Despite How Crappy I Feel, I Worked Out

I cracked my Bible.
I read a Psalm.
I read a bit of Job.
I put on my sneakers.
I went to the place I hate.
I got on the treadmill.
I sweated my butt off for 30 minutes (for my body and my mind).
I went and stretched my achy arms from toning the other day.
I left.

I did it. That's all.
I think it's a non-scale victory.


Feeding The Addiction

I'm having a hard time not cheating.

I want everything I can't have. It's frustrating.

I want pizza.
I want texture more than taste. It isn't sweets I crave (they all taste too sweet), but I crave the sweet salty chewy crunchy soft texture of the cookie bars I made.

Cheese, eggs, whipped cream, meat, vegetables - they're missing the texture that grains give you.

The chewy yeast of bread. The sweet salty.

I'm going through something, and it happens.

I went to my doctor. She had nothing. Nothing but words. Words like:

It's hard. A lifelong struggle.
That's why we're trying to stop kids young from getting obese, so they don't have to deal with the horrors of losing weight.
Once your body spends a considerable amount of time at a certain weight it struggles to stay there, no matter where you're at.
Your body is struggling. It's accustomed to being out of whack, being super obese, eating thousands of calories. Damaged. You're asking it to go without and it doesn't want to. You're asking it to stabilize after changing it significantly. It doesn't want to. So, you're "normal" might feel extreme. Your blood sugar is normal - but your body feels it as abnormal.
It's so hard.
You're probably depressed at a life you can't live anymore - even if it was uncomfortable. It was your normal, and it's not anymore. Even if you feel better in your clothes, you're making a sacrifice of what your lifestyle was before and that in itself can feel depressing for a while.

Literally every single word of what she was saying makes sense. All of it. It's the bottom line that sucks.

The bottom line that there's no medicine that can help me. There's nothing "wrong" with me that can be fixed. It's as hard as having an addiction to a pill, but that pill I still have to swallow each day - but not too many.

I have to take what I'm addicted to, I just can't overdose or I'll suffer the consequences.

Food makes me feel a certain way. If I could eat intuitively, I'd be fine. But I don't. I eat and my brain kicks off in ways that aren't normal. Even if it's not happening, it's there, bubbling below the surface.

I wish a lot of things. I'd almost rather be addicted to pills or something that didn't make me fat. Something I could abstain from and not have to have. It's impossible to have this addiction to something that comes in numerous forms, tastes good, and in the end I HAVE TO HAVE TO SURVIVE.

A kid in a candy store. Two pieces, that's it.
An addict with a mountain of cocaine in front of her. One sniff, no more.
A gambler in a casino. Two rolls of the dice and you're done. Once every four hours. No more.
A sex addict in a pornography shop.

She prescribed Prozac for my PMS. The band-aid for disasters.

When things are good, they are decent. I'm able to beat this, and lose weight. But when they're bad, it's on the tip of my brain, festering every second, and my daily life is affected. My work. My home. My family. My friends. My inability to DO. To stay afloat.

I hope this passes, as it does sometimes, and I'm able to get back on the ride, lose some more weight. But right now all I want to do is shove my face like you don't even know how badly. It sucks.

Working Out For Health, Not Weight Loss

I haven't been to the gym in a month. No real reason behind it, I just haven't been there.

Well, I mean, besides the fact that I HATE it. That's probably part of it. I haven't been intentionally moving, though, as much. I go on my walks - but not with the frequency that I should.

Today I went, and told myself 30 minutes. For health. I can do it.

I dropped the kids off at practice, already decked out in my tennis shoes, armed with a water bottle. I'd already tried to talk myself out of it a few times, but was determined.

I made it. Did my treadmill workout - a decent one. Not the 3 miles that I've done, but a good one where I got my heart rate up and was pouring with sweat. 40 minutes total, but 5 of that was warm-up. Then I hit triceps, biceps and a little back, stretched, and was out of there within about an hour. Not too bad.

I had to race home, hop in the shower and rush through my hair routine to get back to get the kids - and I was tired. Working out tires me out, it doesn't really energize me. But it is good for my brain, heart, eyes, mind... everything. And that's what I need to remember - even over weight loss.

I'm going to my doctor today to talk to her about my horrible PMS symptoms. I'm trying not to feel negatively about it, but I'm not very hopeful that I will get answers that will help.

Maintain Maintain


My week went pretty good. I haven't lost. I've maintained. That's OK. I wasn't tracking or weighing so I consider that a partial victory.

