Old Goals

I'm keeping a record of my old goals here so I can remember them.  But updated my goals so I can re-achieve them.

MAJOR GOALS

 238 (100 pounds GONE)

Mini Goals

2016

 below 280

 below 270

 good habits through May

 size 24 pants

 clothes too loose

 jog 1 mile

 Goals Achieved 

 stay below 300

 Bike the 5-mile loop, no stopping

 below 290 (8/24/12)

 below285 (10/12)

 below 277 (11/12/12)

 below 269 (1/2 way to goal) (1/28/13)

 fit comfortably into clothes again (1/13)

 260 (lower than my lowest) 4/22/13

 257 (see this) 4/29/13

 someone ask if I've lost weight (not family) (6/13)

Reassessing My Goals

I want to take a look at my goals. I made some notes in red.

MAJOR GOALS

 238 (100 pounds GONE)

(want to get here by 10/13)

I'm not sure I can do this. I doubt it. If I get under 250 by this time I'll be happy. I'm having a really hard time breaking 250.

Mini Goals

2013

 fit comfortably into black jeans 

Almost here. Almost. Those stupid jeans are seriously out of style at this point, but I want to be able to wear them comfortably just once.

 below 250

If I don't make this before 2013 waves goodbye, I'm going to be severely disappointed with myself. Seriously. 

 size 24 pants

I'm actually there already. 

 clothes too loose
Yeah, this needs a little more time - my old clothes are too loose, but I'd like my current clothes to be too loose. So it's Round 2 of clothes too loose, maybe.

 jog 1 mile
I really don't care about this, to be honest. My health monitor should be a consistent pattern of 3x walking per week, 30 mins. - and then go from there. So maybe I'll set a goal based off of that.

I think I need to focus on some consistency. Making things habit. I've made my eating habit, and really have stayed well with lower carb foods, but I need to make my walking habit, too, my journaling habit. That's when I do best with weight loss. I've been maintaining without journaling, which is fantastic. But I do think being more diligent with counting calories puts me in a better position to lose weight. So, for the next 30 days, I'll work on those things:

30-DAY CHALLENGE
Minimum 3x30 walking workout.
Journaling food.

That's not too hard. I can manage that. I want to feel amazing again. I felt amazing getting down to the 250s, but now it's become normal and I feel fat and bulky. I need to continue.

 Goals Achieved 

 stay below 300

 Bike the 5-mile loop, no stopping

 below 290 (8/24/12)

 below285 (10/12)

 below 277 (11/12/12)

 below 269 (1/2 way to goal) (1/28/13)

 fit comfortably into clothes again (1/13)

 260 (lower than my lowest) 4/22/13

 257 (see this) 4/29/13

 someone ask if I've lost weight (not family)(6/13)

I Overindulged On Labor Day

I should update here.

Today is the first day back to school for my kids. The house is quiet, but empty without them here. I have a list of things I need to do and know I will not have enough time to do all of it. But I'm at peace. I'll do what I can do.

A backpack.
Dinner.
Laundry.

I can handle those things.

The rest... we'll see.

¶

I went off my low carb"diet" on Labor Day.

Not for the entire day, but for a meal. I had a beer. I had macaroni and cheese. I had potatoes. I had wine (normally I allow that, but I'm throwing it in there). I had cake. And pie. And then I had another bite of the cake. And the pie.

And then I started to feel sick. Not like just my tummy was about to explode, but like I wanted to crawl out of my own skin and pump my stomach sick. I had this feeling once before when I drank wine and ate dinner at a friend's house. I think there was hidden carbs/sugar in the chicken's sauce, and I didn't have enough other non-carb fillers to buffer the blow.

I literally thought I was going to melt. I can't explain the feeling, but it's beyond a pat on the tummy to indicate a well-indulged meal. It's a feeling like something is freaking WRONG in my system, and my body wants to expel it, even if it has to squirt it through my eyeballs.

It was nice to just eat like everyone else and not worry about it. I still loaded up on meat and kept the others to small portions, but after having none, even small portions is a shock. I do have to say that over and above the dessert (which was SO good), was the macaroni and cheese. I'll have to try that using cauliflower instead for a sub, because I really do enjoy that recipe. I enjoy mac and cheese.

I also was a bloated animal, weighing 258 on the scale the next day. I'm down to 255 today, but I can see that the ramifications are lasting a bit.

However, I think I needed that "cheat day/meal" - I have been for a while. It reminded me of why I'm eating the way I'm eating. I felt somewhere on the scale of that ickiness quite often while I was eating carbs, and it wasn't pleasant.

