I'm An Alcoholic In a Bar

The past three weeks I've basically maintained. No change. I'll weigh in officially tomorrow, but if there's no change, there's nothing really to report. Maybe I'll just grumble about it. That will be novel and unique!

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Today my boss decided to have a work brunch, complete with donuts and other carby fair. I'm not looking forward to it. Besides it being a waste of time on a short week with plenty to do, I dread it for other reasons: carbs. Food. Social events often form around food, drinks. One person is bringing donuts, the other bagels, neither of which I can eat. It's also in the middle of a time where I wouldn't normally eat.

So I will sit and sip my coffee, and think of all the things I could be accomplishing at my desk if I were there doing my work.


The even worse part of it is probably that I'm not packing a snack or delaying my breakfast so I can eat with everyone else. I had my protein shake this morning, packed my meat and veggies for lunch which I'll eat later, like an ogre at my desk. But I'm not going to bring out my steak and veggies in the middle of the brunch.

Or maybe I will.

Like an alcoholic in a bar, I am. I'll just drink the coffee or water.

Holding At 261

Yesterday I almost came and wrote a whiny I'm-not-losing-post. In fact, it was going to be about gaining.

I saw my weight bumping up, getting as high as 263 as of yesterday. I was very discouraged.

I've been re-informing myself on low-carb eating, and on lowcarb/highfat (LCHF) eating as well. I've been following a semi low carb higher fat diet for a week now, and was afraid of weight gain.

It is similar to regular low-carb, but it balances it out with a higher percentage of fat, and less carbs than say a South Beach Diet.

The only thing I've gone kind of wild on is having 1oz. of heavy cream in my tea over the past couple weeks. I've cut caffeine, and haven't had any, but replaced it with this habit. The most I have is three cups, but generally have two.

It feels very indulgent, and I'm surely going to have to give it up at some point. But for now, I enjoy it.

I haven't gone too hog wild otherwise. I don't add butter to my cheese, but I'm not as worried about frying my mushrooms in a pat of butter, either.

We will see how it goes. One thing I notice - my blood sugars/hypoglycemia-ish events are pretty much GONE.

I'm not as hungry. I still crave foods, and feel like eating when I shouldn't be - but that's part of my problem on the whole. I've been able to go without eating for hours and feeling fine - something I haven't done in a while. It is interesting.

Today I had my breakfast (2 egg omelette with mushrooms and swiss, and 3 strawberries, tea and cream). Normally it would have been 1 egg, 1 piece of toast and butter with coffee. I went to an appointment and ran some errands, not eating at all. I had the urge to stop and grab a snack, but realized I wasn't hungry or shaky - so why bother?

That. Doesn't. Happen. For. Me.

I always need snacks. I always get clammy and shaky.

For me this type of eating seems to be working. Satiating, satisfying, and has less of an impact on my body than concentrating on fat and calories. I still count my calories, but fats (which I never thought were evil) are not as evil as they were. One good thing about it is my more liberal use of olive oil, which I think is an extremely healthy part of a diet.

I'll admit I wanted to throw in the towel yesterday, but I was back at 261 today. For now. I will continue with it since I truly feel better. I will have my cholesterol checked, though, if possible.

I do want to lose weight, so I need to figure out how to do that, since I didn't this past week. I need to lose weight, and that is just as important as feeling better. Hopefully I do by my next weigh in.

Day 10 Of 11 Day Challenge... Still On Task

Two more days of this 11 Day Challenge. I (almost) made it. One more day. After today. Ha. I have a day off today, so I have a little more time to reflect on this challenge and might not tomorrow.

Here's what I said:

I came in January 2013 at 272 and I will be frustrated with myself if I leave at that weight, or can't get below 270. I probably shouldn't hold myself to such a hard degree, but I need to see some progress in myself or I am concerned frustration will set in.

I've done pretty good. I've stayed tight to my calorie limits, I've lost weight, and completely cleared 270. I feel good about things. I'd call that a success. I'm leaving January and I'm leaving the 270s. Hoo-rah, hoo-rah. It really does feel good to be looking at a goal beyond breaking 270 now.

It hasn't been easy this week, especially yesterday. After I weighed in Monday, I realized I was getting my monthly frienemy (aka "period"). It was early. I wasn't expecting it.

Tuesday I was ready to pour chocolate on my car tires and eat them. I get that desperate. I plugged in my calories for the day heading into dinner and realized my dinner was going to cost me. I needed to recaculate things to allow for more food and less calories. So, instead of the mexican gumbo bowls (pork, rice, chips, cheese - yummy), I had to settle for something vegetable-laden and bulky. Something to fill me up more for less.

