One pound down.

I'm happy. I've weighed in at 257 before

--sidenote, I keep wanting to write 275, it feels more normal--

but it wasn't on a weigh in day.

It is official now.

I sure would love to say that I got to 255 this month, but that's my goal for May - to clear 255.

I know that's only TWO stinkin' pounds, but still. I've read enough of my own posts to know that nothing is certain in the weigh loss or maintain lane.


We went out with friends this weekend and I was thrilled to find that getting dressed was not devastating, tear-inducing, or a huge worry of mine. I put on one of the new shirts I picked up at Goodwill, a pair of capris, and was off. It felt incredibly liberating.

I feel like I weigh 120 pounds!

I thought for sure my friends would notice that I've lost some weight - I haven't seen them in at least a month.

Nothing. Nope. Not a comment.

That was frustrating. But it also in a twisted way encourages me to continue. It's motivation, because at some point, all these stubborn people (I say that jokingly) that haven't noticed WILL HAVE TO.

Weight loss for an incredibly fat person is a strange process. I can get dressed and got out feeling nearly wafer thin, and to everyone else, I'm still a largely fat person. That's kind of sad and pathetic for me at the same time.

My body doesn't match how great I feel.


Today wasn't so hot. It was a day where I can clearly see where emotions come into my eating.

Somedays my lower carb, higher fat diet makes me satiated. Actually most days I am satisfied and happy. Today, though, I was looking for food even though I wasn't hungry. It's beautiful out and everyone in the world is walking their dog, running, playing, pushing kids in strollers, walking with friends - and I just want to be inside my quiet house.

It might be hormonal. It's that time of month for me again. It might be some recent life changes for me. It might be that I'm coming off of being sick. I'm not sure. It isn't the stark, raving monster-like hunger that plagues me at times, where nothing will satisfy. It's just a quiet desire for some comforty foods, something sweet, salty, carby - something I'm accustomed to treating myself to to make things feel better.

Old habits die hard.

Fat Ladies Break Chairs

I took my son to his dentist appointment. He wanted me to come in the room with him. Not a big deal, I can do that.

But when they took him to his chair, and showed me min, I almost died. It was a director's chair. You know, like, the most unstable looking chair on the face of the earth, besides a flimsy plastic lawn chair.

I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, but I also didn't want to sit on it and have the legs give out on the chair like a newborn calf.

I know that chair's capacity wasn't no 260 pounds. More like 190. But I sat in it anyway. No fancy sitting, just straight down, hands on lap kind of thing.

It didn't break.

Then I noticed. Something that I've been noticing for a while now.


This might not be a big deal to most people, but when I was 330 pounds, armrests were torture. They dug into the sides of my legs, pushing on my varicose vein, making my leg go numb after not too long. It consistently happened. Not only uncomfortable, by squeezing my fat more compactly, but painful.

I remember this happening before to me. It was monumental. It is now happening with more frequency. In that post I linked, I also wrote this:

I am finding that I'm still somewhat frightened of losing weight. As much as I enjoy being able to fit into the clothes I have (gosh it feels fabulous), I'm still scared. I'm super excited, though, to have the scale dip below 250. That will be exciting. 238, 100-pounds down will be pee-my-pants hoorah. It will also probably be quite a while, though, because I'm enjoying summer and all of the fun foods, drinks BBQs, sporting events, all that good stuff.
That was in 2010, three years ago. It's been a long, slow ride, with many ups and downs for me. But I see that 338 on the horizon, and I do want to catch up to it.

All the changes I've felt on this journey of mine I've felt before when I've lost this weight.
I'm ready for some new ones. For some of those changes that bring me back to 20 years ago -- something I haven't felt in a long, long time.

THAT excites me. Being able to stretch farther because there is less fat in my way excites me.

The thought of running and playing excites me.

I'm Not The Fattest One In The Room

The other weekend we went to a sporting event for the kids. It was nice, we had a good time. As I walked around the gym, I noticed two ladies that were rather large. I guessed them to be about 300 or more pounds.

They are me. I remember that. It wasn't exactly like looking in the mirror, but looking into a time capsule from when I was that large. I'm still large, and my head doesn't let me feel like I'm that far from that size. But I had to remind myself that that wasn't me anymore.

That was me.

I'm still myself.

I'm just not that large anymore.

But I've got the same head.

