Despite How Crappy I Feel, I Worked Out

I cracked my Bible.
I read a Psalm.
I read a bit of Job.
I put on my sneakers.
I went to the place I hate.
I got on the treadmill.
I sweated my butt off for 30 minutes (for my body and my mind).
I went and stretched my achy arms from toning the other day.
I left.

I did it. That's all.
I think it's a non-scale victory.

:)

Grasping Hair, Don't Care - God Must Be Putting Me On Mute

Yeah, that's a wordplay on the "Long Hair, Don't Care" thing. Get it?

I didn't know if Ripping Hair Out sounded good.

And I honestly don't know if anyone out there (besides sweet, dear Lori) can stand to read this blog anymore as I spin down the toilet hole of depression and insanity. Train wrecks are fun to watch, right?

I'm being serious but not, seriously. Serious.

I don't feel a complete snap back to 290 coming, but I do feel a reckoning. I'm so freaking FIGHTING with myself right now it's not even funny. Today I started out well, but then... gosh, it's like almost humorous the crap that's been happening.

Money-wise, we're kind of in the dumps. I already mentioned how I dipped into our savings to pay for some car repairs? On top of that the kids go back to school and I don't know if you know it, but school fees are OUT OF THIS WORLD RIDICULOUS. And our kids go to public school. It's a shame.

Last year we qualified for reduced lunch, but I just don't see that happening this year. It was skin of our teeth last year.

I just won't go into all the details, but we've incurred another expense that I have no clue how we are going to pay. I got that news today and ended up sobbing in the shower, in the car to get groceries, and then on the bed while the kids obliviously carried groceries up the stairs.

Crying does help sometimes.

I prayed, but I'm pretty sure God put me on mute today. Whiny, and foul-mouthed is what I am. I tried to just pray, and pray solid, straight-forward, sharing my life with God - and NOT SWEARING. But they kept creeping in my head and it was just bad. Bad, bad, I tell you.

There are times when I figure the reason I'm not suicidal or dead is because God's still got some work to do with me. I joke, but I don't.  I was in a daze driving home, wanting to just fall asleep through the next couple weeks and not deal with the things that are coming my way. Just sleep.

It's horrible, and that's not a way to live life.

Something has got to give, and it's got to be me.

This is all part of this food stuff, wrapped up, but just labeled differently. I know this. As I shoved cheese in my mouth today and washed it down with vodka, it was clear to me. I am well aware of stuffing my feelings with food, with alcohol when I choose. Neither are good. It's not healthy. It's a form of self-destructiveness and self-abuse. I have to stop doing it. I have to slap my own face into submission and move in the direction I was.

It's a process and I was a fool to think it would be anything but.

Week Challenge Day 1

Week Challenge:

Day 1 

No soda/artificially sweetened drinks 
Did good... I did have a Propel because it was hot and we were outside and I really think I'm dehydrated. I'm not going to sweat that one too much.

 No alcohol 
Check! Accomplished.

At least 20-minutes of walking each day 
Yup. Did a 3-mile Walk Away the Pounds video.

Log all calories eaten 
Check! I was under at 1995. I think my total actually came to 2021 for the majority of the days. I re-ran my numbers with zigzag calculator #2 and realized my error was that I ran it for a male instead of female. That's why the calories were so high. Men get all the breaks, I tell ya.

Water intake of 8 8-oz. glasses per day
I did stellar on this one, too.

All in all, I feel pretty good about things. I'm still nervous about eating more calories than I have been, but I'm going to try not to worry about it too much. I'll keep an eye on the scale and adjust if need be.

___________

Last night I ended up eating a bologna sandwich for dinner. Not very exciting, but I had to whip up something for the rest of the family to eat, and it just didn't go with the foods I'm eating. I stared at it for a bit, contemplating eating it, but then I wouldn't have even known how many calories were in it or anything so I just left it alone. Kind of frustrating, but kind of a triumph.

PICK YOUR HARD, right?

