Stuffing Feelings With Healthy Food... Is It Better?

The last few days have been stressful. This time of year can bring on stress and blues, but it also seems that my family is never without some sort of mini-drama going on on any given day.

Today the mini-drama was a health concern of one of my children that turned out to be a less than ideal diagnosis. Basically, he plays sports, and he contacted herpes from one of his teammates (or opponents). It is better than MRSA, the nurse told me, and also told me it was incredibly common.

Thanks. Still doesn't help. Still need to grieve a bit in my own weird way. Lifelong issue plays over and over in my head. I can think of a million lifelong issues that could be more painful. But there is also a stigma around this one. So I grieve a bit about that, and about... all of it, I guess.

My husband, as I said yesterday, has been working a lot of hours. So I've been riding this boat without him for the last few days. I've phoned and emailed him more times than are appropriate during this time, too. About the herpes, about our other child who continues to fester on creating drama. About parenting issues that I'm having a hard time tackling alone, unable to wait up and have a coherent conversation in the late hour that he gets home.

I feel like part of it is ME. The way I perceive life, the way I take things in. Possibly. I don't know if someone else would cope better with my life. The financial woes, the defiant child who I have PTSD from. I don't know where the scale tipped and I began to function day to day, but I haven't been able to reel back in from it.

Nobody would realize the agony that plagues me sometimes. I don't think they see that, and that is good. I worry that my kids see it manifest, though. I hate that.

Today I did pretty good with eating. Yesterday, too. I stayed within my calorie budget. Went to bed without having one more ________ -- something I wasn't sure I could do. Today I budgeted my calories lighter in the beginning of the day so I could heavy out in the evening since it was Friday and I want to snack.

Then I got hit with some drama. My chest tightened, my diaphragm raised. I just wanted to get home to my wine and my food and my bed and my computer.

I think I might be having some PMS, too.

I came home and tried to figure out how to maximize every calorie that went into my mouth so I could afford as much as possible. I did it. I am satisfied. But I can't help but notice I ate with a vengance. I gobbled and stuffed and fed my feelings -- on healthy food. On good choices.'

I kept the same pattern. I don't know if that's any better.

I Don't Know If Indulging Is Good

Cheat Days

Are they really a good thing?

Maybe a day. But any more than that, and trouble starts.

Today I'm feeling a bit frustrated. I'm feeling that skin-jumping feeling I often have when I'm "detoxing" from a day or two off.

There is something liberating about eating whatever you want, even in semi-moderation. No time spend logging, no worries about what I'm putting in a recipe, just not... worrying about.

But when I do that, especially in consecutive days/weeks/months, then the worry shifts to what I'm going to wear, how I don't feel comfortable in anything - not even my own body. So I guess the momentary feelings of discomfort win out.

I guess.

They do, they do.

Nobody said it was going to be easy.

I just wish that there weren't so many difficult corners to turn.

Today was my first day back to work. There's so much I haven't gotten done. We were snowed in a few days before Christmas, and that set me back. My husbands working all kinds of overtime so we can keep up on the bills - so I'm basically at single mom status with everyone at home. Paying bills, trying to make dinners.

I don't feel good. I feel edgy, jumpy, irritated. I feel like yelling at everyone, hibernating in my bed with a bottle of wine and something fatty, salty, and sweet. I feel like doing everything I know is wrong to make myself feel better.

Cookies make me feel better. Salty, gooey, sticky, greasy, alcohol... all that makes me feel better. Even if it is only for a few moments.

My bar (for myself) is set lower. Low. I know there are people who lie in bed and won't leave the house - and then there are high functioning people who get gifts out on time, and have money, get out to exercise, raise stable kids, and have a nice circle of friends.

I'm neither of those. I'm in between. I'm sick of feeling the way I do, with bouts of joy between the misery. I really am. When it's good, it's good, and when it's awful - it's really awful.

Right now every single bump in the house - just normal sounds kids make - sets my heart scattering. I'm on needles, pins and needles. I hate feeling like this. It makes me wonder if it is part of me not having my food and dealing with my emotions.

I just don't know.

Post-Christmas Hangover

Christmas has come and gone.
I had a difficult time staying on track. I knew what I was doing, and was conscious of it - but was too busy and stressed to care.

I gained 2 pounds, from what I can tell. I'm not happy about it, but I'm not destroyed over it.
I'm done over indulging, though - or done not tracking my calories.

It will be hard come New Year's Eve, since we always have a party. That might not be a great calorie day for me, either. But I will make it ONE day.

The hardest part is getting your body - and taste buds - re-regulated after a splurge. I don't think I consumed as many sweets as I have in the past because my taste buds don't need/want sweets as much. I made all baked goods small (or regular size). My bars were small, probably 1/4 maybe even 1/8 of Starbucks size. They were perfect. I feel like that was a "win" to have retrained my brain on what portion sizes are appropriate. But, after having a few, it's going to be a killer couple days detoxing from the sweets.

When your body is craving sweets and carbs, it can be murder. That's the hardest part. That might be the reason to not indulge - the aftermath. Not just the calories our pounds gained, but taking steps back in cravings.

I weighed myself today and I was 276 - two pounds up. I worked so hard for those two pounds, and now I need to work again. God, grant me the strength.

274: Slow Going

It is slowly going, but it is going.