I had a couple drinks during the week, but nothing exciting. Maybe it was one.

I had a few this weekend, though, and even if it's a drink a night, I know that it shows up on the scale. I can't really lose and indulge very much. I do notice that I can sub out a Zevia soda and be almost as content most times, so it's a bit of a habit, and a bit of the need for a sweet treat I think. Usually if I have a drink at night (lately) it is a glass of wine or one of my low-carb cocktail inventions. Maybe in maintenance that would work, but I'm sure it's stalling/road-blocking me from moving.

I also made an appointment with my doctor to discuss the ratchet PMS symptoms I've been having, and to see if there is anything I can do to avoid them.

Because I did see a little movement on the scale last week, I aim to have a good week this week and be accountable. There's no way I'm making my goal, but I do want to see things start moving again. I'm ready. I don't feel the "newness" and excitement in my body anymore. I feel 250 pounds of Big Momma. I'd like to feel that newness again. It felt really good.

Help Me Through This Week

Each week presents its own challenge. This one is moving my kid back to college.
School shopping.

Emotions. That's what it is.

I don't mind the kids going back to school, but I also love having my kids around. I'm not excited about my college-aged kid leaving again, because I know that some day he'll be out on his own and I won't have him here eating dinners, taking showers, sleeping under the same roof as us. I know that will be true eventually for all of them, and I'm not looking forward to it. I really cherish these times.

This weekend we went to the park and just watched our big kids hang out with each other. If I could have stopped the world and hung out at that place in time for infinity, I'd be content.

Life is a racing train and there's times you want it to speed up, and others when you're hitting the brakes trying desperately to slow it down.

I'm doing better. I'm hanging in there. I'm not as sharp-edged, angry, quick-tempered as I was a week ago. I need to talk to my doctor about this PMS as soon as possible. It's so horrible. Awful. When I'm not feeling that way, I look back and kind of shudder at how horrible it feels.

Still, emotions are what often drives me. Drives my food/eating, my exercising or non-exercising.

I've slacked off a lot. Not tracked my calories or water, not intentional exercised. This week I have to push myself to keep on track. To gain would make me miserable. I don't want that to happen. I've been keeping pretty low-carb and on track that way, but have let a few things pass my lips I shouldn't have - but I brought my own food to my girl's dinner, and didn't cheat there. Victory.

I also slipped and had a 1/2 a beer. It's been MONTHS since I've had a beer. But that 1/2 beer was enough. It was tasty, and then I moved on to my Zevia cola. I was happy about that. I made a point to myself NOT to be drinking - not to celebrate, and not to numb pain. Whatever I'm feeling, I want to feel. I had a few glasses of wine at my girls' dinner, so I really didn't need to be having anything again the next night.

I don't have any lofty goals right now besides simply wanting to make it through the week with grace. I want to walk. I want to eat right. I want to keep my composure and not lose it when I drop my kid off at school. I want to not be nervous and anxious and worried.

I plan to read my Bible more this week and lean on that rather than my food and my drinks. I plan to focus on the blessings in front of me. I do have many.

Anyway, I'm OK. I'm hanging in there, and trying to refocus myself.  I'm not saying things have gone from crappy to perfect - but I'm trying to catch myself.

Grasping Hair, Don't Care - God Must Be Putting Me On Mute

Yeah, that's a wordplay on the "Long Hair, Don't Care" thing. Get it?

I didn't know if Ripping Hair Out sounded good.

And I honestly don't know if anyone out there (besides sweet, dear Lori) can stand to read this blog anymore as I spin down the toilet hole of depression and insanity. Train wrecks are fun to watch, right?

I'm being serious but not, seriously. Serious.

I don't feel a complete snap back to 290 coming, but I do feel a reckoning. I'm so freaking FIGHTING with myself right now it's not even funny. Today I started out well, but then... gosh, it's like almost humorous the crap that's been happening.

Money-wise, we're kind of in the dumps. I already mentioned how I dipped into our savings to pay for some car repairs? On top of that the kids go back to school and I don't know if you know it, but school fees are OUT OF THIS WORLD RIDICULOUS. And our kids go to public school. It's a shame.

Last year we qualified for reduced lunch, but I just don't see that happening this year. It was skin of our teeth last year.

I just won't go into all the details, but we've incurred another expense that I have no clue how we are going to pay. I got that news today and ended up sobbing in the shower, in the car to get groceries, and then on the bed while the kids obliviously carried groceries up the stairs.

Crying does help sometimes.