My husband mentioned that he wanted to lose weight and I almost floored out. I guess I should have known it was coming. But I have a bit of an "issue" with it. Selfish. We've discussed it. He can lose weight like a champion. He has willpower, no food issues (besides enjoying it). Instead of being inspired, I turn into a 13-year-old girl and want to rip his hair out. I get frustrated, to say the least. Which leads me to hope it was a passing thought - at least for this moment. He's not unhealthy, but could maybe stand to lose a couple pounds. I need to not let my psychotic-ness stand in the way of that.

____________

It's super hot around these parts, and I don't want to skimp on my promise of doing 20 minutes of walking each day this week. We will see what happens, but I do see that as a challenge today. I also see the no drinking part as a challenge, because Tuesday nights are oftentimes our night out. But I will survive.

It's All A Psychological Game

I was contemplating taking down my last post. There's a guilt feeling in the pit of my stomach for being so negative and probably for being honest, too.

But these are the things that are troubling me, and the things I need to deal with head on if I'm going to keep swimming by.

There's always going to be something. Primarily I need to get over the fact that I CAN'T CONTROL THE WORLD.

I can't control my kids.
I can't control my friends.
I can't control the outcome of sticky situations.
I can't control the my husband's reactions.
I can't control the weather.

There's a million and one things in the world that I can't control, and only one that I can.

MYSELF.

Big newsflash, eh? I know. I know. Stating the obvious. But I really need to work on this if I'm going to set things straight. I think part of the reason I get so disappointed in life is that I live in fear of too many things. That fear shouldn't control me.

I fear for my kid's future.
I fear for my friends.
I fear situations that are sad, scary.
I fear a life of a mediocre marriage.

I let myself believe I have some sort of control over things (if I do this, that will happen - if I say this maybe I'll get the result I want). Some of it is control-based, and some of it is slightly OCD based. Neither one is healthy or good. I realize part of it is just who I am, but I don't have to have it everything I am - and those are the times when I'm least happy.

I read a lot of devotionals today, and tried to get inside myself a bit. Tried to loosen the reigns on things. Disappointments. Being so disappointed in everyone else, when it is only myself who I can change, and who is probably disappointing me the most.

I don't want to be remembered as an miserable, angry mom/neighbor/friend. That's not uplifting to anyone else and certainly doesn't help me live with myself. That anger and frustration I feel just spills over in me trying to fix everyone else, I guess. Me, trying to have everyone else make up for deficits that I feel.

For the most part.

I don't want to poo-poo my marriage and some of the things going on with that. It isn't all roses for everyone, and there are definite struggles. It is a struggle for me. It has been off and on for a long time. To not admit that would be stupid. I think those feelings boil over into other areas of my life, too. It sucks, but it is there and it will be there if I lose weight or stay the same.

All of it will.

Except I'll be fat and unhappy, and staring at my closet again crying instead of just grabbing pants and pulling them on.

Today is better than where I was. I need to stay on track and remember that 6 months from now could be even more glorious if I trust and continue and not give up.

It's stay the same or keep moving, right?

Motivation... Why Hello, There You Are

I thought I'd lost my motivation.
I don't know why. Brain playing tricks on me.

I had a very busy couple of weeks, and here we are in the space between Thanksgiving and Christmas. What I was expecting, I don't know.

A few days I've been too busy to track my food, and that's a tool that has proven useful for me. It is useful because it is a strong indicator of what I've taking into my body, and it holds me accountable. I'm realizing that the daily tracking carries over to help me on my days where I am unable to.

The more I track, the more I educate myself and reinforce the boundaries of what exactly my body needs to function, to lose, and what is too much.

What gets hard for me is when I lose that "crutch" and have to kind of wander the wilderness without it. It frustrates me a bit, and plays with my head.

The days I'm so busy that my tracking can't be done - or isn't perfection - leave me feeling like it was a fail day. If I'm on vacation and can't get to a place where they have internet so I can track my foods - I have my own mini breakdown (on the inside). I am out of sorts without my SparkPeople. Why oh why can't there be an app that can run without internet?

