I Lost 5 Pounds, And I Think I Like It

Well, the Wii Fit says 5, but it's really 4 since my last weigh in.

I said I "think" I like it because I have a hard time mentally with this kind of stuff. Like, I have 2 scales, so I needed to make 1 official. I chose the Wii Fit because it seems to be more accurate than the shipping scale that needs new batteries. (My shipping scale is about the same, by 2 pounds) But I get weird. Like, I see the scale says I lost weight, but then I worry. I don't want to commit to it, because what if it's wrong, or what if something else..?

It's ridiculous.

I'm weird, and I know this.

So I'm happy on one hand, but then other the other I'm waiting for the shoe to drop, the motivation to leave, the plateau to lock in.

I'm 10 pounds down from when I first started really keeping track. I don't feel much different. My body felt different at the 279, I remember that. I have clothes from that point (the shirts were smaller). But right now I'm still feeling like I fit in my fatty clothes. My belly is a big issue. I haven't been toning or anything, or doing many situps, but my husband says that's my next step. Until I hit 279, I won't believe really that I can "do it." 6 more pounds to go. For some reason I need to hit that mark, as my brain is telling me I've achieved nothing until I do.

If I stay the course, I can do that by May. God willing.

Oh How I Wanted A Nutella On Toast

Today has been a frustrating day. I was frustrated at the daily stress of managing a household, working, and simply struggling to get through the day. I'll spare all of the particulars, but bottom line was, at the end of the day, all I wanted was a Nutella on toast.

After running here, running there, disappointments and frustrations, I got the kids in bed and sat down to eat my pre-packaged, less-than-300-calorie meal. I counted up my leftover calories, and figure I have more than enough for a nice piece of wheat bread, toasted warm and slathered with the creamy, nutty, chocolately sweet goodness that is Nutella.

The more I wanted it, the more I became frustrated with myself. I wanted, needed and DESERVED to treat myself, didn't I? I could almost taste it.

I opened the fridge and thought a beer sounded dandy, too.

I admitted to myself that I was not hungry and I was totally in the midst of an emotionally-charged eating crisis. And I felt like punching myself in the face, disgusted.

I brushed my teeth.

I connected with God.

And I avoided a Nutella on Toast today.


Something interesting to note.

A coworker was telling me about a friend of hers who stopped drinking all liquids besides water for Lent. No coffee, soda, beer, wine, juice. Just water. And guess what?

She loses weight. 10 pounds so far.

Don't worry, I'll try not to get hysterical. So as my coworker is telling me this I'm thinking in my head how I've been counting calories and exercising, refocusing, being thoughtful... and have lost, well. Less than TEN POUNDS. My eye started twitching a bit, and my smile felt like a tight rubber band, ready to snap. My throat began forming words that had no way of coming out kind.

I continued to hold my grimace, "oooh-aaahed" at the fact that this person had simply given up drinking water, and WOW!? - then blurted something about how I could not believe that people are so ignorant to consume half of their daily caloric intake in liquids and totally NOT REALIZE IT. And then I remembered that, I may be fat on the outside, but I'm probably about as nutty as a food-conscious anorexic on the inside.

I'm not a "oops, I drank 1000 calories of Mountain Dew a day" fatty. I'm an "emotional-eater, obsess-about-food, body-likes-me-plump" fatty. I actually eat healthy. Healthier than anyone else I know (and I'm bigger than them). My body/brain likes to be fat, and works to keep me there. I don't sit on the kitchen floor with 5 chickens, a liter of soda and a tray of Oreos, eat it in 5 minutes, and then cry about it.

I don't really know why I'm saying this all, besides the fact that I'm on my period and sometimes I lose my grace a bit. But come on, now.

I get the part that she said that certain things don't taste the same when you're drinking water, so you're less prone to eat them. So instead of having a soda and pizza, she'd drink water and eat less pizza. Instead of a tea at night, she'd drink water and go for a walk. I'll give her credit for that. And I'll slap her upside the head for not realizing that drinking a mochachochafattywattylatte three times daily can probably keep you in your fat pants. Duh.

Better in BETA, and Over-using "Airquotes"

Sunday is my "free" day. I don't know why I say that, because I'm not really on any "program" or anything. I've just mentally put myself in this weird "BETA" mode of fitness and health. Like I said, it all started with Lent. And Sunday is a day where that you can break your "fast" if you choose. Interestingly enough I haven't really went on a "binger" (I'm totally just over-using the whole "quote" thing now I hope you know - imagine "airquotes").

I didn't "officially" start my fast at the onset of Lent, and I really don't like/want to discuss it too much because it is personal. But since we're friends, I'll share a little bits regarding my fast from bakery items/sweets/desserts. It started out rough, but is now very easy. My cravings are way down, but the habit remains (example: St. Patrick's Day dinner, being handed a cupcake, and accepting it out of habit... or automatically eyeing up the bakery items when I'm buying a coffee).