I'll keep figuring this out. Right now I need to refocus on losing weight. I won't make that 100 pound loss by my deadline. But I bet I can make it by Christmas if I really try. What a treat it would be to me to be able to feel baggy in my comfortable clothes now? It would be a HUGE treat. I'm not at a weight that I think is sustainable for ever, though, I could. It's better than 338 or 295. But I'd like to get rid of another 50ish pounds and see if I can maintain that.

I hope by this time next year I'm at that point. I certainly could be.

I'm Not Going To Make It

I've got some good news, and some bad news. Which one do you want first?

Bad?

OK.

BAD NEWS:
I've had this goal of trying to get down 100 pounds before my birthday and there's literally no way.

I counted I have 7 weeks. That would be a bit over a pound a week.

I just don't think I can do it.

I mean, yeah. I don't think so. I was trying in my head to say - maybe if you pushed it super hard?

But... that's just not me. I don't push super hard like that because it generally leads to a rebound of crazy eating patterns. My body can only take so much deprivation.


GOOD NEWS:
I had a good day yesterday. I want to go back to the "no alcohol" thing for a few days - maybe even a week. That would take me over the weekend, which would be a struggle, but I'm contemplating. Alcohol stalls my weight loss, but it also feeds me carbs and sugar (in the form of red wine). I eat more when I have drinks for two reasons:

Cocktails taste good with food

I'm in the habit of "buffering" the alcohol and carbs with food.

I notice I'm less hungry and more satisfied when I'm not having cocktails.

So, for me, drinking daily isn't conducive to weight loss - even if it is a glass of wine at night.

Hmm. As I read this I'm not really sure if that's "good" news. I love my red wine. But - when I'm not drinking my red wine, I love fitting into my clothes and feeling better in my skin. I have to remember that and remind myself of it often.

This is NOW and right now, I'm trying to lose, not maintain. It's just not an option right now.

Oh, and I think I sleep better when I don't have a cocktail.
I'm also less likely to be dehydrated.

Need I more reasons?

That’s because alcohol cravings and carbohydrate cravings seem to have similar origins in the brain. (link)

I don't know what the rest of that site is like, but I've read about this on more than one site; the sentiment is the same.

My not drinking of alcohol at times is necessary so that I don't switch my carb addiction to something new. I know I can go without sweets for lengths of time, but then I still have wine as a crutch. Can I go without both? Yes. Is it fun? Not really (I mean "fun" socially or taste-wise). But if I had both daily I'd feel like crap and be chasing carbs in a circle. I can't do that.

One Of Those Mornings - And A Check In On NSV

I didn't have time to weigh myself today properly (meaning naked). It was "one of those mornings" where I got up late, barely had time to shower, make coffee, and do what I needed before work. Thankfully it is also the last day of work for me for FOUR DAYS. And my boss didn't come in today so I was alone in the office. Both of those things helped. I made the decision to skip making coffee and just pick one up on the way.

Good decision.

 Unfortunately I didn't have anything prepared for lunch, so I had to grab some cooked kale, a pre-made shake, and throw some eggs on to boil while I quick showered. The eggs, I found later at work, were not boiled. I put them in the microwave and gagged them down. I knew I would be starving if I didn't.

I'm happy with my weight loss, but I'd be a liar if I didn't say the preparations and thought that goes into it are overwhelming sometimes. But it's a delightful trade off.

So I survived my work day, and I will not think about work for a while. Halleluja!

While I'm stalling, I'll mention a couple things that have happened this month... to motivate and remind myself that scale moving isn't everything.

1.) Again, my wardrobe has expanded by a billion. I'm really (really) really enjoying getting dressed.

2.) A couple of my pants are sagging on me. I have to hike them up all the time and if I ran, they'd fall down.

3.) We went out with friends the other night and my girlfriend couldn't shut up about how great I looked. Truly.

4.) A man told my husband I was (expletive) gorgeous, and he was was bummed that I was married. He was younger than me, too. How nice.

5.) My rings are getting loose.

6.) I bought 2 pairs of exercise pants one size down (22/24). Granted they are forgiving, but still. That wouldn't have happened last year.

That's enough for now. Those are all good. They're great, really. Fantastic, actually.

I feel like I'm turning a bit of a corner, and maybe I just mentally need to hang out here for a bit and enjoy it. It's a bit overwhelming. There's the physical component to this, and then there's the mental.

I'm wondering when my rings will fall off.
I'm wondering when I'll need to ditch my current pants for some smaller ones. I can't WAIT.