So far I haven't completely blown it. But I teeter just a bit. I can feel it. I don't like that I'm so married to an app. I really don't. But... some people are married to the gym and if they don't hit that (bike/weights/treadmill) they feel incomplete. It isn't just that feeling of being incomplete for me, it is more the concern that that feeling will lead me into a pitfall.

It is the one sip for the alcoholic.
The one flirt for the incurable cheater.
The sneaked cigarette for the smoker.

Right now (and maybe forever or a very long time), I need to be accountable. I know my weaknesses, and I know that tracking my food has been IMPLEMENTAL in my weight loss. I'm not saying I like it, enjoy it, or hope to do it foreverandever. I like to dream that someday I will just know my limits. That might just be dreaming.

I also know that my strict black-and-white policies that I set for myself don't allow for a lot of wiggle room, and are also probably not the healthiest approach at all times. One bad day doesn't have to be a set up for a bad weekend or week. I am learning that. Or I am able to cope a bit better at that. I am able to cope a bit better with not losing one week. Mainly that is because right now I'm so freaking happy with the fact that I'm in a better place than I was.

Today I weighed myself and I had to repeat it because I was at 274. I often weigh back in on Wednesday and sometimes Friday. At any rate, I hope that sticks. I'd love to hit 269 in the next month. It won't be easy with all the eating and gatherings to go to, but we shall see. Again, this is why I'm semi-happy with just maintaining. Most people (including myself) expect to gain over the holidays.

My Addiction To Food

My addiction to food both disgusts and amazes me.

I love food in good and healthy ways. But (sometimes) I use it in ways food is not intended to be used. Don't go all mind-in-the-gutter on me. I mean that there are times when I can prepare my oatmeal and walnuts, pack a shake for lunch and a piece of fruit and use food to nourish my body. This is fine, good, and controllable. But when I come home, whip up some waffles, reheat some pork chops and gorge, it doesn't feel good.

It doesn't even feel right.

Strangely, I cut out all the fat on the chops, and was reasonable with the waffles, but it was a big production of food-making, planning, anticipating... and then a frenzy. I ate fast and hard, like I've seen my kid do (and don't like because it is a reflection of me). I enjoyed the sweet, salty, chewy, buttery flavors mixed together and washed down with ice-cold milk. I knew I wouldn't journal my food because it was already a failure.

I caught myself gobbling.

It's disgusting.

I finished off with one more small waffle, lathered with peanut butter. I totally didn't need it, and could have powered through, not eating it. But I did. I wanted it.

I tell myself I'm fine, but I'm not sure if I am. Either by habit or by emotions that I've blocked, I managed to cancel out my thoughtful eating this morning with a few minutes of feasting. I feel full. Heavy with food and drink. Satiated. Disappointed in myself. Wanting to shed the pounds I've gained (about 7). Wanting to get past the goal I made months ago.

I'm not letting myself do it. Why?

Self-Care

The cooler air has been a relief.

Forget the blues in winter, I get them in summer. The oppressive heat, humidity and blaring sun do not do good things for momma. I'd much rather be wrapped in a sweatshirt, simmering soup on the stove, baking, cleaning without sweating and sucking fresh air.

Yes, the drop in temperature is welcomed here.

---

My Wii broke. I've been using it to weigh myself, which makes it breaking kind of a sour deal. I don't know what is wrong with it besides the fact that it will not turn on. Pretty basic. I've had the kids look at it (they know more than me about these things) and they weren't able to fix it. I weighed myself on my shipping scale (the back up), and I look to be about the same. Maybe a bit of a loss, I don't know and can't quite remember.

Wii takes off 2 pounds for clothing. I think my shipping scale weighs in 3 pounds heavier. If I weighed 270 on the shipping scale, then I'm about 265? If I remember right. Which I'm not sure that I do. Still, it is a lesson in not being completely married to the scale, or the system, but to rely more on the the process as indication of progress.

Which I am, and am watching what I eat. Shifting here and there, trying to spice things up with new recipes. I've been pretty good about it, making new meals the past few days, shopping ahead (better for finances, too). I think I may have glugged down a half bottle of wine one evening, though. Not the best for calories. But I stayed within my range, crazy as it is.

