Today I weighed myself and it was 285.
I wasn't peeled down to my skivvies, my preferred way of weighing, but I wanted to make something "official" and put it over there, and call it a day.
I can't keep telling myself this is transitional and not official.
It's my official weight right now.
As I moved around my day yesterday I thought, I have to document how absolutely crappy I feel right now.
I hate looking in my closet for clothes
Everything feels like it shrunk (though I know it's ME that has grown)
I feel uncomfortable in my own skin - it's really not my clothes
I feel unhealthy... sluggish, slower
It's very strange. Kind of surreal, to be here again. I'm feeling a bit baffled and hopeless.
I haven't been eating that bad. I'm certainly not eating with abandon.
Basically if I want to stay at a certain weight, or lose weight, I have to put a LOT of time and effort into it and deny myself a LOT.
Part of my downfall is that I haven't been able to do that. I've been stressed, tired, and simply haven't been able to put my time and effort and energy into giving so much focus to my weight-management. That's the bottom line of things.
Will I have more time now?
What can I do to make time?
My health is important to me.
At any rate, yesterday I did OK - better. These few days here I'm putting in odd hours, and things are not predictable. My new job does not have a refrigerator that I can put my meals in, which is not a big deal when I'm working a part-time day, but when I'm working a full day like I've been lately - it doesn't really work out so well. There is a cube-sized one there now. I'm thinking of bringing a larger one simply so I can have that available to me. We'll see.
I need to get past the next couple weeks without gaining any more weight. Things will even out for me - although it will still be a challenge (I have to recognize this). But they will settle into a routine.
I don't like how I feel, and I don't like food more than the feeling of fitting into my own clothes, and looking in a closet without wanting to rip my own skin off. This is nothing new. I've been in this spot with the same feelings. But now I need to remember how this feels, and charge towards it again.
I'm excited to get there again.