I'm so hoping I can shed some pounds this month. I don't know what my goals are, but I definitely want to get below this blasted 250 mark!

Weigh in tomorrow, no matter what.

I Haven't Arrived Yet

I haven't arrived yet.

I realized that today. The word "journey" is way over-used, but I'm going to use it. I haven't arrived on my journey. I don't know if you ever do, really, with substantial weight loss. It's an ongoing thing. Maybe if you've maintained for years, and realize that your choices have simply become who you are and a way of life?

I was posting a message on a weight loss site, it was asking about your "wow" moment. I read through the responses, and then typed out this:

I don't think I've had one yet. Not really. I have little moments of joy, but I think my wow moments are yet to come.

I'm SO excited to hit my 100 pounds lost mark.I'm SO excited to get out of the clothes I'm wearing and into a new size.I'm SO excited to have my kids be proud of me, to see what I can accomplish.

I'm on my way, but I don't think I've arrived yet. 

I have a destination, but it doesn't really have a number. It has some numbers on the way, but not really one to end with.

I feel like I need to be below 230 for sure. I just don't know how far below. I've always felt rather decently when I hovered around 210 - 220 before. Remember - everyone is different. Some people feel like a whale at that weight. I didn't. Some people feel like a whale at 250, and I feel like I have a new lease on life. Who knows what another 30 - 40 pounds would feel like to me?

There's surprises along the way of any road traveled - any journey to a destination. You stop and see the sights, but you know that you're not there yet. You're still on the road. Most people have a specific end, a destination. Mine is more vague, not a specific number. I know how far I want to go - just not where I want to be after I've gone that far. I know what state I want to be in, but not which city - liken it to that.

I want to feel good in my own skin. 

I want to be able to do whatever I want physically (sports, etc.) and feel healthy.

I want clothes to fit nicely.

I want people to be able to visibly see I've lost weight.

I want to feel like I've lost weight (already accomplished).

I want to be healthy (somewhat accomplished).

I want to be able to nourish my body without extremely starving/depriving myself.

I know that my idea of a comfortable weight isn't going to be the standard medical field's idea. I think my ideal weight is 135 or something, and I know that it would kill me to try to maintain that sort of weight. Unless I somehow magically became a super-active runner who enjoyed it so much that I was constantly doing it, allowing me a much larger caloric allotment - otherwise, it ain't happenin'. I think my body would really fight me on that. I've never been skinny.

My lowest weight I can remember is 140-something when I was a teenager. My mom thought I was anorexic. I was just smoking cigarettes and barely eating, and was a teenager (even though my metabolism was sluggy then). It didn't last long. I settled in around 180ish, I think for quite some time, then found a new home in the 200s.

180? 200? 220?

Who knows. I hope I do when I get there.

----------

On another note, all of my summer clothes that I was bursting out of last year - they all fit, and some of them are LOOSE!

I Could Go Either Way

I'm at one of those resting points again (mentally).

I could go either way.

Up, or down.

I'm working on down, but I'm in the mental mode of visioning.

At the beginning of 2013 I was 272 pounds.

I hope by the middle of this year (June) I can be 252 pounds. I don't know if it is likely, because the pounds are having a hard time getting off again. But I'm very close. So close I can start to fantasize about it. With the way the past few weeks have gone, though, it feels like it is draaaaaaaaaaging and each pound is a miracle.

My old me starts wondering why I'm sacrificing so much for a couple pounds. I have to fight that old me away with a stick. Get back!

When my head starts those games, I have to tell it that if I keep going, I could leave the year 20 pounds heavier, or 20 pounds lighter (I've written about this before). I don't want to keep yo-yoing. The reality is I don't want to be in my 250s for life, or my 270s. So, sure, I could go back up - but eventually I'll want to get back down. It's getting harder and harder to re-lose weight. -- Or to lose it PERIOD.

I can see from some of the blogs I go to - people losing 100 pounds in a year. It just isn't me. I'd love it, but it isn't me. I have to work with what I have, as frustrating as it is.

I have to start envisioning myself 20 pounds down the line - a place where I haven't been in as long as I can remember. That would put me at 100 pounds down, which is a HUGE GOAL OF MINE. It's almost like a lottery win, because there's a part of me that feels it is unattainable. That the hard of it will be too hard.

There's no reason I can't do it, even slow and steady.

For two months now I've been eating lower carb.

In those two months I've lost 9 pounds.

Do you know some people drop that in a week of doing low carb? Oy.

