Decisions, Decisions

I'm around and kicking. Every time I feel like updating, I change my mind.

Not a whole lot going on.

Except that I'm doing pretty crappy. Emotionally.

Life has been difficult. I've been dealing with some things that, in my little bubble of life, people don't seem to have to deal with. Maybe it is my slant on life. Maybe I'm a little depressed and have a skewed interpretation of digesting my circumstances. On one hand I feel like hunkering down with a bottle of booze and the saltiest fried food the world can imagine up for me, and doing myself in with a big, ol' pity party, table of one. On the other hand I feel incredibly blessed, and am thankful for the lessons and learning I am learning about life. Hopeful to chip away at my cynical exterior to reveal a better, more loving me.

I tend to flip-flop quite often.

Today I choose booze. I also chose to pop a Xanax. Not at the same time. But I'm obviously choosing to damper my emotions with something. Too bad it isn't a treadmill. Or a bike ride. Good thing it isn't a pizza. Happy medium of sorts.

I find that my lows are rather low. My highs are rather middle-of-the-road, and my potential to seriously need an anti-depressant are... viable.



Here's the thing. I tried one (Celexa), and quit it after 2 days. By day 2 I was having flashbacks of why I actually quit the drug years ago in the first place. See, back then I went on it for a year or so, just to get out of a slump. Nausea, jaw tension and lack of desire for bedroom activities were an issue. Oh - and sweating like a pig. But, emotionally I was in a better place. If you call flatlining a better place. OK, OK. "Flatlining" is a little strong. But, I just remember not feeling... me. Feeling a bit hindered emotionally.

Either way, I got off. Moved on, and did OK.

And then a couple weeks ago I felt myself slipping and tried it again. After two days of headaches, nausea and fear I stopped. Even though I've been slipping for a couple years now.

Talked with my psychiatrist (I say "my" but I've only seen him once and then followed up with a phone conversation a couple weeks later) and he said I should give the Zoloft a try (since I already had a bottle on hand, prescribed from my primary care doc months ago). I took that for 2 days and stopped it, too. It was better than the Celexa, really. I didn't have the same side effects right off the bat. But I did have a nagging concern that I was building up in my body something I might not like, and if I didn't - I'd have to wean myself off of it. And I've heard that weaning off Zoloft is akin to stopping heroin cold turkey. Nice.

You really don't need to know all this, but guess what? Here it is.

And with a trip to a winery planned for the weekend, I really didn't want to be in anti-depressant land. Silly? Maybe.

Again, here I go with the flip-flop, wishy washy. I want to do this on my own. I want to do it without the meds. They scare me a bit. But they could improve my quality of life.

Decisions, decisions.

On the weight front... I've maintained. Fluxing between 266 and 267. Go me. Good deal. I'd really like to lose, though.

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