It's Been a While: 285

Today I weighed myself and it was 285.

I wasn't peeled down to my skivvies, my preferred way of weighing, but I wanted to make something "official" and put it over there, and call it a day.

I can't keep telling myself this is transitional and not official.

It's my official weight right now.

As I moved around my day yesterday I thought, I have to document how absolutely crappy I feel right now.

I hate looking in my closet for clothes
Everything feels like it shrunk (though I know it's ME that has grown)
I feel uncomfortable in my own skin - it's really not my clothes
I feel unhealthy... sluggish, slower

It's very strange.  Kind of surreal, to be here again.  I'm feeling a bit baffled and hopeless.

I haven't been eating that bad.  I'm certainly not eating with abandon.

Basically if I want to stay at a certain weight, or lose weight, I have to put a LOT of time and effort into it and deny myself a LOT.

Part of my downfall is that I haven't been able to do that.  I've been stressed, tired, and simply haven't been able to put my time and effort and energy into giving so much focus to my weight-management.  That's the bottom line of things.

Will I have more time now?

What can I do to make time?

My health is important to me.  

At any rate, yesterday I did OK - better.  These few days here I'm putting in odd hours, and things are not predictable.  My new job does not have a refrigerator that I can put my meals in, which is not a big deal when I'm working a part-time day, but when I'm working a full day like I've been lately - it doesn't really work out so well.  There is a cube-sized one there now.  I'm thinking of bringing a larger one simply so I can have that available to me.  We'll see.

I need to get past the next couple weeks without gaining any more weight.  Things will even out for me - although it will still be a challenge (I have to recognize this).  But they will settle into a routine.

I don't like how I feel, and I don't like food more than the feeling of fitting into my own clothes, and looking in a closet without wanting to rip my own skin off.  This is nothing new.  I've been in this spot with the same feelings.  But now I need to remember how this feels, and charge towards it again.

I'm excited to get there again.

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