I prayed, but I'm pretty sure God put me on mute today. Whiny, and foul-mouthed is what I am. I tried to just pray, and pray solid, straight-forward, sharing my life with God - and NOT SWEARING. But they kept creeping in my head and it was just bad. Bad, bad, I tell you.

There are times when I figure the reason I'm not suicidal or dead is because God's still got some work to do with me. I joke, but I don't.  I was in a daze driving home, wanting to just fall asleep through the next couple weeks and not deal with the things that are coming my way. Just sleep.

It's horrible, and that's not a way to live life.

Something has got to give, and it's got to be me.

This is all part of this food stuff, wrapped up, but just labeled differently. I know this. As I shoved cheese in my mouth today and washed it down with vodka, it was clear to me. I am well aware of stuffing my feelings with food, with alcohol when I choose. Neither are good. It's not healthy. It's a form of self-destructiveness and self-abuse. I have to stop doing it. I have to slap my own face into submission and move in the direction I was.

It's a process and I was a fool to think it would be anything but.

Glutton For Punishment

I broke out the Russell Stovers again. And wine.

This monthly visitor hit me kinda hard. I know I'll be paying for this in about an hour. Me, and everyone else in my household. Sadface.

I only had 3. The serving size is 2. I'm learning. The horse has been led to the water, it is thirsty - it just... isn't drinking.

I've been hanging in there. Eating OK. Been a bit broke, and there's not much around here, so I've been eating peanutbutter doused with sugar free syrup off a spoon. Yogurt. Eggs. Things like that. I need to go shopping, but I literally drained our checking account to pay bills, and dipped into savings to pay for school supplies.

In my late-night dip into the local store to get some work gloves, I snagged some fake candy from the shelf, too.

In other news I sent an email that I think I regret sending. To the main people on our PTA. I think they took it the wrong way, and you can't really take back an email.

I haven't walked much in the last few days, so I'm certain that I'll be choking on the fat surrounding my heart at any day now.


Does anyone have a book recommendation for me? I like to listen to them, but also like to read them. If I have them to listen to, it helps a walk go faster. I just finished Ape House, and liked that a lot. Any suggestions?


I'm doing a bit better. But my better still feels pretty nasty. Lori, your'e right - I need to talk to my doctor. I have a wonderful gynecologist, and that's where I'll go. Hopefully she has some advice. I don't want this part of me to be the part that sticks in my family's head.

I haven't been doing so well on the tracking of my foods, but I've been doing OK on keeping my steps above 5000. Right now that's an accomplishment for me.

After balancing the checkbook last night, though, I've had a pain in my chest that won't leave (not heart attack pain, but muscle tense). My head keeps going to the back to school bills that will be mounting soon. I can't even really think about it. I don't know what to do. A year ago I asked, begged my husband to take over the bill paying. I've done it since we've been married and I really need to not do it anymore. It causes me too much of an issue.

I wrote out the dates, websites, passwords, everything so he could pay them  - which he said he would.

I'm still paying the bills.

I hate it.

Did I say I hated it? I did? OK thanks.

One thing that doesn't help me in this weight loss (I say "loss" because I have more to lose, even though I don't seem to be doing that lately) is the tracking. It's time consuming. My mother always made recipes off of what she had in the kitchen - one of the ways she was frugal. I carried on that tradition with my own home - however it doesn't always lend itself to throwing the recipe in a calculator. Sometimes I don't have the time or desire. After a long day I don't want to have to sit down and hammer out what I can remember into a calculator and try to figure out what I've eaten. If that happens too many times a week, though, it could throw me off track.

I need to find a place that is livable, though. I'm not sure where that happy medium is right now. Not tracking I won't lose weight. Trying to track, though, drives me insane.

Hot Mess Feeling Very Alone

I'm pretty sure it's hormonal, but there's just no way to say. I've not been doing well lately. Not with anything. Mainly it stems from my emotions. I just flat out haven't been feeling well. Overwhelmed emotionally and life-wise.

Too much.

There's always too much.

I've been going through a battery of medical tests - OK not a "battery" but the basics, really. I went to the Endo, and my thyroid tests were off, as well as my prolactin. The second result showed my prolactin was fine, but my thyroid was still a bit abnormal. I'm to retest again in 2 months.

That's all fine and dandy, but it makes me wonder a bit if the results were high (prolactin) because I was pre-menstrual. And if that happens every month, couldn't that be part of my PMS? I asked this and she replied that it was from direct nipple stimulation. I told her I hadn't done that, and she replied that it was was it was from. I asserted that I had not done that, and she threw her hands up.

