Is This For REAL?!

I had TWO NSV this weekend (well, three counting the enjoyment of my wardrobe):

1.) My son noticed my weight loss. I was walking around, came back to sit down, and my son said, "Mom, you can tell you've lost weight." Outside I was casual, inside I was ecstatic. Partly for obvious reasons - but then also for the not so obvious. I want my kids to be proud of me. I want them to see me as more than a big, fat person. That sounds awful; I know they love me regardless. But my boys are extremely active and weight conscious, which makes me feel hypocritical about giving them advice on those things (which I can and do), but not being able to follow my own advice.

2.) My friend told me she was proud of me. She said, "You know a couple months ago we went to dinner and I told you about a friend of mine who never at bread. I remember you saying, 'I could never do that!' - and look at you. You're doing it." That was such a gift to me. I sell myself short all the time, and she called me on it. I appreciate that.

It sometimes takes someone else to point something out to you for it to register, to sink in that it is real. That's why other people noticing my weight loss is vital to me. Not because I need a pat on the back, or attention. I don't need or want either one of those. I really need someone else to let me know this stuff right here is actually going on. That I really am a smaller version of myself. That I'm not going to get pinched an wake up.

When I was fatter nobody close to me told me I was ridiculously obese. Nobody. God love them, they are kind and they love me no matter what. My head knew I was fat - but maybe didn't realize how fat (?) - I don't know. But still, now, my head will tell me I'm that girl. My head says I'm 300 pounds. Literally, my head was feeding me fears about having a bad weekend and being back at 295, not being able to fit into my pants. It's not realistic, but my head was saying it was.

I know I'm working hard, making sacrifices - but it almost feels like it's not real sometimes. When I look at my weight loss, it doesn't feel real. After all, I'm still in the same body. It looks eerily the same, only smaller. I "wear my fat well" as some would say. I wouldn't. But whatever.

I know I've seen people where I look at them and think, Did they lose weight? Because they just look like a smaller version of themselves. It's like a mind trick. There's this lady that works at Target and I see her all the time because I shop there way too much. One day I noticed that she had lost some weight.

One day.

I didn't notice every other day I was in there. Just that one.

For a month I'd see her after that, and want to ask her if she had, compliment her. Like, I knew she had, but still, it was boggling to my brain. So one day I go up and ask her, and she told me she had dropped like 80 or 100 pounds, I don't remember now. I'm all waiting for her to tell me about her weight loss surgery, but she said she did it the old-fashioned way. I told her she looked great.

I still see her there and she's still maintaining. It's been a couple years.

I think it might take me 20 pounds or more for people to notice because, after all, I'm still fat. The average Joe looking at me would see a fat lady. Even people who know me still see a fat lady. Their head tells me I'm fat still. Not a worry, mine does, too.

1 comment:

Lori said...

It could be, and probably is, that people are noticing your weight loss but just don't know what to say. Just like you and the woman at Target.