I've been going for walks. I've been trying to be more active. Consciously.

My wellness is not whole. It isn't just the eating (although it is part of how I comfort myself). The eating is a symptom. The chaos is a symptom. I have many parts of my life that need better balance -nutrition, exercise, finances, household, spirit, self- and I need to maintain focus and better balance. Self-care.

As I tighten up on one area of my life (my eating), I see other parts start to fall in line. But, then, I also see the potential for other areas to become less manageable if I become too focused or immersed in my physical (eating, exercise) well-being.

Right now my immediate concern has to do with work. Last year my hours were cut. I was not happy about it, but learned to live with it, and eventually ended up enjoying it. My hourly cut gave me the opportunity to look beyond my day job--which is just a job, not a career-- to see what other options were available to me. Finishing my degree? Putting time into other areas of my life (self, household, volunteer, my "freelance" work)? Go back to doing some crafting?

Now, my job is wanting me back for the hours it took away. I'm not entirely sure if that is what I want right now. I have a couple of other opportunities that are open to me that, I think, might bring greater fulfillment than the measly dollars I would make stacking on more hours. I have an offer for some freelance work, and I still could finish up my degree. Both would be good, for different reasons. I will pray on it, chew on it and hope I can find some answers and some peace about it.

All of this falls under the "self-care" umbrella. Me, taking care of myself. Making a decision largely based on myself, and less based on everyone else. Not something I generally do. I've dodged out of a million commitments and opportunities simply because I put everyone else in front of me. But in the process of that, I've lost the delicate balance of regarding the family needs as well as my own in my decision-making -- and in that have lost some of myself. Compromised to the point of being nearly suffocated, depressed and lost. For me to be a better mother/wife/sister/human being, I have to regard myself, my boundaries and what is healthy for me, so I can be a better person to other people. As cliche as it sounds, it is true.

266

Through the grazing and the stress, I'm still managing to (slowly) melt away fat (or brain cells, who knows).

OK, OK. Sarcasm aside. Another pound gone. One I don't feel too deserving of, honestly. I feel like I went piggy this past week and didn't put in the exercise time because of the blazing heat. I figured I might stay the same, or go up a pound. So when I stepped on the scale, it was a bit of a surprise to me.

Until I gave it more thought.

The me now is different from the me then, six months ago. Even if I miss a couple of days journaling (I'm not saying it is good, I'm just saying it happens), I try and make up for it-- or I'm really diligent about getting it done for the next few days. Even if I miss a day or two of walking, I put in work another time.

My walks are longer.

My "pigouts" pack less punch.

My food choices are better.

This week we did some pizza pick-up, those $5 special ones with a side of jalapeno cheese bread. Love it, but it is most definitely the devil's food. Greasy, salty, a bit spicy. But falls under the "live to eat" food and not the other way around.

After placing the order, I went and cut up a bell pepper and a tomato, doused it with a tablespoon of Newman's balsamic dressing (light) and ate up, making sure to get my veggies in and fill my tummy on something good.

Pizza comes and I grabbed 3 cheese sticks and a slice of pizza. I ate it all and was stuffed. That... was a pig out.

While feeling the strain of my over indulgence, my mind began to spin (as the norm). I felt like a royal pig with a douse of guilt. But then I contemplated. I stayed within my calorie range that day. No, not the greatest food choices, but still within limits (calorie limits, I think I hit the ceiling on the fat quota). I also noted that I did not go back for seconds. Something that I would normally do. I ate what I put on my plate, and I was done.

Hmm.

Interesting.

Practice breeds habit. Going for walks is becoming a habit. Eating one serving is becoming a habit. Eating smaller more reasonable portions is becoming a habit. Enough so that I'm able to still lose weight, while not being as good as I could be. I'm not saying it is optimum or preferred, but it is a step in the right direction.

Years of lazy eating habits being chipped away at. Never will I get cocky because, like a drug addict, slipping back can make for a sad spell off the wagon.