I'm thrilled to have lost the weight that seemed like it was going nowhere, but I'm frustrated that it takes so long for me. It is hard not to look at those "100 pounds in a year" people and be envious, comparing myself to them a little bit. I read Escape from Obesity the other day and her continued fight to keep/drop weight, and the calorie restrictions she has - and it still isn't coming off. I know that frustration. I can't help but be concerned that if/when I hit below 200, at what cost would that be?

At what calorie restriction would I have to put myself at to be able to hold a semi-reasonable weight?

For me, it might end up being worth it to be a porker and eat more freely. It just might. I don't know, but even the difference between 250 and 290 is pretty contrasted for me. It's the quality of life that comes into play, though.

My guess is once/if I can get down about 50 more pounds, I will have to incorporate a higher level of activity to my life on a continual basis. Right now I can't seem to do that without stalling my weight loss - but maybe in time it will become part of maintenance for me.

I hope that, at this time next year, I am riding the waves of 200 or below... I have to look at the bigger picture, even if things are slow. I have to remember where I could be if I would have stuck with things longer than 9 months. If I would have lost or maintained instead of re-gaining and re-losing. That 30 pounds I've dumped and found over and over could have been 90 pounds of loss, putting me at 210 pounds. Same work, difference outcomes.

My goals for this week:

3x exercise
1 pound weight loss
enjoy myself
Metformin?

Weigh in on Wednesday! See you then.

Greedy With My Weight Loss

After I posted yesterday, I realized I had hit a goal of mine.

I don't usually like counting it as having been made unless I surpass it (like getting a pound below it), but I'll put it:

257 (see this)

That was actually two years (three) ago that I posted that. I was 277 pounds, and talking about my resistance to change.

Today I weighed in at 277. My strange mental problem won't let me make it official. I thought on this off and on through the day, wondering what my malfunction is.

My head was holding me at the 300 pound mark, somewhere my head is very comfortable.

It's all good. Changes in the right direction. But it is still change, something I'm not always entirely comfortable with. If I have the strength to get down into the 250 zone I will literally poo in my pants. I'm 20 pounds away from 257, and 20 pounds away from 297. 

Which will win out?

It took a while, but somehow I've gotten to that 257. Surreal reading that and being here now.

I really didn't think it could ever happen. And I didn't poo in my pants. Right now amazing, to me, is the hope that I might get down to 238. I might actually lose 100 pounds. Am I getting greedy?

Exercise Making Me Tired?

Is it possible that exercise makes you tired?
And hungry?

I found an article the other day (I'll have to dig up the link again) that spoke to exercising and hunger, and why some people don't lose because they are ravished, eat more, and stay the same weight.

I know people say that they have more energy when they workout. Maybe they mean stamina? Or do they truly mean energy? I would say I might have more stamina... but not energy. Maybe it's something that will come with time. I find I'm tired, my body is sore, and I'm way more hungry.

But my body craves the movement. I can tell.

Yesterday I was busy cooking dinner, and more than anything would have liked to get down to watching something on Netflix, but I had a strong urge to get going for a nighttime walk with my dog. So I set off, taking the hill straight off, and logged about 43 minutes of walking. I didn't get the distance I get on the treadmill, but then I was wearing boots and avoiding ice at times. But I was at a decent clip and was sweating when I got home.

The air felt... so good. The night breeze, just getting out felt good.

But it was a "rest" day.

Now today I'm supposed to hit the gym after work and I'm still beat.

I'm not a die-hard gym person, and I do enjoy walks, hikes, and biking outdoors.

So I'm contemplating today switching to the bike instead of the treadmill. Just to switch it up a bit, to give different muscles some work, and to give my walking muscles a break. We shall see.

I will still hit the circuit after (works arms and a bit of legs). I don't like to have to lug a separate bag to work and everything, but I could find a million excuses not to go.

I don't have an gym bag - something I'd like. I'm saving that for a month's worth of going consistently  and the hope of getting under 260 at some point in the next decade. I'm not sure what will come first.

I Do Not Want To Fail

It's weird. I know I have been frustrated with my weight loss, and how slow it has been. Don't get me wrong - I've been pleased. I'm going down, I'm feeling and seeing the difference. But, like most people, I'm a little impatient. I'd like that 10 pounds per month loss that I feel like I should have, given the work and sacrifices I'm putting in.

When I count calories all week and bust butt on the treadmill, only to get on the scale and have it move a measly pound, it is disappointing. On the same token, I'm happy to have lost a pound and not stalled out. So I'm stuck between being thrilled and irritated. Ha!