Last Sunday I had ice cream; this Sunday I did the same. It was nice, but a lot. I'm just not accustomed to all the sugar. I felt doped-up after eating it. But enjoyed it. Wasted a lot of calories on it, but whatever.

So, what I'm actually getting at is that today I took the kids to a movie. Got popcorn. I didn't completely deny myself because I wasn't sure that would be the best bet. But I got a little junior-sized portion with no butter and extra salt. It was a far, far cry from my regular butter-soaked bucket that I normally eat. Normally I'd have eaten more popcorn than I did today and would have tripled the calories with extra butter on top. So, hey. Go me.

I went for a walk, too. And later (gosh, what a day of JUNK) we ordered pizza, and I didn't eat it right away out of "habit" but instead waited until I had the kids in bed, and then grabbed 1 piece (rather than 3), ate it, and was done with it. No beer (even though I could have - I instead decided to just drink water) Followed it up with a grapefruit topped off with some Sun Crystals, and called it a day. It was not a stellar day, but it is a slow continuum of a more thoughtful, intentional way of nourishing my body. I journalled every bite.

Step In The Right Direction

I did OK last night.

Wha-Whaaat?! Raise the roof, raise the roof.

I stayed within my caloric limit last night. I'm not sure how. Convinced that the calculations are wrong... I'm not saying I ate the best foods, or that the 3 Guinness beers aren't going to congregate amongst my mid-section and hang out a little longer than another calorie-comparable food. But that's OK. I went for a long, long walk, which should counteract the nibbles I had with my last beer, and should have increased my metabolism for a while.

I actually thought more about what I put in my mouth, and that's a step in the right direction.

I don't know how some times in my life it seems to fit so good to be more thoughtful on my eating and fitness, and then other times I just flat out don't care.

I don't know, but, by the grace of God, I am grateful for the reprieve of being a slave to food. It is exhausting.

Soda Drinkers

Excuse me while I rant a bit.

You know what ruffles my feathers? Is when I hear someone say, " I lost 40 pounds and, you know, I really haven't have to modify my diet very much yet. Basically, I just stopped drinking soda and the weight melted right off."

That's some crazy stuff. That's not a "weight issue" that's seriously an educational issue. If you're drinking so much sugared soda that your body packs on over 40-pounds of weight? I mean, more power to ya - it's a simple change that makes a BIG impact. I wish my problems were that easy. I can't even tell you the last time I drank a full-on, sugared soda. My mom had my pudgy butt sucking down the first sugar-free sodas that made your feet turn to flippers from the corrosive chemicals they contained. That's not even on my radar anymore. It's not an option.

Don't hate the player, hate the game. I know, I know. I'm not hating on you soda drinkers that are shown the light. OK, maybe a teeny bit.

- - -

On another note, I'm still in the semi-obsessive start-zone of getting my fitness back on track, so I'm finding myself on the scale more than I normally do. I will note that my Wii Fit (which I use, along with my shipping scale) weighed me in at 289.something. Which would mean I've lost 2 pounds (question mark, question mark, exclamation point). I'm aware that weight fluctuates throughout the day. But I'm pretty positive that I will make and pass that weight, so I'm trying not to worry about it (by "worry" I mean, lend myself to being concerned that come next weigh-in it will have all been a fluctuating lie and I will weigh 300 pounds again).

At any rate, Happy St. Patty's Day.

Processed Food Diet

Little rice cakes, lean Hot Pockets, breakfast shakes, 100-calorie popcorn...

And a Guinness beer. For the 2nd night in a row. If that's wrong, I just don't wanna be right. OK, maybe I do, but I'm having a hard time of it. Guinness gives me the most pack for the least punch, and I would like a beer every now and then. I'm worried, though, that even if I stay within my caloric intake, the beer is going to stagnate my weight loss. Has happened before.

I did take two (count 'em) two walks. And now I will go eat a salad to get my greens on.

I love that there's these low-calorie options out there, but I also feel like I'm eating the word "processed" with a capitol P. It might be what I need right now to keep things simple, and to stay on track. But my longer term goal would be to eat simpler (read: less-processed) foods, in moderation that still allows for a healthier way of being.

For the record: I did not buy the pre-packaged 100-calorie snacks. I bought the BIG bag and divided them up into the portions myself. I mean, come on now. Why am I going to pay all that just to have it in those little packages (if I don't have to)?

Two Blogs in One Day

I'm hungry. Has been the case the past week. The only day I didn't feel pangs of hunger was the day I went and ate out and gorged (well, not "off-the-wagon" kind of gorge, though). I look at the food I've eaten and it seems like a decent amount. I could just tuck it in and not eat, bank up the calories.