I really shouldn't think that much when looking at someone else, but I did. I deducted that I was not the largest woman in the room anymore.

Even though I'm over 250 pounds, I'm wasn't the largest woman there.

I don't think these things all the time, and not as much as I used to. I'm still, often enough, the largest woman in a group of women. But not like I used to be. I'm creeping closer and closer to having lost 100 pounds, even though it doesn't seem possible that I've done that. It really does not.

Even when I remind myself that I've lost 70 pounds, it doesn't seem possible, or real. I don't identify much with that 338 pound woman I used to be. She's been gone for a while. At some point, though, I hope to be 100 pounds down from that 295 pound woman. I know her well.


My husband and I are about the same weight. In fact, he might be - for the first time in a long, long time - more than me. I really want to make a nice gap between our weights. That's a mini personal goal for me. My son asked the other day, "Mom, you don't weigh as much as dad, do you?" And for the first time I could tell him "no" and not be lying.

I think that because I'm still quite a hefty girl, I don't really "get" where I am right now, or feel like I've made a major accomplishment quite yet. Don't get me wrong - I'm happy, I'm feeling very blessed to be seeing the numbers I'm seeing on the scale. But I just am not there yet.

Seeing the scale in the 250s is amazing. I can't wait to see the 240s. I think what will be HUGE for me is a 220-anything. That will be HUGE. I think the 230s will be huge. Shoot, the 240s will be unbelievable.

I can't believe where I am now, and that it might be possible to drop lower. I really can't.

Weigh In - 258

I've meant to update for days, but keep getting busy with something else. Now I've got a wretched cold going on, and I'm spending even less time on the computer.

So I lost again, that's good. I'm happy with that. The other thing I'm happy with is that I think I might have lost a pound from my belly. I've been frustrated that my pants aren't as loose as they were the first time I was at this weight, but then I suppose I'm carrying more around my belly this time.

My husband said that I was looking smaller. I feel smaller.

Still, I feel nervous. Like it's a dream and I'm going to wake up staring 300 in the face. I know how easy it happens, and I know that it is always a possibility.

I'm not going to let that fear stop me from making better food choices, though. I'm still in this.

I was walking the other day and felt nicely in my better-fitting clothing, and thought about how I've been wearing the largest size (26/28) for a long time. Even when I was 240, I would buy the biggest, so I could feel small in it. Kind of weird.

I've had a bit of an injury - nothing too big - but it's sidetracked me from making any gym progress. It is frustrating, but then it maybe is a good thing. I'm still walking, but can't do anything more than that right now. Makes me focus more on my food, and that's a big thing to focus on anyway.

It's a choice every time I open my mouth and put something in it. Every time. Multiple times a day. Sometimes it's like torture, sometimes I wonder why I make food such a big deal.

The last few days I've been wanting to gobble things down that didn't concern me a week ago, which indicates hormones on the rise. They were quite a factor for me last month with that Metformin, and I'm a bit worried about it again.

I haven't decided if I'm going back on. I'm afraid to rock the boat.

Holding At 261

Yesterday I almost came and wrote a whiny I'm-not-losing-post. In fact, it was going to be about gaining.

I saw my weight bumping up, getting as high as 263 as of yesterday. I was very discouraged.

I've been re-informing myself on low-carb eating, and on lowcarb/highfat (LCHF) eating as well. I've been following a semi low carb higher fat diet for a week now, and was afraid of weight gain.

It is similar to regular low-carb, but it balances it out with a higher percentage of fat, and less carbs than say a South Beach Diet.

The only thing I've gone kind of wild on is having 1oz. of heavy cream in my tea over the past couple weeks. I've cut caffeine, and haven't had any, but replaced it with this habit. The most I have is three cups, but generally have two.

It feels very indulgent, and I'm surely going to have to give it up at some point. But for now, I enjoy it.

I haven't gone too hog wild otherwise. I don't add butter to my cheese, but I'm not as worried about frying my mushrooms in a pat of butter, either.

We will see how it goes. One thing I notice - my blood sugars/hypoglycemia-ish events are pretty much GONE.

I'm not as hungry. I still crave foods, and feel like eating when I shouldn't be - but that's part of my problem on the whole. I've been able to go without eating for hours and feeling fine - something I haven't done in a while. It is interesting.

