I Hate It

Not much has changed, weight-wise. So I won't talk too much about that. I've stayed around 255 pounds, give or take (more give than take). I'm eating OK, but have had some slips.

What's been terribly difficult for me is this work week.
I get up and go to work and it's just getting light out,
I come home and it's just getting dark out.

I take my work clothes off.
I pick out my clothes for the next day.

I unpack the carcass of my lunch.
I scrape through the fridge to pack a lunch for the next day.

I eat.
I get ready for bed around eight. I try to sleep.

The first few weeks, all that ran through my head was work, work. Stress dreams, waking up in the middle of the night. I was so tired. So very tired. It got better, and I don't have that so much anymore. But I am tired. I'm falling behind. I have no time for anything.

You know how it is, Friday's wasted - Saturday I usually have something to do, and Sunday I'm already getting back to work.

After being a stay at home mom for so long, and then working part-time (but my emphasis was really on being at home, and not at work), this is quite a drastic change.

I like my job, but I wish it required way less time out of my life. The things that are important to me (cooking, cleaning, taking care of my children and my family), all fall to the wayside.

It's disappointing. I don't really want to admit it because it's not necessarily the mainstream thoughts or feelings.

The majority of my day I spend at work.
I like it OK, but it isn't fulfilling. Actually I like it. It's right up my alley. But it isn't fulfilling. I come home and I have bills, dinner, planning, cleaning, and I have to ignore the majority of it.

I hate it.

And I have nobody to talk about it to. I've isolated myself with my husband as my friend an confident, and it's not enough, and it's not working.

So here's my prayer:
I don't think God would have brought me here to torture me. I believe he has something good on my horizon with this job. I believe that things will get better, I will be useful, I might make some new friends, or find a purpose in my position.

My prayer is for things to be be better at my job.
My prayer is for less fatigue so I can be a better mother.
My prayer is for my husband to help out around the house. I can't bear all of this alone.

My prayer is for God to hear my prayers.

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