I'm A Good Listener

I'm a good listener. It has its drawbacks. When you're so darn good at listening (when it counts), people forget you might have something to say. I say a lot. I talk. But not always when it counts. Not always when my heart is bleeding and I need a band-aid.

This has been bothering me lately. The more I thought about it, though, the more I realized I should be grateful for my capacity to lend an ear. For the times when people have said, "You should be a counselor." Or thanked me. There were times when it was my own boss who said those words.

I felt good. Not a proud good, but a good feeling. I don't have tons of money, I don't have a lot of time. But I do have ears that can listen, empathize; a heart that can weep and encourage. 

To be able to give that away should be a blessing, not a curse. Today I am remaining thankful for that gift. 

There are parts of me that are good, but I've stuffed them down and rejected them and I'm not sure why. As much as I'd love to lose weight, be skinny and have the physical attributes I desire, I also want to find myself in the process. There are these small glimmers of hope that I can do that. I am ready to do that.

Joy First

I have cute sheets and a fluffy, cozy comforter.

Filtered water.

Healthy children.

A cold beer.

Burgers on the grill.

Air conditioning in my home.

A house full of things (that I might look at as clutter).

A job.

I have a lot to be thankful for and today I am choosing to focus on that.

Or... at least for this hour I am. :)

I Have No Friends

That doesn't sound good.
But it is true.

I really don't.

I have my husband, who I tell most everything to. There are positives and negatives to that. Positive, because we are close and I at least have one person to vent to. Negative because I start to see him as a girlfriend and not a husband.

I guess on the outside you would think I have a lot of friends. I have people I see regularly. I'm friendly, know people almost everywhere I go, can talk with almost everyone there is. Yet, when I have a moment when I want to pick up the phone, call someone and cry-- there's nobody to call.

I'm sure this is a burden for my husband, too. So as much as I wish I didn't have to talk to him about things, I'm sure he wishes the same, too. To some extent. Some of it (a lot really) is parenting stuff, which is good to discuss with your spouse.

My mother is there 50% of the time. If I call and really really need to vent to her, she'll listen. She'll be there. But she can be hot and cold about it. She's moved away, and phone conversations are nothing like face-to-face.

It's a sick position to be in. I feel entirely alone, even though there are people all around me.

I've lost a few pounds.


Ask me if I care. I do. I care. It would just be more discouragement if the scale were going up instead of slightly leaning downward. So that's a HUGE positive. I have so much discouragement in my life right now that I don't really need more.

If you've read this at all you'd know that I have ups and downs and fight depression a lot. This is one of those times. This is a time where I'd love to hole up with a bottle, pills or something and go into a coma for about a month.

(And lack thereof.)

I guess along with blessings come pain and trials. My finances are horrible. We can't keep up. School costs, food, gas, bills, cars... they are engulfing us. My husband will work extra just to make ends meet. Surely we aren't alone in that. I feel like a widow, going through all of this alone. I'm thankful for him taking on extra work, but I'm paralyzed by the overwhelming task of doing everything else.

It's not a good day today. My goal is to keep my head up. Period. That's it. To not jump off a cliff. To grasp the positive with bloody fingers, and not let it slip out of my hands.

I have family to worry about, kids to feed. A body of abundance, well fed and nourished. A car to drive to the store. A stove to cook dinner on. A bed to sleep in, washer to clean our clothes. Lotion to put on my dry skin. My mother is alive. 

My blessings are bountiful. My blessings are bountiful. My blessings... bountiful.