Anxiety, Crap, Things I Don't Want To Say

I had the strangest thing happen.

I played a card game that I used to play years ago to relax and get my mind off the chaos in my life.  As I played, I sipped a glass of wine and enjoyed the solitude.

Time went on and I finally won the game.  The "triumph music" played.
I started sobbing.

I didn't understand why.  But the music, the wine... it triggered something in me that hadn't been touched, but had been sitting underneath the surface.

The fears, dread, sadness, anger, devastation.  Waiting, waiting for my daughter to come home.  I'd play that card game, often with a glass of wine, at 11pm --her curfew-- knowing she'd miss it, knowing it.  But still dreading it.  I played it to keep my mind off things, to get me through.  To steady the racing thoughts. Over and over.  I remember doing it when I took Zoloft.  I don't even like typing it. It makes me choke on my own throat, makes my eyes itch.

I stuff my feelings, apparently.  Gosh I'm stoic! 

I keep going. I don't quit. I hang in. I press on.

As. I die. Inside. I shrivel and shrink and grasp, and pray, and crawl somewhere in there where even I don't know.  I harden, I forget, I put up boundaries. I don't let in, I blame.  I blame. I project. I obsess.

I do so many things that I hate and wish I didn't on a day-to-day, minute-to-minute basis.


I get by.

I do.

I get by.

I work. I clean. I cook. I function.

And -by God- I'm dying in here!

It really sucks. I'm sure I'm not alone.

But I'm sure there's not a person I can (pay to) go talk to that will get it in a way that puts my soul right again.

This is (maybe) why people commit suicide.  This feeling of isolation, desperation, self-loathing.

I'm not going to kill myself. (Unless it's with food and self-uncare)

And I don't want to talk to friends because let's face it they don't care.  I almost don't care, which is why I hide in a happy face and make everyone's day and "am amazing" and all that wonderful crap.

It'll ride, slide, and be OK. But it's still there, waiting, dormant.  It is still there.


Mrs Swan said...

Hugs girl! I don't have any meaningful words but I wish I did. Just know that we are here to read and support you.

Lori said...

I think more people that anyone realizes feel that way. In fact, I'd guess most people feel that way at one time or another. No one wants to be the first one to step up and say it. No one wants to admit it because everyone around them appears to have it all together, so we suffer in silence. Afraid of the rejection admitting those feelings might bring. Having worked in a counseling office for 7 years, I think you could find a therapist to help you. Keep trying until you find the one that is the right fit. Don't suffer alone.