I made a broccoli salad. It is 150 calories per serving and I ate two servings, topped with 2 servings of fake crab meat (140 calories). So my dinner capped out at 440 calories (verses about 600 with what I originally planned). It was filling and it satisfied me. It wasn't warm comfort food, but it was crunchy and savory and sweet and it worked.

It was only after I ate it that I realized I had calculated my snack wrong and had an extra 100 calories to spare. But you know what? I wasn't troubled or upset. I was proud of myself for not choosing to make an excuse (my monthly frienemy - which is a good one) to blow things. I was talking myself into it, and was close to blowing it on food, wine, and something sweet.

I didn't. I don't know why or how, but praise God, I did it. And I found a new mixture (crab and broccoli salad) that works for me. 

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Another thing I learned over doing this challenge is that taking care of myself requires me to be somewhat selfish. It requires me to put a bit of a spotlight on mySELF. Sometimes that is uncomfortable. 

But I want to note this for myself: I can't spend all my time on everyone else. Everyone has their thing, and if you want it, you have to prioritize it. Once I get done with MYSELF, then I can focus on other things. I volunteer my time a lot, and when I wasn't working it made sense. I wasn't working and I was horribly fat. Now, I'm working and I'm trying to manage a home, and I'm trying to get to a healthier place for myself. It is OK for me to do that.

Another note: There is always time. Priorities. Everything anyone says about better health and weight loss/maintenance is true. You have to commit to it. You have to live it. You have to make it a priority. I've managed to find time to plan meals, count calories, exercise (3x per week) - only because I made it a priority. I've still paid bills, talked to people, attended my kid's events - but I've spent less time wasting on the internet, on sleeping, on eating. I can't say that every day allows for the time, but disciplining myself to get off the computer, or get off my duff, or get up a bit earlier... that's what gets me there.

I don't know what I will do after tomorrow. On comes a new month. I might allow myself a "day off" this weekend for the Super Bowl. I don't know. Today I feel good. I got up and worked out, ate a yummy breakfast... have a list of things to do, and will happily check some off. 

I will go into February at 268. I am one pound away from being half-way to my goal. I am one pound away from losing 70 pounds. Wowzy. I'd like to leave February below 264, because I aim to leave March below 260. That gives me 8 weeks to lose 8 pounds. Maybe that is my next challenge! 

Doing Too Much For My Kids

I know I mentioned before how I was a creature of habit with my morning egg and toast. Well, my lunches (at work) can be on the mundane, habitual side as well. Quite often I eat the Lean Cuisine meat lasagna. It fills me up, tastes decent, and is relatively inexpensive. I keep a few in my freezer so I always have something to grab.

I also keep a 4-pack box of Starkist tuna pouches in my drawer at work for back-up, or to add to a carby meal. Sometimes when I'm flat out desperate, I just go ahead and eat that tuna pouch as-is.

Other times I bring my own lunch, packed from leftovers. I have these glass, 2-cup containers with lids that work out nicely. 

Today, though, I had a new Lean Cuisine - Chicken Makhani. I've had other Indian dishes by LC and have been OK with them - except one of them was not made with real chicken and it gave me a bit of a bloaty, "off" feeling that I didn't like. The flavor was fine, but the after-bloat, not so much.

This one was pretty good. It had about 3 strips of chicken in it, with a side of rice and some sauce. I also doused it with some red pepper flakes to kick up the heat - and that really did the trick for me. I'll definitely get it again.

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Day 3 of the EA Sports Active, and I have to say I wasn't all that impressed today. Maybe it was a "slower" workout day, or something - I really don't know. All I know is I was hardly sweating when I was done. Granted, I'm on the "easy" setting (I thought I should for the first few), but still, I felt a wanting when I was done and ended up going for a quick walk after. 

I guess I should focus on the fact that I was doing something and eating better. That's a win-win.

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My attitude has been kind of sucky lately. I can't pinpoint why, though. Stress, probably, since that's the root of most of my bad attitude days. When I can't stuff it down with food or alcohol (or chocolate), I get kinda cranky. I have a feeling if I were thinner and had the means, I might resort to running. Had I a treadmill, I'd be on it right now. I can't go walk our neighborhood for free, though.

I have desires to go for long runs at night, hours-long bike rides, long ventures that don't end quickly. I'm just not there right now. I don't know if I will ever be. 

Sometimes, I think I should get a gym membership and throw myself into working out. Days like today I feel like I put way too much time into my kids and too little time into myself. I don't feel valued or special, I don't feel like my kids are appreciative that I support them. It's normal for them, and they take it for granted. Maybe if I had more to myself, I wouldn't feel resentful and they wouldn't feel so commonplace about everything I do for them.