Today I had my breakfast (2 egg omelette with mushrooms and swiss, and 3 strawberries, tea and cream). Normally it would have been 1 egg, 1 piece of toast and butter with coffee. I went to an appointment and ran some errands, not eating at all. I had the urge to stop and grab a snack, but realized I wasn't hungry or shaky - so why bother?

That. Doesn't. Happen. For. Me.

I always need snacks. I always get clammy and shaky.

For me this type of eating seems to be working. Satiating, satisfying, and has less of an impact on my body than concentrating on fat and calories. I still count my calories, but fats (which I never thought were evil) are not as evil as they were. One good thing about it is my more liberal use of olive oil, which I think is an extremely healthy part of a diet.

I'll admit I wanted to throw in the towel yesterday, but I was back at 261 today. For now. I will continue with it since I truly feel better. I will have my cholesterol checked, though, if possible.

I do want to lose weight, so I need to figure out how to do that, since I didn't this past week. I need to lose weight, and that is just as important as feeling better. Hopefully I do by my next weigh in.

New Clothes

After writing about clothes yesterday, I started thinking about my clothes. I haven't changed them since before. They were rather ill-fitting, and now they fit better. That was one of my goals - to feel better in my clothes.

It makes a difference. I do feel better.

I used to cry when I'd get dressed. I'd stare at my closet, look it up and down, knowing that everything was too tight here, or too short there (didn't hide my belly). The pants bulged. Nothing looked right. I was limited to what I'd wear because only certain clothes felt good, and fit right.

I was really miserable. It makes me sad to think about it, to remember it. It isn't a new feeling. There was a time for me when most off-the-rack clothing didn't fit and I had to order from online sources. I bought some polo shirts, an elastic waistband pair of pants. I was really big.

People look at me and probably think I'm still really big. 260-some pounds is no joke for a female. I'm still not lighter than my husband (another goal of mine).

I hope I can get there, but I also want to remind myself of where I am and where I've been. Though my black jeans (another goal - to fit in them) actually DO go on, I want to be able to wear them comfortably.

Last time I was at this weight I was so happy to be here that squeezing into those black jeans was enough for me. It isn't anymore. Right now I feel like I did when I was pushing 300. Everything still fits. I want to get to the point where it won't fit anymore. Where it would be ridiculous to wear it.

It is going to take me a while. I've been busting out of the clothes I had, now they are getting comfortable, and I need to press forward.

My head is where I live. It's hard to get out of it. Not long ago I was wondering if I'd break that 265. I did, but I still worry about keeping it coupled with blasting out the bottom on this thing and finding a new low.


I'm trying to talk myself into getting to the gym. I've been walking, but I need to do some weights and toning. The last few days have been cold and rainy and I didn't get on a walk. So... today... I really need to, and I don't want to walk in this weather. That means taking myself to the gym.


Gotta do it, though.

Hello, Old Friend

I was with one of my friends the other day, hanging out in couples. She's small and a bit heavy - but not as much as I. Every year they have Biggest Loser in their offices, and she starts chomping on celery sticks and works out on their treadmill.

Yesterday I was frustrated because I swear I could tell that she's lost weight.

Do you know what would happen to me if I started working out and eating celery sticks? You'd find me in a pool of concern at the foot of the treadmill, sucking my thumb. IT WOULDN'T WORK.

I have worked so hard for the weight that I've lost (75 pounds now). Not to say she hasn't, but it was a clear example to me of how different everyone is. And what a jealous pig I can be. I noticed this about an acquaintance I have. She lost 10 pounds and I could tell. I complimented her on it. But in my head, I'm thinking - girl, I've lost THIRTY?! - What is this, The Emperor's New Clothes? Ugh.

I'm really hoping that someone will notice I've lost weight. Seriously, how does a person lose 30 pounds and nobody notices? My husband said he thought he could tell I've lost weight. He "doesn't know how or why" but he thought he could tell. So putting my food on a scale for the last 8 months didn't clue you in?! Gosh.

My kids haven't said a thing. None of my friends, either. I think, in my head, it makes me feel like I haven't. I know, the games we play, right? Like, I know what the scale says, but it isn't showing in my body to the outside world. It's my dirty little secret.

