Why Am I Losing Weight

After I weighed in (269), I walked into the kitchen and the thought that popped into my head was:

Why exactly AM I losing weight?

Kind of weird, huh?

I mean, what a dumb question from someone who weighs more than a linebacker. One would think the better question is why wouldn't I want to lose weight?

I do want to lose weight. Primarily I do want to fit into clothes better, and then my second thought that pops into my head is to be be able to be more active. I'd like to run. I'd like to be able to play soccer or baseball, or another fun sport - things I could not do in the past.

#1 Fit better into clothes.
#2 Play fun sports.

Two decent reasons. I guess I could live without both of those, but not to the fullness that I feel I desire.

There's other reasons, but those two popped immediately into my head.

I can do #1 already now. Twenty-five pounds ago, I couldn't. My clothes felt tight and restrictive. I couldn't buy a 2x and fit right into it. I had to go to 3x. I'd like to ditch the X all together. At that point, I think I'd be satisfied.

#2 I can not do. I bowl, play volleyball. Maybe run in a race with my kids. But I can't join a team and have fun, or run a race. I realize I will be 40 this year, and it's not the best time to start playing a sport. Clearly. But it's easier than trying at 50... or 60. If I think on it too long I get very sad about it, about all the time in my life I could have been running, playing, enjoying that freedom - and I haven't been able to.

Right now I could probably work towards running a race, but my belly flaps too much. I'll just be honest. My fitness levels would allow me to start breaking into some of these things, but my belly won't. And that's not going to change. I really need to figure something out with that, because I don't want to start living if/when I can ever get rid of my flapping belly.

Confession: I think my relationships suffer because of the oppression I feel within myself. I could be wrong, and maybe I'm just an unhappy ogre, regardless of being a fatty. But, I wonder - and hope - that as my body changes, my emotions might, too. I don't know, though.


Lori said...

Go shopping and find yourself some really cute running pants. They have spandex in them now and they'll hold that belly down while you run. Don't let that control you. You control it. You are in charge.

Bonita Gordita said...

Lori - your encouragement is AWESOME, girl. <3