Today, though, as I walked into work, aware of being lighter than I've been in a while (once again), I was pleased. I felt good. Satisfied with where I am. Happy to not be where I was. The 260's feel like the new normal to me. My new "start point" since I've already been here, lost it, only to lose it again. I rolled my stats over in my head.

February 2012: 292 pounds
February 2013: 267 pounds
Difference: 25 pounds

As much as I'd love to lose a heckton of weight before I turn 40 this year in the fall, I'd also like to keep this off FOR GOOD.

I reminded myself that if I kept on this trend, even losing slowly, I'd be down 25 pounds by next year, which would put me at 242 pounds. The next year, 217, the next - 195.

I must remember that is BETTER THAN WHERE I'VE BEEN. I have to keep that in my head.

I've given myself this speil before and have failed at it, landing right back where I was. Each time I was determined not to get back there. Each time. Does this one feel different?

Yes.

It does. I'm scared to say it because I'm afraid of being wrong. I'm afraid of failing. I don't want to say too much to the people in my life out of fear.

But the other day my son came over, put his arms around me and gave me a big hug. A comfortable hug. He tried to jerk me off the ground (he's not big enough for that). We didn't say much, but I had a thought that he had noticed my weight loss, and wanted to get his arms around me.

I do, too. I wanted the same thing.

My other son asked if I went to the gym and if that was going to be normal for me now.

I'm sad for the time that has gone by where I've been big, and unable to focus on myself. I'm really trying to delegate some of my responsibilities so that I'm not logged down so much, and I can focus some on myself. I'm trying to hand over some things to my husband. To let some things go.

My youngest will be in high school next year and I'm determined to be below this notch by then. I'm determined to start living better.

I do not want to fail.

Weigh In: 267 Halfway To Goal!

Well, the scale budged. Unexpectedly. Sort of not really.

I did weigh in at 267 last week, but felt like it wasn't decisive. So I didn't report it. I figure if it's there, it will happen for sure in time. Well it did today, hovering almost to 266. But that will come in time - if it's there.

Last week was pretty good, except for the horrifying events at the gym (just being at the gym is horrifying). I really don't like to work out. I like to play - volleyball, soccer, hiking - but I don't like to get on the treadmill or any other machine like that. I really don't. I mean I feel better after doing it, proud of myself, accomplished, yadda yadda. But I hate every second of it.

I have to force myself not to look at the time, calories, distance, willing them to move more quickly. It's about the only time in life where I want time to speed up, rather than slow down.

Mercy.

I'm building up to 3.1 so I can get in my first 5k. Gosh, that sounds like something that would not come out of my mouth. But, I need goals, and unless I have one I feel like a hamster on a wheel, and it drives me crazy. If I'm walking outside, I need to know my start and end route, or I'm feeling lost as well. So it just makes sense.

So far I've just shifted my 20 minute walks to 40 minutes at 3.0 mph. I also throw in a nice incline with that to get my heart rate up and burn more calories.  It is weird, but I find it easier to work hard than go fast long. I'm more of a sprinter than a long-distance runner. A pack mule that can carry heavy loads slowly, than a race horse.

This is exciting to me.

70 gone, 70 more to go to 198

I'm half way to goal! It is weird to see. In my head, my weight loss starts at about 298, because I've been there for so long. I haven't been 338 for years. But the good thing is I haven't seen that weight, and my body isn't fighting to get back there right now.

298, though, has been my normal, and was a hard one to break. I've done it a couple times now, and I'm really hoping it will be my last. I think that I'm stalling out a bit here in the 260s because I hung out there for quite some time years ago, too. My body is really fighting against me getting below it. It doesn't know what is going on.

I notice my pants aren't as loose at 267 as they were a few years ago when I hit this weight. Kind of a bummer. A reality check in how I am aging, and how much harder it is now. I'm guessing in 10 years when I'm closing in on 50 it isn't going to get any easier, so I need to do what I can now.

It almost made me sick typing that out. Closing in on 50. Dear goodness.

Anyway, I can't think on that.

So this week, my plan is to hit the treadmill/workout 3 times again and drop at least one pound to get to 266 by next week. I was hoping to get out of March under 260, but I just don't know if it is possible. I'm still working on it, but exercise makes me hungry, so I do eat more. And I'm toning, which weighs more.

We shall see. I'm happy to see one more pound melt off. 

Why Am I Losing Weight

After I weighed in (269), I walked into the kitchen and the thought that popped into my head was:

Why exactly AM I losing weight?

Kind of weird, huh?

I mean, what a dumb question from someone who weighs more than a linebacker. One would think the better question is why wouldn't I want to lose weight?