A couple examples:
Yesterday I was volunteering for one of their activities. They showed irritation that I wouldn't be able to (do something/give more) because I was already tied up in my volunteer commitment. "Wait a second, I'm doing this for YOUR team, for YOUR activity - not me... how are you going to demand more of me than that," I asked.

Today we were watching something on TV as a family - something that interests the kids. Because they spend so much time with this interest, I've learned more about it and have opinions on it, too. So I gave mine and got ridiculed for it. I love my kids, they are GREAT. So I'm not really saying they are being brats. They are, sort of, but they also aren't. I'm pointing a finger at myself, here, too. Maybe I need to step back a bit and give some time to myself. I just don't know.I know my feelings are hurt. I escaped off to my computer (again), hurt. I don't know what that means. I don't know a lot of things. I'm trying to figure that out.

Stuffing Feelings With Healthy Food... Is It Better?

The last few days have been stressful. This time of year can bring on stress and blues, but it also seems that my family is never without some sort of mini-drama going on on any given day.

Today the mini-drama was a health concern of one of my children that turned out to be a less than ideal diagnosis. Basically, he plays sports, and he contacted herpes from one of his teammates (or opponents). It is better than MRSA, the nurse told me, and also told me it was incredibly common.

Thanks. Still doesn't help. Still need to grieve a bit in my own weird way. Lifelong issue plays over and over in my head. I can think of a million lifelong issues that could be more painful. But there is also a stigma around this one. So I grieve a bit about that, and about... all of it, I guess.

My husband, as I said yesterday, has been working a lot of hours. So I've been riding this boat without him for the last few days. I've phoned and emailed him more times than are appropriate during this time, too. About the herpes, about our other child who continues to fester on creating drama. About parenting issues that I'm having a hard time tackling alone, unable to wait up and have a coherent conversation in the late hour that he gets home.

I feel like part of it is ME. The way I perceive life, the way I take things in. Possibly. I don't know if someone else would cope better with my life. The financial woes, the defiant child who I have PTSD from. I don't know where the scale tipped and I began to function day to day, but I haven't been able to reel back in from it.

Nobody would realize the agony that plagues me sometimes. I don't think they see that, and that is good. I worry that my kids see it manifest, though. I hate that.

Today I did pretty good with eating. Yesterday, too. I stayed within my calorie budget. Went to bed without having one more ________ -- something I wasn't sure I could do. Today I budgeted my calories lighter in the beginning of the day so I could heavy out in the evening since it was Friday and I want to snack.

Then I got hit with some drama. My chest tightened, my diaphragm raised. I just wanted to get home to my wine and my food and my bed and my computer.

I think I might be having some PMS, too.

I came home and tried to figure out how to maximize every calorie that went into my mouth so I could afford as much as possible. I did it. I am satisfied. But I can't help but notice I ate with a vengance. I gobbled and stuffed and fed my feelings -- on healthy food. On good choices.'

I kept the same pattern. I don't know if that's any better.

I Don't Know If Indulging Is Good

Cheat Days

Are they really a good thing?

Maybe a day. But any more than that, and trouble starts.

Today I'm feeling a bit frustrated. I'm feeling that skin-jumping feeling I often have when I'm "detoxing" from a day or two off.

There is something liberating about eating whatever you want, even in semi-moderation. No time spend logging, no worries about what I'm putting in a recipe, just not... worrying about.

But when I do that, especially in consecutive days/weeks/months, then the worry shifts to what I'm going to wear, how I don't feel comfortable in anything - not even my own body. So I guess the momentary feelings of discomfort win out.

I guess.

They do, they do.

Nobody said it was going to be easy.

I just wish that there weren't so many difficult corners to turn.

Today was my first day back to work. There's so much I haven't gotten done. We were snowed in a few days before Christmas, and that set me back. My husbands working all kinds of overtime so we can keep up on the bills - so I'm basically at single mom status with everyone at home. Paying bills, trying to make dinners.

I don't feel good. I feel edgy, jumpy, irritated. I feel like yelling at everyone, hibernating in my bed with a bottle of wine and something fatty, salty, and sweet. I feel like doing everything I know is wrong to make myself feel better.

Cookies make me feel better. Salty, gooey, sticky, greasy, alcohol... all that makes me feel better. Even if it is only for a few moments.

My bar (for myself) is set lower. Low. I know there are people who lie in bed and won't leave the house - and then there are high functioning people who get gifts out on time, and have money, get out to exercise, raise stable kids, and have a nice circle of friends.

