Also, I'm feeling the least motivated I have in a long time. I'm also feeling very, largely fat. And sluggish. I'm not sure what to attribute that to. Could be my period. Could just be the resolution that I am going to spiral into a 500 pound mass of skin and fat that never leaves the house unless aided by a scooter.
What happened? What is happening to me? I'm sure people look at me and see a loss of self-control, probably something dirty. I see people looking at my flabby flop of a belly, too, more than I used to now that it is hanging down like dirty laundry. I hate it. I don't like my body. I can't stand it, sometimes, feeling trapped - claustrophobic - in my pounds of fat.
But, coupled with that, I'm also feeling resigned and scared. I think I'm scared to lose weight, lose what I've become and who I am. Talk about being a bipolar mess -
Lightbulb moment. Yeah sure, I'm a bipolar mess, but I think I know where my balls went. They cozied up to a dastardly beast called STRESS.
I can pretty much peg my descend into having a belly that droops like baby in a sling, and a weight-gain of 20 pounds - it happened this past year. The most STRESSFUL time I've had in my entire life. Like being attacked from all sides, to the point where I think I'm lucky I only abuse alcohol instead of consider it my life-blood.
Yeah, stress. I should be incapacitated by booze or my own girth, at this point, but since I gained 20 pounds and am pressing buttons on my wardrobe, I trip it up in my mind that I have failed and that I'm one cracker away from a scooter and a nurse cleaning between my folds.
Wow. What a wussy I am, sometimes. Seriously. Instead of focusing on what I've held together, I let the light shine on how I've fallen apart.
As cliche as it is, I'm my own worst enemy. My mind and the tricks I let it play.
Ephesians 6:12I need to armor-up more, and not be defeated so easily.
12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.