I do want to lose weight. Primarily I do want to fit into clothes better, and then my second thought that pops into my head is to be be able to be more active. I'd like to run. I'd like to be able to play soccer or baseball, or another fun sport - things I could not do in the past.

#1 Fit better into clothes.
#2 Play fun sports.

Two decent reasons. I guess I could live without both of those, but not to the fullness that I feel I desire.

There's other reasons, but those two popped immediately into my head.

I can do #1 already now. Twenty-five pounds ago, I couldn't. My clothes felt tight and restrictive. I couldn't buy a 2x and fit right into it. I had to go to 3x. I'd like to ditch the X all together. At that point, I think I'd be satisfied.

#2 I can not do. I bowl, play volleyball. Maybe run in a race with my kids. But I can't join a team and have fun, or run a race. I realize I will be 40 this year, and it's not the best time to start playing a sport. Clearly. But it's easier than trying at 50... or 60. If I think on it too long I get very sad about it, about all the time in my life I could have been running, playing, enjoying that freedom - and I haven't been able to.

Right now I could probably work towards running a race, but my belly flaps too much. I'll just be honest. My fitness levels would allow me to start breaking into some of these things, but my belly won't. And that's not going to change. I really need to figure something out with that, because I don't want to start living if/when I can ever get rid of my flapping belly.

Confession: I think my relationships suffer because of the oppression I feel within myself. I could be wrong, and maybe I'm just an unhappy ogre, regardless of being a fatty. But, I wonder - and hope - that as my body changes, my emotions might, too. I don't know, though.

Weekend Weight Gain

I passed a goal (below 285)!
Weigh in today: 282
HOORAY!

I noticed that I have down as a "major goal" to be 260 or below by the end of December, 2012.
Um.. I don't know. I mean, I can try. I think. That's not a good attitude.  But I don't know if my weight loss will continue to decline as much as it is right now for long. We will see.

I need to believe I can do it and believe it is possible for me to have any chance of getting there. There's a possibility that I don't really believe it and I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop on this experiment of mine. For my patience to wane. For Thanksgiving and Christmas to look at me and say, eat.

I will never understand the psychology of a food addict.
I mean, if I could bottle up whatever it is that will set me on a path of good eating and healthy choices, and whip that bottle out whenever it is lacking - I'd be set.

I'd be cured.

It makes no sense to me how I can, at one period, be unable to stay within a calorie range or find time to take care of myself - and then at another time be able to do all that.

I guess I won't question it too much, and I'll just pray that it sticks around a while.
I actually had a fabulous weekend and didn't gain a pound.
I feel like I indulged.
I don't feel deprived.
I do feel like I made choices.

For example: prior to my girl's get together I mowed down on a HUGE bowl of lettuce. I didn't want to go there hungry. When I got to the gathering, I ate some brie and crackers. Not as much as I would have normally eaten, but I tasted and didn't feel left out. I ate the salad, I drank wine. I opted to drink the wine over eating food. I had a bite of a cookie for dessert, rather than the entire thing.

Thankfully the menu was simple. There weren't a ton of delicious treats I had to turn down. Again, I drank my calories that night.

The next day I got up and made a nice breakfast for the family, but had my regular toast and egg. I didn't feel deprived, really. I felt good that the choice I was making might help me fit back into the clothes I purchased a couple years ago.

I went on a nice, long walk. Burned up a bunch of calories I ingested the day before, and sweated out some of that wine.

I tracked everything I ate, good or bad. And I lost a pound over the weekend.

I Lost Two Pounds

Big deal, right?

Well, it's been a struggle to lose weight for me. I don't know if it is age or what the factor, but I've been having trouble breaking out of a plateau (for lack of better word).

I stepped on my Wii fit and it read 286 after a week of tracking my calories and walking/moving a bit more. Beautiful! It has not been easy to keep on top of tracking. I'm busy, like anyone else. Beyond that, I'm cooking for my family, trying to stay on a budget, and having to run all my recipes through trackers takes up time and energy.

But so does being unhealthy and depressed. 

Today I am very motivated.

I want to get that "needle" to dip below the 280 mark.
I want my pants to be loose again.
I want to fit back into the clothes that are hanging in my closet, waiting for me.

My lowest weight I remember was 269. I have a ways to go to get there. I very much hope that I can make it. It is hard not to get ahead of myself, push things, and not get frustrated.

I'll look at my small goal of getting below 285. I should be able to accomplish that by the end of the month.