A five minute google search will tell you:
Some woman with PMS have elevated prolactin levels, [6]while others appear to be over sensitive to normal levels.  (site)

Hmm. I understand medicine is always changing, and it's hard to keep on top of it - but it pisses me off when doctors - especially a SPECIALIST - rakes in gobs of money to sit on their hands and give flippant answers to their patients.

I go in waves of feeling better, doing well, and then I feel like I hit rock bottom again and I want to go crawl into a ball at my doctor's feet. But nothing seems to help this (depression/anxiety). I go on a pill and it helps for a while, and then it doesn't - or I gain weight, which is almost as bad as being depressed.

The PMS stuff is really starting to kill me. I feel awful, murderous, and so completely SAD. If it lands at a time where I'm paying bills, or have conflict in my family it feels so oppressive I can't even explain it. I play The Listener to all my friends, and don't really have a single one that I can call and have listen to me. Isn't that sad? My husband listens, to an extent - but then his answer is, "The doctor said your tests are fine - what do you want, something to be wrong?"

He doesn't get it. He's not ever been depressed or had anxiety and I'm not all trying to act like woe is me and my life-is-the-hardest-of-them-all-contest, but I just wish someone understood, or listened, or supported. I feel very alone.

He tries.

I try.

I just want to make it through this month and hold it together. That sounds awful, but I do think the kids being back in school will help.

I really hate this. I do. I wish I could change it. I must be a miserable mom, wife, and blogger who is so whiny and unhappy at times.

I wish I could change. I feel like a waste of space sometimes. I know I'm not - but that's what my head tells me in times like these. It is humbling. If I were a completely happy person I would probably be even more sickening to be around.

Right now on the tip of my head is a family member who struggles with mental health AODA issues, and some strife between us. I'm longing for a relationship that isn't there, and it really truly kills me at times. It's been a very long, difficult road with this person, and it's left a black charred scar right on my heart.

As crappy as I feel, I want to leave with a bit of joy rather than sadness. I'll list 5 good things:

1.  Pumpkin pudding.
2.  Cooler weather.
3.  My smartphone. It's fun.
4.  Backyard fires.
5.  A quiet house (not all the time, just sometimes).

Weigh In: 251 (same)

Let's just get this out of the way:

(DAY 2)
No soda/artificially sweetened drinks Fail.
No alcohol Fail.
At least 20-minutes of walking each day  Fail.
Log all calories eaten  Win.
Water intake of 8 8-oz. glasses per day Win.

I'm not proud of these major fails (as far as my challenge to myself goes). I made a conscious decision to go out for drinks and apps with a friend, and knew that I would have a drink. Then I came home and had another.

It's a "fail" when it comes to weight loss. I'm the same as I was last week, still not back under 250.

I'm hoping that the kids getting back to school and having some routine in life again will help me re-jumpstart things. I'm somewhat satisfied that I didn't gain weight this summer, but summer isn't over, so I'm being cautious.

Low Carb Almond Bread Recipe

Almond Flour Bread (Low Carb)
I found this recipe on Low Carb Friends. It uses simple ingredients that I had on hand, and has really satisfied my bread longings.

I grew up on toast, by the way. My mom was either making bread (delicious homemade breads), or toasting it for most of my childhood. She wasn't one to buy cheap white breads, either. Always hearty wheat bread, which makes my love for bread all that more intense. I really do miss it.

Almond Butter Bread  
1 cup almond butter*
3 eggs
1 Tablespoon vinegar
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 packet splenda (I used liquid stevia, about 10 drops)

Blend almond butter and eggs with blender until smooth. Add in remaining ingredients. Pour into a sprayed 8 1/2" by 4 1/2" loaf pan and smooth the top (I used a whoopie pie pan and a cookie scoop). Bake at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes (15 for muffins or whoopie pan). Let cool a bit, then remove to wire rack to cool completely. Slice and eat.

*If you don't have almond butter you can use almonds or almond flour. Just blend in a processor, adding a trickle of oil, until you get the right consistency. I used some sliced almonds and olive oil.

Here's what I got (I meant to take more pictures, but... oh well):

Here's right out of the oven.

With chicken salad on them:

Chicken salad, egg muffins, and then this. Oh this was so good. Too good, kind of naughty. This is peanut butter and chocolate. I used 20g peanut butter, and 10g Hershey's Sugar Free Chocolate Syrup. That and a cold glass of almond coconut milk? Yum-may.

