Sometimes a day can be summed up in tiny miracles.
Kind of like counting One Thousand Gifts, and the gift is gratitude for the capability of simply hanging on.
There are times when I have felt so desperate. I wasn't sure if I could make it through the day, and would have visions of running my car off the road. I think when I was at my heaviest, I was completely overloaded, physically and mentally. I ate to fill me up, but I was hollow with no bottom, in many ways.
That person isn't really gone. I've worked and struggled to win my mind battles. Sometimes --most of the time-- it works. I win. I'm still here. I'm fighting the fight. But there are days, and sometimes those days span into weeks - or months.
I was there not too long ago, sitting in (yet another) psychiatrist's office, giving The Background, wondering what he will make of me, at least the me that I show him. He prescribed a pill, I said I'd think about it.
I haven't filled it yet.
I don't plan to, honestly. But it's in my back pocket of arsenal, should I need.
When you're in a cloud like that and it is dark, it's hard to see life without that filter. Quite honestly, I'm not sure that filter is ever completely removed from my eyes. Maybe for moments, those times when I feel complete joy and presence of God. It's rare, but it happens. Many times I see pain, deception, twists and ruts in the world and in people. In myself, mostly.
As I went about today, overwhelmed in a way that, on many other days would completely overwhelm me, I thought small.
I put lotion on today.
I did my hair.
I put in three loads of laundry.
Did a short workout.
Put away my clean clothes.
Ran downstairs to grab a bottle of tea.
Little, minute things. I am thankful, and appreciate that I did them all. There are days when I don't do any of those things.
I'm lazy, tired, fatigued to the bone, unappreciative, filling my face, not caring if I can afford lunch out and grabbing it anyway, waiting for someone else to put my clothes away, too lazy to run a flight of stairs for something I want.
Every now and then I take a day where I don't do much and just enjoy being "off" for the day. I'm not talking about those days. I'm talking about the days where the filter is so heavy that nothing appeals, nothing matters much, and everything was specifically calculated to irritate me. Those are not good days.
For the here, right now, I am very thankful for the tiny, little miracles that fill my time.