Are they really a good thing?
Maybe a day. But any more than that, and trouble starts.
Today I'm feeling a bit frustrated. I'm feeling that skin-jumping feeling I often have when I'm "detoxing" from a day or two off.
There is something liberating about eating whatever you want, even in semi-moderation. No time spend logging, no worries about what I'm putting in a recipe, just not... worrying about.
But when I do that, especially in consecutive days/weeks/months, then the worry shifts to what I'm going to wear, how I don't feel comfortable in anything - not even my own body. So I guess the momentary feelings of discomfort win out.
They do, they do.
Nobody said it was going to be easy.
I just wish that there weren't so many difficult corners to turn.
Today was my first day back to work. There's so much I haven't gotten done. We were snowed in a few days before Christmas, and that set me back. My husbands working all kinds of overtime so we can keep up on the bills - so I'm basically at single mom status with everyone at home. Paying bills, trying to make dinners.
I don't feel good. I feel edgy, jumpy, irritated. I feel like yelling at everyone, hibernating in my bed with a bottle of wine and something fatty, salty, and sweet. I feel like doing everything I know is wrong to make myself feel better.
Cookies make me feel better. Salty, gooey, sticky, greasy, alcohol... all that makes me feel better. Even if it is only for a few moments.
My bar (for myself) is set lower. Low. I know there are people who lie in bed and won't leave the house - and then there are high functioning people who get gifts out on time, and have money, get out to exercise, raise stable kids, and have a nice circle of friends.
I'm neither of those. I'm in between. I'm sick of feeling the way I do, with bouts of joy between the misery. I really am. When it's good, it's good, and when it's awful - it's really awful.
Right now every single bump in the house - just normal sounds kids make - sets my heart scattering. I'm on needles, pins and needles. I hate feeling like this. It makes me wonder if it is part of me not having my food and dealing with my emotions.
I just don't know.