Little Changes Everywhere

Today I am pleased that I have been able to make strides in my health, to be more intentional about my eating. I feel blessed to see visible reward for that effort. It is slow, and the changes are small. But there are changes.

Yesterday my cousin said I looked "slim" - not quite "have you lost weight" but getting close.

It'll happen.

Frustrating to me, though, is that not only has my weight spiraled out of control, but so has my house, my finances, and my life. As I continue to be thoughtful about my eating and exercise, my desire is to extend that intentionality to other areas of my life.

My cluttered house.

My sagging checkbook.

My overextended schedule.

I need to make tangible moves to change those other areas of my life so that my weight loss and health advances can continue. My cluttered house stresses me out. My bills, constantly being paid late (or forgotten), stresses me out. Having so much on my plate, too many commitments, stresses me out.

My goal over the next few months is to correct some of this. It overwhelms and depresses me. Like, seriously. I feel oppressed. I don't like it. God's purpose in my life is weighed down by fat, clutter and "things I need to do." Little changes everywhere. I need to make a clearer path for myself.

Resistant To Change (277)

My insatiable appetite today had me running for a calendar to see if I was pre-menstrual. It was that bad. I'm not, though. I'm just coming off another weekend out of town.

This past weekend I can't say I did very well, but I can't say I did horribly. Saturday night dinner out I split a meal, had a moderate amount of appetizer - AND I went for a long walk (hauling butt) Sunday morning that brought me to sweat in 50-degree weather. And I had Chinese for Mother's Day. I indulged, but not to the extent that I would have if I weren't paying more attention.

Today I scrubbed floors, went for 3 walks and kept under my calories (OK, over by 6) to make up for it.

All of these things I could live with. Since I'm on the path to better lifelong choice-making, I guess I feel OK with it.

Today I weighed in at 277. My strange mental problem won't let me make it official. I thought on this off and on through the day, wondering what my malfunction is.

Fear, probably. I've lived a very fat lady for years. 300 pounds is heavy. Heavier than most. As much as an obstacle as it has been, frustrating, embarrassing (at times) - it's me. It's what I've been comfortable with. I've grown accustomed to accommodating my girth. Not having to work around that obstacle on a continuous thought wheel means making new accommodations in other places of my life -- opening doors that have always been closed off to me.

I think there's a part of me that is scared. Like, really scared.

Sixty pounds ago I would have not done everything I do now. Thirty pounds ago I don't know if I would have even made it out to dinner with friends the other night (I arrived late, and have been groomed to be fearful of fitting my big body into too-small places - arriving late could have presented a very embarrassing scenario). I would have made an excuse as to why I couldn't make dinner with the group, and spent it solo.

Not this time. I arrived late, feeling more confident than I've felt in a long time.

It's all good. Changes in the right direction. But it is still change, something I'm not always entirely comfortable with. If I have the strength to get down into the 250 zone I will literally poo in my pants. I'm 20 pounds away from 257, and 20 pounds away from 297.

Which will win out?

Not Normal

Though I've been busy, I'm still on track. With weekends out of town; still on track. Constantly making little changes in my behavior (eating and otherwise). Taking the stairs to my hotel room 3 floors up. Walking, intentionally, instead of sitting around during downtime. I overindulged a bit, but still managed to hold my weight -- actually lose in the process.

We need to talk about that losing.

I'm starting to get weird.

See, I started weighing myself with my Wii Fit. It was unintentional, really. I purchased the 'Fit and the board, and went through the process of making my character. Weighed in. Fine. I just grew accustomed to it. I liked the way the line moves down and it's much funner than weighing myself on the shipping scale in the basement.

None of that is weird.

What's weird is this hang up I have over being 279. See, I technically hit that goal with the Wii Fit last week. In fact, I hit 278 - surpassing one of my first BIG goals (my lowest weight in 20 years). But it didn't feel official. I couldn't allow myself (and still can't) to celebrate that goal until my shipping scale reflects the same.

The shipping scale says 280. The shipping scale fluctuates, the Wii Fit does not. I truly think the Wii Fit might be the better scale. But I can't get over the fact that the shipping scale is still stuck a little higher.