Here are some changes I've noticed (my body must be settling in to itself a bit):

  • Car seat - I have to push it up further. I used to put it back all the way. Not anymore.
  • My tummy doesn't hang as much (Lori, this is encouraging!)
  • My pants are looser, but it depends on the day - I must be bloaty, or carry a lot around my midsection. I really have been staying in the same clothes, regardless of weight, so the only way to measure is when they are ridiculously sloppy on me. I'm not there yet.
  • I do feel like my clothes are fitting differently. Some are too big, and some look better.
  • I can stretch farther. Less fat to move around.
  • I can tell in the shower. My naked body feels smaller. 
I notice subtle things. Again, I'm getting back to where I was, re-losing weight I've lost before, so this isn't new territory.. yet. Right now it's like finding an old friend again. Although, now that I am actually dipping lower than I was, I should be discovering new things. It's exciting, and scary!


In addition to the low carb, I haven't really be exercising too much. Walks, about 3x per week, but not going back to the gym... not yet. I've taken off the past month.

In a way I'm glad I did, because I focused a bit more on eating and being in tune with my body.

I had two doctor visits last week, and though I dreaded both, I am glad I went. My regular doctor talked to me about some of my difficulties losing weight (and m intolerance of Metformin). She talked about my body regulating itself, which makes sense. I'm not pregnant and sustaining another human being, but my body is readjusting from pumping blood and sustaining a 290 pound person, versus a 260 pound person.

I also had my yearly woman's visit with my nurse practitioner (who always takes the time to talk with you), and we talked about how exercising makes me tired, and she explained to me why that is. How normally a person's glucose gets shoved into their muscles by insulin, but for some people, it doesn't - the insulin is off whack (like in PCOS). So I eat a power bar before working out the the glucose goes into my body, but instead of hitting my muscles like good glucose should, it runs around in my body like a headless chicken looking for its friend insulin to help - and its friend is misbehaving.

So my muscles aren't running on good energy, and I'm zapped after working out.

There is a lot in PCOS/diabetes/metabolic system that is not understood, but this is the path of thinking that goes along with it. She apologized for talking to me as if I were a child, and I thanked her for doing it. I really couldn't get a mental image of this stuff until that day.

She also broke it to me that WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT, and what works for one person (especially if  they don't have PCOS or similar issues), won't always work for the next person. There isn't any changing of that.

Right now my focus is on feeling well and eating well. Walking fits into that. Butt-busting gym workouts don't yet. Last time they ended up discouraging me. However, I think that I can fit some toning in now. Toning is healthy, too. For me, though, it will be hard to go to the gym and not feel like I need to work up a sweat on the treadmill. But, all in good time. I know myself, and I know that my body can handles changes in eating, my body can handle (somewhat) working out - but if I put those two together too quickly - my body revolts.

Weigh In 261

Well, wow.

I weighed myself today and came in at 261.0 on the nose.


I'm seriously 2 pounds from being on the other side of the 200s? That is craziness!!!

I weighed myself twice to double-check. See, I weighed in before the weekend (again) and it was 262. I was hoping to be able to hold that number, since we had a dinner party to go to, and other social events.

Here I come back this morning, hopeful, but not convinced, and I lose a pound. It makes me feel like something is wrong. Haha.

With my new scale I weigh in in bra and underwear, which is nice. I don't have that privacy in my livingroom where my Wii is. So I put on my tank and pajama bottoms (.6 pound difference) and came out and weighed in on the Wii and did a differential of 0. It weighed me in at 259 and celebrated me making my goal.

I'm not ready to celebrate yet, but I'm feeling good - better - about things.

My only (it's more major than an only, really) change is watching carbs. Cutting out the breads, sweets, pastas and rice. I know some people are squeemish about low-carb, but many people have had success. It's worked for me in the past. This time, I'm working it along with my calorie counting. Calorie counting worked to get me here, but I was having a ridiculously hard time getting beyond that.

It scares me to go on any kind of "diet" because whatever way you get there, you have to maintain. Can I maintain this way of eating? I may have to, especially if it gives me results. Apparently my body needed me to change something.

My usual breakfasts were an egg, piece of toast with butter. Now they are an egg (or two), often some protein, and always some sort of veggie.

(Two eggs, leftover steak, red peppers)

(Egg and cheese omelette, kale)

Last night we had spaghetti and chops. I had the chops and a little sauce over kale. I really didn't miss the spaghetti so much, and I definitely need to up my vegetable consumption anyway, and cut down on alcohol and sweets.