I really wouldn't think much if someone gave me one of these as a biscuit. I certainly wouldn't guess it's almonds and eggs. I'm going to try these in another shaped pan for bread. The calories are kind of high on this, but it's worth budgeting in.

Nutritional Info Fat: 11.9g Carbohydrates: 4.2g Calories:144.8 Protein: 6.3g

Challenge (Again) Day 1 - Insatiable Sugar Craving

Here's yesterday:

No soda/artificially sweetened drinks 
No alcohol 
At least 20-minutes of walking each day 
Forced, but I did 20 minutes.
Log all calories eaten 
Water intake of 8 8-oz. glasses per day

Not bad, until the very last second. Literally. I had eaten all my calories, and the ratios looked good.

11pm, I'm ready for bed and just before I brush my teeth... I walk into the kitchen, swipe the cheese off one of the pieces of pizza, grab a Russel Stover gas-maker (I know, "never" came along quicker than I thought), and a glass of water. It happened so quick, like a mini-binge.

Went over calories, and for a second's worth of mouth feel/taste. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

Need to re-train my tongue again to not want the sugar. The sugar cravings lead to more eating because it's an insatiable desire. It seems to have been worse this past month and I don't know if it is because I allowed myself a few more things that I wouldn't have normally - or what. But I have to get rid of them.

Regardless, I'm still happy with myself. My biggest concern is the liquor, and I didn't have that, even though I was craving wine like crazy. Wine and chocolate, killing me softly.

When our family situation was super crazy - bad, unstable - I used to sit up at night and play a simple computer game (like bubble popper), drink wine, and eat chocolate. That's how I coped. Night after night. My sugar-craving body loved it. It's still something I crave. I don't think that the wine-drinking, game-playing came first, I think I crave carbs deeply after about 4pm, and it just gets worse as the night goes on. So, it's a real hard thing for me to try to rid.

But I'm not going to give up. I'm really not.

The scale (I weigh almost daily. I know I shouldn't probably, but if I didn't I might get myself in trouble) was down a teensy bit this morning. I know that can happen from having hairs shed off my head, but I need some encouragement, and I'll take it. Happy Tuesday.

Three Thousand Calories

Not too good:

That was yesterday. My weekend was a "fail" if I was supposed to track calories, eat with in my range. You know, those things.

Loss delayed gain.

I have to look at what was working for me in the past, and I had been doing that challenge when I was down to 249. I'll have to reel that back in again.

No soda/artificially sweetened drinks 
No alcohol 
At least 20-minutes of walking each day 
Log all calories eaten 
Water intake of 8 8-oz. glasses per day
If I remember correctly I was carb cycling during this challenge. My difficulty seems to come in on weekends. I do hard work all week, then weekends set in and with everything going on around here, I am not paying the attention I should. I don't fly off the handle, but I do drink too much and eat too much (even if I'm eating the "right" things).

Every day is a new day!

Maintaining... Better Than Gaining

My last quick entry was regarding my (not-on-purpose) maintenance.

The next day (after weighing 251), I weighed 253.

Jease. I can't win with the scale.

I'm also trying not to get too caught up in it, but I also have to keep an eye on it. As I said in my comments, I've lost the same 30 pounds three times now over the past how many years. If I could have just maintained those thirty pounds, I would have lost 90, and would be at 180 right now.

If I maintain this loss for a year, and then lose another 30, I'll be at 220. If I can maintain this loss and lose another 30 after that... 190.

I must remember this. I don't need to go back! Even though my body would just love that.

Maybe "stalling out" at a weight is good anyway. Resetting your body at a new normal for a substantial amount of time. Who knows? This whole weight loss thing boggles my mind, but I do know that my new normal was 290 for a while. I never went back up to 238 again, but I would go back to 290. If I never go back to 290, I'll be happy as heck.

Not saying I don't want to lose. I do, I do, I do. SO bad. But even more than losing, I do not want to gain.


I' not sure if I'll have any cocktails this weekend or not. I know I talked about going cocktail-less through the weekend. We'll see. I've had a good week, though, and I feel good about it. Not a whole lot going on this weekend anyway. We're still trying to figure out what we want to do.

Hi, Bye

Real quick. My dog won't come in and I have to leave for work, but I have a spare couple of minutes.

I forgot to say that I weighed in yesterday:


Whatevs. I'm not sweating it too much, but I'm also kind of freaked that it's been 2 months of being the 252 range and no significant movement.

I do try to remind myself that no loss is also no gain right now. Trying to be positive.