Scales And Weights

I have two scales that are very dear to me. My kitchen scale, and my bathroom scale.

I know that some people forbid scales in their homes, and some weigh themselves daily.

I'm the second one.

I don't know why I do it, but ever since I got that new scale, I hop on it nearly every day. Sometimes every other day.

Today it tells me I've gained a pound. I know I ate a lot of salt yesterday. I also know I stayed reasonable with my calories, went for a walk, and shouldn't worry. I'm not too worried. Right now the scale and daily weighing seems to be helpful to me. For now.

It's scary, too. I think for the rest of my life I will always have a fear of putting my pudgy feet on a scale. They mean too much. Those numbers, they mean a lot. Kind of like important dates, the numbers signify times in my struggle.

the past decae...
338 - my highest
305 - getting stuck there, wondering if I'd ever leave the 300s again
295 - getting down there and being joyous, but wanting more... losing and being back there three times
280s and 270s - yoyo times, back and forth - frustration
260s - feeling great, feeling a difference in my body
250s - new territory for me in this decade

old territory from years ago/my late teens and early 20s...
240s - remembering this weight, lying about it to my friend
230s - post-baby, walking around here for a long time, but telling everyone I was 202
220s - vague recollections of being here, felt great at this weight
210s - huh?
180s - feeling fat, lying about it
170s - felt fat here
160s - huh?
150 - my mother telling me I looked like I was melting away
140 - hearing a famous person weighed the same, and feeling great about that, my legs barely rubbed together

For most of my life, I've been stuck somewhere in the 200s. I think even back in middle school possibly I was over 200 pounds. For a brief time I dipped into the onederland area, and it was great. I was still fat by high-school standards, but thick and beautiful by many a boy's standards. It felt great to get out of high school and have people look at me differently.

I don't know where I will settle this time around. I don't want it to be on this side of 250, though. It's a tough battle. It's a lot of work, mentally and physically. Unless there's a payoff, it's hard to keep going.

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