WATER
I have a hard time getting my water in, especially at home. Trying to do better, I finally purchased one of those clear tumblers that have a clear straw to sip through. It holds  20oz of water. I really had to coach myself into buying one, though, instead of writing it off as a waste of money. But, I notice if I have a water bottle or something with a straw, I'm waaaaay more likely to drink water. Since I've caught myself a few times lately realizing I had only drank a few ounces of water during the day, I thought it was important for me to pay attention to.

I've had the cup for a week and have already doubled my intake. Yay me.

Well Hello

Last time I checked in I was 272 pounds. Prior to that, I was 277. The holidays I let my hair down a bit, indulged in cookies and the like, and paid the price.

Three months later, I'm back to my lowest weight. Again.

And I'm ready to rock and roll.

It's hard not to look at time past and kick myself for not staying on track. I could have been under 250 right now, had I stayed the course. Assumably. But, then also, I could have been topping 300 again. Either way, I could have gone.

One year ago I was 293 pounds. I'm almost down 30 from that one year later. If I can be down 30 from here a year from now and hold it - that is a victory.

What delights me is that my body came back down to where it was before. The maintaining of that weight for a while seemed to make it my new "normal" for weight. I didn't so much concentrate on what I was doing to lose weight, but I snipped out the bad practices of the holidays, and the weight came off. I guess.

I'm back to tracking on Spark. Right now my calorie range is to eat between 1630 and 1980 calories per day. Honestly, that seems a little low to me. But, since I've gone down, so has my calorie allowance. I've always tried to eat on the high end of the calorie range. As long as I lose weight, that's fine. The more I can have, the happier I am. Heh.

I've done pretty well the past few days with eating. Not so great with exercising, though. Have to get back into that. One step at a time, though.

First goal: 257. I'd like to get there by the end of May.

274

I don't feel like it was the best week for me. It was my period week, which never helps. I had an insatiable, literally, desire for sweets, and an almost equal need to constantly eat. It is amazing I made it out of the past week alive. On top of that, there were family stresses galore (negative), and social outings (positive). All things that could have sent me spiraling into a food coma.

We had friends over Friday. As usual, out came the drinks, cheeses and munchies. My favorite was the brie, second the hummus, and I feasted on them both. The next day was a grill out at the cousins. I did well during dinner (turkey burger, a couple chips), but overdid it later by chomping on chocolates and potato chips (don't ask). The next day was BBQ at the inlaws. I snarfed salad early to fill up my stomach, skipped the chips and beer, but indulged in the ice cream cake dessert. Compromises.

BUT...

Prior to going to the inlaws yesterday I WENT ON A 5.8-MILE BIKE RIDE!!! I've been wanting to do this loop for a long, long time. It is right by our house; daily I see people tooling down the path, hearts pumping, legs cycling. I longed to do it, too.

Admittedly, I had to walk my bike up the major hill. But I did it. There was no call made to home to have someone pick me up because I couldn't make it. There was, however, a bit of humble pie eaten as a silver-haired couple rode their bikes past me as I pushed mine. Yeah. That felt really good. I told myself that someday I, too, would make it up that hill.

It took me almost an hour to complete the windy, semi-hilly ride. It is a beautiful ride. But the beauty took second seat to my huffing, puffing, leg-aching, constant "I-think-I-can" chant going on in my head. The hottest day of the year and I decide to hop on my bike for the first time to conquer a ride I've never even tried. Smart.

By the time I arrived home I was shaky, wobbly, sweating like an animal, and exhausted. It took me an hour and a cold shower to stop sweating.

But I burned over 400 calories. And I accomplished something pretty big (for me).

And, by making little tweaks to my normally abandoned eating behavior, I managed to hold my weight through a stressful, hormone-laden, socially eventful week.

Mission accomplished. Those little changes are what I will need to do all summer long to be able to hold or lose weight (I'd like to lose, obviously).

But, I saved the biggest news for last. It happened. I finally had someone ask me if I've lost weight. It was, bless her heart, my sister-in-law. She told me I looked great, said she could see it in my face, and we had a nice conversation on the struggles of weight loss.

Now I can check that goal off my list. Next goal? - 269.

This week I'm keeping away from desserts/sweets. Five days, M-F. I have to do it. I have to break myself from it for a few days.

Not Normal

Though I've been busy, I'm still on track. With weekends out of town; still on track. Constantly making little changes in my behavior (eating and otherwise). Taking the stairs to my hotel room 3 floors up. Walking, intentionally, instead of sitting around during downtime. I overindulged a bit, but still managed to hold my weight -- actually lose in the process.