I'm doing what I can and, right now, thinking of today and not worrying as much about later. The fact that I'm losing weight is very exciting to me. It's been a while of stalling. I wonder if that burst of Metformin did it for me, or if it is the change in eating. I'm still a little concerned about going on that pill next month, but I will have a chance to talk to my doctor again, so I'll put it out of my head right now.

Settling In

Happy Friday.

I've done OK this week. Kind of taking in the information my doctor gave me. Contemplating going to a nutritionist to get some feedback on a lower carb diet. I've done low carb before, but I know that things change, and it has been a while for me.

It's a little frustrating, figuring out how much protein, fat, and carbs I want to be taking in, and I'm guessing there will be some trial and error. I look back to my calorie-counting (where I still watched my carbs, but not too much), and seemed to take in around 200, give or take. Lately I've been aiming for 100 per day. But I don't want to overdo the fats, and end up gaining.

I feel pretty good right now. I've had to cut out caffeine  though, and I don't know why. It happens to me every now and then where I get sensitive to it, usually in spring. I switch to de/nocaf teas and coffee. I've been putting cream in it, which is an indulgence I don't usually partake in.

Low carbing makes some sense to me, but it's a huge pity that spaghetti, rice, breads... are all pretty inexpensive and flexible. I don't know that it is realistic for me to cut them out entirely from the menu. For me, for a while, maybe, but certainly not for the rest of the family.  I make spaghetti squash quite frequently, though, so that is not a great sacrifice.

Tonight the kids want pizza, so I'm going to make that. I just have to figure out a compromise for me to have some sort of pizza. Low carb can get boring when you're on a budget.

I did weigh myself - I've been doing it daily. It drives me a bit bonkers, but it also helps me to see my fluctuations, and to keep myself on track right now while I experiment.

I'm Still Alive... And Now I'm Off Metformin (263.8)

This is going to be quick. Grammer and spelling might be rough.

First off, I weigh 263. I haven't posted a weigh in for a bit, but it hasn't really been doing much (besides fluctuating wildly). This is the 3rd time I've weighed 263. I'm hoping that I'm breaking that barrier.

I'm off Metformin. I was way too woozy.

The things I found out while being on Metformin and testing my blood sugars:

I'm not diabetic (according to doctor).
I'm not dangerously hypoglycemic (though my readings tend to be low rather than high).

After being on the drug for 10 days, and not being able to tolerate it for the last 3 of those days, I went to the doctor to clarify exactly what we were doing with being on the Metformin. I explained how crappy I've felt, how out of energy I've felt, how I feel hypoglycemic ALL THE TIME (even though I guess I technically am not). I wanted to fal in a ball on ground and sob, but clinic floors are filthy.

What she said was - um, BG, you've lost a significant amount of weight. I see you were in the clinic back in September and you were 295 pounds. You weighed in today (6 months later) at 265 pounds. It might not seem like a lot, but your body has gone through some changes. It is resetting itself. You have new normals for glucose readings, hormones -- your body needs to stabilize.

She said she thinks Metformin is right for me, but told me to wait a month. Make sure I'm a bit more stable, make sure that I can differentiate between my hormones and the drug before going on it again (I'm not sure I could before). She said my readings were all very good while on the drug and I didn't need to worry about that. But for the metabolic syndrome and PCOS that I was dealing with, the drug could prove to be helpful for me.

I'm hopeful but hesitant on the Metformin, but what she was saying makes sense, about the body regulation to the "new me" for my weight. Considering I've been here 3 times and failed twice, I think I get to a certain point and my body is like, Whoa now, this doesn't feel right?! Let's get you back to where you need to be to feel normal.

My "normal" has settled at 338, 298, and, well, about 267. Those seem to be my landmarks. 262 is a number that I faintly remember as being a "normal" for a while.

So I have to fight through it to get to another normal, I guess. It's been frustrating and difficult, to say the least, though.

A change I've made recently is to cut out a lot of the carbs I was eating. I feel like I need to do something to get through here, and carbs have often NOT been my friend. I didn't eat a drastically lowered carb diet to get where I am now, that was mostly calories. But, I've been doing good on my calories and am still finding difficulty getting past this point. It looks like I might be breaking through, but I'm not convinced until I see a 25-something number.