I'm on track, but the holidays are throwing me off. Well, I'm letting the occasions throw me off. I didn't track twice this week, and one day was a lot of guesses. If I were exercising  I might have gone down more, but I rarely exercise right now (conscious choice).

One pound is good. I started December at 275, hopefully I can leave it at 273 or below. Any more would be really pushing it for me, I think.

Back to exercise - I don't really have a good reason for not doing it, besides simply feeling overloaded and exhausted. However, I did get some lab work back and my iron is apparently low. I need a supplement. Maybe that has some to do with me feeling a bit sluggish - maybe not. But I will take the supplement and see.

Other than that, onward and upward. Have a great week.

Motivation... Why Hello, There You Are

I thought I'd lost my motivation.
I don't know why. Brain playing tricks on me.

I had a very busy couple of weeks, and here we are in the space between Thanksgiving and Christmas. What I was expecting, I don't know.

A few days I've been too busy to track my food, and that's a tool that has proven useful for me. It is useful because it is a strong indicator of what I've taking into my body, and it holds me accountable. I'm realizing that the daily tracking carries over to help me on my days where I am unable to.

The more I track, the more I educate myself and reinforce the boundaries of what exactly my body needs to function, to lose, and what is too much.

What gets hard for me is when I lose that "crutch" and have to kind of wander the wilderness without it. It frustrates me a bit, and plays with my head.

The days I'm so busy that my tracking can't be done - or isn't perfection - leave me feeling like it was a fail day. If I'm on vacation and can't get to a place where they have internet so I can track my foods - I have my own mini breakdown (on the inside). I am out of sorts without my SparkPeople. Why oh why can't there be an app that can run without internet?

So far I haven't completely blown it. But I teeter just a bit. I can feel it. I don't like that I'm so married to an app. I really don't. But... some people are married to the gym and if they don't hit that (bike/weights/treadmill) they feel incomplete. It isn't just that feeling of being incomplete for me, it is more the concern that that feeling will lead me into a pitfall.

It is the one sip for the alcoholic.
The one flirt for the incurable cheater.
The sneaked cigarette for the smoker.

Right now (and maybe forever or a very long time), I need to be accountable. I know my weaknesses, and I know that tracking my food has been IMPLEMENTAL in my weight loss. I'm not saying I like it, enjoy it, or hope to do it foreverandever. I like to dream that someday I will just know my limits. That might just be dreaming.

I also know that my strict black-and-white policies that I set for myself don't allow for a lot of wiggle room, and are also probably not the healthiest approach at all times. One bad day doesn't have to be a set up for a bad weekend or week. I am learning that. Or I am able to cope a bit better at that. I am able to cope a bit better with not losing one week. Mainly that is because right now I'm so freaking happy with the fact that I'm in a better place than I was.

Today I weighed myself and I had to repeat it because I was at 274. I often weigh back in on Wednesday and sometimes Friday. At any rate, I hope that sticks. I'd love to hit 269 in the next month. It won't be easy with all the eating and gatherings to go to, but we shall see. Again, this is why I'm semi-happy with just maintaining. Most people (including myself) expect to gain over the holidays.

275 - Why Don't Fatties Just Get It?

It has been a busy week (or couple of weeks) and my weight hasn't done much. That's probably a good thing, though I'd rather say I was so busy I forgot to eat and (YAY) I lost weight, but maintaining is good too.

Actually, I guess I lost a pound since the last check-in. Good for me.

I haven't done great on eating, but I haven't gone off the wagon - I guess that is what the scale shows.

But I have to reiterate to myself: I FEEL FANTASTIC IN MY SKIN

Maybe not literally "fantastic" but I feel so much better in my clothes. So. Much. Better.

It is good to be back here. This 20 pounds make a huge difference in the way my clothes feel. I'm curious what another 20 will do. I'd really like to know, so I have to get back on track. I'm still 10 pounds away from my lowest low, and I want to break through that.

I'm going to get some bloodwork done to see if there's anything going on with me (polycystic ovaries, blood sugar issues), so that should be interesting. It's something I've needed to do for a while. I don't know if that has any issue with me having such a difficult time losing weight, but better to know than to ignore.

I do have to admit a little disappointment when they aim me at a nutritionist. Years and years of being overweight and battling my weight has nearly made me a nutritionist. It isn't nutrition for me that is an issue. It is my head, my heart. I've been to a nutritionist and it was a waste of time. It was one more (thin) person looking at me, thinking if I'd only eat right I wouldn't be a cow. I don't need to hear or experience that any more than I already have in my life - (some) thin people that think they have something over the fat people of the world because they've never had a weight issue.

I'm not trying to bash on thin people. But there's something in some of them that will never understand the BATTLE. Not to take away from the hard work that many people do in the gyms. There are plenty of thin people that work their butts off, and I salute them. Go thin people of the world.

It's like having a balance of $1000 in your checkbook, keeping the same income and expenses, and maintaining that amount. (thin people)


Having $500 in your checkbook, trying to reach $1000, but getting paid less and having to work more. (fat people)

The thin people think they have the formula, and wonder what is SO WRONG with the fatties that can't simply get it.

This didn't start off with a rant, but it seems to be ending on one. When I started thinking about my experience with nutritionists, it hit a nerve. My doctor telling me that brown rice and whole grains are better than white rice and white breads, that hit a nerve.

...Backing off this track. It's Monday and I want to start it off right. My clothes fit well, I'm still going at it. Results will come. I'm doing good.