We need to talk about that losing.

I'm starting to get weird.

See, I started weighing myself with my Wii Fit. It was unintentional, really. I purchased the 'Fit and the board, and went through the process of making my character. Weighed in. Fine. I just grew accustomed to it. I liked the way the line moves down and it's much funner than weighing myself on the shipping scale in the basement.

None of that is weird.

What's weird is this hang up I have over being 279. See, I technically hit that goal with the Wii Fit last week. In fact, I hit 278 - surpassing one of my first BIG goals (my lowest weight in 20 years). But it didn't feel official. I couldn't allow myself (and still can't) to celebrate that goal until my shipping scale reflects the same.

The shipping scale says 280. The shipping scale fluctuates, the Wii Fit does not. I truly think the Wii Fit might be the better scale. But I can't get over the fact that the shipping scale is still stuck a little higher.

Instead of celebrating, I'm obsessing.

I shouldn't do this to myself. I shouldn't put so much on the number of the scale. Because, realistically, I could visit the doctor and have the scale say 285 and crap my pants right there, if I want to get technical.

I DO NOT WANT TO BE MY OWN WORST ENEMY.

This is how I failed at Weight Watchers. I couldn't' stand that when I went to my evening meetings, I always weighed in heavier than I did when I'd to my own (un)official weigh-ins (in the morning, after using the bathroom, and generally in my bra and underwear). It frustrated me to no end, and became the downfall of my efforts. I'm sure there were other issues that added to my distress, but the scale thing I really couldn't get over.

So you're telling me that when I weigh in at home on my scale and I'm celebrating my 5-pound weight loss, I can't have my little badge?!

Not for me.

The good thing is that my clothes are looser. I feel like I have more energy. Did I say my clothes are looser?

My next goal is to have someone notice and ask me, "Have you lost weight?" Because, so far, it hasn't happened. I don't really understand it, honestly. To me it feels like I'm walking around with a horse leg sticking out of my head and nobody's noticing. I know the big (but apparently subtle) changes that have gone on with my body, but people haven't caught on yet. I'm waiting.

I Lost 5 Pounds, And I Think I Like It

Well, the Wii Fit says 5, but it's really 4 since my last weigh in.

I said I "think" I like it because I have a hard time mentally with this kind of stuff. Like, I have 2 scales, so I needed to make 1 official. I chose the Wii Fit because it seems to be more accurate than the shipping scale that needs new batteries. (My shipping scale is about the same, by 2 pounds) But I get weird. Like, I see the scale says I lost weight, but then I worry. I don't want to commit to it, because what if it's wrong, or what if something else..?

It's ridiculous.

I'm weird, and I know this.

So I'm happy on one hand, but then other the other I'm waiting for the shoe to drop, the motivation to leave, the plateau to lock in.

I'm 10 pounds down from when I first started really keeping track. I don't feel much different. My body felt different at the 279, I remember that. I have clothes from that point (the shirts were smaller). But right now I'm still feeling like I fit in my fatty clothes. My belly is a big issue. I haven't been toning or anything, or doing many situps, but my husband says that's my next step. Until I hit 279, I won't believe really that I can "do it." 6 more pounds to go. For some reason I need to hit that mark, as my brain is telling me I've achieved nothing until I do.

If I stay the course, I can do that by May. God willing.

365 Days of Exercise - Day 7

Long day, forgot to exercise -- until 2am. (I'm post-publishing for my day 7, you might notice me doing that).

Realizing my error, I grabbed my book and walked in place for 12 minutes. Worked for me.

Made it to my first goal: 1 week of obedience and discipline in my 365 day walk. I did it.

365 Days of Exercize - Day 1

Yes. This is what I've turned into. Challenging myself to 365 days of exercise. Walking, biking, treadmill, stationary bike - whatever. But managing to do it daily, every day, for one year.

Starting August 1, 2009.

In addition and accompaniment, I will also be reading through the Bible using The Daily Walk Bible(KJV)

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This isn't just vanity, or health. For me it is a discipline, something, at this point in my life, I feel like I am very much lacking.

So I suppose that means that I'm going to have to check in here every day and post. Which is fine, because I really don't have a huge gathering of folks checking me out anyway. But it will be good to hold myself accountable.

I hope that a conscious effort to move will encourage my body to shed some pounds. But I'm not sure it will. I also hope that my conscious effort to move with make me more accountable, and will be a good reminder to myself to be faithful and have discipline, something I lack. I hope that I learn a bit about myself as I use a small walk, ride, movement of my body to focus on centering myself.

We will see.