I Don't Know If Indulging Is Good

Cheat Days

Are they really a good thing?

Maybe a day. But any more than that, and trouble starts.

Today I'm feeling a bit frustrated. I'm feeling that skin-jumping feeling I often have when I'm "detoxing" from a day or two off.

There is something liberating about eating whatever you want, even in semi-moderation. No time spend logging, no worries about what I'm putting in a recipe, just not... worrying about.

But when I do that, especially in consecutive days/weeks/months, then the worry shifts to what I'm going to wear, how I don't feel comfortable in anything - not even my own body. So I guess the momentary feelings of discomfort win out.

I guess.

They do, they do.

Nobody said it was going to be easy.

I just wish that there weren't so many difficult corners to turn.

Today was my first day back to work. There's so much I haven't gotten done. We were snowed in a few days before Christmas, and that set me back. My husbands working all kinds of overtime so we can keep up on the bills - so I'm basically at single mom status with everyone at home. Paying bills, trying to make dinners.

I don't feel good. I feel edgy, jumpy, irritated. I feel like yelling at everyone, hibernating in my bed with a bottle of wine and something fatty, salty, and sweet. I feel like doing everything I know is wrong to make myself feel better.

Cookies make me feel better. Salty, gooey, sticky, greasy, alcohol... all that makes me feel better. Even if it is only for a few moments.

My bar (for myself) is set lower. Low. I know there are people who lie in bed and won't leave the house - and then there are high functioning people who get gifts out on time, and have money, get out to exercise, raise stable kids, and have a nice circle of friends.

I'm neither of those. I'm in between. I'm sick of feeling the way I do, with bouts of joy between the misery. I really am. When it's good, it's good, and when it's awful - it's really awful.

Right now every single bump in the house - just normal sounds kids make - sets my heart scattering. I'm on needles, pins and needles. I hate feeling like this. It makes me wonder if it is part of me not having my food and dealing with my emotions.

I just don't know.


Lori said...

When I eat too much sugar I get weepy and jittery. Maybe the same for you.

As for cheat days, I used them a good bit early on in my weight loss journey. Instead of eating the food I craved, I kept a list of what I wanted. I would pick a day in the future to have those things. Initially, I'd try to eat all of them, then it became just one or two special ones. It really helped me stay on track. And since I wasn't feeling guilty about the indulgence, it was easier to get back with the program. The 'cheating' was always for a very defined period. That was vital for me.

Hang in there. You can do this. I know it.

Bonita Gordita said...

Thanks Lori. I'm still figuring out what I need for the long run. Maybe in the future I won't "binge" as much (totally going off a day). I don't really know. I do know that I could be losing faster if I weren't going off as much, but I also know that I've stuck with it, and maybe it is because I'm not being a perfectionist - which can be problematic for me.