But I don't think I'm there yet.

I worry if I get too severe on myself I will suddenly detach my jaw like a python and swallow the kitchen in one fell swoop. And then move on to take-out.

So I think I'll have a bowl of cereal or something. Stay within my limits, but use every calorie I'm allotted (which right now is 2300, give or take a little bit).

Weighing Everything, Including Myself

I don't trust the scale. I weigh in on 2 different scales. Maybe it is a mind game I play with myself, or maybe it is because one of my scales is too inconsistent for me. So the scale I've been weighing in on for months says I'm down to 291. I like it... but it makes me nervous. Because the other scale reads in 2 pounds heavier. I have to get over it and just use one and forget the other.

Get over it. Get over it. I digress and obsess, though. But need to remind myself that I'm looking at a way too narrow picture. Pound-by-pound weight loss is such a narrow view. When I get hung up on it I begin to sabotage myself.

So instead I'll focus on the BIGGER picture: last week I journaled every food that went into my mouth. Monday through Friday I stayed within my limits, Saturday I broke even and Sunday I went over. But I didn't lie to myself about what I was eating and I was much more thoughtful on what I put into my mouth, why and when.

It wasn't easy, either. There were times when I'd be disappointed with having to see how many calories I had left. But I need to know these things. I've tracked points and carbs before, which was helpful. But tracking calories along with that paints a different picture. It's harder than carbs and points, I think, but it gives a broader scope.

So I'm going to continue tracking this week as well. It is going to be a challenge because I have 3 social-eating events coming up (St. Patty's Day, Book Club, and a night out with friends on Saturday). I'll want to have wine, I'll want to have snacks... and I'll have to remember everything I put in my mouth. I'm hoping that being really good on the other days, diligently getting out for a walk, etc. will enable me to still lose weight, or at least maintain. I'm going to try not to sweat it too much, but I'm also going to try to remind myself to be thoughtful of my eating.

Another "lesson" I'm learning - WEIGH EVERYTHING. I had some Annie Chun's yesterday--yummy, easy Asian meals-- and eyeballed the allotted 1/3 of a box (the serving size). I think I even low-balled it, really, since I made 2 boxes and fed 4 of us last night, but still have at least an entire box left. So this morning I went to have some of the leftovers for lunch but this time I decided to weigh out the actual 77g of noodles.

What a difference weighing makes.

The 77g of noodles in my bowl was nearly nothing. By weighing the amount, I realized that I would really like/need 1.5 servings. I'll have to track that as such. I know this is no new news to most people, and not even myself. It was a good reminder.

Have a great day!!!

Hello, Old Friend

I know. It has been a while. Funny the world. Sadly, I have not done much blogging, not here anyway. Well, not anywhere, actually.

Fantastically, I'm right where I need to be. I've not fallen off the wagon (though I've come close). I'm not walking every day. I'll admit that. But I am still doing my daily Bible readings. So, hey. I'm here.

Lent brought on some introspection for me, as I focused on my eating and the lack of discipline I have in that area. The thoughtfulness turned me to SparkPeople, and I've been tracking my food diligently for the past few days. Denying myself abandon with something I lso dearly love and rely on is not easy. But it was good (and necessary) for me to do.

First it was just desserts. Not all sweets, just simply bakery items (cookies, cakes, bars) -- the "extra" lovies I pick up when I go for coffee or eat out. Finishing with a sweet, buttery, salty, fatty (something) is habit to a fault. I will supplement my diet simply to eat a sweet. Like, I'll want a morning bun so I'll scramble some eggs to eat with it to lower the glycemic blow. What?! Yes. Seriously.

So then that rolled into tracking my food intake, which I felt inspired to do one day - not for any reason. It hasn't been long (only 5 days), but it is an excellent way to take a snapshot of my eating behaviors, making me more conscious of what I'm doing. I like it better than paper journaling at this point because I can track so much more (calories, fats) without much work. I'm not saying it's forever, but I am saying it's for now.

I lost a pound or two. Last I remember was hovering at 295, staggering towards 300 at times, but maintaining a pretty steady 295. I weighed in on my Wii the other day and was 293. How badly I want to get down below 290 right now. How badly I want to be able to fit the clothes I wore 2 (3?) summers ago (and looked so cute in). It was only 10 pounds away. I can get there, 10 pounds. If I really tried maybe I could get there in a month?

Day by day by day. When I think it it seems so easy. But when I do it, minute by minute - it is really hard. And weight doesn't come off so easily right now. But anyway. I was just checking in. With myself, probably, 'cause there's a lot of fat people dropping like flies.