I'm neither of those. I'm in between. I'm sick of feeling the way I do, with bouts of joy between the misery. I really am. When it's good, it's good, and when it's awful - it's really awful.

Right now every single bump in the house - just normal sounds kids make - sets my heart scattering. I'm on needles, pins and needles. I hate feeling like this. It makes me wonder if it is part of me not having my food and dealing with my emotions.

I just don't know.

Weigh In - 287

Lean Cuisine Indian-style Masala. I like it. As much as I don't like microwaving foods in plastic containers, I do it. It's a compromise.

One of my hangups with better eating is the time and brain power it takes to track my food and exercise, plan (so that I don't resort to what is the easiest, and often less healthy), plan meals, and basically just to feed myself appropriately. I do purchase pre-portioned, packaged meals to grab for times like these. It is very easy for me to fail simply because I don't want to think. Today is one of those days.

Weigh In: 287. No change. Stayed the same. I did well. I ate under my calories and exercised. But the weekend came and I was busy and from sundown on Saturday to Sunday evening I didn't pay much attention. I hate to think that in the span of 24 hours I completely undid all of the good work from earlier on in the week. I'm still a bit confused on that one.

It was frustrating to see the scale make no change. I feel OK. Maybe slightly better. I don't know. I feel like I've kept on track. That's about it.

I also feel like when I let myself go, it makes it harder to pull back in. Which is why the pre-packaged meal came in handy.

What I DO like, though, is that my habits are taking a better path. I have to look at that. And I'm not gaining. I'm not on my way up to 300, like I was so fearful I would be.

So, those are little non-scale victories, which is what I can cling to today. Twice in the past 7 days I've gotten up and exercised early in the morning. That's something I simply Do Not Do. That's cool.

Continue.

That's the operative word for today. Just simply continue. Don't get frustrated, don't give up. Just keep going this week and don't worry about it.

Serving Size of Dry vs Cooked Pasta

Figuring out the serving sizes of dry vs. cooked pasta has been a bit of an issue for me. The box says 2oz of dry pasta. Great. That's easy enough, but considering you boil the pasta prior to eating it, dry measurements aren't very helpful. When it comes time to count my calories, I can get a little neurotic trying to figure it all out. So today I did a little experiment.

Below, 2oz. of DRY pasta. Not much to it, just 2oz. of pasta, weighed out. Not very impressive, and doesn't amount to a whole lot.

I boiled this in a small saucepan, separate from the big batch boiling for the rest of the family.

Here it is after being thrown into boiling, salted water for a bout 12 minutes.

Not a huge difference visually. Maybe doubled. But less pasta than my kids would eat in a sitting. More importantly, is the weight.

The COOKED pasta comes to 126 grams.

Dry pasta: 2oz (aka 56 grams)

Cooked pasta: 126 grams (aka 4.3 ounces)

So, a simple calculation would be that you can measure out 4 ounces of cooked pasta to equal the 2oz. serving size of dry pasta.

When eying it up in my bowl, I figured it was about the size of a Lean Cuisine or other pre-packaged foods for fatties. It's a normal serving size. I ate it, with a little bit of sauce, some olive oil and parmesan cheese, contemplating the me a year ago who would probably eat double that amount. Most restaurants give double or triple that for their portion sizes.

Hope that's helpful to someone else. It sure helped me.

Veggie Obsession

Here's one of my current veggie obsession:

broccoli sprouts & homemade salsa (or pico de gallo from the store)

dress with oil & vinegar or Newman's light balsamic

Very yummy. I use about 1 cup of "fluffed" sprouts, and 1/3 cup salsa, or whatever combination. I ate it twice today. Very good, very low calorie.

Processed Food Diet

Little rice cakes, lean Hot Pockets, breakfast shakes, 100-calorie popcorn...

And a Guinness beer. For the 2nd night in a row. If that's wrong, I just don't wanna be right. OK, maybe I do, but I'm having a hard time of it. Guinness gives me the most pack for the least punch, and I would like a beer every now and then. I'm worried, though, that even if I stay within my caloric intake, the beer is going to stagnate my weight loss. Has happened before.

I did take two (count 'em) two walks. And now I will go eat a salad to get my greens on.

I love that there's these low-calorie options out there, but I also feel like I'm eating the word "processed" with a capitol P. It might be what I need right now to keep things simple, and to stay on track. But my longer term goal would be to eat simpler (read: less-processed) foods, in moderation that still allows for a healthier way of being.

For the record: I did not buy the pre-packaged 100-calorie snacks. I bought the BIG bag and divided them up into the portions myself. I mean, come on now. Why am I going to pay all that just to have it in those little packages (if I don't have to)?