The last few days have been stressful. This time of year can bring on stress and blues, but it also seems that my family is never without some sort of mini-drama going on on any given day.
Today the mini-drama was a health concern of one of my children that turned out to be a less than ideal diagnosis. Basically, he plays sports, and he contacted herpes from one of his teammates (or opponents). It is better than MRSA, the nurse told me, and also told me it was incredibly common.
Thanks. Still doesn't help. Still need to grieve a bit in my own weird way. Lifelong issue plays over and over in my head. I can think of a million lifelong issues that could be more painful. But there is also a stigma around this one. So I grieve a bit about that, and about... all of it, I guess.
My husband, as I said yesterday, has been working a lot of hours. So I've been riding this boat without him for the last few days. I've phoned and emailed him more times than are appropriate during this time, too. About the herpes, about our other child who continues to fester on creating drama. About parenting issues that I'm having a hard time tackling alone, unable to wait up and have a coherent conversation in the late hour that he gets home.
I feel like part of it is ME. The way I perceive life, the way I take things in. Possibly. I don't know if someone else would cope better with my life. The financial woes, the defiant child who I have PTSD from. I don't know where the scale tipped and I began to function day to day, but I haven't been able to reel back in from it.
Nobody would realize the agony that plagues me sometimes. I don't think they see that, and that is good. I worry that my kids see it manifest, though. I hate that.
Today I did pretty good with eating. Yesterday, too. I stayed within my calorie budget. Went to bed without having one more ________ -- something I wasn't sure I could do. Today I budgeted my calories lighter in the beginning of the day so I could heavy out in the evening since it was Friday and I want to snack.
Then I got hit with some drama. My chest tightened, my diaphragm raised. I just wanted to get home to my wine and my food and my bed and my computer.
I think I might be having some PMS, too.
I came home and tried to figure out how to maximize every calorie that went into my mouth so I could afford as much as possible. I did it. I am satisfied. But I can't help but notice I ate with a vengance. I gobbled and stuffed and fed my feelings -- on healthy food. On good choices.'
I kept the same pattern. I don't know if that's any better.