Instead of celebrating, I'm obsessing.

I shouldn't do this to myself. I shouldn't put so much on the number of the scale. Because, realistically, I could visit the doctor and have the scale say 285 and crap my pants right there, if I want to get technical.

I DO NOT WANT TO BE MY OWN WORST ENEMY.

This is how I failed at Weight Watchers. I couldn't' stand that when I went to my evening meetings, I always weighed in heavier than I did when I'd to my own (un)official weigh-ins (in the morning, after using the bathroom, and generally in my bra and underwear). It frustrated me to no end, and became the downfall of my efforts. I'm sure there were other issues that added to my distress, but the scale thing I really couldn't get over.

So you're telling me that when I weigh in at home on my scale and I'm celebrating my 5-pound weight loss, I can't have my little badge?!

Not for me.

The good thing is that my clothes are looser. I feel like I have more energy. Did I say my clothes are looser?

My next goal is to have someone notice and ask me, "Have you lost weight?" Because, so far, it hasn't happened. I don't really understand it, honestly. To me it feels like I'm walking around with a horse leg sticking out of my head and nobody's noticing. I know the big (but apparently subtle) changes that have gone on with my body, but people haven't caught on yet. I'm waiting.

Saving The Best For Last

Sometimes it's a good idea to save the best for last. Sometimes... not so good.

If you save the best for last, for instance, the cheesiest part of the lasagna, or the butteriest section of the potatoes on your plate - you've pretty much guaranteed that you'll be eating everything to get to that last, cheesy or buttery bite.

(I dug this up from last year. Timeless.)

365 Days of Exercise - Day 6

Walked. 20 minutes. Nothing fabulous or spectacular. Doing the deed.

But, an "acquaintance" couple of ours has been out walking as well. Wife and husband. The husband runs laps, and she walks. He runs around and around the block, making sure she doesn't get attacked, mugged, whatever. And my husband and I walk together while I mostly complain and he (bless his heart) listens. I don't complain about walking. I complain more about everything else. I'm stressed, I'm mad, I'm frustrated, I'm confused, I'm scared. Same crap he's heard a million times. It's amazing he hasn't decided to just walk and continue walking and not look back. Or push me off the curb.

_______

It's a rainy day out today, so I'm not sure how this whole walking thing is going to go. I suppose I could go to the gym, but we both know THAT will not happen.

_______

I've been stressing about a situation that could be good, or could turn sour. A... business adventure, have you. I could stand to take on a substantial amount of new clients from another business that is retiring; closing. These clients are, right now, using my services in anticipation of "another business" closing, however, they are still hoping that someone from the "another business" starts up and they are able to (why can't I think of the word you use when you... not solicit, no... you use their service -- tip of my brain, can't think, uh... patronize!!?) patronize this ex-employee's business.

Well. I'm hoping these clients stick around and continue to use my services. And I've been milling over what I can do to keep them as clients.

So I'm reading Day 7 in my daily walk book and it is talking about God's promise to Abram, and how God told him that he and Sarai would have a kid. Since it doesn't happen, like yesterday, Abram just HAS to (listen to his silly wife's idea) take matters into his own hands and goes and gets a servant girl pregnant, which didn't really go over to well in the Abram house, even though it was Sarai's lovely idea in the first place. Women.

Anyway, somewhere in reading this, I'm thinking that my hair brained ideas (not unlike Sarai and hers) for keeping clients are probably not the best ones. Some of the ideas that have crossed my mind aren't really in line with the integrity intended when I founded my business. And though I'm heavily tempted to grovel, gossip, or use other means to drum up my own business to maintain this clientele, God might just be telling me to BE PATIENT. Continue doing what I'm doing by providing my service, upholding the values in which it was founded, and see where simple and transparent honesty, kindness and a clean way of doing business leads. NOT having to feel that constant control, and if I can just do this, this AND this, things will work out peachy, and darn it if I'm not doing it my way and doing it now!!!

This sort of control goes strictly against the grain of my earthy body. But that's the point.