I weighed in the yesterday and it say 274. I about fell over. I've been so bloated an miserable (IBS) that I was certain I was gaining weight. It didn't reflect on the scale, but I'll tell you when your pants start cutting off valuable oxygen to your brain, you start to wonder if you've overindulged too much.

Horrible feeling. But I had to keep my head. Even though I had bookclub and other fun eatery occasions over the weekend. Even though there's some weird little thing in my mind that really would rather me just slide back up, than continue to go down.

So much of what I'm going through is mental. Physically I can conquer more than I think. Mentally, emotionally -- that's where my difficulties set in. If I continue tracking my calories and movement, I'm fine. But if I think too long on the whole weight thing, the clothes and the way they fit. The fact that I continue to go down?.. I start to lose my mind just a little bit.

No. Probably not normal. I realize that.

And I'm not saying I'm not happy about it. But, in a way it all feels like a lie. Like, sure, I'll lose some weight - AND THEN I'LL PACK IT BACK ON. Fear of failure, maybe. Fatbloggers (or "fitbloggers" if that makes you feel better) die off like a bad germ at a Purell convention. Half my link list has stopped updating or dropped off the map. Most of them making such remarkable progress, too. Inspiring.

Weight loss is one beast. If you can conquer the weight loss part, there's a whole new world of maintenance. I hear it is worse, actually.

Also, if you lose a significant amount -- like over 100 pounds, people notice. And, God forbid, you gain it back, people will notice that too.

Stinkin' thinkin' though, and I have to stay away from that thought pool. Not even drip my toes in to see how it feels. Walk past it, look at it and shrug it off. Deceptive. Waiting for failure.

But, I'll tell you, when I weighed in yesterday and saw the 274, I immediately knew I wouldn't record it as my weight. I knew I'd re-weigh again, until I got the result I needed (which wasn't 274) and use that. Weirdness.

But, hey. I'm creeping closer to 259 than 299, now, right? Interesting. Presently, I'm pretty focused on 269. It's only 6 pounds away. A month or so. That would put me 1/2 way to goal. Crazy talk. Just crazy. I literally can not believe I'm almost there. I don't believe the scale, I don't really believe my pants (but mostly I don't believe the scale).

I just have to focus on what I can: calories. And ignore what inhibits me from getting to the goal(s) I'm aiming for. But how do you ignore yourself?

1 comment:

Nona said...

I really relate. When my doctor told me I needed to fix my head, I had no idea what she was talking about but I got to work with some cognitive therapy and hypnosis tapes and I finally get what she meant. If I don't address my negative thinking I don't have a chance of either reaching my goal or maintaining my loss when I do reach my goal. So I'm working just as hard on my head as my body.

Keep improving the head and celebrate your losses, you are doing so well.