGHTY POUNDS. One of my kids weighs 88 pounds. I've finally lost some of my baby weight - har har, har, har, har.

I didn't expect it today. OK, I kinda did. But we were away for the weekend with friends, and that's always a gamble.

Although, in retrospect, I didn't go on a bender, or do anything I shouldn't have. I stuck to the plan.

I drank almost an entire bottle of wine. That would have been a downfall.
And... a martini.
We ate out.
We were busy.
I didn't track my calories.

But other than all that, I planned well, ate well.

There were plenty of goodies I could have eaten, but I skipped them. I had strawberries, egg muffins, cheese muffins, pistachios, my tea... it worked out. And strangely, I didn't care about the food so much. Being able to open my suitcase and grab clothes that felt good on my body was way over the top hands down a better feeling than stuffing a sweet, gooey cupcake in my mouth.

The way I felt in my clothes lasted all day and into the night, and a cupcake doesn't last that long. An orgasm doesn't even last that long. 

My Weight Loss Plan And Goals

Goals change.

I've been satisfied at 295, 277, 260. I've told myself many times that staying where I was would be better than where I came from (in the 300+ zone). Many, many times. I believe that right now. My quality of life is better at 257 than it was at 297, as it should be.

I thought I would make a wild Facebook post when I hit below 260, but I didn't. Maybe later. I don't feel done yet. I am extremely thankful for the way my body is losing weight; I really wasn't sure it could be done. The carb-cutting seems to be what it needs. Eating the same amount of calories before wasn't rendering any weight loss. For now, at least, it is.

For the record, here is my sort of "plan" right now:

Walking at least 3x per week - 20+ minutes. No gym requirement, or goals right now. I'd like to save that for when I hit 100 pounds lost.

Food (Low Carb High Fat):
Carbs (about) 30 - 75 grams
Protein (about) > 90 grams
Fats (about) 150

I used this calculator to come out with the percentages, but also seem to naturally fall that way with my eating right now. I eat no breads, grains, wheat. No sugar, or very little. Lots of veggies (low glycemic ones), meats, eggs, some nuts, etc. Occasionally wine or a cocktail, but not the sugary ones. No beer.

I know that it isn't realistic to eat exactly like this forever. I do think the idea behind it is solvent, though, and could work for me in the long run. I also know that I have a lot more weight to lose than the average bear, so I'm willing to stick to what I'm doing right now (rather than adding more carbs in) for a while until I loosen up the reigns a bit on myself. I don't feel ill, hypoglycemic, tired, or deprived. I feel like I'm eating healthily. My brain doesn't feel as foggy. This is all good.

I'd really like to hover under 200 pounds, as an end goal. I'd like to be able to work out moderately, eat moderately, and maintain by eating a semi Phase II South Beach Diet. I think that being around 180ish would allow me to do that. I think. I don't know. Hopefully I'm blessed enough to find out! I know that 130 is what the BMI calculator tells me as a good, healthy weight for me - but I don't know that it is realistic. I can't see it as that way now, but who knows. Like I said, I'm in a honeymoon state with the fact that I'm losing weight.

I'm also terribly frightened. I'm already scared to gain it back.
I'm scared to stay where I am (weight-wise).
I'm scared of who I might be underneath all this fat.

Lots to be scared of.

Also lots to enjoy:

I'm a flexible person. Stretching feels good. You wouldn't know it with all the fat I have covering me, though. Just this recent loss of 40 pounds reminds me of my flexibility. I'm remembering more and more. It's truly great. I am more flexible.

I noticed - since I hit this kind of "below 260" area - that I have a bit more energy. I'm not so reluctant to get up and get something I need, making excuses in my head. More energy would be GREAT. If I feel this now, I can't imagine what another 30 pounds less might feel like.

I'm worrying less about saggy skin and more about how I feel.

Greedy With My Weight Loss

After I posted yesterday, I realized I had hit a goal of mine.

I don't usually like counting it as having been made unless I surpass it (like getting a pound below it), but I'll put it:

257 (see this)

That was actually two years (three) ago that I posted that. I was 277 pounds, and talking about my resistance to change.

Today I weighed in at 277. My strange mental problem won't let me make it official. I thought on this off and on through the day, wondering what my malfunction is.

My head was holding me at the 300 pound mark, somewhere my head is very comfortable.

It's all good. Changes in the right direction. But it is still change, something I'm not always entirely comfortable with. If I have the strength to get down into the 250 zone I will literally poo in my pants. I'm 20 pounds away from 257, and 20 pounds away from 297. 
Which will win out?
It took a while, but somehow I've gotten to that 257. Surreal reading that and being here now.

I really didn't think it could ever happen. And I didn't poo in my pants. Right now amazing, to me, is the hope that I might get down to 238. I might actually lose 100 pounds. Am I getting greedy?