I truly hate to even be here.

OK, that's not true. I'm happy to still be here. I'd have hoped to be closer to 200 pounds than I am right now, though. Now... I'm back at square one again.

293 pounds today, says my Wii fit.

I've left my trackers where they were. I look at them and realize that was back in 2010. That wasn't last fall, las summer or winter, that was TWO years ago. I can't hang on to those goals as if they were yesterday.

I'm starting anew. Re-Starting instead of pretending that I've just recently fallen off. When I look at 2010 and see that I was 269 (30 pounds less than I am now), I wish I would have stuck with it. Had I, I would probably be closer to 200 pounds. 20 pounds a year is doable. Even 10 pounds a year would put me at 249. How wonderful would that have been! I can't imagine. 269 was a treat. The clothes I could wear, the way I felt in my skin. It is good to remember that.

Moving forward, though, I need to take a deep breath, stay on the course. Remind myself that steady is OK. 

What I am pleased with is that I didn't hit 300. I didn't go back to where I was. I'm getting close, if I don't change, though. I'm skirting the issue and need to face it head on, even though I know it will sting.

Over the last two years I've gotten a CPAP machine. Maybe I'd need one at 250, but maybe not. 
I don't want one. 
I hate it.
It doesn't give me good results, either. If it did, I might love it.

I've had elevated glucose readings.
I need to go back and get it rechecked. 
I've been dodging that.

I'm uncomfortable.

I'm avoiding activities (people, places, things) because of my fatness.


If it were anyone else I'd tell them to CHANGE IT. Change what is holding you back during this short time on earth and shoot for your goals. Make a mark. Bless people. It is hard to do any of those things when you are holding back, hiding from the world because you are uncomfortable in your own skin.

I am fortunate that I don't have any more severe issues at this point in my life. But I have a few that could easily be combatted by some work on my end. I've been given a break - so far - and blessed with a spot of motivation. I need to prove to myself, my family, and my God that I can live out my own words.

Living out my own faith. Discipline. It is not easy. I enjoy food. But there's so much else to enjoy in life that I'm missing and giving up for food. That isn't right.

1 comment:

Lori said...

Welcome back. The best thing about this journey is you can re-start and re-focus any time you want. It is all up to you. I'm looking forward to reading about your trip down the scales.