It's Been a While: 285

Today I weighed myself and it was 285.

I wasn't peeled down to my skivvies, my preferred way of weighing, but I wanted to make something "official" and put it over there, and call it a day.

I can't keep telling myself this is transitional and not official.

It's my official weight right now.

As I moved around my day yesterday I thought, I have to document how absolutely crappy I feel right now.

I hate looking in my closet for clothes
Everything feels like it shrunk (though I know it's ME that has grown)
I feel uncomfortable in my own skin - it's really not my clothes
I feel unhealthy... sluggish, slower

It's very strange.  Kind of surreal, to be here again.  I'm feeling a bit baffled and hopeless.

I haven't been eating that bad.  I'm certainly not eating with abandon.

Basically if I want to stay at a certain weight, or lose weight, I have to put a LOT of time and effort into it and deny myself a LOT.

Part of my downfall is that I haven't been able to do that.  I've been stressed, tired, and simply haven't been able to put my time and effort and energy into giving so much focus to my weight-management.  That's the bottom line of things.

Will I have more time now?

What can I do to make time?

My health is important to me.  

At any rate, yesterday I did OK - better.  These few days here I'm putting in odd hours, and things are not predictable.  My new job does not have a refrigerator that I can put my meals in, which is not a big deal when I'm working a part-time day, but when I'm working a full day like I've been lately - it doesn't really work out so well.  There is a cube-sized one there now.  I'm thinking of bringing a larger one simply so I can have that available to me.  We'll see.

I need to get past the next couple weeks without gaining any more weight.  Things will even out for me - although it will still be a challenge (I have to recognize this).  But they will settle into a routine.

I don't like how I feel, and I don't like food more than the feeling of fitting into my own clothes, and looking in a closet without wanting to rip my own skin off.  This is nothing new.  I've been in this spot with the same feelings.  But now I need to remember how this feels, and charge towards it again.

I'm excited to get there again.


I don't really want to talk about my weight.  I'm sick of it.  I'm sick of working on it, thinking about it, and dealing with it.

I wish I could wake up tomorrow and have gastric bypass surgery.

I have a few friends that have had it and they all look great.

They are all living life.

I am. Sort of.

I did get another job.  Very part-time.  I guess I should be happy.  I don't know what I want, which doesn't help.  This gives me the flexibility to figure that out while still providing a bit of cash to the flow, I suppose.

I'm semi-excited.  All in all it's probably the best.  I'm so blessed in that area, yet I seem to snub my nose at it.  I've been off for a bit and it's been nice.  It wasn't really enough time, though.  I was hoping to leave town, visit family, do some things I've been wanting to do for a while.  It's not going to happen though.  New job starts.  Even if it's part-time, it's a new job, and it's exhausting.  But I did get to a good point last year with my old job where I was able to find some time for me, get a routine, and pay more attention to taking care of myself.

Right now I'm just trying to hit 8000 steps on my tracker. That's about it.  My weight remains a dismal 283.  Last year this time I was 30 pounds lighter.  I just need to have the scale start winding back that way.  10 pounds I'd feel better. Ten stinking pounds.

It's amazing how hard that is!

Day By Day

I don't know what's happening to me.

I quit my job.  It was hard and liberating at the same time.  It will put financial burdens on us.  Period.  I couldn't hold out any longer.  Every day I woke miserable and every night I dreaded the next day.  Maybe a lot of people feel like that?

It's not one of those things where I'm "lucky I can quit my job."  It's going to suck.  It already does.  Life is uncertain, I will have to throw myself into interviewing.  Again.

I wish I knew what it all was.

I wish I could find someone to talk to that would help me figure it out.  I don't think I'm doing very well.

I looked back at my posts and last year June when my job started to look sketchy.  Then they told me I might not have a job.  Then I had to really start looking.

Then I had a moment's peace, thinking maybe I'd explore something else - write a book, do something, and try to make something positive of it.

And then I got offered the full-time job of my dreams, and life was busy and fast and I took the job.

And nearly a year later I'm miserable and jobless.

And... you know what?  I'm sitting here at home by myself, having a pity party.  What the heck IS that?

I went back and read my old posts.  I was going along well.  I was in shape better than I have been in 20 years, looking and feeling good.

I hit a BUMP with my job.  That's it.  Grand scheme of things - I tried it, it didn't work.  I need to MOVE on, not run it over in my head so much, and take it as it comes and have FAITH that God is on my side. He has good things in store for me.


I can't sit here and dwell on this for hours at a time.  Maybe I need to go see someone and talk it out.  Then I do it.  Whatever the rate - I'm done.  I quit --which I've wanted to do for months-- I should rejoice and take advantage of it, instead of sitting here feeling crappy about it.